38. Lola
38
LOLA
I don’t turn around to face Hayden. How could he do that? Hit my little brother right in front of me. Twice.
What the hell was he thinking?
I know Asher is a pain in the ass. I know he says horrible things and needs to learn to shut up and stop being so selfish, but Hayden hit him.
“Lola.”
I don’t face him. Instead I look out at the murky cold water.
I feel his hands on my shoulders. “Lola, look at me.”
I turn around reluctantly, and he slips his jacket over my shoulders. “You hit him.”
“I know. It’s what he wanted.”
I scoff, folding my arms over my chest, my fingers clutching his jacket. “You sound like an abuser. Who the hell wants to get hit in the face?”
“Someone in a lot of pain. And who has a lot of guilt.”
The ball in the pit of my stomach only grows, and I feel like I'm going to be sick. I shake my head from side to side in a daze. He was so angry. “How do you know?”
“I was him.” His laugh is not light or easy, more ironic. “Hell, I still am at times.”
My eyebrow lifts. “What do you mean?”
He looks sadder now, looking past me toward the water. I know he doesn’t like talking about the past, but he does it for me. “When my grandma died, I was young and angry. She was the only one who ever gave a damn about me, and she died. I never really let her love me. I was barely just letting her in when she died.”
My throat feels tight. I can’t imagine what his life was like.
“She tried. She tried so hard for me, but I fought her. And then she fucking died on me right when I started to trust her.”
“Hayden.” I soften, seeing the broken boy inside the strong man.
He smiles, tight-lipped . “I was pissed off at the world. I had no clue how to deal with anything. So I started getting into a lot of fights. Pushing them as far as I could until they’d haul off and hit me because pain like that—on the inside—you don’t know how to handle,” his eyes meet mine, “that’s the most painful thing in the world.”
“And getting hit in the face helps that?”
“Of course.” His answer is so easy. When I cock my head to the side, he takes one of my cold hands in his, leaving me to clasp his jacket together with one hand. “It gives you physical pain to focus on. It’s an outlet, maybe a weird one to you, but it makes sense to him. And to me.”
I take a deep breath. “I guess that makes sense.”
“I didn’t just hit your little brother because I was pissed. I did it because he was begging me for it. And I recognize that pain.”
“So did you just grow out of that?”
He pulls me into his arms, wrapping them around me and smiling down at me. “I don’t know. I kinda liked it when you punched me.” I lift my head, looking into his eyes and roll mine.
“Oh yeah?”
“Got me all excited.”
I snort as his hands grasp my face and his lips meet mine for a quick kiss. “You’re kinda twisted.”
He chuckles. “Yeah. No shit.”
I smile and let him hold me as it starts to snow again. “Don’t indulge him anymore, okay? I don’t think I can stand to see him in physical pain. He’s in enough hell already.”
He nods in agreement. “It’s on him though, Lola. He’s going to have to figure that out. You can’t force him to get through this.”
I hate his bluntness. “I can try.”
“No.” He doesn’t even humor me for a moment. “He’ll come to you. I promise you. He will. I have no idea when, but you have to let him come to you, Lola. You can’t force him.”
“Hayden...” My plea is strangled because I feel so lost and hopeless as I lean into his remarkably warm chest for it being so cold. “I just need him to be okay.”
He holds me tighter. “I know. He will be.”
He sounds so sure, but I saw the look in my brother’s eyes tonight. It was terrifying, like he’d given up hope.
“I think I really messed up when I encouraged Viv to leave Hayden. Like really badly. I swear I didn’t mean to hurt him.”
He lifts my face so I'm looking into his eyes again. “Of course you didn’t. You love so deeply and just want everyone to be okay. You’re one of the strongest, most loyal people I’ve ever known, and more people should be like you.”
I know I'm beaming, and I hate how he does that to me. “I love you, Hayden.”
“I love you, Lola.”
He hugs me to his side as we turn to look out over the water, and my heart squeezes tightly as I think about Colt.
“He’s not wrong. I ran after...” My throat hurts when I choke on a sob. “After...”
“Lola, it’s okay.”
“No.” I look out at the water again and take a deep breath. “I was always fairly distant. I loved my family, but I had goals. My father was so disappointed with his oldest being a girl that I worked my ass off to prove to him I was worthy. That I could take over some day. I didn’t date. I barely had friends. I just worked. I didn’t see what was happening with my family.” I stare at the snow hitting the water. “I didn’t pay attention. And then...” Tears fall down my cheeks, and Hayden hugs me closer to his side. “Colt died.”
My voice is weak, but I said it. I said his name out loud.
I turn to face Hayden, who brushes my hair out of my eyes and rests his hand on my cheek.
“Colt died, and everyone imploded. And I went back home and saw my mom crumbling, and I couldn’t take it. I let the guilt eat me alive, but I let my little brother handle it because I wasn’t strong enough. And now look at him.”
“That wasn’t on you.”
“It was.” I point to my chest. “Will you please just blame me. I don’t need your sympathy. At least he’s pissed. Everyone else lets me off the hook, but I let them down.”
“You were their sister. You’re human, and you need to let yourself off the hook.”
I turn away from him, angry for no reason, and he quickly catches up to me. “You think you’re weak, Lola Sterling? You’re everything, but that. You aren’t a meek little mouse.”
“If you call me a lion, I will punch you. And a hell of a lot harder than you hit Asher.”
He laughs and cups my face in his hands. “You aren’t a fucking lion or a mouse. You’re a strong, caring, incredible woman who I can’t stop thinking about, who I’m obsessed with and not ashamed of it for a second because look at you,” he looks into my eyes, and I know he truly sees me, “you are everything.”
He looks at me like I truly am everything to him. “I really do love you. I never thought I’d be here.”
His lips brush against mine. “I didn’t either, but I’m happy I am.”
Me too. I don’t even want to think about a time without him.