34. Lola
34
LOLA
“ S o she invited you to the wedding?”
Hayden just grins as he looks around the now-furnished dining room of hotel number one. “She did. Are you okay with that?”
The fact that he’s going makes me much calmer, but I'm not telling him that. “I suppose that’s okay.”
I nonchalantly shrug my shoulder and look around, making sure everything is in order. It won’t be long before the grand opening.
“Are you okay with it being at the lake?”
No.
I take a deep breath. “I don’t understand it, but Penelope and Linc are different. They kind of thrive on pain, so it makes sense in a twisted sort of way.” I laugh at the expression on his face, knowing he thinks it’s as fucked as I do. “You’ll understand the more you’re around them. They spent so much time punishing each other.”
I look down at my phone, seeing a text from my mom telling me she’s here. She wanted to see the hotel, and Hayden suggested she be the first lunch guest. I think it’s sweet he seems to like her so much.
“Mom is here.”
We greet her and after the tour, sit down at one of the tables. Hayden squeezes my shoulders with a smile on his face that melts my heart. He didn’t smile much at first, but we both smile a hell of a lot more now. “I’m going to go check on the food.”
I nod as he kisses my temple and then walks back to the kitchen. My mom is beaming from across the table. “I am so happy you found love, Lola. I was so afraid you wouldn’t.”
“Gee thanks, Mom.” I grin over at her, giving her a hard time because I already knew that.
“Oh.” She plays with her necklace, a nervous smile on her face. “I didn’t mean for it to sound like that. You’ve just always had so much on your shoulders. I’m so glad you let someone love you, and I know he does.”
I think about the day in the pool when he told me he loved me so effortlessly. “He does. And I love him back.”
“I am so happy to watch you two together. And Penelope said she invited him to the wedding.”
I tense, thinking about the wedding. I’m so happy they’re getting married, but the location is going to be tough. I made it through my mother and Tony’s wedding though, and I'm sure I can do this.
“She did. He’s going. I think it will be good for their relationship too.”
My mom smiles, and it is beautiful. “Do you think Asher will go?”
My brow furrows. “Of course.”
She sighs heavily. I know how much she worries about him even if Asher thinks she doesn’t. “I hope we’ll be okay through all of this, Lola. I’m not sure he thinks he has anyone to lean on.”
“He has to know by now he does, mom.”
I’m worried about him too. “I know you all think Colt was my favorite.”
That catches me off guard, and my stomach lurches as I gape over at her. “We don’t think that.”
“You don’t have to lie to me.”
Okay. So the thought has passed through my mind a time or two, and I know Asher felt that way. “He died. Of course, you were heartbroken.”
“I would have been if it would have been any one of you. You all were my whole life.” I hate the tears welling in her eyes and the anguish all over her face. “I failed all of you so badly.”
“What?” I stare at her in horror. She didn’t fail us. I reach for her hand. “What are you talking about? You’ve always been the best mom anyone could ask for.”
“I never worried about him.” I stare at her, confused and not sure if I'm ready for this talk. “I worried about Lincoln all the time. He was wild and rebellious. I worried about Asher when it was clear he wasn’t sure who he was and started to party too much.” I love my mother, but to be honest, I didn’t know she was aware of that. I thought she thought our lives were perfect. “And I worried about you, Lola.”
I stare at her, noticing the worry lines around her eyes. They’re the only thing that gives away her age. She’s a natural beauty. “What? Why?”
“You reminded me too much of me. Always wanting everyone to be happy. Wanting things to be perfect.”
“Let’s not pretend I’m the matriarch of this family.”
Her head tilts to the side, and that same shoulder kicks up in a shrug. “You are in a lot of ways, especially when I wasn’t there.”
“You’ll always be the mama of the family. And you were then too. I’m sure you worried about him.” I close my eyes, hating that I still can’t say his name out loud. That I still flinch when anyone else uses his name. It makes it all too real for me.
Matriarch hell. I’ve been crippled by his death.
“I didn’t. I really didn’t. I thought he had it all figured out. I thought, stupidly...” A sob escapes her throat, and tears fall down her cheek, but she quickly wipes them away. “I thought he was the one I didn’t need to worry about. He seemed so put together.”
The lump in my throat is massive, and I can’t swallow it away. “He carried it all well.”
“I should have known it was all too much for him, but I didn’t. I failed him, and then I failed all of you. I let you lose him.”
“Mom, you couldn’t have stopped it.” I think about my conversation with Hayden and only now realize how like my mother I am. “You just couldn’t have. He didn’t tell anyone what was going on because he wanted to be the strong one who had it all together. None of us knew. And we have to stop blaming ourselves.”
Hayden walks out of the kitchen, and I lock eyes with him, a smile taking over my face as tears sit at the surface of my eyes.
“We have to try to really move on with our lives or we are failing him. Because he wouldn’t want us to be miserable.”
She smiles and nods. “No. He definitely wouldn’t want that.”
Hayden joins us hesitantly, not sitting down. “Everything okay?”
I nod and take his hand, encouraging him to sit. “We’re just discussing the wedding.”
He nods and hands my mother a napkin, who dabs at her wet tears before looking at Hayden. “I’m really happy you’ll be attending.”
He smiles, knowing he’s likely missed quite the conversation but only offers a warm smile in her direction. “Me too.”
I’m not ready to go back there. I don’t think I ever will be, but maybe Linc and Penelope are right.
Maybe this is just part of the healing.