34. Kennedy
34
KENNEDY
M y thoughts start spiraling. His reasoning is much more complicated than anything I could have guessed.
Part of me melts at his words, but I can’t allow myself to be swayed. He’s a lawyer, for goodness’ sake. And not just any lawyer. The best in the country, damn it! He knows how to pitch his case. He knows how to deliver a line.
Fact is, my father is a reputable man. He’s an honest man. He has flaws, yes, but I’ve never once caught him in a lie. Even though he’s always been protective of me, it’s hard to imagine him threatening Cade like that. His protectiveness never stretched to yelling at a little boy at the playground who’d been bullying me or going off on one of my teachers because he thought they were being too hard on me. And even if my dad was the culprit here, instead of breaking my heart, Cade should have just come clean.
I stand taller. “You should have told me the truth.”
“I couldn’t,” he says firmly. “I’m sorry, Kennedy.”
“You’re sorry? Are you really? Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me that you regret what happened? You just said you’d do it all over again. Please don’t lie to me!”
“I do regret it. I genuinely regret it. I wish it had never happened. But if faced with it again, I would make the same call, yes.” His shoulders slump. “I made the only decision I could live with.”
I can’t breathe.
I step back.
His words sober me up really quickly.
“To keep something like that from me for so long, even after you saw how much you hurt me… that feels impossible to forgive. I don’t know how I could ever trust you again.”
“Kennedy, I’m begging you. That was a long time ago. Let this be a fresh start for us. I honestly thought you were going to forget me. I had no idea you’d suffer for so long. Please, trust me. I thought you’d move on. It’s the only secret I’ve ever kept from you, and it ate me alive.”
“How do you expect me to trust you now, or ever?”
All I know is, I need to get away.
I shake my head and wipe my eyes, snatching up my purse by the door. “I can’t do this. I have to go.”
“Please, Kennedy. Don’t go.”
I bolt from his apartment. He chases me down the hallway, pleading for me to come back inside, for us to talk.
But as far as I’m concerned, I’ve already given him a second chance, and it was under false pretenses. I deserved to know what happened before we ever slept together again. No, much earlier, even before that. Before he kissed me. No, not even then. He should have told me the truth the day he broke up with me. That ball was in his court then, and he dropped it.
Back in my dark apartment, I don’t even bother turning on the lights. I curl myself onto the couch.
My heart is aching like it’s been run over. It’s as if a heavy truck rolled over me again and again, squeezing out every ounce of strength, and then just drove off, leaving me crushed and lifeless.
Tough times don’t last, tough people do , I remind myself.
He claims he had no idea I’d suffer for so long. In all fairness (even though fairness is the last thing on my mind) I may have fueled that misconception. The fact is, in the heat of the moment I did tell him I’d move on quickly.
Can you blame me?
What should I have done? Beg him to stay with me?
Of course, I told him straight up. I wasn’t about to fight for a relationship he clearly didn’t give a damn about. And yeah, I told him to screw off and leave me alone for good. And you better believe I meant it! Heck, even I didn’t know I’d hurt for so long.
But that doesn’t excuse what he did.
Point is, I can’t fathom being with somebody I don’t trust, having to second-guess everything he ever says, wondering if and why he doesn’t involve me in decisions that affect both of us. That wasn’t about choosing ice cream for dessert. That decision changed our lives forever.
The longer I lie here, observing the stars and thinking it over, the more I realize I’ve been focused on the wrong things for far too long. I’ve been settling when I should have been striving. Now that I can see things for what they really are, it’s time to push forward.
I’ve wasted enough time going in circles.
I’ve got big things to work for.
With that in mind, I start packing two big bags.