CHAPTER 48 Tanner Banks
Man Up, Douchebag
I stare out over the view, and I tip my glass of tequila to my lips only to find it’s already empty.
It’s done nothing to dull the ache in my chest.
It’s done nothing to stop the churning in my stomach.
My phone rang, and it wasn’t her. I didn’t answer. It rang again. Still wasn’t her.
I left her house a few hours ago, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to turn.
Miller’s not home. I don’t know where he is. It’s a Tuesday—his day off.
Every day is a day off for me.
It shouldn’t be, I guess. I should be doing my stretches and exercises, maintaining strength in other areas, and getting excited that I’ll finally be cleared to get back into the Storm’s training facility so I can work out with my teammates as I continue to make progress toward getting back in the game.
But all of it feels so goddamn pointless right now .
I had a light in this tunnel, a light that I thought was an eternal flame…but all it took was one conversation for the light to burn out.
And with the flame went my hope.
Hope for gaining strength. Hope for returning to the game. Hope for a future filled with laughter and family and kids.
Kids .
I wasn’t sure I even wanted them, and then this single mom brought not just a breath of fresh air into my life, but a whole new perspective.
But her words from earlier are on repeat in my head, crushing the perspective and the hope.
You cost me my job.
I never should’ve introduced you to my kids .
I get that she’s hurting. I get that this is fresh. I get that she was shocked by this turn of events.
But those words were a fucking knife to my soul.
I thought we were building something.
I thought that when I walked away from her with Lily’s little hand in mine on Wednesdays and called her CC that it meant something more than me just letting a kid participate.
I thought that when I gave Luca some extra pointers on the drills and worked with him after our practice was over that she’d see it was because I care so much about her, that I know that her kids are an extension of her.
Seeing her be a mom and watching her respond to situations with honesty only made me fall harder for her, and I was led to believe that feeling was mutual.
But it was all some illusion. If she could so easily bow out at the first sign of trouble, it’s hard to believe I ever meant anything to her at all .
I was always just a patient to her, and maybe she’s right. The second we saw each other in that room, we should’ve spoken up.
But I needed more time with her.
Well, I got it. And now I’m worse off because of it.
I hear the scrape of the patio slider opening, and my brother’s voice interrupts my brooding.
“What are you doing out here?” He sits in the chair next to me and leans over to sniff my drink. “Is that tequila?”
“It was.”
“Where’s Cassie?”
“Not here.” I tighten my grip on the empty glass as I keep my gaze focused out over the view.
Would things be different if I’d somehow ended up in another city? Maybe I’ll never know the answer to that.
“Dude, what the fuck is going on with you?” he asks, and I glance over at him to find his gaze fixed on me, worry creasing his brow.
I blow out a breath. “Cassie’s boss found out about us. I don’t know how. He fired her, she blames me, and now I’m out the best PT in San Diego and apparently one girlfriend.”
“What?” he breathes.
“You heard me.”
“Fuck, man. Let me get you some more tequila.”
I hand him my glass, and he returns with a glass of water. “The fuck is this?” I demand.
“Man up, douchebag.”
“Excuse me?” I say, offended by the name calling.
“You heard me. I don’t know how the fuck long you’ve been sitting like this, but it ends now. Get your ass up and do whatever exercises you’ve been assigned. You’re getting back on that field in July if I have to fucking carry you there. I didn’t move to San Di-fucking-ego with you to do this shit by myself, you hear me?”
“You don’t have a choice,” I roar at him. “I’m fucked until then.”
“So you spend every second from now until then getting better so you can make your big triumphant return. You don’t sit on the patio and drink away your sorrows. Goddammit, Tanner!” He’s angry, and truthfully, I get it. He’s feeling a certain way because I’m feeling a certain way, and it makes everything that much harder when you’re a twin who feels not just your own shit, but also someone else’s.
It's both a blessing and a curse.
“You’ve been dealt a shit hand. But the Banks brothers don’t just fucking fold when we have a bad hand. We discard the shitty ones and try again.”
“Yeah, well, maybe I’m more Nash than Banks,” I say.
“You think the Nash brothers give up? Have you fucking met them?”
“Yeah, I have met them,” I hiss. “And I’ve met Eddie Nash, who we can all agree is a selfish piece of trash. And maybe I have more of his blood running through my veins than any of us realized before.”
He rolls his eyes. “Fuck off with that load of shit, Tanner. Pull yourself together. I’m not going to sit here and let you talk shit about my best friend.”
I know he means me, and I know he’s trying the tough love route to try to make me feel better.
But this is different. This isn’t some pull me up by my bootstraps moment.
It’s not me sulking because of a bad day.
This is heartbreak. Pure and simple.
I thought I knew heartbreak. I thought we were old friends. When the end of my relationship with Heather came along, I thought I learned what it was. When I learned that Charles wasn’t my father but that our biological father had been paying off our mother to keep silent for my entire life, I thought I knew what heartbreak was again. When I tore my ACL and was told I’d need a year away from the game I was born to play, I thought that was the worst thing I’d ever endure.
But take those three things and add them together, and it’s still not as intense as the pain I feel at this moment knowing that Cassie blames me for losing not just her job, but her goals and dreams.
“Fuck you. I’m not going to sit here and take this.” I stand and head inside, moving a bit more quickly than I should given my condition. I grab the tequila bottle on my way through the kitchen and head up to my bedroom to be alone with my liquor.
And then I do exactly what my brother just told me not to do.