CHAPTER 38 Cassie Fields
Nervous Cleaning
I glance at my watch. He should be coming out of surgery any minute, and he’ll be in recovery a while as he comes out of general anesthesia.
And then the real work begins. I expect he’ll be in a good bit of pain the first few days following the surgery, but knowing him how I do, I have a pretty good feeling he’ll fight his way back. There doesn’t seem to be anything he wants more than to return to the field, and he’s come a long way since the injury a mere four weeks ago.
Since it’s not standard practice for a physical therapist to be at the hospital during a patient’s surgical procedure, I’m at home today. Dr. Hayward gave me the day off since he knows I haven’t had one since Tanner was injured.
I almost wish I didn’t have the day off. It’s too quiet here with the kids at school, and I can’t seem to focus.
And so I’m cleaning.
I already vacuumed and mopped the whole house, and now I’m going through Lily’s bedroom for clothes that no longer fit and toys that no longer get played with. I’ll do Luca’s room next.
I think about checking in with Miller for an update, but I know he’ll text me when he knows anything.
Tanner asked him to.
I gave Tanner a kiss before his brother loaded him into the car at six this morning, and then I headed home. At least his brother is there, and that’s what I keep reminding myself.
I wish I could be there.
The last few weeks have been mostly incredible as we’ve transitioned into this place where we now find ourselves, and he very much feels like my boyfriend. But if he actually was, then I’d be there next to Miller.
I’m not.
I’m at home.
And by the time he’s out of surgery, the kids will be home.
I asked my parents if they could swing by to watch the kids for a few hours this evening so I could pop over to visit my patient, and they were happy to help. But Luca has baseball tonight, and that means my parents will have to run the kids around, and my kids can be a lot to take on.
I’m letting it go, though. I’m learning that sometimes I need to lean on the people closest to me because, as much as I pretend like I’m a one-woman show who can do it all…I know I can’t.
My doorbell rings just after lunch, and Jess is standing there holding a box.
“What’s in the box?” I demand, and she laughs as she flips open the lid to reveal a half dozen cookies.
I yank one with lots of chocolate chips out and take a huge bite. “Mm, these are delicious. Come on in.”
“I saw your car in the driveway and knew Tanner had his surgery today. I figured you could use some cookies. ”
“Always. Thank you.”
She looks around, and her brows dip together. “Why does it smell so…so…”
“Clean?” I supply.
“Yeah. That.”
“Because I’ve been nervous cleaning all morning.” I shrug.
“Oh, that reminds me, I have a stack of Dylan’s old clothes for Luca.” She walks in and sets the cookies on the counter, and she pulls one out for herself as she sits on one of the stools at the counter.
I sit beside her. “I can come get them.” I say the words around the mouthful of cookie, and now that I’ve taken a break from my nervous cleaning, I’m nervous eating.
I shove the whole damn cookie in my mouth.
“Let’s get down to the real reason I’m here. How are you holding up?” she asks.
“I’m okay.” I lift a shoulder, and she knows me well enough to know I’m lying.
“How are things going with you and the QB?”
“We spent the weekend together since the kids were with Alex, and it was…”
“Full of sex?” she guesses.
“Well, I mean, yeah , but that’s not what I was going to say.”
She laughs as she closes her eyes for a second. “I could just imagine how that body—”
“Grasshoppers!” I yell, and she jolts back to reality.
She hates grasshoppers.
“Get the image of my man’s naked body out of your mind,” I hiss.
She laughs. “Sorry. I was picturing his twin brother.”
“Right,” I say dryly. “Anyway, it felt like we were really together this weekend. But then I’m snapped back to reality today when I don’t even get to be in the waiting room as he goes through this surgery.”
“Oh, Cassie,” she says, and she sets her hand over mine. “I’m sure that’s tough.”
“His brother is going to text me updates, and I’m sure Dr. Barlow and Dr. Hayward will keep me in the loop. And I know ACL is a really common surgery, so I’m not worried…but I’m still worried. You know? And I can’t be worried because I have to be Mom in a few hours.”
“But you can collapse right now here with me, and I’ll pick you up and dust you off,” she offers.
I shake my head. “I wish I could, but I haven’t seen the kids since Friday morning. I need to be at bus pickup.”
“Can I watch them later so you can go see him?” she offers.
“I called in my parents.”
“Good ol’ Aunt Kim and Uncle Stu.”
I nod. “My mom is bringing dinner, and my dad is bringing corny jokes and a Hawaiian shirt, most likely.”
“Sounds like them.” She giggles. Our moms are sisters, and we grew up the best of friends because of it. She’s two years younger than me and has been my best friend since the day she was born.
“Tell me about what’s been going on with you,” I say, hoping for a distraction.
“My boss is throwing around the idea of making us come in a few times a month,” she says. She’s worked remotely for years, and every few months, her boss tosses around the idea, and there’s such pushback from his employees that eventually the idea dies. “I think this time he’s actually got a point, though. Our new hires have no idea what they’re doing because nobody is in the office to train them.” She launches into some description about her work that I’m doing my best to listen to since she’s the kind of person who will pepper in questions to make sure I’m listening, and I think I do a pretty good job.
But I’m distracted.
I’m worried.
I want another cookie.
And eventually, my phone dings with a text.
Miller: Surgery was a total success. They’re waking him up now. He’ll be discharged and home by six.
Relief filters through me, and I show the phone to Jess before I type out my reply.
Me: Thank you so much for the update. I’ll be by around six if he’s up for a visitor.
Miller: If it’s you, he will be.
My chest tightens at his words, and feeling this way all day about him is telling me something important.
This isn’t just messing around to either of us. Feelings are involved. Deep feelings. The kind of feelings I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel again—especially not so soon after the divorce.
But he’s going to be my patient for the foreseeable future.
At some point, we’re going to have to give up one or the other. Either we’re together as a couple, or I’m his physical therapist. I don’t see a way forward for us to have both…but I don’t know if I can give up either.