14. Kennedy
14
KENNEDY
Y eah. So much for a poker face.
Serves me right for trying to catch a break and get a good laugh. Now when I burst into our apartment, I won’t be laughing. I’ll be having a full-fledged humiliation breakdown instead.
Then, I’m going to kill Harper.
I expect some immediate wallowing in shame with my bestie, but the apartment is dark.
“Harper!” I call out, wondering if she’s sleeping.
No answer.
I put down my things, locking the door behind me. There’s a note on the fridge.
Picked up an extra shift at the bar.
Catch up with you later.
XO Harper
Trying to shake off the embarrassment that still rages in my bones, I reach for my cell phone. I’m starting to worry about her and how much she’s working. (Pot meet kettle, I know.) I really want to tell her the story face-to-face, preferably over some sinfully high-calorie bomb, and then maybe balance the indulgence with a yoga session. But I know she’ll be mad if I don’t keep her in the loop, at least.
“Sorry I missed you, chica,” she says. “I got called into work.”
“Are you sitting down? You are going to die when you hear this.”
“Picture me plopping down on my bed with a bowl of popcorn.”
“I completed my mission.”
“No way!” she shrieks. “I’m so dying to see it!”
“I hate to break it to you, but I have no evidence. I didn’t take a picture.”
There’s a brief pause. “Seriously? No way! Then how will I ever know that you actually went through with it?”
“Because what ended up happening was too mortifying for me to ever make it up.”
“OMG, K! What happened?”
“Okay, so imagine me, ready to snap a pic, when suddenly?—”
“Wait, don’t tell me. You got caught in the act?”
“By none other than Lawzilla himself.”
“Noooo,” she howls. “I’m on the edge of my seat! Keep going!”
“He showed up just as I was putting the caper’s finishing touches on his desk. You can imagine how explaining I actually meant them for Mr. Dahlberg went over.”
She barks out a laugh. “I bet he loved it.”
“Harper! Don’t say that! Stop laughing!”
She bursts into even more laughter, which I can’t help but join in on. It’s contagious, and I’ve got to admit that, by any stretch of the imagination, it really is a hilarious predicament. Or at least it is if I forget it happened to me, in real life.
“Goofball! I can’t believe you made me do that!”
“I know! What will you do when you see him tomorrow?”
“Oh, geez. It’s gonna be so awkward. How can I even look at him? He probably thinks I’m a total freak, or worse, that I still have a thing for him. He’ll fire me, how can he not. This will be the perfect reason to get rid of me, just like he did back then. And honestly, this time I can’t even blame him. I bet he’ll call me in first thing tomorrow morning to tell me I can pack my stuff and go.”
“Is that when the firing goes down at G&G? Right at the crack of dawn?”
“As far as I know. It’ll mean he’s thought about it and made up his mind. If he calls me in right away tomorrow, it’s game over for sure.”
“Stop saying that. You don’t need to jinx yourself, it’s bad enough already… Oh, hang on. Uh-oh. Sorry, boss alert, gotta run. Love you!”
“Wait, Harper! What do I tell him?”
“Start the whole thing by asking him what he did with your underwear. Like, ‘Hey, boss, about my used panties, what did you do with them after I left?’ His brain will completely shut down. Men are wired like that. Simple. It’ll totally throw him off his game.”
I sigh. “I know what he did with them.”
“What?”
“He kept them as evidence—for after he fires me. He’s a lawyer. He’s building his case.”
“There’s a law about how many panties you can leave on your boss’s desk until he can legally fire you?”
“Yes, of course. One!” As if she needed to be told. I am so fired.
“Then sue him!”
“For what? For unauthorized panty possession? For keeping the panties I left on his desk? I can’t sue him for that! Him , of all people!”
“You gotta plead in mitigation. Isn’t that how you legal eagles say it? You know, as in, go in there and give him a BJ, because then he’ll never fire you. Think about it. It’s not like you have anything to lose at this point.”
“Harper! Be serious!”
“ What! A little distraction and he’ll be putty in your hands. That’s the only way you get him to drop his suit. Got it? Pun intended! Anyway, I’ll start thinking of another challenge since you didn’t provide proof for this one.”
“Harper, no. Don’t.”
“Love you, loser!”
Click . She hangs up.
Damn it.
I cringe at the thought of what she’ll come up with next.