Redefining Strength (Bluebell Falls #4)

1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Lennox

The hospital is starting to feel like a second home, and I fucking hate it.

It’s my own fault this time, but it doesn’t help the anxiety, the fear, and the sheer anger I’m feeling as I lie in this scratchy bed.

My older brother, Ledger, is standing in the corner, with his arms crossed over his chest and a scowl mixed with concern on his face, as the doctor drones on about the damage I did to my quad.

“…surgery.”

The doctor’s words make my chest tighten. Not another surgery.

“I’m sorry, can you repeat that?” I croak, realizing this is more serious than I thought it was.

“Absolutely.” The doctor turns from Ledger to me. “Scans show that you tore your quad completely, which leaves surgery as our only option. It’s a fairly easy surgery, which will be outpatient, as long as there are no complications. From there, you’re looking at some heavy physical therapy, but you’re young and should recover just fine.”

Simple. Easy. That’s what his tone implies, but nothing could be further from the truth.

“Okay. When’s the surgery?” I can hear the despondency in my voice but can do nothing to change it. It’s been like this since him .

Alfred Tennison.

He changed my life forever when he captured me in Sam Houston National Park, the same park I’m a park ranger in—well, used to be, I guess. I’m not sure of my current employment status, considering I’m currently in the hospital. Then he proceeded to slice my body up, little by little, until I was too weak to know what was going on.

That was months ago. I couldn’t even tell you how many. Four, maybe six? It doesn’t really matter. What matters is the sinking feeling in my gut, the spiraling thoughts that never seem to end. It’s like diving into a black hole with no way out, no sense of direction, and you sink deeper and deeper into the abyss.

How fucking philosophical.

“Since you live forty minutes away, in Bluebell Falls, I got you on the schedule for tomorrow, but that means you need to stay here tonight.”

I huff in annoyance.

“Lennox, this makes the most sense.” Ledger’s tone tells me he’s over my attitude, but I can’t even bring myself to care.

“Whatever. Can I get some sleep medication?” Sleeping until surgery sounds good. It’s not like I’ve been getting any amount of steady sleep since … the incident. I’m not one for medication—in fact, I actively avoid it—but right now, I just want to say, Fuck it.

“I can have the nurse bring you some in a couple of hours,” the doctor says before taking his leave.

“What were you thinking hiking that trail? Jesus,” Ledger mutters as he pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Well, sure seems like I wasn’t thinking. Thanks for pointing that out, Dad. ” He hates it when any of us call him that. Always made a point to say he wasn’t replacing our father. Nowadays, I only use it when I want to needle him.

“You’re a pain in the ass. We’re doing family dinner here tonight, so get some Tylenol or something because you’re staying awake for it.” He turns to walk out of my room, and I slump in relief.

He and my sisters are trying to help, and they worry more about me the longer it’s been since the incident, but I can’t seem to pull myself out of this shit. I probably scared my sister Willow more than anything when I called her from my hike when I fell. But, fuck, it felt amazing to lose myself on a trail for a while. To feel normal.

Ledger leaves me blissfully alone for the next hour before my hospital room gets transformed into a family dinner in a matter of minutes.

It’s a tradition we’ve had since we were little kids, and something Ledger continued after our parents died and he took over custody of Willow and me. Once a week, like clockwork, we get together, make someone’s favorite meal, and talk about something good that happened that week. Somehow, I don’t think there will be many positives this week.

“What’s up, Lenny? Decided another hospital stay would be a good time?” Rina jokes as she walks in the door carrying a bag of burgers from my favorite place in Rosedale. There’s a weariness in her eyes that usually isn’t there, but my time hiding from life is taking its toll on everyone. We’re a close-knit family, and watching any one of us retreat into themselves would be hard.

I want to change, to get better and go back to how things used to be, but I have no fucking clue how. And no will to put in the effort, honestly.

“You know me. Just can’t stay away,” I deadpan .

Willow clears her throat as she pulls the rolling tray over my lap. “Ledger said you need another surgery,” she says barely louder than a whisper.

Opening my mouth to apologize for scaring the shit out of her earlier, I close it just as fast when the words won’t come. “Yup,” I croak.

Arlo and Oakley come in with additional chairs I’m not sure are allowed in my room, but those two probably have some hookup at the hospital to get whatever they want. When I learned Oakley was an ex-U.S. Marshal and dating Willow, I wanted to hate him. Too bad he’s a stand-up guy who saved me and is great to my sister.

Speaking of dating my sister, this is the first time I’ve seen Rina and Arlo together since they finally publicly got married. As I watch Arlo wrap his arm around Rina and kiss the side of her head, my chest clenches. They look good. Happy. And it makes the depression even worse, knowing I’m missing such huge moments in their lives.

At least you were there for the ceremony.

“Okay, Rina, hand out dinner; everyone else, take a seat and let’s do the rounds,” Ledger instructs.

Rina dutifully does as instructed before sitting down and unwrapping her burger.

“I’ll start,” Willow jumps in quickly, probably sensing the tension and wanting to fill the awkwardness. “My favorite thing this week was getting started on my new office.” She beams as she looks at Oakley.

“Mine was getting burgers from Joe’s Icehouse. I’ve missed them.” Rina holds a burger up to her cheek in a hug, and the corner of my lip tugs up infinitesimally.

“I think my favorite part of the week was not having the gossip committee come into my office once,” Arlo says .

“That must be a record,” Rina murmurs.

“I made a new panini this week, and the three people who have had it loved it,” Oakley says.

“Who’s had it?” Ledger asks.

“Brittany, Willow, and me.” He grins, causing the group, except me, to laugh.

“I’m happy I had a long weekend and was able to drive to Austin to hang out with my sister,” Ainsley says before shoving some fries into her mouth.

Everyone turns to Ledger, assuming I won’t say anything, and they’d be right.

“I’m happy we’re all here in this hospital room so we can have an actual conversation about how to help you.” Ledger’s stare physically hurts me.

“Ledg…” Ainsley, Ledger’s fiancée, hedges.

“No. We’ve tiptoed around this for too long. Once you’re home, we’re putting an ad out for a physical therapist who will come to the house every day.” He says it with authority, but I couldn’t care less about his perceived power.

“No.” I take a bite of my burger, but it turns bitter in my mouth, and I can barely swallow it.

“Too fucking bad,” Ledger challenges.

Putting my food back on the table, I stare at him. The anger I constantly feel takes over, and I want to lash out. But that won’t accomplish anything. Deep down, I know his heart is in the right place. I’d honestly be worried about him if the roles were reversed.

I tip my head back against the flat hospital pillow, and a rush of emotions hits me. Before I realize what’s happening, my shoulders are shaking with the force of my tears, and arms wrap around me .

“We just want to help you, Len. We don’t know what else to do, but we can’t sit around and let you self-destruct anymore,” Rina whispers.

“Please let us do this. We can work up to other things, but at least let us have a physical therapist get you physically in shape to feel better,” Willow adds.

“I hate this,” I hiccup.

“We know,” Rina says.

Both of their arms squeeze me a little tighter as mine hang limply at my sides. When they let go and step back, I wipe my face, ridding it of the evidence showing my momentary breakdown.

Clearing my throat, I look at Ledger, whose eyes are glassy. “Send the PT.”

It’s as close to an apology and thanks as I can muster without losing my shit again. He nods in acknowledgment before everyone digs into their food like nothing happened.

Dignity is a weird thing. Something you hold so close when things are going well. Something I lost entirely when I was stripped naked with a psychopath slicing into every inch of my skin he could see. It’s now something I desperately cling to. A form of self-preservation, giving me a lifeline to grab when I feel like I’m barely holding it together.

I watch each member of our expanding family, see all the little looks between couples, and I’m thankful they all seem happy. It makes me realize how little I’ve been involved in anything outside of locking myself in my cabin, wallowing in nightmares and too many depressing thoughts.

As much as I don’t want to admit it, even to myself, maybe this intervention is what I need.

I wake up from surgery groggy as hell. I hate this part, not knowing where I am and how long I’ve been out. The doctor said it would only be a couple of hours, but who knows with how much scar tissue I have and potential complications.

“How ya feeling, Lenny?” Willow asks with a smirk.

“High as shit,” I grumble.

“Yeah, you got the good stuff. You’ve been talking in your sleep. It gave me lots of material to work with for a new book.”

“You said you would never write me into your books,” I say with as much force as I can muster with the sedation still coursing through me.

“A promise made when we were ten doesn’t count almost twenty years later, Len.” She laughs.

“It absolutely does.” I try to shift my weight and sit up more before she reaches for the remote to elevate the bed.

“I’m just giving you shit. You didn’t even say anything interesting.” She plays it off as a joke, but her eyes tell me it was the exact opposite.

If I know myself, I was probably reliving some of the fateful day with Tennison, something I had hoped to keep from my family until we’re all dust in the wind.

“Doc said everything went well. They want the anesthesia to wear off before discharging you. Said everything patched up nicely and that he’s sending you home with PT to start in a couple of days. The faster you start exercises, the better for this type of injury, apparently. ”

I cringe at the thought of stretching my quad while it’s literally being held together by stitches.

“Yeah, that’s the face I made too when they were telling me about it.” Willow’s smile looks closer to a grimace as we both think about the logistics of physical therapy so soon.

“I’m sorry if you heard anything … bad while I was coming out of it,” I whisper.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Her eyes warm as she grabs my hand and squeezes it.

I’m grateful for the reprieve, even if it is a lie.

When I clear my throat again, she grabs some water, letting me soothe my dry throat before I continue, “Thanks for being here.”

“Of course! Everyone else wanted to come too, but I convinced them you would hate that shit, and they wisely stayed home. Plus, what’s the point in taking two cars round trip when we only need one to pick you up? Makes no fucking sense,” she mutters as her eyes roll.

I laugh, and it startles her, making me aware of how little laughing I’ve done these past months.

A knock at the door interrupts my musing.

“Just here with your discharge information. We’ll keep you for about another hour, but getting the paperwork out of the way is always nice.” The nurse smiles.

True to her word, an hour later, I’m being wheeled out of the hospital in a full leg brace. Over the quiet forty-minute drive back home, I vow to be a better brother and start being more involved in everyone’s life again. It won’t happen overnight, but making the decision is the first step, right?