4. Chapter 4
Chapter 4
Lennox
I’m sitting on the couch when Ledger walks through my front door. I don’t bother with an acknowledgment, still too pissed at his unilateral decision, so I decide to wear it like armor. I woke up butt-fuck early in order to hobble my grumpy ass out here, so he’s about to hear my wrath.
“Good morning to you too,” Ledger says as he sets down the food and drinks from Grind Time on the kitchen counter.
“In what world do you think the events of last night would make for a good morning?” I bark, no longer able to hold my tongue.
“Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It wasn’t my intention; I genuinely forgot about it. I had some problems pop up on a project yesterday, and the day was over before I could call you, and then I crashed. It’s not a good reason, I know.” He sits on the opposite end of the couch.
“You should have told me as soon as you made these fucking plans. I was okay with hiring a physical therapist, but shit, Ledg, how the fuck am I supposed to be okay with her living here? And she has a fucking kid!” I won’t tell him that said kid is the most adorable thing on the planet. It wouldn’t matter if I did; I’m no good for anyone right now, and I’ll only bring bad things into their lives.
“You done? ”
“No, I’m not fucking done!” I throw my hands out. I have nothing else to say, but I’m so angry at this turn of events that I can’t give up even this little bit of control. It’s all I have.
“Too bad. This shit ends now. Lennox, I’m not trying to be the bad guy here, but…” He sighs, turning fully to me. “We can’t watch you spiral anymore. It’s fucking painful to watch you close in on yourself and not let any of us help. I know we can’t understand what happened, and I’m not asking you to just forget and move on. I’m not that stupid; I know it’ll never just be forgotten, but fuck, let us help you.” The pain in his plea breaks my stubbornness.
I look down at my hands with shame coursing through my body.
“We miss you, Lenny. Shit, I even miss you putting fucking holes in my wall every week.” There’s no joking in his tone, just pure sadness, and it’s more than I can handle.
“But to force someone to live with me?” I say meekly.
“Desperate times. You tore your fucking quad because you tried to hike. I’m not faulting you for hiking—God knows you’re probably stir crazy as shit here—but you couldn’t even call one of us? Do you know what that says? That we can’t trust you. That I need to step in and make sure you are being taken care of because, Len, we can’t lose you.” His voice cracks, and I snap.
“You don’t control my life!” I yell too loudly. I wish like hell I could just leave. Lock myself forever in my room and waste away so I’m not this godforsaken burden on anyone anymore.
It’s not that I disagree with him or that he’s wrong. He’s right, and maybe that’s the worst thing about it. To be incapable of taking care of myself is a fate worse than the knife that cut me. It’s acknowledging that this is too big for me to handle, and I’m not sure I’m ready for that .
When I was lying there after I fell on the hike, all I could think was maybe I shouldn’t call anyone. Maybe I should just stay there and see what the fates decide. I obviously didn’t because I couldn’t do that to my family, but fuck was it tempting.
Working through things and opening up means pain. It means remembering things I don’t want to, things that only show up in my nightmares.
And I don’t think I’m strong enough to go through that.
Ledger looks at me like he’s scared of what’s running through my head, and frankly, I don’t blame him. It’s fucking scary in here. He may think this is best, but I don’t know how to give in, how to be okay with someone seeing how far gone I truly am.
A throat clears at the opening to the hallway Roxie is at, causing Ledger and me to turn toward her. She looks determined, and in that split second, I know that if anyone can help me, if anyone can pull me from this spiral of hell I can’t seem to get out of, it’s this woman. The panic I feel thinking of her and Ivy leaving and not helping me tells me that no matter how scary this is, and how strong my instinct is to fight it tooth and nail, it’s something I desperately need.
I need to try, if not for me, then for my family.
It doesn’t mean any aspect of this will be easy, but it does mean I need to start figuring my shit out.