Chapter 33 Jesse
THIRTY-THREE
JESSE
I’m not asleep when Blake kicks my door open. I’m not sure I’ve gotten any real sleep in days. The sound of the door hitting the wall makes me jolt upright, heart in my throat.
“What–” My voice is raw, like I’ve been screaming even though I haven’t. I’ve wanted to, but there’s no point.
Blake stands there with his phone in his hand. His eyes are sharp, worried. “The extra security finally got to Cane Ridge this afternoon,” he says, no preamble. “But it was too late.”
Ice slides down my spine. “What does that mean?!”
“Everyone’s okay,” he says, holding his hands up. “But Luc’s youngest sister–”
“Talia,” I fill in for him.
He nods. “A photographer harassed her on the way to school this morning. She was riding her bike and swerved off the road.” His voice softens.
“She’s thankfully okay. Quite a few scrapes and bruises, and she’s shaken up, but there weren’t any broken bones or anything like that.
Luc is on his way to the hospital, where she’s been moved to a private room until security can set the family up somewhere more secure. ”
I sit there, blinking, as if the words don’t want to compute.
“Why didn’t Luc call me?”
Blake frowns. “You haven’t been answering your phone.”
I look at my phone lying next to me in bed and remember.
It’s been dead since last night. Luc and I both fell asleep with each other on video again, and I haven’t had the motivation to get up and find my charger.
I haven’t had the motivation to do more than lay here and daydream about being back at Luc’s family home in Louisiana.
“Jesse?” Blake’s voice is a mix of sympathy and concern. “Are you okay? Do we need to call–”
“No,” I say. “I’ll be fine. But this–what happened to Talia–isn’t okay. I can’t let anything happen to Luc or his family.”
“We’re going to protect them the best we can,” Cory interjects from behind Blake.
“We’re pursuing charges against the photographer who ran her off the road, as well as threatened legal action against anyone who continues to harass the Martín family.
I suggested Luc stay clear of the area, but he understandably wants to be with his family right now. ”
The daydreams I’ve been using to comfort myself fade away like mist. I can no longer picture a future where Luc and I can be together without causing him and his family pain.
“We’re supposed to be on a plane to Miami this afternoon. We’ve got staging and rehearsals to get through. We’re beefing up security for the whole band and working with the venue to approve stadium security as well.”
I don’t hear any of it.
Blake reads something in my face. He tentatively sits on the edge of the bed near my feet. “Jesse…”
I can’t look at him. I stare at my hands, at the faint tremor there. “His little sister is in the hospital because of me.”
“She’s okay.”
“Because of me,” I repeat. “This isn’t just about Luc anymore. It’s his whole family. He doesn’t deserve this.”
Silence stretches. Blake exhales, heavy, but he doesn’t contradict me. If they say anything else to me, I don’t hear it.
“Cory, can you take me to the airport?”
Cory pauses a moment, and I know he wants to argue, but he takes a deep breath and nods. “Of course.”
“We’ll charter a jet,” Blake says, raising his phone to his ear while he helps me pack a bag.
Minutes later, I’m plugging my phone into a car charger. As soon as it boots up, dozens of notifications buzz and ping simultaneously. The little light at the corner of my phone blinks an angry red.
Twenty-three missed calls and texts from Luc.
Not only am I responsible for his sister being terrorized and injured, but I wasn’t here for him when he needed me.
My chest clenches so hard it hurts. I’m in danger of dry heaving, because Lord knows there’s nothing in my stomach.
I never thought I’d regret this life. There have been moments that I regretted, sure. Days, weeks, or even months that I have regrets about. Never did I think I’d regret being who I am.
And never once did I ever consider that I’d regret falling in love with Luc Martín. Or rather, that he ever fell in love with me.
I’ll always love him, but that’s not enough. Not if it’s putting a target on the people he loves. I’m terrified that the only right thing to do is to walk away. The only way I can protect him is to push him away from the fire.
I just don’t know that I’m strong enough.
I try three times to call Luc, but there’s no answer. Oh, God, he probably hates me. I thumb out a single text:
ME: I’m on my way, baby. I’m so sorry.
The apologies are getting tiresome, even for me. How long could our relationship reasonably last when all he gets from me are apologies? There’s nothing worth this drama, and his and his family’s safety.
I need to do the right thing. Once I check on his sister and apologize to his family, I’ll find the strength.
I press the heels of my palms to my eyes and try to believe that hurting him now is better than destroying him later. I’ll do anything to keep him safe, even if it means cutting out both our hearts.
Because Luc is better off without me. He has to see that.
It takes longer to sneak me into the hospital than it did to get here. But finally, I’m bursting through the doors of the private room Blake set them up with. My eyes lock on Luc immediately, and the pain I see there nearly brings me to my knees.
Tears well up in my eyes before I can even speak, but I will them back and look at Luc’s family.
Both of his sisters are in the hospital bed, watching something on a tablet.
Talia looks okay, but the knowledge of just how much worse the accident could have been makes me sick.
Mr. Martín and Shawna are sitting with Luc on either side of the hospital bed.
Luc stands and runs over to me. His arms wrap around mine and I’m not sure who is comforting who. He leads me out into the hallway.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper hoarsely, repeating it over and over again. “This is all my fault.”
“It’s not–”
“–It is!” I practically shout. “This would have never happened if we weren’t together, and you know it. This is far worse than the kind of publicity you’ve avoided all these years, Luc. This is insanity, and I should have protected you better.”
“Jesse, I was the one who said I didn’t want to hide anymore.”
“That was before you got a taste of just how fucked up this life could get. I think…” A knot threatens to close my throat before I can get the words out. My head bows. “I think you would have been better off if I’d never learned your name.”
“Jesse–”
“I’m serious, Luc. I’ve brought nothing but chaos into your life since this whole thing started.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it.”
My head snaps up, and I lock eyes with sad, blue eyes that have turned stormy with exhaustion and worry. The dark circles under his eyes and his hair, messy from running his hands through it, don’t take away from how heartbreakingly gorgeous he is.
“You never wanted this.”
“That doesn’t mean what we have isn’t worth it. I love you.” He says it like it’s so simple, like how much we love each other washes everything else away.
“Enough to watch your family get caught in the crossfire? Talia could have been killed, Luc. They don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve this.”
Luc’s mouth opens to argue, but no words come out.
He knows I’m right. I take a step back from him and head back into the room, where I spend a little while talking with the girls.
When Luc doesn’t follow me back into the room, Shawna leaves to check on him.
Luc’s father watches me quietly, concern etched in the lines of his stoic face.
After apologizing a few more times, and promising the girls I’ll arrange something better than hospital food for their breakfast, I say goodnight and get up to leave. Just as I reach the door, Mr. Martín grabs my arm to stop me.
He clears his throat. “This wasn’t your fault, son.”
My heart clenches at his use of son, and tears threaten again.”It wouldn’t have happened if not for–”
“Shit’s gonna happen. Sometimes it’ll be your shit. Sometimes it’ll be his shit. What matters is how you handle it.”
“I’m handling it, sir. I promise. I’ll make this right.”
I’m handling it the only way I know how.
By walking away from the one thing that I want more than anything else in this world.
To protect him. To protect his family. And maybe a little to protect myself, because I don’t think I could manage a future where Luc grows to resent me because of the chaos loving me will continue to bring him.
Cory leads me down a darkened hallway back towards the maintenance entrance we snuck through earlier.
It’s quiet enough that I can hear footsteps echoing down the hallway before I can see who they belong to.
Luc calls out, trying to keep his voice low, running to catch up to me.
He doesn’t slow until he’s right in front of me.
“What happened today sucks,” he says. “I’ve never been so terrified in my life. And yes, I realize it could have been much worse. But it wasn’t. Talia is okay.” Emotion chokes his words, betraying his fears for the future. “Don’t let this break us, Jesse.”
He steps closer, cupping my jaw in his big hand, his thumb rubbing over my lip ring. “I’m scared,” he admits. “And I know you are too. But we’ll get through this–together.”
His lips press against mine, tenderly at first, but the kiss grows deeper and more desperate the longer it goes on. It takes a strength I didn’t know I possessed to pull away from him.
“I love you,” I whisper, my forehead pressed to his.
“Everything will be okay.” He nods, but I can tell from the stiffness of his posture that he knows there’s more to it.
“We need to take a step back,” I say, fighting to keep my voice level.
“Until things die down, we need to be more careful. At least until after the Super Bowl.”
A tear falls and splashes against my shirt. I’m not even sure which one of us it came from.
“We can figure the rest out later. But for now–for the sake of your family, and your teammates, it’s better if we play it safe. We can still come out after, if it’s what you still want.”
“Don’t do this, Jesse.”
“For once in my life, I’m not making a hairbrained, half thought out decision.
This is the smart thing to do, and you know it.
We need to play it safe–no sneaking around, no sending each other sexy videos.
Nothing they can use to make this worse for your family.
And it’ll give you time to think about whether this life is something you really want. ”
“I don’t need space.” He steps forward, and I take two steps back.
“Play it safe, Luc. For now. We’ll reassess after the game.” Maybe if I repeat those words enough, he’ll understand that I’m trying to do the right thing for him. He can’t deny that I’m right, not after what happened to his sister.
At least, that’s what I tell myself when I turn away and follow Cory out of the hospital. This time, Luc doesn’t try to follow.
The stadium is half-finished chaos. Lighting rigs swinging, pyrotechnics going off randomly, stage crew shouting over each other. It’s sticky and hot under the lights, even in February. I’m barely aware of any of it.
We’ve just run the full halftime set from start to finish.
I hit every mark, every note. My muscle memory doing what my heart doesn’t want to.
I’m determined to see this show through the end.
I’ve brought enough pain and embarrassment to Luc’s life, the least I can do is be a professional now.
I’d back out of the show entirely if it wouldn’t make things worse for everyone involved.
Naz drops down beside me, dangling his legs over the edge of the stage. Like me, he’s soaked in sweat, but unlike me he looks…alive. There’s a glow beneath his skin I used to have.
“You gonna make it through this?” he asks quietly, without his usual cutting sarcasm.
I wipe a towel across my face and let it hang around my neck. “I have to.”
Naz studies me, not convinced. “Jess–”
“Save it, Naz. I just need to get through the next few days, and then…”
“And then what? You ride off into the sunset like the paps will never find you again? What if something else happens? Are you just going to keep pushing him away until he breaks?”
There’s been no sign of the press losing interest in our story. In fact, it’s gotten worse. To the point where Luc got into some trouble with the paparazzi that was surrounding his family’s home.
“I’ll do whatever I have to to keep him safe,” I say, my voice dead and emotionless. I rub my hands over my arms, as if I could wipe away the humid air that feels like a billion tiny needles against my overstimulated senses.
“Are you okay? I mean, obviously you’re not okay, but are you hanging in there?”
I know what he means. Blake has checked in with me so many times that my response feels robotic. “I haven’t been drinking or using, if that’s what you’re asking.” I don’t want to admit that the need to numb myself is stronger than ever.
“Look, I’m just going to say it. I think you’re making a mistake.”
“Being with me only continues to hurt him.” Nevermind that I’ve been wavering between my resolve to give him the opportunity to realize he’s better off without me and wanting to go crawling back and begging him to never stop loving me.
“Not being together is hurting you both. You’re a fucking idiot if you can’t see that.”
It wouldn’t matter even if I did break my resolve. Luc hasn’t tried calling me. He’s probably pissed at me for walking away. Or the press coverage is making him think twice.
Good.
I’m not sure how well I’m going to handle being in the same place as him. It’s already hard enough not to call him every night just to hear his voice. To take back everything I said because I’m not strong enough to live without him. But I have to be strong enough for him. For his family.
It’s for the best, I keep reminding myself. I’m keeping him safe.
The possibility of him realizing he’s better off without me makes me feel like I’m drowning.
We’re called back to our places to run through the show one more time. I push to my feet, shoulders heavy but squared. If nothing else, I can do this. I can give the world a show and keep the man I love out of its crosshairs, even if it costs me.