14. Chapter 14
Chapter 14
Lennox
She was crying.
My eyes track her as she walks back to the kitchen, actively avoiding eye contact with me, and pain shoots through my chest.
A heart attack? Anxiety? What the hell? Is this because of last night? No, she acted like everything was fine all day.
I want to know what happened to make her cry, but I know I’m not in a position to demand anything from her. The girls went to check on her, so I’m hoping that helped.
While she was in her room, Ledger took advantage of us being alone.
“How’s PT going?” he asked while he put groceries away.
“Good.” I held up my braced leg to emphasize my point. “Starting to put a little weight on it, so it’s progress.”
“Good, good. How are Roxie and Ivy doing?” It felt like he’s digging, probably curious about her past, just like I am, but I had no answers.
I’m not her keeper, and I wasn’t at all freaked out that something I said would somehow give away that we’d slept together last night.
“Good. Seem to be fitting in well.”
The stilted conversation continued until the girls walked back out, joining Ivy and the men in the living room. It might have been a little awkward, but it’s more than I’ve willingly talked about any injury of mine since I was dragged out of the cabin. I can tell Ledger didn’t miss that detail, but the last thing I want to do is bring attention to it.
I’m mostly distracted by the events of last night anyway. When I woke up with my arm around Roxie, I knew I was in trouble. She felt too damn good and tempting. Made me think about things that are impossible. We both know I’ve got nothing to give another person, especially someone as good as Roxie. Not to mention Ivy. I’m not a father figure, and I’d fail Ivy in some way. There’s no way I could do that to her.
Cooking is quick thanks to Ainsley making the spaghetti sauce earlier today, and before we know it, we’re all crammed around my dining room table. Although it’s big, I wasn’t prepared for nine people to be eating dinner here when I rashly decided to host family dinner this time. We’ve only ever squeezed in seven of us, and with the addition of Roxie and Ivy, it’s tight, but my crazy-ass family makes it work.
Did they strategically smoosh me between Ivy and Roxie? Absolutely yes. I have no doubt at least half of them have matchmaking plans along with bets. If I know my sister, Rina is heading everything up because she’s still pissed we bet on when she and Arlo would be getting together. Come to think of it, I’m not sure she even knows I was in on that.
“I’ll start,” Ledger chimes in.
Roxie quickly looks at me with confusion all over her face.
“My favorite part of the week is Lennox hosting family dinner.”
Guilt hits my gut hard. I’ve been putting in the bare minimum effort with my family for too long, and the fact that this is his favorite thing this week makes me very aware of how reclusive I’ve become. Depression is a weird thing. I know I have a good time with my family most of the time, yet these past few months, my brain had been telling me to dread any interaction. There’s more to it, I’m sure, but it’s hard to rectify .
“My favorite thing was watching Ivy beat Oakley and Arlo at Candy Land.” Ainsley smiles over at Ivy.
Her beaming grin next to me is infectious, and I feel the corner of my lips tilt up.
“I’m going with the fact that I got a fu—” Rina looks quickly at Ivy. “A freaking break this week. I only have one commission I’m working on, so I’ve had time to just do nothing.”
“Ditto,” Arlo grunts, and I almost bark out a laugh. Ledger rolls his eyes even as Arlo smirks, knowing his response annoys the patriarch of our family.
“My favorite thing this week was finally making the perfect vanilla latte.” Willow beams at Oakley. He looks at her, equally starstruck and in love. It makes me want to gag.
“It only took you a few months,” Oakley ribs her. “Mine was finally getting that heart latte artwork perfect. You know, with the foam?” He looks around with excitement on his face, and I roll my eyes. These two are ridiculous together. Oakley looks like the toughest guy in town, yet this is the shit that makes him happy.
I clear my throat. “Mine was getting to put some weight on my leg.” My voice is harsh and gravelly because I hate talking about this shit. I’ve spent months actively avoiding talking about my cuts, scars, and injuries, so to freely do so is making me anxious. It doesn’t matter how little I’m actually saying. This group knows what a big deal it is, and I’m hoping it doesn’t turn into a bigger conversation.
Roxie must pick up on how uncomfortable I am because she cuts in quickly. “Well, I’m grateful for the invite to family dinner. It’s been … so perfect. I don’t have words to thank you all for including us.”
A round of, “No thanks needed,” and, “You’re always welcome,” rain down on her, and my chest warms at how accepting my siblings are. My issues aside, they are the best people.
“My turn?” Ivy leans forward, looking to Roxie for reassurance. She nods to her daughter, and Ivy turns her full attention to the table. “My favowite part of the week is learning that this place isn’t tewible, like the last three we’ve been. This one has nice people, and school is fun, and I like getting special treats at Grind Time.” She smiles at Oakley, but we’re all sitting frozen.
Roxie stiffens next to me, and I see her mouth open and close a couple of times, trying to come up with a response to her daughter’s unfiltered words, I’m sure.
“So, spaghetti is your favorite food, Ivy?” I ask instead, trying to defuse the tension and pull attention away from Roxie. We have that in common, it seems—a huge chunk of our life is off-limits, and we’re good at saving each other from having to talk about it, I suppose.
This has her talking for a few minutes, and all the things she brought up seem forgotten. But I don’t forget. It makes me want to protect them both and make sure they stay happy here.
And if the late-night cuddle sessions continue, who am I to turn them down?
We’re all sitting in the living room, some pulling up dining room chairs, some sitting on the floor waiting for Roxie to come back from putting Ivy in bed.
To Roxie’s horror, Ivy declared that everyone must read her a story before she would sleep, so we dutifully took our turns. She proudly proclaimed I still did the best voices before calling her mom back in for her actual bedtime routine.
“Well, that little girl has successfully intertwined herself with us.” Oakley chuckles.
“She’s so fucking hilarious and blunt. It’s like she’s a mini version of me.” Rina smiles.
“Roxie seems to be fitting in well too,” Ainsley adds.
Ledger nods as his fingers draw circles on her arm.
“How are you doing with them living here?” Willow asks quietly.
“Good,” I croak and clear my throat. “Good. Ivy’s in school, and Roxie works a lot outside of just me, so it hasn’t been that big of a change.” I don’t think I successfully play it off, though, if everyone not-so-covertly looking at each other is any indication.
“It’s good to see you up and kind of walking around.” Rina smirks at me while Arlo chuckles at her smart-ass comment.
“I’m officially allowed to start putting weight on it, but not too much weight, and I can’t do it for very long.” I roll my eyes.
“Because then you’ll re-injure your leg and probably need surgery again.” Roxie joins us, giving me a hard look.
“Oh, damn. I think I love her,” Willow whispers not so quietly as she leans over to tell Rina.
Rina nods with hearts in her eyes, and I roll my eyes again. Apparently, Ivy and Roxie are more loved by my family than I am right now .
Roxie chuckles at the girls. “Can I get anyone anything while I’m up?”
“Nope. I think we’re getting ready to head out.” Ledger’s “dad” authority takes over, essentially telling everyone it’s time to leave.
The group stands up and moves to hug and say good night to Roxie as I stay seated. One by one, they stop by me, hugging me and whispering in my ear how much they love Roxie. You’d think they were playing matchmaker instead of talking about my physical therapist, but I know better.
That is until I see the content smile on Roxie’s face once everyone is gone. She looks so happy and relaxed that a pang of jealousy sits in my chest. I wonder if I’ll ever be truly happy again. If I’ll ever feel worthy of someone like Roxie in my life. If I’ll ever be able to go back to my job as a park ranger again.
Fuck.
Thinking about my job is something I have actively avoided. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to go back even after I’m healed up. The memories of being in that cabin with Tennison constantly bombard my thoughts when I imagine what going back to work looks like, so I have no idea how I could work in the park every single day.
Roxie collapses on the couch next to me with a sigh. “I think that was one of my favorite dinners ever.”
“It was only spaghetti.” I’m not sure why I feel the need to cut her words down and act like dinner wasn’t exactly what I needed as well, but it’s a knee-jerk reaction—the reclusive asshole back for more.
She turns toward me with a sad smile on her face, like she’s fully aware of what I’m doing.
“One day, you’ll be less angry at the world,” she says quietly. “Can I get you anything before I call it a night?” She changes the subject like she didn’t blow my world wide open with her words. Like sleeping with her last night didn’t change my entire DNA.
This woman has no clue what she does to me, and yet I’m not ready to be receptive to her words or kindness yet. I’m trying so damn hard, but then the voice in my head pops up and tells me how undeserving I am of anything good. And the kicker is, that fucking voice is right.
“Umm, I think I’m good. I’ll probably just watch TV for a little while before calling it a night.” I’m uncomfortable in my own skin right now at how easily Roxie sees past all the bullshit I show everyone.
She nods before standing up and heading down the hallway to her room. I watch the space long after she shuts the door. Her words echo in my head. Am I angry at the world? Or am I just angry at Tennison? I’ve always thought my anguish was directed at him alone, but her words are making me second-guess that.
I’ve pushed away countless doctors, therapists, and my family. Nothing has helped or changed the way my brain thinks. Oakley and Arlo come over occasionally for what they call a guys’ night, but even that hasn’t enticed me to open up. They’ve talked about their therapist and how much it’s helped them, but I’ve always shrugged it off. Hell, Arlo’s been texting me about how bad PT sucks since he’s going through it with his back currently, but I’ve been avoiding replying with any real substance. Maybe it’s time to look at where I want my life to go and focus on the big picture as well as getting my leg healthy.
Maybe it’s as simple as trying to stop my negative thoughts. Shifting my pessimism toward any situation to one of positivity. Get out of the thought process that everything sucks and there’s no way for me to crawl out of this black hole.
I don’t know how to make that happen, but Roxie makes me want to try.