Eleven
Six Years Ago
“ Y ou’re going to have to introduce us eventually.”
Flora’s arm was linked with mine as we strolled down the street, heading toward our luncheon. She knew about Adam—of course she did, who else would I talk to?—but insisted upon meeting him every time he was brought up in conversation.
I scanned the other pedestrians, hoping no one heard.
“I will,” I said, lowering my voice. The paranoia was still there, the worry that Lucas would find out. It had been a few months, but we’d managed to slip under his and Mother’s notice. She believed me when I said I was going out with Flora, and Lucas didn’t give me any more attention than he usually did: a sneer, some terrible remark, before going out or into his study to work .
“I want to know what he looks like,” Flora gushed, squeezing my arm. “I need to know how handsome he is!”
My cheeks heated, as they always did when I thought of him. “He’s quite handsome,” I said.
She grinned at me and leaned closer, her lips brushing my ear. “Have you kissed him yet?”
I should have expected the question from her, but I turned aflame all the same. “Flora!” Glancing around the street, the other people walking didn’t seem to notice our conversation. How improper it would be—he and I weren’t officially courting, and if Mother knew I kissed someone, she’d lock me in the house until I was married.
“What?” Flora’s grin spread, painted lips glossy in the sunlight. She knew that she was the first person I would tell if anything happened. “Don’t act like you care about being proper now, doll. You’ve already gone out with him— many times.”
“Quiet, or my mother will know she harbors a harlot.”
Her eyes twinkled with mischief as she laughed. “You’ve done more, then?”
“Hush.” I nearly covered her mouth with my palm. “Of course not.”
In truth, we hadn’t yet done much of anything past holding hands. He said such devilish things, sending me reeling, wishing for him to just claim my lips as his, making my toes curl—but every time he wrapped his arms around me, that was it. He held me, he pulled me to him, he caressed my face and brought me so close, but he never pressed his lips to mine, and I was beginning to wonder if he cared more for my honor than I did .
It kept me awake at night, wondering if he did not crave me as much as I craved him?
He’d get this look in his eye when he saw how I clung to him, and suddenly the rogue side of him melted away, and he’d set me on my feet and make sure I got home safe. He was a gentleman, even when the facade slipped away.
Flora sighed dreamily. “You’re going to get married before me.”
“I didn’t realize it was a competition,” I said. Though, of course, it was. An unspoken thing between us—she was the first to have a boy interested in her, the first to be courted, the first to be kissed. And in those milestones, I was significantly behind. But it was the first time in our friendship that the roles were reversed. She had no one calling on her now, but I did.
“Do you think you’ll get married?” she asked as we neared the lunch club we frequented. “You and Adam?”
Adam Vering . I would be Helena Vering.
I didn’t think about it too much, because I didn’t like the answer. Lucas would never let me. Mother would lose herself weeping. I couldn’t marry down —not when our family worked so hard to make a name for ourselves.
Another thing that forced sleep to evade me in the evening hours.
I took a breath and shrugged. “I don’t know,” I said. Because if I couldn’t marry him, why did I see him? Why let him worm his way into my heart? I did all this against my better judgment—I couldn’t deny that thread between us, how every day it pulled taut, begging me to find him, wherever he was in the city. I ached every day for him. Never before had I felt so strongly, so quickly .
“Well, you know I’ll be your maid of honor,” she smiled, noticing the change in my mood.
“I would have no one else.” I returned her smile, pushing all the negative thoughts from my mind. It was daytime, the sun was out, and I was with my best friend. My worries were for the dark, when I was well and truly alone.
We crossed the street quickly, coming upon the hotel we lunched at. The crowd was thicker here, carriages crowding the street and groups of people spilling out of the building. We managed to squeeze through, and the doorman let us in without a word, nodding as we passed. The lobby was just as boisterous, except voices bounced and echoed off the polished floor. Arms still linked, Flora and I passed the front desk, making our way to the club just past the grand staircase.
I never paid much attention to the crowds—in such a place, there were so many people, you could see thousands of faces in a day and return tomorrow to a whole new thousand. But I knew his face, his auburn hair.
A gasp slipped out of me, and as though I had shouted, he turned from where he stood, eyes catching mine immediately. He startled, glancing twice, before realizing it was indeed me across the room.
“Helena,” he said, and there was no way I could hear it amongst the crowded lobby, but I knew he said it. I had seen those lips say my name so many times now, had memorized the way they moved.
My steps faltered, and Flora seemed to notice, looking to me in confusion—then to him, the young man pushing toward us.
“Is that him? ”
He wasn’t wearing the clothes he wore at the printer’s. He was clean shaven, no streaks of ink on his face, his hair clean under his cap. His jacket was the same as the one he’d worn on our first outing—clean, pressed, tidy.
My mouth opened and closed in shock, but no words came.
“Helena,” he said again, smiling, that dimple appearing on his cheek.
It was so crowded here, and he was coming up to me—and Flora was here, what if it hadn’t been Flora, what if it’d been my mother. Wasn’t he working? God, he was so beautiful. If Lucas or any of his friends were here, they’d find out. I’d never see him again—
“How—”
Flora stuck her hand out, as the men do. “I’m Florence Sanford. Nice to meet you.”
He took her hand and shook it, the smile never leaving his face. “Adam Vering. A pleasure.”
“Gosh, you’re more handsome than she let on.” Flora grinned, elbowing me in the arm. She turned to me. “Did you plan this?”
“Entirely unplanned,” I managed to say.
“Well, why don’t you join us?” Flora began pulling me toward the club.
There were already so many people looking at us—did they recognize me? Did they know who I was?
Adam’s eyes were only on me, and though my heart warmed at his gaze, my fear took hold, its grip icy on my neck. Warning me. His smile faltered, that distanced look putting up a wall between us again. “Thank you, but I must be on my way,” he said, his eyes never leaving me, but his words were for Flora .
I swallowed. I wanted so desperately to invite him in, to enjoy our time, but I couldn’t jeopardize this. If word got back—
Flora pouted. “Well, when am I supposed to get to know you, then?”
He turned that charming smile on her then, holding out a hand. She placed her gloved fingers in his, and he brought them to his lips, his roguish smile as endearing as ever. “Someday soon, I expect,” he said.
And then he turned those eyes back on me, and it took everything in me not to throw my arms around his neck and ruin my name. I wanted nothing more than to go out with him, Flora our chaperone, like any normal couple would. Keeping him a secret was eating me up, but I had no other choice.
Turning to Flora, I patted her arm. “Go ahead and get our seats. I’ll be there in a minute.”
Her eyes flicked from him to me, smiling coyly, nodding slowly. “I’ll holler if the food gets cold.”
She slunk away, leaving us alone amidst a crowded lobby, where anyone could see. But it was done now, and if someone saw, we were already damned.
“Why are you here?”
His easy expression cracked just a bit. “What do you mean?”
“You’re not working.” Pointing it out felt slimy, like I was accusing him of something, but I didn’t know what.
“I wanted to talk to you.”
“But—we have plans. You’ll see me in a few days.”
Adam glanced around the room, peering over my shoulder at one of the many hallways leading away from the lobby. His fingers wrapped around my own, tugging me in one direction. “Follow me.”
I let him pull me down one of the halls, leading probably to the many amenities for guests, and the crowd became considerably smaller. No one looked at us, caught up in their own conversations. And when he shoved through a door, we came out to an alleyway between this building and the next. It was immediately quieter, the sounds of the street muffled by the corner we were now hidden around. Brick walls on either side of us, a few trash receptacles, newspapers littering the ground. But no one else, save for an employee at the very end of the alleyway, smoking a cigarette and leaning against the wall, staring up at the sliver of sky between the two buildings.
The door fell shut with a loud clank , drawing the hotel employee’s attention, but he quickly looked away. He had probably snuck away without anyone knowing, for a breath of air, and I figured he wouldn’t blab if we didn’t.
I was suddenly whirled around, my back hitting the brick wall, knocking my breath from my lips. And Adam was suddenly caging me in, his broad shoulders blocking out the alley.
“Adam!”
His knee pressed between my legs, trapping me between him and the wall. My heart fluttered in my chest. “It was too loud in there,” he said, leaning closer to me. His hands rested on the wall, one on each side of my head. And every time his eyes flicked down to my lips, I wanted to kiss him.
But if anyone saw us now, I’d be ruined.
My cheeks were aflame. “You wanted to talk— ”
He brushed his nose along my cheek, sending shocks through me. My eyes shut, a gasp escaping me as my hands came up to his chest. His heart beat against my fingers, a rhythmic thud. “I want to do more than talk,” he murmured, hooded eyes trailing along me, my body.
“But, how—” Another gasp was drawn from me when his hand came to rest on my jaw, thumb brushing against my cheekbone. “Flora—”
“Because once a week is not enough, Helena.” His breath was hot against my lips. He was so close. So, so close. All it would take was a brush of our lips and I would truly be the harlot my mother feared. And the position he had me in now, the polite, sometimes devilish young man had made way for the part of him that desired me. Like he couldn’t hold it back anymore.
And despite my best judgment, I wanted him to keep going.
“You are driving me wild,” he said. “I can think of nothing else. Every waking moment is spent wondering where you are, what you’re doing. And I hate that I can’t be there.” He dipped his head lower, nose lingering against my jaw, his breath fanning the sensitive flesh of my neck.
Another clank of the door signaled the absence of the employee, perhaps worried what he’d see if he stayed any longer.
My hand fisted in Adam’s shirt. “You’re going to get me into trouble,” I whispered. My eyes were shut, every sensation of his touch lessening my worries. No man had ever pushed me up against a wall before. No man had been so wild with desire for me. The boys that I’d briefly courted—all polite conversation, supervised. Nothing like this.
It sent my body reeling, and all I knew was I wanted more .
“Is it bad that I don’t care?” Adam said, placing a kiss on my neck.
Something in me tightened.
“I’m inclined to ruin you, Helena.” Another kiss, closer to my ear. “To steal you away.”
Every breath was ragged. My head spun. “I can’t—”
“Why worry so much?” he murmured, leaning away just enough so he could look me in the eye. I saw the desire there, his pupils dilated. Felt how much he wanted me with every touch, with the way he pressed his body to mine.
I reached up, twining my hand around his neck, pulling him to me, our foreheads together. “Because,” I said, tangling my fingers in his hair, “I don’t want this to end.”