23. Ryan
23
Ryan
The library is too quiet, but I can’t bring myself to go back to my room. Stella has her friends there, and I don’t want to intrude. But that’s not the main reason I am avoiding it.
I kissed her.
It’s on repeat in my head, a constant loop of that moment projected into my thoughts. The feel of her skin under my palms, the gentle huff of breath across my lips, the softness of her mouth against mine.
I don’t know if I’ll ever forget it.
Of course, I wanted more. There is no way I’ll ever have enough Stella. I want to run my hands over all of her soft flesh and listen to her breathing in my ear. I want to relish in the smell of her, the taste of her. But I broke the kiss off and went to class, and I haven’t spoken to her since.
What do I even say to her? That when I pressed my lips to hers, I felt like a part of me that had been dormant woke up?
I drag my fingers over my mouth, sighing. I hope that is not the first and last time I get to kiss her.
“Hey, Ryan, what’s up?” Clay says, shocking me out of my thoughts. He sits across from me, reclining in the chair casually, his arm propped up on the back. His grey t-shirt rides up and shows his stomach, covered in blue, black, and gold lines tattooed into a haphazard pattern across his flesh. He’s casual in a way I could never be, and sometimes, it makes me feel self-conscious.
While Clay is dressed like he just got back from the gym, I’m in slacks and a button-up. I rotate through four pairs of pants and six shirts, which helps me keep everything organized. All the shirts go with all the pants, so I do not have to think about what I wear. I can grab a shirt and put it on without stress. Of course, I have casual clothes, but that is a separate wardrobe that only gets utilized on weekends.
“I’m trying to get ahead of some coursework,” I reply, setting down my pencil. “Sometimes I have to read things a couple of times for it to sink in.”
“I feel that,” Clay replies, standing up to look at the book I’m reading. “Oh, Jessup’s class? He’s a cool dude. I bet if you asked for additional study materials, he’d have them.”
“Yeah, I will if I don’t do well on this test.” As Clay settles back in his seat, he chews on his lip and looks around nervously. “What’s going on, Clay?” I ask, closing the book. “Did you need to talk about something?”
“I’m a little on edge, is all,” he replies, leaning forward and propping his elbows on the table. He looks around to ensure we’re alone and whispers, “I screwed up, Ryan. I got caught reaping.”
I inhale sharply and wince. “That’s not good.”
“Not at all. I haven’t heard anything about it yet, and I got another soul with no problem, which is good, obviously, but Stella will have to be my alibi if they come knocking.” He runs his hands through his blonde hair, leaving it sticking up at odd angles. “Which is a story in and of itself.”
My stomach tightens nervously, and I cannot articulate why. All I know is I need to hear that story. “What happened?”
Clay blushes, his knee bouncing and knocking on the table every few seconds. “I was kinda struggling. Well, not kinda. I was completely losing my shit, Ryan. I was a complete mess, like ice cream in the sun, you know?”
I wrinkle my nose in confusion. “I guess?”
He continues like he didn’t hear me. “And I was in my head and falling further and further into the abyss that lives between my ears, and she grabbed me and kissed me, dude. She kissed me, and it completely shut my brain down.”
It takes a minute for my mind to run through what Clay says. His strange mannerisms and cadence make it difficult for me to process what he says quickly. But then it hits me like a slap on the face. “She kissed you?”
“Yeah, and I did not see that coming, you know?”
“Yeah…” My gut twists. She was talking about him. He was the friend she was talking about, and I misunderstood her and thought she was talking about me. I kissed her, and it wasn’t supposed to be me.
It was supposed to be him.
My shoulders slump, and my forehead hits the desk in front of me. How could I be so stupid? I’ve probably ruined our friendship. She must think I’m a moron.
But didn’t she kiss me back?
The thought marches a loop around my heart and pulls tightly. She did kiss me back. There could be something between us. She may have kissed Clay, but she responded when I kissed her, too.
Right?
Am I making this up? Is this all in my head?
I groan, and Clay pokes me above my eye. “What’s wrong, big guy?”
“I kissed Stella.”
Clay inhales sharply, then whistles. “Well, that’s something then.”
“Yeah.”
“When?”
“Three days ago.” I wince, preparing for his anger, refusal to be my friend and feelings of betrayal.
“Looks like we’ve gotten into a bit of a mess, huh? I bet Stella’s having a hell of a time talking about us at her girl’s night.”
“Oh my Gods, I didn’t even consider that.” I sit up straight and start packing up my things. “I gotta go talk to her. I … I need to tell her how I feel.”
“Well, hold on there,” Clay says with a firmness unlike him. “Is the assumption that you’re going to pursue Stella and I’m what, going to step back? Because I’m the nice, sweet, funny guy? That I’ll bounce backward and say, ‘Here you go, Ryan, take my girl!’?”
I stop packing and hold up my hands, showing Clay my palms. “Woah, that’s not at all what I meant, Clay. You know me better than that.” I run my hands through my hair, cringing at the tackiness of the gel I used to slick it back. “But I want her to know that if she wants me, I’m hers.”
“You don’t think I feel the same way?”
“I’m not surprised you do, Clay, and I don’t want to fight you, but I’m not going to give her up.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, my eye widens. I don’t know where this assertive attitude came from, but it’s not like me to be so straightforward.
Clay shakes his head slowly, crossing his arms over his slim chest. “Ryan, I don’t want to mess with our friendship. But a part of me feels like I was created to be with her. I’ve gotta explore that.”
We stare at each other, two friends with no idea where to go from here. The silence in the library is like a living entity rolling across my shoulders, making every breath I take sound like thunder.
What can we do in this situation? One of us is going to get hurt. We both have to tell Stella our truths and see how it turns out.
But the idea of putting her in that sort of situation makes my stomach hurt. If we try to make her choose one of us, what if she chooses neither?
“Woah, the vibes are really weird here,” a familiar voice says. I look up, and Tree is leaning against a bookshelf, watching me and Clay. “What are you two talking about?”
“It’s noth-”
“We’re both into Stella,” Clay cuts me off. “We’re trying to figure out how to respect our friendship while both of us let her know we want to be with her. And hopefully, not tank a friendship with her and the other if we don’t get chosen.”
“That true?” Tree asks, coming to sit down.
I nod. “Yeah, that about sums it up.”
“Cool. Well, you two are being morons.” He leans back in his chair and crosses his arms over his chest, his white shirt scrunching up.
A vampire in white. I feel like that is just asking for stains that you can’t get out.
I narrow my eye at the interloper and sit a little straighter. “You don’t know anything about the situation.”
“I know enough,” he says with a wave. “Why do you think she has to choose?”
I’m not sure what stutters more – my mouth or my brain. “We can’t both be with her!”
“Why not? I’m with Sia, Rolf, and Edgar.” He shrugs with nonchalance. “I have more than enough love to go around. You don’t think Stella does, too?”
“You’re with all of them?” Clay asks, leaning forward. “Not all of you with Sia, but you’re with Edgar and Rolf too?”
Tree raises an eyebrow at Clay curiously. “Got a problem with a little male-on-male action, Clay?”
A bark of a laugh escapes the Reaper. “Nah, it isn’t my thing, but have at it. I’m simply thinking about the logistics. Like, are you with them all?”
“Yeah, I’m with all three of them romantically and sexually. Sometimes together, sometimes one on one. Every relationship within our coven is different, and they all fulfill different needs.”
“We couldn’t do something like that,” I insist emphatically. “We’re not vampires.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize a family was limited to vampires. My mistake.” The vampire glares at me, pointing a finger in my chest. “Families look different to everyone, and this is what mine looks like. Maybe yours could, too. All I know is that I could not picture my life without any of my partners. I would have walked away if I had been asked to choose when the coven was first forming.”
The Reaper looks at me curiously. “It’s not a terrible idea.”
My jaw practically unhinges. “You’re seriously thinking about this?”
“Look, if we ask Stella to choose, maybe she does, but maybe she refuses. I figure if we tell her she doesn’t have to, it’s more likely that I will get to be with Stella. I’ll take shared time over no time, Ryan. I’m not willing to be without her.” He pulls his hands through his hair again, making it increasingly messier. “I’ve never really had a family,” he whispers. “It sounds kind of nice, you know?”
I look into his clear blue eyes and see the honesty brimming within them. “You’re serious?”
“What’s the harm in trying?
Scrubbing my hand down my face, I groan. “I guess we could give her the option. She may not take it.”
“Oh, believe me, buddy,” Tree says, standing up and clapping me on the back. “If she’s given the option of both of you, she’s taking it. Look at you two. She’d be a fool not to.” He winks and drifts out of the library like he only came to have this conversation with us.
“Lucky for us that he stopped by and stopped us from potentially imploding the friendship, huh?” Clay says with a laugh.
I look around, unable to shake off the sudden, overwhelming feeling we’re being watched. “Yeah, lucky us, I guess.”