Over My Head
Kit/Kat
J asper refused to let anyone tell me why Slash’s gesture was a big deal, which pissed me off. I know it was his plan; he loves to exercise that tiny modicum of control whenever he can. I pretended that it didn’t bother me until he finally left for afternoon classes, taking everyone with him because X and I were safely ensconced in the dorm room. Now that we’re alone, I can breathe a little more freely.
“Thank fuck they’re gone,” Xerxes says as they lean back on the couch. “I appreciate the care, but I’ve been dying to get you alone, Kit Kat.”
Really?
“Why?” I ask, tilting my head curiously. “Like… we already did the talking thing, right?”
They smirk, shaking their head and clicking their tongue. “Because, KK, we’re not done talking. I got your signals in the doctor’s office. We need to get you stuff to keep the girls in place, mmm?”
Wrinkling my nose, I look at my hands, heat rising on my face. “Yeah. I’m not big or anything but I need some… coverage. Where are we going to get it? How fast can we get a binder to… you know, Hell?”
“In a couple of days. I’ll use the concierge service through my family tailors. Since I have your measurements from the ball outfit, it won’t be a big deal. The uniforms were super easy because of that, right?”
I nod, biting my lower lip. “Can you… get a couple? I seem to be doomed to destroy everything I put on my body. I don’t want to end up in the same position in a week or two.”
X snickers. “You’re a trouble magnet, man. I fully expect to need to monitor this shit for you until you do the big reveal.” They pause for a moment, tapping their fingers on their lips. “Can I ask you a question without upsetting you?”
Doubtful when you start out like that.
“Um, you can try.”
“I know you had to pretend, but why didn’t you just… change up to non-binary or trans once you were here? Why keep up the charade?”
Sighing, I roll my eyes upward as I gather my thoughts. “It felt wrong to claim an identity that wasn’t mine. I mean, I don’t know exactly what my… sexuality is entirely, but… I can’t imagine pretending to be a marginalized identity for personal benefit. White dude isn’t that, you know? No one’s oppressing the thing I’m pretending to be, so it’s not shitty.”
There’s a heavy silence for a few moments, then X makes a soft sound. I worry that I’ve said something wrong, so I bring my gaze to theirs, surprised by the soft expression I see. “You’re a good person, Kat Camponella. I get why you’re doing this the way you are now.”
I shrug, feeling embarrassed by the unexpected praise. “I try to be. It’s hard to know when I’m succeeding because I don’t often let people in. You guys are probably the closest friends I’ve had in…. my whole life.”
Saying that out loud makes me sound incredibly pitiful and I hate it.
To brush that feeling off, I continue, “I know the guys will be hurt once I admit the truth. That’s a consequence I’ll have to accept, but I also know that if I’m discovered, it’s likely I’ll be sent away. Even if I tried to hide under some other identity, whatever you guys think is important about me makes me a target. And if I’m not amongst the caliphate, my survival chances are nil. I don’t know exactly what I am or how to control myself—magically or emotionally—well enough to continually fend off shit on my own.”
X grins, tilting their head. “Which is something you’d never say in front of Prince Prickface, so thank you for trusting me enough to voice it.”
My face heats again and I shrug. “You didn’t judge when you figured out my secret. It makes me feel comfortable expressing my doubts now.”
“Good,” they reply with a happy smile. Xerxes pauses briefly, looking around the room as if someone might be listening besides Dottie. A small plume of smoke emits from their fingers, crawling through the air and branching out all over like it’s seeking something. “I have a question for you.”
I frown, watching the smoke as it moves to the corners of the ceiling and around our living space. “One that requires you to do… whatever this is?”
X nods, humming a little as they wait. “Yep. I want to make certain this room isn’t bugged by our spiky-backed royal. Anton and I checked our room long ago, but he’s such a fucking control freak that I’m not sure if he did it to anyone else. Salem and Oriel are the hardest to manage; he might have sweet talked Zav into doing it ‘for their own good’ or some nonsense.”
I will grind his balls beneath my boots if he does; that’s an invasion of privacy.
My brow furrows when it occurs to me that as mad as I’ll be if the Prince has wired the one place I feel safe, perhaps I’m guilty of doing something similarly shitty. Being here in disguise, hiding it from the guys… That could be construed as the same kind of slight—maybe even worse—by someone on the outside. My gut churns as I think about that, feeling like an absolute pervert as I think about all the places I’m present without their explicit consent. “Oh, no,” I mutter as I wrap my arms around my knees.
The smoke disappears with a loud ‘pop,’ and the glamorous demon on the couch sighs in relief. “Excellent. It’s a safe space—no question.” X tilts their head, studying me in the avian manner I know means they’re concerned. “Why do you look like you’re going to barf, Kit Kat? Did I worry you with the camera thing?”
“Yes. No. I mean, yes, you did. But no, that’s not why I’m…” My sentence trails off as the worry and panic filter through me, making my veins feel like they’re pumping sludge. Clenching my fists so my nails bite into my palms, I breathe slowly to fight the escalating fear before I murmur, “I’m worried I’m violating all of you. The cameras made me feel like that and it suddenly struck me that a girl here in all the private spaces like the bathroom might be considered a similar act. It made me wonder if I’m breaching my own ethics and that feels very bad.”
Xerxes blinks, then suddenly throws back their head in laughter. I frown harder, not getting the joke. I’m very serious about this and they seem to think I’m being ridiculous. When they finally stop for a moment, X shakes their head ruefully. “I’m sorry, Kat. I don’t mean to make you feel worse but… that’s imposing a human standard on the demon world. We’re not influenced by the puritanical notion that naked bodies of any gender are some big secret. You aren’t violating your own ethics because those aren’t made for our world. Not one of us would give a flying fuck about another demon seeing us bare assed in humanoid, demon, or animal form.”
Oh.
Licking my lips, I shove down the embarrassment that rushes to replace the panic. I probably should have asked before I went nuclear, but my anxiety rarely allows for that luxury. Even the improvements I’ve made since I arrived can’t fully stop the ingrained reaction, though I’m hopeful that it might eventually. “I’m sorry for starting to wig out. But truthfully? I’m not learning enough about demon culture from you guys or in my classes to make up for what comes to you all naturally.”
“You’re right about that, KK,” they muse, tapping their lips with their fingers. “Jasper forbade us from telling you that one piece of culture, but he didn’t say we couldn’t expose you to the other important things. It's a loophole I can share with the others, so we can try to get you up to speed.”
“That would be very helpful. I mean, I’ll probably piss people off randomly anyway, but if I realize I’m doing it, it would be better.” Smiling a little, I stretch my limbs before rising to my feet. “Want a drink while I’m up? And also… I want to know your question. Plus… what the hell Jasper did about the bodies because no one ever told me.”
As I walk to the kitchen slowly, X nods, so I detour to get their glass as well. Dottie follows me, chittering happily as I walk without support. I’m pretty sure that’s why she looks so excited, but I can’t be one hundred percent certain. When I get to the fridge, I set the glasses down and pull out the pitcher of Cantu berry juice Salem made the other night. It’s not quite as tasty as crunkleberries, but I figure we don’t need to be high as kites for this discussion.
“Okay, but you have to tell me if any of this is too much for you. Do you promise?”
I give Xerxes a puzzled look. “I’ve been pretty consistent in communicating my boundaries, I think. But yes, I promise I will tell you if I’m having trouble.”
X sits up straighter, their expression sincere as they gaze at me. “I want to show you one of my… other parts. It doesn’t matter which one, but your trust today is making the need to have you really see me is like an enormous weight on my chest. Are you ready for that? Is your trust deep enough for that?”
Whoa. No wonder they made me promise. They don’t want me to say ‘yes’ and regret it.
The juice fills the glasses as I think about their request. Knowing my secret has them being one of the closest demons to me, and I definitely don’t think they’d do anything to hurt me. Making the pact connected us on a level I don’t have with anyone else, just like the proximity to Salem or Oriel’s defiance of Jasper’s edicts have endeared them to me with little effort. I was able to see both of their forms and be comfortable; why wouldn’t it work with Xerxes?
“I think…” They lean forward, eyes glittering with eager excitement as I pause. “I think I’d like to see your snake first. Oriel’s form is so different from a simple crow and I love animals. Seeing the animal first makes this less frightening for someone who didn’t know any of this existed up until a few months ago.”
Xerxes beams, jumping to their feet, then groaning when they realize they moved too fast. “Shit. That was stupid but I’ve been hoping you’d say ‘yes’ since the idea came to me while we were talking. Obviously, we’ve all shared that this is a big deal to show someone in private for the first time, and that’s one culture-y thing you know. Letting me shift is like… a huge deal; I know.”
“Please don’t hurt yourself,” I murmur as I grab the drinks and pad over to sit them on the table by the couch. “Anton will be upset if you re-injure yourself and Jasper will definitely blame me for it.”
They wait until I get to my chair and settle in before they wink. “I promise I won’t fuck up my healing. A simple shift is not going to set me back.”
Dottie climbs up next to me, her big eyes fixed on the demon waiting for me to give them the final go ahead. I clasp my hands together on my lap, taking a deep breath to ground myself. “Come closer and do it. I want to see this part of you, X.”
The room fills with light as they grin wider, then their body goes from pale skin to shiny golden scales inch by inch. Legs turn to a huge, thick pile of coils as big as my entire torso, leaving them half humanoid on top and all slither on the bottom. Xerxes’ body seems to grow exponentially as the snake form crawls up their body from the waist to trunk, assimilating their arms.
A gasp echoes in the quiet dorm as it engulfs them completely, leaving the biggest fucking reptile I’ve ever seen looking down at me from what has to be eight feet in the air with emerald eyes that sparkle like the gemstone. Their hood fans out as far as my arms would if I were getting measured and the flick of the long, forked tongue makes my stomach clench in response.
What the hell does that thing do? Holy Medusa’s wig tape, it’s as long as my leg!
I swallow hard, my eyes drifting over the cobra to frown at the smooth underbelly. It suddenly occurs to me that I don’t have a single fucking clue what the hell snakes do to procreate. Obviously, their dick isn’t….
A low hiss fills the room and before I can even ask, two large, engorged penises seem to pop out of their body. “Oh, shit!”
My hands fly to my face, covering my eyes and the bright red color of my cheeks when I realize I just made the snake… happy by looking for its dick.
Of which it has two…. I am so in over my goddamned head.