Chapter 7 - Riley
My phone alarm started to beep, ripping me from my sleep. I opened my eyes, taking in the ceiling. I scowled, feeling like I had just fallen asleep a few moments ago. I had tossed and turned so much that I didn't remember when I actually fell asleep, but I knew it was early in the morning when I did.
I kept thinking about last night over and over in my head. I was dancing and enjoying myself for the first time in a long time. I couldn't remember the last time I had put earbuds in and danced without a care in the world. I didn't think about anything but enjoy the music and letting my body move to it.
April had left them behind, and I figured I might as well do a little cleaning while I had the chance. So, I popped them in and started cleaning. I was in the living room for a while before I made it to the bedroom. I had made the bed and was working on figuring out clothes when the hair on my body stood up.
I turned around and felt my entire body tense up, seeing someone standing in the doorway. Once I realized it was Cayden, I felt my body grow hot with need. And the look in his eyes—it was the same look that he held when I had the dress on in the changing room. I wanted to say it was need, but Cayden didn't like me that way, so I must have seen it wrong.
But all night, I kept seeing his expression over and over in my head. And the only word I could use that was correct was hunger. It was like Cayden wanted to eat me alive. I was the way his jaw hung open, and his eyes stared at me, scanning every inch of me.
I sat up and rubbed my eyes. "Riley, your going to fucking go crazy. Leave it alone."
But how could I? Cayden saw me practically naked.
Brad had never looked at me the way that Cayden had. Brad looked at me with a quick glance, and that was it, but Cayden scanned me. He took every part of me in, and I could see the way his eyes sharpened when he did it.
I was practically naked last night when he saw me. I had started a load of laundry and figured I might as well clean the dress I was wearing while I was at it. I wasn't leaving the house, and I was going to head to bed as soon as I threw them into the dryer. I hadn't expected company, much less for Cayden, to walk in.
I took a deep breath in and exhaled loudly. "Riley, let it go. He doesn't like you like that. He made it perfectly clear."
If he had wanted me, he would have tried years ago. Which means he didn't.
I thought back to the first time I felt that tug to be with Cayden. We were sitting together in the living room playing scrabble. April had put down the word Bubble and won the game. She got up, cheering, when I felt a tug towards the doorway. Cayden had just entered the living room, and his eyes snapped to me.
I'd seen Cayden from a distance and heard about him from April all the time, but I'd not seen him. I remember the wind being knocked out of me as he stopped by the couch. His eyes stopped on me, and I could see he felt the same tug I had.
Then April started talking, and he acted like nothing had happened. I was suddenly like everyone else.
Cayden and I spent a lot of time running into each other. But he never stepped across the line. He was respectful, but that was it. He didn't even go near the line, let alone let me think he liked me that way.
I felt he would have if he were ever going to tell me. We had time alone together. He'd pick me up for sleepovers and drop me off after them. If Cayden really wanted me, it would have happened by now. Which meant he didn't.
I pulled myself up and sighed. My mind wasn't going to calm so I needed to go for a run to clear my head. If I didn't, I wasn't going to get past this.
I stripped down and dug around to find a pair of pants. As I moved, I caught a glance at myself. I stared, taking in my thighs and my stomach. I was a larger girl with curves; that was how I saw myself.
I could suddenly hear Brad, and a shiver ran down my body.
Put Some clothes on. No one needs to see you like that.
I grabbed my pants, yanking them on quickly, tightening the string too tightly. I pulled on sneakers, feeling my blood growing hot with embarrassment.
Why would Cayden want me? The look in his eyes couldn't have been shock of want but shock of horror. Brad was right. No one would want me when I looked like this.
I headed for the front door, popped the headphones into my ears, and clicked on the music. I shut the door, locked it, and hurried down the steps to the sidewalk.
As loud as the music was, I could still hear Brad.
"You need to start focusing on your image. Don't you think about how we look together? It's important. People will see us together and think a certain way."
I shook my head, trying to push him away. The entire point of this trip was to get away from him, yet here he was inside my head. Would he always be there?
You need to lose weight.
You need to eat healthier.
You need to stop eating.
You need to start working out.
You need to do a diet.
Over and over and over, it went.
You need to do this. You need to do that.
No matter what I did, it was never enough.
When I first met Brad, everything seemed perfect. We went out for dinner, and after eating, we shared dessert. Brad didn't care about my weight—he never commented on it. Then, when we moved in together, suddenly, the comments started.
Let's skip dessert. You want to fit into that dress tomorrow, don't you? How about you cut back on the snacks? We have that photo shoot for my job.
The comments were simple at first, and I honestly thought he cared. He wanted what was best for me, but even if I lost a pound, he expected it to be ten. Suddenly, nothing I did was enough. He always wanted more.
The tears built up, and I jogged quickly down the road. I hated how much I listened. I hated how I just took it and thought he wanted what was best for me.
Buy the dress in a size too small. It will give you a reason to work harder. Put on some makeup. Maybe people will focus on your face rather than your weight. Don't eat that piece of pie. Grab some carrots.
I was running now, trying to run from the pain. I didn't even know where I was going, but I couldn't stop. I didn't want to.
I remembered all the diets I tried and all the meals I skipped. I counted calories and chugged water all the time. I worked out and picked my meals accordingly, but I was still big. I was never small enough for him. I never would be.
My foot hit the ground at the wrong angle, and my body gave out. I slammed hard into the ground at the edge of a bridge and went down.
I cried out, trying to catch myself, but I was a second too late. I felt the gravel bit into my hands and my knees. My foot pulsed in pain, and I cried.
I cried for letting myself fall so far. I cried for the years I put into a person that didn't care about me. I cried for everything I tried so hard to be that I knew I would never get.
I wasn't aware of how long I cried or how long it took me to pull myself back up. The music was still playing in my ear when I pulled myself up and looked over the bridge. I stared at the town, taking it in with the sun peeking over the horizon.
A new day.
I remembered April's favorite advice. Tomorrow is a new day, which means another day to be better.
Anytime we had a rough situation, she would always say: Maybe tomorrow will have something better to offer you than what today did.
I wiped my eyes and leaned onto the bridge. I took a deep breath in and closed my eyes.
I was done with Brad. I had given him so much of my time already. He wasn't worth it, and he had proven that to me over and over again. I needed to do what was right for me, and that was moving on.
I opened my eyes, turned around, and started running back to the house. I felt a little lighter as I moved, as if I had left a heavy part of me on the bridge.
I returned to the house and went straight for the shower. I didn't exactly have plans for the day, but I knew I should stop at Cayden's place and thank him for bringing me dinner. Since April wasn't there, he had told me when he’d be around, so I wasn’t alone, and it was comforting to know.
I headed over to Cayden's place and up to his apartment. Once at his door, I knocked and waited a moment.
"Door's unlocked," Cayden yelled.
I opened the door and stepped inside. I always found Cayden's apartment comfortable. While Cayden didn't decorate the space with many things, I felt safe as soon as I entered.
I found Cayden pulling on his shoes, and he stood up, taking me in. I suddenly felt hot, my mind traveling back to last night and how his gaze raked over me.
He, however, looked unfazed by anything. "Hey, what brings you here?"
I quickly shook my head. "I came to thank you for dinner last night. You didn't have to do that."
He shrugged. "I figured I should stop by and see how you were doing since April left."
"She will be back in a couple of days."
He nodded, pulling himself up, but my eyes caught onto some bright red and green fabric sitting on the chair right behind him.
"What is that?" I asked, pointing.
Cayden looked down and scowled. "That would be my elf outfit for the Christmas festival."
I couldn't help the smirk that pulled at my lips. "I'm sorry, did you say elf outfit? Did I hear that correctly?"
He nodded. "You did."
I smirked suddenly, trying to imagine him in an elf outfit. "Does this include ears and pointy shoes?"
He crossed his arms. "If that was all you needed, I was on my way to work."
"Oh, come on! This is pretty funny." I felt a chuckle build up. "God, please tell me there are some ears and pointy shoes."
I watched as Cayden worked his jaw, clearly unamused, but I couldn't help it. I started to laugh, and I laughed hard. I couldn't remember the last time I'd laughed so hard.
"Well, now that you got that out, I need to get to work." Even as Cayden said the words, I could see a hint of humor in his tone.
"When is the festival?" I asked.
"Tomorrow," he said, touching my shoulder and turning me. "And if you stop laughing, I'll tell you where."
I laughed even harder.