Quit Me If You Can

22. Kennedy

22

KENNEDY

“ W e… kissed.”

My heart races with shock as I utter the words to Harper, while I hurry to the open elevator.

It’s late, but I had to call my bestie even though she’s at work.

I can still hardly believe it, myself.

Clearly, I’ve got a death wish.

All I remember when he leaned in is that my brain stopped working. In most cases, that’s a win. Right then, it was anything but. Why did I kiss him? Everything is out of whack.

As I step into the elevator, I catch my reflection and realize I look like Pete the Pup, that funny terrier from TV. You know, the one who has a black ring almost completely around his right eye, and only the right eye? Great. Just great . This is how I talked to him?

After wiping the mascara smudges from around my eyes and taming my crooked lashes as best as I can, I suck in one deep breath.

“Did you hear me? We kissed .”

“I knew it,” she says after a long moment of silence. It’s not a triumphant kind of statement. It’s more of an accusation, like, didn’t we agree to kick him to the curb? I can practically see her shaking her head at the other end of the phone line. “I so knew it , K.”

“You did not.”

“I sure did.”

“How?”

“It was only a matter of time.” Harper has witnessed my heartache all along, and she’s made it abundantly clear that she’s not willing to go through that anymore. “Did he devour your clit?”

“No! Of course not.” I exit the elevator and rush through the huge lobby, eager to catch the next train home.

“You sure?”

“Harper, stop talking about my clit!”

Things are so out of whack that here I am, having loud conversations about my lady-bits again. Good grief, I’m hopeless. For a second, I fantasize that he’s standing right behind me. I twirl around.

The lobby is as empty as my love life. Sweet Jesus.

“No, it’s not like that,” I say more quietly. “Not everything is about sex.”

“No, no, no, it totally is,” Harper insists. “Sex isn’t just a part of life. It’s the main event, the headliner! Think about it. The whole world runs on it. Everything we do, every movie we watch, every book we read, every decision we make—from the way we dress to the way we talk, it’s all about sex. In fact, the universe is just one giant cosmic orgy. Stars colliding, planets spinning. It’s all about the big bang?—”

“Harper, be serious! We were arguing and… well…”

“And it got out of hand?”

“But nothing else happened!” I quickly add. “And nothing else is going to. We made a deal. Boss and employee. That’s all we are. Nothing more.”

“Uh-huh. So, now, after you kissed your boss, how do you feel about him?”

The truth is, I’m better. And worse. I’m spiraling deeper and deeper into his trap. The more I try to resist him, the more I want him.

“Honestly?” I answer slowly. “Harper—he’s the love of my life.”

“Oh, girl.”

“Or… he was the love of my life.” Dad promised me I would meet somebody better and forget all about Cade. So did Mom. And everybody else I talked to. But after all these years, I haven’t been able to forget. Or to find anyone remotely better. “It’s unbearable to know that no one else will ever make me feel the way he does.”

“Yeah, I know… But?”

I push through the doors to step outside the building. “He’s heartless. He’s unfair. He can’t communicate, and I just can’t trust him. And while all those other feelings are exhilarating, intoxicating, and addictive… it all ends in heartbreak. I know because I’ve lived it before.”

“ And? ”

“And now I have to protect my heart. I’m not signing up for another round of heartbreak…” I let out an unhappy sigh. “Hopefully, that ship hasn’t set sail already.”

“ Honey . I’ve got an idea. How about you write him a farewell note. A scathing, tell-it-like-it-is kind of note. Get it all out on paper, but don’t send it. Just for your own satisfaction.”

“And then… what? Burn it in some kind of healing ritual?”

“Nope! We’ll just chuck it in the trash. Trust me, that’s therapeutic enough. Getting all that pent-up energy out of your system. It’s a pinnacle of liberation, like an orgasm for the mind. Plus, I think it’ll be hilarious to see what you come up with.”

“Hmm, orgasm for the mind? I’m starting to see the genius in this.”

“But this is strictly for my eyes only. No sending, no regrets.”

“You got it,” I say.

“Just a little venting, courtesy of Roommate Therapy Services. Plus, it’s cheaper than any other therapy and with way more laughs.”

“And definitely better snacks.”

“Speaking of which, K, we’re dangerously low on chocolate.”

“Running low on chocolate? That’s a full-blown crisis.”

“Honestly, a national emergency. I definitely have to get some. No chocolate, no rational decisions. It’s science.”

We giggle, then there’s a moment of silence, and when Harper speaks again, her voice is filled with warmth. “You know what? The world’s undisputedly best therapist is damn proud of you. Not many women would have the guts to take a job where they have to see their ex every day. Seriously, it’s what makes you so damn good at what you do. You’re tenacious and you’re resolute. And pure awesomeness. Now, don’t shoot the therapist, but you totally should study law and become a lawyer. Divorce lawyer, that’s the way to go. I’m thinking, you guys kissed, yep, and I can hear the wedding bells already. You’ll be prepared if shit hits the fan.”

I can’t help but snort. “Marry him? Never. He had his shot. But thanks for the uplifting career advice, therapist .”

“Next time, I’ll bill you.”