10. Quasim
Quasim
I felt like a fucking cornball as I left her there, naked and wanting me. The minute she said those words, though I suspected it, I froze and didn’t know what to say or do. Fear crippled my ass. I was someone that was always so sure and in control of everything and in that moment, I lost control of my own body.
The hurt in her eyes as she stared back at me, wanting me to say the same thing, feel the same way, show her that everything she envisioned wasn’t her imagination. My throat closed up as I held her naked body in my arms. The few words that I had managed to say did more bad than good in that moment.
“You lucky I’m up with Cherry… you dead?” Blaze yawned into the phone as I drove to his crib.
“Need my brother right now.”
I could hear something moving in the background and the sound of my niece demolishing her bottle. “Come through… you know the code.”
“Bet.”
It didn’t take me long to come from Blair’s crib to Blaze and Capri’s place. Their house on the compound was still in the process of being built. I pulled into the driveway and sat in my whip for a minute, closing my eyes and envisioning her body. Her perfect fucking body in my arms, as she craved me.
Told me she wanted to love me.
Would do whatever for me, and my stupid ass fucking froze like a cornball. Showing her exactly what she was afraid of.
My body and mind were fucking working against each other. It was like my heart was ready for everything that came with loving Blair, and then my mind was reminding me what happened the last time I loved someone.
They were taken away from me.
I had to live life knowing someone hated me that much that they took someone I loved from me. My feelings for Blair were so deep and strong that I couldn’t survive it happening to me again.
She was safer loving a different nigga than me. As much as seeing her smile in that rapper nigga’s face, I knew she was safer with him than me. These pussies didn’t give a fuck about trying to end me, they wanted to take the next best thing, and that was anyone that I loved.
I loved Blair.
The tap on my window caused me to slowly open my eyes and my brother was standing there with Rayce in his arms, and his locs tied up. “Why the fuck you out here with your eyes closed? You know we got an extra room.”
I killed the engine and climbed out the car and followed behind him. Closing the door behind me, I entered the code and secured the house. Blaze placed Rayce, who was bright eyed and bushy tailed, down in the bouncer and nodded for me to follow him out back.
“She not going to start screaming?”
He chuckled. “Nah… she got some of her mama’s milk and a little bit of cereal… Jean showed me how to make a knockout bottle.”
I nodded and took a seat on the patio furniture outside, overlooking the skyline. My brother went back inside, coming back out with a wooden box.
He kept his roll up and weed inside this box and had been doing it since we were younger. The box used to be Gam’s sewing box until Blaze got a hold of it. I watched as he pulled two pre-rolled spliffs out the box and handed me one with a lighter.
“Appreciate it.”
“Look like you could use a whole one to yourself… shit, I could use a whole one, too. We had a pregnancy scare.”
“Is it really a scare when you always hollering about wanting to knock her up again.”
He snorted and sparked his spliff and took a long pull before settling back into the chair. “She wants to have this summer, and I want that for her. Don’t matter how much I’m ready for the next baby. I saw the fear in her eyes tonight, and I don’t want that shit for her. Selfish of me to want that when my wife is trying to adjust back to being herself… feel me?”
“Yeah. She all good though, right?
“Stressed, but she’s good. Work been stressful, too, so I ran her a bath, got her favorite snacks, and made her go to bed early while I handled Cherry.”
“She still on maternity leave, though.”
Blaze cut his eyes at me in a nigga, now you know look. “Her ADA acts like he can do a better job than her but calls her for every fucking thing. Even with her being on maternity leave, she’s been going into the office and working from home. It’s about to come to an end, though, and she’ll be back full time. Which is why this Bali trip is important for me… I want her to relax and have fun without worrying about Cherry.”
I remember when Blaze came to my house with tears in his eyes, stressed, and hurt all at the same time. Fucked up because Brandi had given him his ring back and didn’t want to marry him. The shit broke my heart seeing how hurt he was, because he truly loved Brandi.
He hated the bitch now, but he did love her at some point.
The first time I met Brandi, I knew she wasn’t shit. At the time, me and Blaze were in a weird space. A space where anything coming from me was an attack. He was already struggling with being the second son and holding resentment because I had to step into the role as King Inferno, head of the Inferno Gods.
When we were younger, he used to call himself the spare because he was the second son, and everything was built for me to take over. The shit used to break my heart because he was more than that.
Moms literally gave me a built-in best friend that was blood. It didn’t get any closer than that for me. As he got older, and when I forced him into school, he distanced himself from me and the family. Brandi became the center of his universe, and I could tell that bitch wasn’t up to no good. Our shit was rocky before she came around, it was when he became serious with her that shit really was fucked.
Every suggestion or piece of advice from me or my pops was an attack on him. Shit, his relationship with our pops was still slightly strained because of it. Pops never liked Cherie, but he really didn’t fuck with Brandi. Told Blaze he was being a bozo by trying to wife a fucking skeezer – his words – and Blaze flipped the fuck out.
It was fuck everybody. Him and Brandi versus everybody, and she secretly ate that shit up. She liked me and my brother being at odds with her weird, lopsided head. The only reason I didn’t slip into the crib that she shared with Martin and slit her throat was because of my niece. Ryder saved a lot of people from meeting their maker, and she didn’t even know it.
Seeing him then, and now witnessing him be a husband to a woman that was worthy of the man he was, did something to me. I wasn’t an emotional nigga in the least, but seeing my little brother happy after what he had gone through brought out that side of me.
“You didn’t come over here to stare into thin air… what’s on your mind, Sim?”
I took the longest pull, releasing the smoke before speaking. “She told me she loved me.”
“I knew this.”
I turned to look at him. “The fuck you talking about?”
“Blair told us that she loved you soon after the honeymoon… said she was in love with you. I can see that shit when I look at her, too.”
“Why the fuck you didn’t tell me?”
“Wasn’t my business to speak on, Sim. She was venting and I respected that by minding my damn business… I’m just confused on why the fuck you act scared of the girl.”
“I don’t act scared.”
“Nigga, you act like the pussy gonna bite you… maybe it should, so yo ass can stop being so damn intense.” Blaze took another pull and released the smoke while putting his feet up on the coffee table.
“I had her naked in my arms, professing her fucking love to me and I froze… froze like a dickhead, yo.”
Blaze remained quiet while he silently smoked his spliff while looking at me.
“We don’t beat around the bush, why the fuck you doing it now,” I looked over at him because I could tell he wasn’t saying everything he wanted to say.
“You froze like a man caught between new love and grief. The guilt you carry for Cherie is eating you alive and not allowing you to move on. Sim, you feel like because her life ended, yours did, too.”
“It fucking did.” I leaned forward, the spliff tucked between my index finger and thumb while I ran my hand down my head with my free hand.
My brother remained relaxed while looking at the baby monitor he pulled out his pocket. “Your life didn’t end when hers did. It didn’t end when we lost Ha…Harley,” he paused.
“Losing Cherie and then Harley fucked me up bad. I feel like the shit is karma, and it’s gonna keep happening to me. I let Blair in and I’m gonna be putting her in the ground, because niggas love to take the people I love away.”
He shook his head. “You shut yourself off from the world, even your own family. Punished yourself because of the shit, and you’re not to blame… Cherie should have never trusted that nigga. I don’t know why God took Harley from us, and trust I got a grudge with him about it, but that wasn’t your fault, either. You did everything, more than some parents would, to save her, Sim… you couldn’t save her… you have love… Blair is love, and she wants to love you. Why the fuck don’t you believe you deserve that?”
“You know what happens when I love someone.” I took another long pull and leaned back on the couch. “This life ain’t meant for that. Pops was lucky and was able to have his love by his side… ain’t in the cards for me.”
“Considering how moms is… how the fuck you think he was lucky?”
I waved Blaze off because before mom’s diagnosis, he had his love right by his side. The Queen Inferno, tearing up the streets right with him. I remember watching her on the back of his bike, her curly hair flowing in the wind.
“Doesn’t matter.”
“It happened once. You know what to do and how to move… you think fear ain’t a thing when it comes to Capri? I know she can handle herself and is always strapped, but I move with my girls in the front of my brain at all times. We’re providers, protectors, so come the fuck on with that shit. You not new to this shit, you fucking King Inferno… you know you can protect Blair… with your eyes closed.”
“After the way we left things tonight, she don’t want shit to do with me… can’t say I blame her, though.” I stabbed the spliff into the ashtray and looked out at the view.
“Nigga, she stabbed a bitch in the head because your name was mentioned… our family’s name was mentioned. Women like Suga and Blair don’t come around often. You see how proud Sug is to wear that Inferno name. Yeah, she’s Lady Inferno, but it’s time for you to have a Queen Inferno, Sim. Capri Inferno would die for this family, pull up and air everything out behind us… Blair would do the same fucking thing. Stop letting fear get in the way and love the fuck out of her. B deserves that shit.” He stood up and stretched. “Got me not listening to one of my favorite rappers cause of this shit.”
“Nigga, I ain’t never told you not to listen to homie… I ain’t worried about that nigga. If Anjo wants to have her fun, I’m gonna let her.”
“Until she fucking married, and you sitting here crying and shit. You lost love once before, don’t let it slip out your fingers again, Quasim… I’m going to bed.”
“Night.”
“Love you, fuck head.”
“Yeah… love you too, spare.”
He back peddled until he was looking at me. “You got jokes… the one who had pussy in his hand and froze. I’m scared of the pussy, Blaze… don’t know what to do with it.” He mocked.
I flipped him the middle finger and laughed. “Don’t make me go wake your baby up.”
He knew I would, and quickly took his ass back into the house. It was a cool night with a slight chill in the breeze, but it was comfortable. I went into the house and grabbed a drink before going back out on the patio.
My phone chimed, and then a call came through. I saw it was Havoc’s name and answered the phone. “Yo.”
“Sim, are you going to leave me?” Elijah’s voice came through the line, and I leaned forward with my glass of gin in my hand.
“Nah, why you think that?”
“You didn’t come back and it’s late.”
I chuckled. “I had some grown up business to handle, but I’m coming back early in the morning… cool?”
“Cool.” I could hear the panic leave his voice and a smile enter at the same time.
“Eli, I wouldn’t leave you unless I had to… feel me?”
“I feel you. But can you try really hard not to leave me?”
I smiled as I took a sip of my least favorite alcohol. “I’ll try the hardest… you need to go to bed. Said your prayers?”
“Uh huh.”
“Liar.” I heard Havoc in the background.
“Um, I’m going to right now.”
“Night, Eli. Put Havoc on the phone.”
I shook my head and relaxed on the couch. “He wanted to call you because he got worried… shit, I’m worried, too, because why the fuck I’m still here, nigga?”
“I’m at Blaze’s crib for the night… appreciate you holding him down. I gotta find me somebody to keep an eye on him or some shit… would that be a nanny?”
“Yeah, a nanny or family. I’m never complaining, and I got him, too, but I like to unplug at night and now I gotta keep my ears on to listen out for his ass.” He referred to his implants, and how he liked to take them off at night.
Havoc was perfectly comfortable with not hearing a damn thing. He got through life perfectly fine without his hearing, and only put it on to make it easier for other people. If it was up to him, he would have all of us scrambling to learn sign language, or having Yasin translate for us. I knew more than everyone else, because I was patient and needed to know my crew.
“Not fair for you to be babysitting when you got a life of your own.”
He sighed. “Shit, not really. Aimee’s ass won’t give me her shorty’s number… hating ass.” He snickered.
“The fuck you waiting for her to get it… go get that shit yourself… take control.”
“Could say the same shit about you and B, but I mind my fucking business… right?” He laughed.
“Night, bitch.” I ended the call and tossed my phone onto the coffee table while taking back this gin.
I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, thinking about my baby. Fuck, seeing how hurt she was had hurt me. I promised myself I never wanted to hurt her, and here I was doing the shit. If I couldn’t get my shit together, then I needed to leave her alone.
Easier said than done.
I was wondering how Blaze would feel if I put his favorite rapper on a fucking shirt for fucking with what was mine? I chuckled to myself as I closed my eyes, prepared to sleep out here tonight because I needed to be alone.
I didn’t know what the fuck Thea had going on over there, but when I saw the cops at the crib, I was thankful that Elijah was with me. Instead of sticking around, I packed our clothes, and we headed up to my lake house.
Before we got on the road, I stopped by Gam’s house to pick her and my mother up to take them to the lake house. If it was up to Gams, she wouldn’t have left the lake house at all. She would have remained there throughout the year.
Elijah’s school had let out last week, and Peach had one more week to go before she was done for the summer. The only thing I received from Thea was a text message asking for an extension on the rent, and I replied asking if she wanted one on her life, too.
That money was sent right to my account within an hour. If she wanted to chase a high instead of being a mother, then her ass could pay that fucking rent. I pulled in front of Gam’s house and noticed her at the mailbox.
My car wasn’t practical with a nine-year-old, so I went and bought myself a Yukon Denali with all the bells and whistles. Yeah, I was taking this parenting thing a little too seriously, but with the way Elijah was content in the back with his new iPad and cellphone, I’d be extra to keep that boy happy.
Ryder insisted on him having a cell phone so that they could talk to each other. After the shit that happened with Alaia, Blaze made sure she wore an I chain at all times. Even Rayce had one around her neck.
I stared at Eli through the rearview window and looked at the E chain around his neck. Thea was sneaky and I didn’t trust that bitch, so I always knew where my guy was. I had this funny feeling like Harley sent Eli to me or some shit.
Like, he was meant to cross paths with me, and I was meant to look out for him. If my baby girl sent him, then she already knew he was in good hands, and I was going to protect him. I put the truck in park and hopped out.
Gams was studying the truck unsure who it was. “Chill out, old lady… don’t pull it out on me.” I laughed and kissed her on the head.
She smiled up at me. “ meu maior bebê .”
“ minha senhora favorita .”
She looked up at me with wide eyes. “You’ve been practicing.”
“Something like that… Ry won’t let me forget that she’s fluent.”
She nuzzled her head on my stomach. “You had a lot more pressing issues to handle than to keep up… I am glad that you are coming back to it.”
“I want you to meet someone, Gams,” I waved for Elijah to get out the car. Slowly, the door opened, and he hopped out. Gams looked from me to Elijah, confused and probably thinking he was my son. “He’s my neighbor’s son, and I’m watching him for the summer.”
I didn’t need to get into what Thea was into with Gams. All she needed to know was that he was going to be living with us for the summer, and with the way his mother was, it might go further than the summer.
“Quasim, you scared me half to death… you are secretive enough to have a secret child, too.” She let out a hearty laugh filled with relief.
“His name is Elijah… yo, Eli, this is my grandmother… one of the most important people to me.” I told him.
“Call me Gams,” she smiled at him.
“Hi, Gams,” Elijah smiled at her.
She looked up at me. “Has he met Ryder? I know she’ll have a kick out of having another friend for the summer. The girl can hang right with the best of them… Elijah, do you like cookies?”
“I love cookies.”
She waved for us to follow behind her. When we entered the house, I always paused when my eyes landed on the portrait of Harley in the foyer of the house. It was a reminder that she was gone, and a reminder why I didn’t visit Gams too often. I had pictures in my house with her, but they weren’t as big as this one.
It was the same picture that Capri had used for the gift she got me for father’s day. I forced my eyes to look away and saw luggage, so I took it out to the car to get a minute to myself. Leaning against the truck, I held my hand and took a deep breath and steadied my breathing.
Panic attacks had become normal for me, and I knew how to control them, or at the very least, learned how to get them under control until the next one came lurking out the shadows. The first time I had one, I thought I was having a fucking asthma attack, and I didn’t even have asthma.
“Sim, you alright?” Elijah poked his head from around the truck, and I continued to hold my hands while counting and steadying my breathing.
Kid was smart because instead of asking again, he gave me the space to get my shit together. He stood there patiently while I continued to count down and pull on my fingers while breathing in and out.
After a few seconds, I was good enough to continue on. “I’m straight, Eli.”
“Okay.” He came over and gave me a hug, and I smiled as I rubbed his curls. “If you’re not okay, you can tell me. I can help you like you been helping me.”
“I’ll let you know… you had some cookies and used the bathroom before we hit the road?” I asked as I put the suitcases into the back.
“Going now,” he rushed back into the house, and I finished packing everything into the back of the car.
When I walked back inside, my mother was sitting in the front room. I walked into the room, and the minute that I did, and leaned down to kiss her head, she touched the sides of my face. It was something she always did whenever she saw me.
“ meu bebê ,” she looked into my eyes, and I kissed her a few times on her cheeks and then kissed her hands.
“ mam?e. ”
I remember when we were younger, she used to holler at us in only Portuguese. Whenever she got upset with my father, she would cuss his ass out in Portuguese, knowing he didn’t understand it. Me and Blaze heard everything and would whisper it to him, so he wasn’t completely clueless. Once she found out what we were doing, she made sure we were nowhere near when she got in his ass.
“I want us to have a big dinner at the lake house to welcome in the summer there… we can invite Blair.”
I turned slowly towards Gams who was in the doorway. “Why you being messy, Gams?”
“Messy? You like that girl… no?”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Dumplin thought it didn’t matter and now he’s married to the girl that he liked . It matters because I see the way you look at that woman. She’s such a kind spirit, too... what you need to balance out all that darkness, Moochie.”
I cut my eyes at her, and she chuckled, her entire body shaking in the process. “Told you about that.”
“You will always be Moochie. I don’t care how tall, or what kind of leader you are for the Gods… when you come through this door, you hang that vest up and you’re Moochie. I used to tell your daddy the same thing.”
“I hear you, Gams.” I held my hand out, and my mother accepted it and clung onto my arm as I helped her outside to get into the car.
Once we were all loaded up, Gams set the security and grabbed more cookies for the ride, and we were heading out. I was used to my car and bike, so whipping this big ass truck had me feeling like Johnson Family Vacation or some shit.
Berkeley: Hey stranger.
The message popped up on the truck’s screen and I smirked to myself. I knew after running into her, it was only a matter of time before she would reach out to me. It’d been a little minute since I ran into Berkeley.
We went to school together, she was a grade or two behind me, and for a little minute, we had something. She moved to California to attend college, and we kept in touch for a while before I ended up getting with Cherie. We lost touch because I was the kind of nigga that didn’t keep loose ends around when I had a woman. I tied that shit up, so no woman was coming to my woman like a woman.
Berkeley eventually moved back to New York, and we ran into each other a time or two. The last time being two years ago. I was out with Havoc and Yasin, and she was in the club with her girls. She was dancing on me hard, and I knew she wanted to go home with me.
I had a few drinks and under normal circumstances I probably would have turned her down. Instead of taking her home, I got us a hotel in the city, and I had all intentions on fucking the shit out of her, which I did. I had her screaming and clawing at the hotel sheets as I fucked my frustrations out that had been building. Berkeley was a freak, and the way she sucked my dick still sent chills down my back if it crossed my mind.
After I took her to the king, her ass was whipped. I could tell by the way she kept staring at me while we were chilling that I had started some shit with her that I didn’t have the energy or mental capacity to deal with.
While she slept, I kissed her on the head and dipped out. Neither of us reached out to the other and kept it pushing with life. That’s when she popped up at the block party, flirting with me heavily.
Out the corner of my eye, I saw Anjo shooting daggers in the side of my face. She was over there pouting and mad like this dick wasn’t hers. I wasn’t giving this shit to nobody but her, I just needed to stop playing fucking games.
“Girlfriend?”
“Gams, you nosey.”
“Your father has taught me and your mother to be aware of our surroundings. All I’m doing,” she pulled out her crochet needles, and started to crochet what looked like a bathing suit.
“You have plans on wearing that?”
“Not me… Suga pie saw some girl on that Pick Pocket app, and she was charging an arm and leg. I told her I could do her one better and would make it for Bali.”
“TikTok, Gams… it’s TikTok,” I chuckled.
“Boy hush… I just need to prepare myself to do dances with Ryder when she comes. You know she called me last week to tell me to put my cream on so I can move more.”
I chuckled loud because Ryder didn’t play about her damn dances that Blaze never uploaded. Eventually, he was going to have to tell her that her videos were private. Knowing my brother, his ass would hire someone to make some shit that looked like she was viral on social media.
I made a mental note to remember to hit Berkeley back when I made it to the lake house. When we saw each other, she asked me if I had a girlfriend, and I was honest and told her I was married.
With the way she laughed at me and gave me a slight shove, she didn’t believe shit I had said to her.
In my head, Blair was my wife.
I just needed my heart and mind to get on one accord and cooperate.