24. Lola
24
LOLA
I ’m so angry I'm shaking as I pull into my drive, not even pulling into the garage. I climb out of my car and walk into the back of my house.
I should be surprised to see Penelope and Linc right outside of my property line on the beach, sitting together in the sand and looking out at the ocean.
Penelope must hear me approach because she turns. “Lola. Thank fuck. What is going on?”
She stands and so does Linc, both coming closer to me. I feel numb as I look at my best friend and see the worry on her face.
Linc looks worried as he looks me over, and I tuck my hand behind my back. I can’t believe I hit him. I’ve never hit anyone in my life. “Lols, what’s up? We’ve been worried.”
“We were about to send a fucking search party after you. You looked crazed when you left.” Penelope takes my non-swollen hand in hers. “What’s going on?”
“He’s your brother,” I blurt out without even thinking in my still numb state.
“What?” Her eyes search mine. “I don’t have a fucking brother.”
My entire body feels heavy, but especially my head as it droops, my eyes taking in the sand below my feet. “You do. Hayden.”
“Your client?” I hear Linc’s booming voice, but I don’t lift my eyes.
“What the hell are you talking about, Lola? I don’t have a fucking brother.”
My eyes lift to meet hers, which is a daunting task. “You do. He admitted it tonight.”
“He’s a fucking liar. Do you really think I wouldn’t have told you if I had a brother?”
Linc wraps a protective arm around her shoulder. “It’s okay, P. Calm down.”
“No.” She turns to me. “He’s a liar. There’s no way. Why do you even think that?”
“He’s from Kansas City.”
She scoffs. “A lot of people are from Kansas City, and a lot of them move here. We did.”
“He had a rough childhood.”
She laughs angrily, folding her arms. “Oh, well. You didn’t mention that. He comes from a shit childhood? Then we must be related.”
“P...” Linc’s tone is careful but still a plea to calm down.
Her eyes meet mine. “I’m an only child. And thank god, because my mother was awful. You really think I wouldn’t know if I had a sibling?”
“Your nose. The bump.” I nod my head toward her face. “He has it. And the little golden flakes in your eyes. He has them too.”
“Big deal.”
My eyes move to Linc’s, and I see him processing the information. “It is a big deal. He told me you’re his sister. He admitted it tonight.”
“And you just automatically believe him?”
“I . . .” I don’t know what to believe.
She’s angry, and I can’t blame her. Penelope grew up in hell. Her mother was terrible and treated her so awfully that Penelope never had a good experience with her actual blood-related family.
“I’m going home. I’m glad you’re okay, but he is not my brother.”
Linc looks sympathetically at me as she takes off toward their house, and I nod at him to follow her, which he does.
I go back to my patio and take a seat, staring at the ocean, seriously feeling pain in my hand now.
When I hit him, he looked hurt but not physically, and I feel sick.
“You’re home.”
I turn when I see Asher come out of the door that I didn’t even hear open. He takes a seat next to me, and I barely move. “I am.”
“Good. They were all losing their fucking minds.”
“I didn’t mean to scare anyone.”
He laughs. “I wasn’t scared. Maybe scared for whoever you were going after.”
A smile tugs at my lips. “You still hate me?”
I lay my head on his shoulder, and he doesn’t push me away. “I can’t believe you talked her into leaving, but I'm glad Baz has a safe place to live.”
“You really think you guys had a healthy arrangement?”
“It was ours to figure out, Lola. At least I had Baz there with me.”
I know how much he loves Baz. And I know it ripped his heart out when Viv moved. “I’m sorry.”
“No, you’re not.” I turn to look at his face, and he isn’t joking. But he isn’t all that angry either. “You want to fix everything, Lola. You always have. You’ve put your own life on hold, trying to fix all of us, and it isn’t your place.”
I swallow, my throat feeling dry. “I wasn’t there when I should have been.”
“You mean when you were a teenager? And when you were in college? It wasn’t your place to fix us then either.”
“You guys are my life.”
He shakes his head and wraps an arm around me, pulling me close. “We’re siblings. Always. You’ll always be my big sister, but that doesn’t mean that you can control our outcomes. Or that you can save us from pain.”
“That’s all you and Viv were causing each other.”
“Right before she left, yeah. But it was our pain to experience. Can’t be afraid of a little agony.”
My eyebrow lifts. “Shouldn’t you be terrified of that? Avoid pain at all costs. I mean, we’ve had so much of it already.”
“Pain is inevitable. And I’ve felt plenty of it, but nothing like the day I hugged Baz goodbye and watched him leave.”
“I’m so sorry.” It’s a strangled whisper. And I am. “For the record, I still hope you’ll move here someday. Soon.”
He laughs like that’s ridiculous. “So you can continue to manage every situation? No thanks.”
“You make me sound like a monster.”
“You’re a control freak, Lola, but it’s not malicious. You just care way too damn much.”
“I don’t want to see you in pain. I should have been there after...” I still can’t say his name, and I fight the cry that bubbles up in my throat. I want to scream. I should be able to say his name. “I should have been there. I knew Mom wasn’t dealing. I knew you were having to step up, and I wasn’t there.”
“You were as much as you could be. That’s not on you.”
“I’m the oldest.”
He laughs and hugs me tighter. “You think being the oldest makes you immune?”
I shake my head slowly, trying not to let all my feelings crush me. “I was supposed to protect you, and I didn’t. I don’t know what that time with Mom was like.”
He tenses. “It wasn’t your battle. You were dealing with your own shit, Lola. I don’t blame you. You deserve to be happy even if that means going through some pain to get to it.”
I think about Hayden and how upset he looked. How desperate he was for me to come inside and talk to him, but I refused.
“I’m stubborn.”
He laughs. “You’re a Sterling.”
I pull away and turn to look at my little brother, only seeing a sickening ache in his eyes and demeanor. “I have to go.”
“Okay. You okay though?” He looks suspicious, and after earlier, I can’t blame him.
“Yeah. I just...” I sigh. “I think you’re right. Maybe I try to shield the people I love and myself a little too much. And I don’t want to miss out on something that’s possibly great.”
“Well, I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about, but you’re one of the smartest people I know. So go ahead.”
I ruffle his hair and kiss the top of his head before dashing to my car. My heels are filled with sand and uncomfortable, so I kick them off once I’m in the car. I drive barefoot back to Hayden.
When I get there, I leave my heels in the car and run to his front door, ringing the doorbell and not caring how late it is.
He doesn’t answer, and my chest squeezes tightly in my chest.
Please be here.
I knock on the door and then ring the doorbell again. Desperate to talk to him. Hoping I didn’t screw it all up.
I’m still angry, but I don’t want to take the easy way out and bail without talking to him.
“Please answer.”
“Lola?”
I turn to my right at the sound of Hayden’s voice. He’s outside. He has a shirt on now along with his sweats, and my heart hurts enough to make me cringe when I see his swollen eye.
“What are you doing here?”
I leave his porch and walk to meet him as he comes from the backyard. “I wanted to hear your side.”
He looks stunned, rubbing the sexy stubble of his jaw with his hand as he studies me closely.
He probably thinks I'm completely insane.