Rage

Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Noah

W e have been locked up in our separate rooms for weeks, since the whole tie up the kidnapper incident. Sin is the only human contact I’ve had since I held Kieran in my arms, when she found out she’s pregnant. I agree with Sin that her childhood doesn’t define her, but I also see where she’s coming from. The trauma would be hard to overcome, especially because she doesn’t talk about it much. I ask to see Kieran every day to check on her, but every day I get the same response.

I’m getting sick and tired of hearing it! I need to see how she’s doing, because it’s irritating me that she might need me and I can’t get to her.

“What’s with the look on your face?” Sin questions.

I jump–I didn’t hear him come in my room. “I want to see Kieran,”

“Not yet, it’s not time,”

It’s pissing me off. Sin is so much closer to getting me to admit that I want him. I’ve come to terms that I’m not straight, but I’m still not sure I’m ready. He’s such an asshole. The only time we’ve ever got close to anything was when he let me into Kieran’s room. Since then, he hasn’t touched me and I haven’t touched him.

Sin walks up to me, his gray eyes, staring into my soul. He reaches down and touches my face. “When are you gonna admit you want me?”

“I don’t,” I admit on a soft whisper.

“Why are you still lying?” Sin growls. “It’s been weeks, and I’ve seen your search history.”

That statement startles me. I whip my head towards him. “Excuse me?”

He looks at the floor rubbing the back of his neck.

“When I was watching both of you, I went through your search history. I saw what you were searching for. Why would you deny yourself for so long? What happened to you that you think this is the right way? Why are you still pretending to be straight?”

I stare at him. His face is as blank as the mask he wears. I should feel violated, but I feel immense relief and a little bit of shame. The relief is what catches me off guard. Why am I relieved that someone knows about this? “Do you know what it’s like to have all sixty-four bones in your arm broken?” I ask while he stands there silent. “Because I do.”

He blinks at me slowly, an unreadable expression in his eyes, and I take a deep breath, hoping that he’ll understand what I’m about to say.

“So, I’m so fucking sorry if me being unsure about my sexuality is such an inconvenience to your stupid ass, but no; I’m not just going to jump into bed with you.”

He takes a step back, like I slapped him. I look down at his hands and see them trembling. My eyes slowly travel back up to his face, his whole body is visibly shaking.

“Are you okay?” I question, taking a step closer. “You’re shaking.”

“I’m fine,” he answers carefully and calmly. “Who did that to you? Who made you question yourself?” he says with a growl.

“It doesn’t matter, it was a long time ago.”

“It does matter, especially if it still haunts you,” he replies. “I’m gonna ask you one more time, and if you don’t answer or you say some bullshit, you won’t like what happens.” He drives the point home with a feral look. “WHO DID THAT TO YOU?

I look at Sin, weighing my options. If I tell him it will dig up old feelings that I want to keep buried. I haven’t even told Kieran about my past.

Sin clears his throat, tapping his foot on the floor. “Now, Noah!”

I take a deep steadying breath, needing to buy myself a few extra seconds. Closing my eyes I picture the only thing that will bring me any peace– Kieran. While I relive the worst moment of my life.

“When I was fifteen, I had a friend. He was my best friend really. He was on the football team or—well, I guess that’s not important, but anyways, he came over to my house a lot, and one night my father walked in while we were kissing and—” I trail off.

“And what?” Sin presses.

“And my father ripped us apart and beat him so bad he had to leave in an ambulance. And me? Well, he broke every bone in my arm and hand. I was in a cast, I had to do years of physical therapy to regain my movement back.” I raise my arm showing him my scars.

“What happened to your father?”

“Nothing. He has friends in high places who were able to sweep it under the rug.”

“I’m sorry, Noah. I know what it’s like to have a shitty father. I have a brother, I haven't talked to since I was ten. He left and fell in with bad people,” He admits, with a pained look, “but a part of me knows he left because of me. Looking at me just reminds him of what happened to his father and our mother.”

My heart squeezes for him.

Sin steps forward and hesitates before saying, “Can I touch you?”

I nod my head yes, and he wraps me in his arms faster than I can blink. I take a shaky breath and exhale slowly. I feel a wet spot on his shirt, so I pull back and blink, feeling a line of wetness on my cheek. When did I start crying?

Sin runs his hand through my hair and holds me while I release decades’ worth of pent up hurt and sadness against his chest.

“I’m sorry I’ve been trying to push you, baby, but you need to let go of everything that vile man told you,” Sin says, sadly.

I look at him. And I mean really look at him this time. He’s just a sad broken man. I don’t know what happened to him, but he needs help too. That has to be why he’s doing the things he’s doing.

He’s walking a very thin line between me hating him and feeling so bad for him, and I’m willing to give him anything he asks for. I vow to myself that I will try to understand him. He needs that.