10. Chapter 10
Chapter 10
Lennox
Roxie and Ivy left almost immediately after we finished up my physical therapy. I haven’t moved an inch since.
My entire leg is on fire, and moving feels impossible right now. I know I told Roxie I wouldn’t take any meds, but I’m seriously questioning that decision at the moment. My fear is taking it too far. I’ve never been good at moderation, and I’d rather suffer through the pain than tempt fate with possible addiction. But fuuuuck, it hurts so bad.
My phone pings next to me, and I know I’ll only be able to avoid my siblings for so long before they storm the castle.
Ledger:
How are things going, Lenny?
Me:
Fine.
Willow
Need a sandwich? Or conversation? Or a beer?
Rina:
Or a swift kick in the ass?
I do chuckle at that. Leave it to Rina to keep some sense of normalcy within our group, no matter what’s going on. It’s in her sarcastic nature, and I love her for it.
Me:
Hmm, let me think on that. Nah, I’m good. Thanks, though.
Ledger:
Okay, smartasses. How are things really going, Len?
I have two choices: continue to lie, acting like everything is fine, or suck it up and talk about the hard things. If I truly want to work on myself, being able to talk to my siblings seems like the easiest start. I know they’ve been waiting for me to open up, even if it’s just a crack. The fear of judgment permeates my mind, though.
Me:
Things are … hard. I haven’t really even started PT, but what we did this morning almost killed me. It feels discouraging. I may have gotten scolded too.
Rina:
Roxie scolded you? I love her already.
Willow:
Why did she scold you? Were you being a jerk?
The girls’ replies come in simultaneously. There are no hard feelings on my end that they’re Team Roxie at the moment. It’s not like I’ve given them any reason to back me of late. Not that they wouldn’t back me, but they are trying to get under my skin.
Me:
Because I haven’t been taking Tylenol or icing my knee.
Ledger:
Why haven’t you been at least taking Tylenol? You had surgery literally days ago. There’s nothing wrong with some pain relief.
I sit and stare at his text for a long moment.
Logically, I know my reasons are valid, but I also know Tylenol is barely enough to the take the edge off. Am I being paranoid? Roxie seemed just as shocked as Ledger, but she did concede pretty quickly. She said to take medicine once in the morning, and maybe that’s a better approach than the shit I’ve been pulling. In some convoluted way, not taking anything meant I was still strong, still in a body that works for me instead of against me. But suffering through the pain seems to be finally getting to me.
Me:
They gave me so many pain meds in the hospital the first time, it freaked me out. I could barely remember you guys visiting half the time. So ever since then, I haven’ t taken anything.
Admitting I’ve been sabotaging my healing is both cathartic and shameful. It’s more truthful than anything I’ve told them in months, and it feels cleansing. They deserve to know where my head is at after sticking with me through all the shit I’ve put them through lately.
Willow:
I’m sorry, Len…
Rina:
I didn’t think about that. I’m sorry.
Ledger:
Can I drop off some ice packs? I won’t push the meds, but I doubt you have any ice packs.
Me:
You would be right.
I sigh, glad they’re not hounding me about the meds. I’m more than thankful we all have a strong relationship in this moment. Their support has been the only thing that’s kept me here.
The thought strikes through my heart. It’s scary admitting how close I’ve been to throwing everything away. Feeling like your family and the world are better off without you is terrifying. I’ve never once in my life, even after my parents died in a car accident, felt like life wasn’t worth living. But what Tennison said to me, mixed with the scars and the inability to be out in nature while I healed almost broke me. Hell, it still might.
Ledger:
I’ll be by around lunch, and I’ll bring food.
Tossing my phone to the side, I realize talking to them about how I’m feeling wasn’t nearly as bad as I worked it up being in my head. I’ve spent months hiding, internalizing, and now it all feels so foolish. I’ve got a couple of hours to do some thinking until Ledger shows up. And who knows what time Roxie will be back, but I owe her an apology for my asshole behavior this morning.
Sighing, I sink into the couch. Baby steps.
Lunch was low key, thank God . I think Ledger realized opening up in our group text was enough emotion for me today. I did get updated on everyone’s life, though, so that was nice. I know I’ve missed a lot of things, no matter how much they try to include me. And that’s entirely my fault; I know that.
It doesn’t make it any easier to change.
I waited for as long as I could for Roxie to come back before my eyes started drooping. The ice packs Ledger brought over were a huge help, and the throbbing in my leg subsided as the emotion of the day hit me hard. It took its toll, and sleep took over .
Now, I’m awake. It’s dark out, but my stomach growling lets me know I’m starving. Looking at my phone, I see it’s 1am, which means I slept five hours. Not bad for me, honestly. I stand up gingerly, making sure I’m stable on my crutches before heading out to the hallway. I stop before I can take two steps.
The lights in the living room are low, but I can make out Roxie doing yoga on a mat on the floor. The tight leggings and sports bra she’s wearing cause my shorts to get tight in the crotch and my head to spin. Her hair is down, flowing around her shoulders as she shifts positions like a wall of silk.
It’s no secret she’s beautiful, but I feel like I’m seeing a side of her she doesn’t share with anyone. Gone is the hard-ass who scolds me. In its place is a woman trying to survive life. I see a little less tension through her body, but it’s still there. The way her body gracefully moves from one pose to the next is mesmerizing. I’m so caught up in watching her, I don’t realize she’s finished until she plops down on the mat, pulling a notebook and her tablet close.
I watch as she jots down notes while she watches something on her tablet.
“So, another week of healing with little movement. Then we’ll move on to sixty-degree bends and strengthen the muscles. Add weight bearing and start small walks,” she murmurs to herself. “See where we’re at after two weeks of that and do another baseline test to track progress.” She bites her nail, writing some more things down, and I realize she’s working on my treatment plan.
If watching her stretch out doing yoga was something to see, watching her work is something else entirely. She’s competent and hardworking. It makes me want to know everything about her. Learn why she and Ivy only have a few bags, why she was so eager to move in with an asshole like me.
But I can’t. She doesn’t owe me any sort of explanation, and I sure as hell haven’t earned one. None of that is in the cards for me. Instead, I’ll watch her like a creep, greedily taking in her small actions as she puts all her effort into helping me. I don’t deserve this much effort. I sure as hell didn’t earn any respect this morning, but seeing her work so hard on my treatment plan makes something click in my head.
She’s busting her ass while her daughter sleeps to make the best treatment plan she can for me. She should be sleeping or taking this time to do something for her, something she enjoys doing. Instead, because I’m a stubborn mule, she’s figuring out the best way to get me up and running again.
Why can’t I give her that same effort? Why can’t I swallow my pride and accept that she knows best and is only here to help me?
With one last look, I conclude tomorrow is the start of something new. The new Lennox who doesn’t wallow in self-pity. Who busts his ass to be the best he can be.
I’ve missed that goofy asshole, and maybe this is the first step to getting him back.