Rage

Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Adam

" L evi?" I whisper-yell, even though there's no one around.

The only cameras that pick up sound are the front and back doors, and my Luddite father never checks the security feeds. Unlike him, I have the security company's app on my phone with full access, so I can go in and delete footage from the day prior. Not that I've ever used that feature before today. Nor have I ever staked out the cameras to watch my parents coming and going, or to make sure a certain blond-haired siren hasn’t left yet. I haven’t been able to get him off my mind all afternoon.

The youth group did an amazing job, and I normally encourage them to spend some extra time with the residents, but today of all days I couldn't get them to leave. I texted Levi to let him know I was running behind, but the message never showed as read, and he didn't answer when I called from the car when I was finally headed home. I hope he likes Chinese food, because it's too late to cook now.

Just now, as I was walking up to my door, I thought I heard it creak, but the light that normally comes on automatically apparently doesn't work when the camera has been shut off. Whoopsie.

The door creaks again, and a faint glow illuminates the dark outline of Levi's body. He doesn't say anything to greet me or kiss me. Not that I was expecting a hello kiss, but considering the goodbye kiss that he sent me off with… Yeah, I was hoping.

I made a decision today while I drove away from Levi, praying that no one discovers him hiding out in my rooms. I decided not to fight this thing anymore, whatever it is. Not that I've been fighting all that hard since the first time Levi kissed me. The feelings he inspires inside me—not just sexual feelings—are too intense to not be something special. If it were just physical, I’d worry more that I’ve fallen into dark temptation. I am worried, but I know there’s more here, something beautiful and pure.

After letting the other youth directors know I'd be meeting them at the nursing home, I called my favorite professor from one of my world theology courses, one who has no personal ties to my father or Pastor Reynard and happens to be married to another woman. She was patient with me while I asked leading questions without any details as to why I was asking them. Thankfully, she couldn't see how intensely I was blushing when I wanted to ask why pleasure was considered a bad thing, when it's the closest to God I've ever felt.

"God loves all of his children, Adam. There are a lot of people who interpret the Bible in many ways, but they are just that—interpretations. Listen to your heart and the instincts that HE gave you. I think you worry too much about temptation and being chased by the devil, but the only devil chasing you is your penchant for punishing yourself. God made the parts of you that feel good so that you can feel good. God made the parts of you that can open up and love another person, whoever they are. God made a beautiful world full of beautiful things for you to enjoy, Adam."

Without realizing it, she backed up the conclusion that I'd already been mulling over. That God brought Levi into my life for a reason, and that he wouldn't put me on this path to punish me with these feelings. Because the things I feel are too good and too pure to be evil. How could love ever be wrong?

Levi grasps my wrist and pulls me inside, leading me to the kitchen island, where there's a mess of papers, pictures, cash, and prescription bottles. My eyes skim over it all, but hone in on the haunted look in Levi's blue eyes.

"Are you okay?" I ask, but it's a stupid question. He doesn't look okay. "What is all this?"

He swallows and fixes me with a pained stare.

"I need to tell you something, but I need you to promise that you'll hear me out. You're going to want to run, you're going to want to hate me, but?—"

"I could never hate you," I interject softly.

"Don't say that until you hear what I need to tell you. What I have to say might hurt you, but I need you to stick with me until I've said it all. You need the whole story before you decide."

"Decide what?"

"What you want to do next. Whether you want to be with me."

Be with him? "W-what does that mean, be with you?"

Does that mean he wants to be with me ? How would that even work? Does that mean I'd have to come out, or does he just mean continuing on as we are? There are too many questions swirling around in my head.

"That's something that we'll need to decide, but I think you need to hear this before you can think too hard on it."

"Okay…" I say, sitting in the chair that Levi pulls out for me.

He paces a moment, leans over the counter, fiddles with the piles of papers and other items. I haven't known Levi all that long. It's been less than two months since he came into my life, and only a few weeks since he turned my life upside down. But in all that time, I have never seen Levi look anything less than confident and self-assured. The way he's fidgeting and avoiding eye contact is disconcerting. My brain cannot conjure what he could possibly have to tell me that would make him this nervous.

Finally, he takes the seat next to me, turning to face me. My legs are too long, so he ends up with his knees between mine. A warm tingle follows wherever he touches me—my knees, my thigh, my hand when he takes it in his. He stares down at our intertwined fingers for a moment before raising his eyes to mine. The sky blue of his eyes looks darker than usual, the red rims and puffiness making them seem stormy and unstable, like the sun may never come out again. It scares me.

He takes a deep breath and starts. His voice is low and hoarse, like his throat might be sore or it's hard to get the words out.

"First, I need to tell you that I'm sorry. Even before I started to fall for you, I knew that this was wrong?—"

Wrong? Does he mean because we're both men? Wait… he said fall for you. He's falling for me, too?

"I'm falling for you, too. Have fallen, really," I blurt before he can say anything else. "Sorry, I know I'm supposed to be listening. But I feel like you need to know that. And I don't care that you're a man. I mean, I care. I'm terrified. But I don't think that something that feels this right could be wrong. I don't believe that God doesn't want us to experience happiness like this."

A smile slowly stretches Levi's lips, but his eyes are just as sad. I can't tell if he's looking at me with pity, or what. He looks like a kicked puppy.

"Thank you."

That's a weird response.

"What's going on, Levi?" I ask softly, gesturing for him to continue. I'll shut up now so he can tell me what he so desperately needs to.

"I'll, uh, start at the beginning…" He looks down again, mouth twisting.

"Hey," I say, reaching to tip his chin up to look at me. My, how the tables have turned . "It's okay. It'll be okay."

How can it not be? I'm in love with him. He just said he's falling in love with me. The rest we can work around. Long distance? Hiding our love from the outside world? Trying to separate my life from my father's? None of it seems insurmountable now that he's said those words.

Leaning forward, I press my lips to his. He sighs into the kiss, opening for me. It's soft and sweet, and yet still makes my pants feel tight. Will that excitement ever dull? I hope not, but even without it, I want to bask in his light for the rest of my life.

Salt mingles with the taste of Levi's lips, and I pull back to see a tear track down his face. I kiss him once more. Twice. When I take his hands in mind, I notice that he’s wearing gloves. Why is he wearing gloves?

"A few months ago, I was staying with my sister. We were supposed to be going on a cruise to celebrate that she’d graduated from her pre-law program early because she's an overachiever. She'd been working as an assistant at this big fancy law firm, was ready to start law school in the fall. Anyway, we had to cancel the cruise because she was sick. Well, not sick exactly—she was pregnant.” He takes a shaky breath. “Everly was terrified about telling our mom, and she'd gotten into an argument with her boyfriend about keeping the pregnancy, but she was still so happy. She was so excited to be a mother, despite the circumstances. She said it was God's will, and she could feel the rightness of it. Her boyfriend would come around, and she'd have to put off law school for a year or so, she thought. But she was steadfast in her optimism about it all. Honestly, I believe she could have pulled it off. Even if our mother disowned her, even if the boyfriend didn't come around and she had to do it on her own. My sister would have been the best mother and found a way to put herself through school to become the best lawyer. It's just the kind of person she is— was. "

Was. He pauses for another shaky breath and my hand tightens around his.

"Later that week, Everly went out on a date with her boyfriend. They'd met for coffee two days before and had been talking on the phone. Just like she said he would, he'd changed his tune. He took her to some overpriced boutique store to make a registry and even put a hold on some fancy nursery furniture. They were sending house listings back and forth, and she was positive he was going to propose. I was worried, of course I was. All I knew about the guy was that his name was Matt, she'd met him at the law firm she worked at, and that he spoiled her.” Levi scoffs, and a tear escapes his eye.

“Aside from the morning sickness and living off nothing but protein smoothies, she was okay. Better than okay. She was literally glowing… Until she started cramping and feeling really sick. The bleeding started before she could even get an appointment with her doctor, and I took her to the emergency room."

"Everything happened so fast. Ultimately, she miscarried and hemorrhaged. Lost too much blood and had a stroke."

Dear God. I bring his hand to my chest, cradling it there like I can soothe both our pain. My heart aches for him. "I'm so sorry."

"I called him. The boyfriend. She'd tried to get in touch with him while she was still conscious, but he'd been out of town for work and didn't answer. When I finally got through to him, he didn't say much. All he asked was if she'd live, and if the baby survived. He never showed up. A couple of days later, when I called to update him, the number was no longer in service. Something felt off. I scoured her phone, reading through all her text messages and social media, but she wasn't very active online. I found a few selfies she'd kept on her phone and got some hints from the text message thread."

The way he looks at me feels foreboding. There's a tension in the air that clogs my throat. I know what he's going to say next, even though I don't want it to be true. Why else would he feel the need to tell me all of this?

Levi holds up a phone that was sitting on the counter with all the other stuff that suddenly feels very ominous. The screen is already unlocked, the photos app pulled up. On the screen are multiple pictures of my father with a very pretty young girl. Some of them could be considered innocent enough, but as Levi swipes through the photos, there are a few that I wish I hadn't seen that make it very clear what the nature of their relationship was.

My father was having an affair with Levi's sister.

"The more I dug into things, the more I got the feeling that something was very off." He pauses and swallows again before leveling me with a very serious glare. "I found out that Mathias Havre had closed the baby registry two days before Everly got sick."

"Wh-what?"

Levi nods, like he's waiting for me to catch up, for something to click in my brain. But the opposite is happening. It doesn't make any sense.

"Everly's boyfriend didn't want her to have the baby, but then came around suddenly and was making all these plans. All of his text messages were planning their future together, discussing baby names and what the nursery would look like and whether their future child would have her freckles. But he canceled the registry even while he was telling my sister he hopes the baby is a little girl so he can spoil her. And then, when he was notified that something was wrong, he didn't come to her side. He blocked all communication. Never reached out or checked on her. The last part almost made sense once I found out he was married and a public figure, but the registry thing kept bothering me…."

A wave of nausea rolls through me. The smell of the takeout I set on the table is no longer appetizing, and I consider opening the door to let some fresh air into the room.

Levi clears his throat, and his eyes fall shut. His posture is tense, and I know he isn't done. There's something more. He said he'd done something bad, but all he's talked about is my father and his sister.

"I started following your dad. That's how I ended up at your church. I knew he did something to my sister. I knew it. But there he was, smiling and going on with his perfect public image and perfect family. I wanted to ruin him like he ruined my sister. She's alive, but she might never regain her full brain function. She's rotting in a hospital bed, while he's winning elections on a platform of family values. I hate him, Adam."

I suck in a sharp breath. I don't know how to feel. Honestly, I can't really blame him. Especially because I know some things about my father that he doesn't. Things my gut wants me to share with him, but the expression in his watery eyes tells me there's more.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Do you remember the volunteer project we did with the youth group, the one where we fixed up that old lady's house?"

Uh, yeah, I remember.

I'd noticed Levi the first day he stepped into the church, surreptitiously watched him sit in the back pew week after week. But that project was the first time I really looked at Levi. At the end of the day, we were covered in sweat and sawdust. Levi switched his shirt for a clean one before getting in his car to leave. I think I nearly swallowed my tongue when I looked over at the car next to mine and saw him without a shirt. The way he'd grinned when he noticed me looking at him terrified me, but it also exhilarated me. It was after that day that Levi started coming around more, volunteering more, and we started getting to know each other. It was only a week later that he kissed me for the first time, and I’d embarrassed myself with just a light brush of his hand over the crotch of my jeans.

"The moment I saw you look at me like that, I knew I could seduce you. Use you. I started talking to you, flirting with you… doing things to you I knew you were uncomfortable with, but wouldn't stop because I knew you wanted it. I took advantage of you and got close to you with the intent to get back at your father for what he did to Everly. I didn't have a plan. My best-case scenario was that I'd get access to the senator and find something to incriminate him… And I did."

The room is spinning, a burning sensation crawling up my esophagus. It takes a conscious effort to breathe.

Everything I let him do to me, that I did to him… Everything I've been feeling. None of it was real.

My voice is barely audible. "It was all… a lie?"

"It started that way, yes." He gives me a moment to process, but when I don't move, he says more. "It started that way, but something happened along the way I wasn't expecting. I got to know you, and you're so much more than what I saw when I first laid eyes on you."

"And what was that?" I spit out.

"I thought you were surface-level like your dad. Perfect on the outside, but hiding something sinister and ugly on the inside."

He’s wrong though. I do have something sinister and ugly on the inside. I always have. A secret I never dared to speak out loud. A secret I tried to deny, even to myself. All the prayers, and self-loathing, and fear of hellfire couldn't burn it out of me, but at least I'd never acted on it. At least I could pretend. Until I met him, and he made me believe that the worst part of me was something beautiful.

"No, Adam," Levi says sharply. "No. Nothing like that. Don't ever think that, please. Even if you hate me, even if you never want to see or speak to me again, I need you to know this?—"

This time it's him who makes me look up, cradling the sides of my face in both hands and looking deep into my eyes. His eyes are filled with tears, and the look he's giving me is full of sincerity and longing. It's painful to look at him. He's so beautiful. So full of life. How is it possible that he could be faking something that I felt in my soul?

"You are perfect, Adam. In every way, inside and out. It took one conversation to realize you were nothing like your father. But I'm broken inside, Adam. I still kept pushing you, kept digging, kept trying to get closer and closer to you. And a big part of that, even after I learned you are a good person, was because I wanted to take advantage of that goodness. I could have stopped, could have left you alone and found another way, but I didn't. Because I didn't want to stop.”

He sucks in a jagged breath and continues, the pained tone in his voice making it sound like the words hurt as much to say as they do to hear.

“The closer I got to you, the more I wanted you. The more I tasted, the more I hungered for you. I didn't even realize the depths of my feelings for you until I knew it was too late, until the moment I had all the evidence I need laid out in front of me, and I realized that if I did this, if I used the information I found today to take him down and expose him… that I would be losing you."

Pulling away from him, I stand. He moves to follow me, but I hold up a hand. My brain is tired. I don't know what to think or what to feel.

"Why tell me, then? Why not keep stringing me along until you got tired of me? Or is that it—are you done playing with me already? Think it'll be less fun now that you aren't using me to get something you want?"

I'm angry and talking out of my ass, probably not making any sense. Nothing makes sense anymore.

He used me.

"I would love you for the rest of my life if it was a choice."

My stupid, selfish heart restarts itself with a painful lurch. "Then why tell me?"

"Because I can't lie to you anymore. You deserve the truth. And because I don't think I'm capable of letting your father get away with what he's done."

He pushes the items on the counter closer to me, and I focus on them for the first time. A copy of the medical records for Everly Asher, some printed emails from a Dr. Finley at the care facility where she's being treated, asking for progress updates in return for payment. There are records of wire transfers.

Levi’s gloved hand rests on a printed list of instructions next to two pill bottles. The labels aren't from a pharmacy, only plain white labels with the name of what I'm assuming the medications are: misoprostol and mifepristone.

"Those are the medications that doctors prescribe to induce abortion, and the instructions on how to use them. Whoever gave them to him specified how much to give and when to give them. There's a note at the bottom that states how much was in each bottle, which was far more than the dosage needed. The note specifically mentions not to give more than the original dose."

Levi picks up the bottles and shakes them.

"They're empty."

He nods. His expression is closed, but I can read the agony in his posture. The anger. The absolute hopelessness.

The pill bottles drop from his hand onto the counter, like they’re too heavy for him to hold any longer. His shoulders slump, and I feel his pain so viscerally that it makes my stomach lurch. Stumbling to the kitchen sink, I barely make it in time before I lose the contents of my stomach.