Chapter 39
“He’s fucking spiraling!”
I open my eyes just long enough to see that it’s still dark out. I don’t know whether I was asleep for an hour and twenty-four. Time loses meaning when you’re in the throes of hell. When the very thing that makes your heart beat has been ripped away from you, a gaping hole left in its place.
“Then expand the fucking search!” Jax snaps. His voice is rough, like he’s trying to contain his anger. “Yeah, okay.” A pause. “Okay, thanks, Chris.”
Jax and the sheriff have been on a first name basis the last couple weeks, touching base on the search multiple times a day. But I still haven’t been able to bring myself to talk to the guy again. Just the sound of his voice settles on me like a lead weight, reminding me of the fact that they still have no clue where Riley is.
That everyday we don”t find her, I’m failing her.
The door to my bedroom opens, and Jax pokes his head inside. The smell of coffee hits my nose, and it’s enough to make me sit up in bed.
I feel like death. When I do manage to sleep, it’s out of pure exhaustion, but I still find myself tossing and turning, waking constantly as dreams of Riley haunt me.
Scratching at my jaw, the growth of my beard is rough beneath my hands. I need to shave. Maybe today I’ll actually find the will to do it.
Jax approaches the bed, handing the cup of coffee to me.
I throw my legs over the side, grabbing the mug and bringing it to my lips. It’s strong as fuck, and I clear my throat after it goes down.
“What time is it?” I ask, my voice rough.
“6:30.”
“You and the sheriff are starting the day early,” I muse.
Jax sits down next to me, letting out a long sigh before saying, “They’re calling off the search.”
My heart stops, and I set the mug down on my nightstand before I throw it.
When I don’t say anything, Jax continues, “It’s been three weeks now. They’re keeping the case open, but the search parties have all been called off. They’ve combed damn near every acre in a twenty-mile radius around her home, and they’ve found nothing. No trace of her.” He claps a hand against my back. “They can’t search the entire country by foot. We knew this. It was only a matter of time before they called it off.”
I say nothing, rising from the bed and walking into the bathroom. I turn the shower on, making the water hot enough that steam starts filling the room.
Stripping out of my clothes, I walk into the shower, the scalding water burning my skin.
I’ve dreaded this day since they first organized the search. The day that they officially give up on trying to find her. Sure, they’ll keep the investigation open, but no one will be out there actually looking.
It leaves something rancid and hot inside me, twisting through me and infecting my very being.
I brace my hands against the shower wall, my head dropping between my shoulders as water runs down my back. “Don’t fucking leave me,” I whisper, my voice tight. “Don’t you dare fucking leave me, Riley. I’ll never forgive you.”
I slam a fist into the tiled wall.
The pain in my chest is unbearable as I sink down to the shower floor. Water pours over me, burning my skin, but paling to the burning in my chest.
I don’t get up. For the longest time, I don’t even move. Not until Jax starts pounding on the door, poking his head in to make sure I’m still alive.
I’m not sure that I am.