9. Vivienne
9
VIVIENNE
I ’ve been avoiding Asher. I know I have. I shouldn’t, but our talk a few nights ago in the theater room was overwhelmingly honest.
I’ve never talked with anyone about getting pregnant in high school other than telling Lincoln about Sebastian, but that was quick with no details.
Telling Asher I lost my virginity to his brother on a whim was humiliating. And I’m not sure why I did it other than I’m tired of holding everything so close.
He hasn’t pried any more since that night, and maybe he’s avoiding me too because besides meals with Sebastian, I haven’t really seen him much.
“Be careful, sweetheart.” It’s chilly for late August and has been raining most of the day, but Sebastian still wanted to go swimming, so we put on our suits and went down to the basement. I sit on the edge of the pool, letting my feet dangle in the water as Baz plays in the shallow part right next to me, climbing up the stairs and dipping into the water cautiously. I’m looking at my phone, going over my class schedule because school starts tomorrow.
But my mind is on Asher and his face when he found out I’ve only had sex one time in my life. God, he thinks I’m a freak .
“Whoa!” I look over in time to see Baz slip on the watery step and hit his mouth on the ledge.
“Baz!” I drop my phone in the water as I jump in and grab him, his little face distraught and bleeding. “Oh my god. Are you okay?”
He places his hand over his mouth, wailing, and I see the blood as I pull him out of the pool and run, holding him against my chest as I make it to Asher’s room.
“Asher!”
He’s lying on his bed, shirtless and in sweats with bedhead, but he’s awake and on top of the comforter. He jumps up and runs to me. “What happened?”
“He slipped in the pool.” I try to collect myself, but I’m shaking with fear as Asher takes Sebastian from me and looks at his face, quickly grabbing a washcloth from his bathroom, wetting it, and putting it over Baz’s lip.
He places Sebastian on the bed and kneels in front of him, his muscles flexed tight as he examines him. The whole time Baz has been screaming with big fat tears sliding down his cheeks. My heart breaks. “We should take him to the hospital.”
Asher is calm and cool. “Just a second.” He lifts the washcloth and looks at Baz’s bottom lip, it’s swollen, but the cut isn’t deep and has already stopped bleeding. He looks over his shoulder at me. “He’s okay.” He turns back to Baz. “What happened, little man?”
Sebastian sniffles and pokes out his bottom lip. “I fell. I hurt myself.” His voice is so sweet, and I’m finally able to breathe again when I hear it without the hysterical screaming.
Ash smiles and ruffles his hair. “Yeah, I can see that. You’re one tough kid.”
I watch the pride on my son’s face as he smiles. “I know.”
“We’ll get you an icepack, and you’ll be good as new, little man.”
“Will I have a scar?” He looks hopeful that he might.
Asher laughs and stands up. “I don’t think so. I guess you’ll have to try harder next time.”
“Asher...” I warn, and they both laugh at my horrified expression.
Baz hops off the bed and places the washcloth to his lip again. “I’ll just keep this on it for a bit. ”
“Okay, buddy. Be careful though.” Asher nods his head in my direction. “Don’t want to scare your mom too much.”
Baz giggles again and runs out of the room, heading into the room where I put some toys for him yesterday. He likes to be near Asher, so I figured he needed a play room down here too.
My knees give out, and I slide down the wall, resting my elbows on my thighs as I grip my hair, still in my wet bathing suit.
Asher leans down in front of me. “Viv, what’s wrong?”
I look up at him into those playful, amused eyes. “He fell in the pool. I should have been paying closer attention. I was right there.”
He tilts his annoyingly handsome head to the right and laughs, sitting down on his butt in front of me. My eyes linger a little too long on his sculpted abs and the sinewy muscles of his arm as he leans back on his hands. “Exactly, you were right there. He’s fine. It’s a split lip.”
“I’ve never seen his blood before.”
His eyebrows draw together. “What?”
I know that sounds stupid when my son is three. “I mean, maybe when he had his vaccinations, but nothing like that.” I look down and see Baz’s blood on my black swimsuit and my skin where I held him to my chest.
“Yeah, I’m sure that was scary, but he’s okay. Fuck, Viv. He’s going to get hurt. A lot.”
I look up at him in alarm. “What? Why?”
“He’s a three-year-old boy. He’s curious. He’s going to get hurt all the time. I mean shit, I think I broke my arm twice before I was twelve.”
I’m horrified, and I’m sure my face reflects that. “Well, I can’t let that happen.”
He sighs as if I’m a lost cause. “You can’t control everything. You just can’t. He’s going to get hurt. Humans are supposed to get hurt.”
I shake my head, my fingernails digging into my scalp. “I can’t. God, what if it would have been worse.” I feel tears swell up to the surface of my eyes as I look at Asher. “I can’t fail, Asher. They want me to fail.”
He knows I’m talking about my parents. “Fuck them.”
I’m surprised by his reaction, although I’m not sure why. I need him to understand how serious I am. “I have to show them I can do this without their help.”
“And you can. No doubt. You’re a great mother. ”
I shake my head and let my butt rest on the floor, pulling my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them, fighting all the doubts I’ve had since I found out I was pregnant. My mother told me it would be so easy to just get rid of the problem.
That’s how she referred to Baz for the first three months. She told me every day how hard my life would be if I went through with it. How no man would ever want me. How I would always be doing everything alone. How I would fail.
I’ve used it to fuel me, but I’m empty. I feel weak and out of control as my hands shake, and then I feel a warmth overcome me when my quaking hands are covered by Asher’s much larger, steady ones.
I didn’t even notice his body moving closer to mine, but he’s now kneeling in front of me and letting our hands rest over my knees as he looks into my eyes. “Breathe.”
“I can’t.” I hate how weak my voice sounds.
Asher is strong and confident, his gaze unwavering. “Breathe. I’m sure this is because school is starting tomorrow, right? It’s nerve-wracking leaving Baz alone with a stranger. I know.”
I nod my head stupidly. “I’ve never done that. He’s only been with my parents or your mother. Or you.”
He nods slowly, being so patient and kind. “I know, but it’s only for a few hours, and then you’ll pick him up and he’ll tell you all about his day. You’ll tell him about yours, and it’ll be great.”
“What if he cries?”
Asher shrugs. “My money’s on you crying.”
I sniff through tears but actually laugh. “Asshole.”
“Yes, I am.” He chuckles and then releases my hands, moving to my side and wrapping an arm around me, his skin against mine. “You gotta loosen up.”
“You keep saying that.”
“Yeah, and I’m going to continue to say that. You’re twenty-one. Your life is just beginning. Loosen up and live.”
Asher’s life hasn’t been easy, although I’m sure it seems like it has on the outside. But I know a darkness lurks beneath the surface. I see it every time anyone brings up Lincoln or Colt. Still, his optimism astounds me.
Not much gets to him .
“I’ll try.”
“You promise?”
For a moment, I let myself breathe and relax into him as I close my eyes and rest my head on his shoulder. “I promise.”
I can’t see him, but I can feel his smile. “Good.” We’re quiet for a moment, and then he asks, “If your parents made you keep everything a secret, what made you tell Linc about Sebastian?”
Sebastian was only a few months old when I went to Manhattan where Lincoln was living with Penelope to tell him the truth. I open my eyes and pivot slightly to look at Asher, who is now looking at me but keeping me in the comfort of his side. “They told me that no one could know. That it was my dirty little secret, but every time I looked at my sweet baby boy, all I could see was Colt Sterling.”
His expression is pained at the mention of his brother, and I hate that I caused his features to darken.
“I would see the way my mother looked at him with disdain, and then I saw the way my father would never look at him, and I just knew he deserved love.” Asher listens intensely as I continue, “I didn’t know much about the Sterlings, but I saw you all together a few times at country club events and at school. I knew there was love there, and I wanted that for Sebastian.”
His pouty lips slide into a smile. “I’m glad you told us. I can’t imagine life without him.”
His love for my son gives me a hope that was never put there by my own family. My parents were so furious when they found out I told the Sterlings about Sebastian, but I didn’t care. It felt right, and I’ve never regretted my decision even though my parents tried to tell me the Sterlings would sue me for custody and I would lose him. Why they cared, I have no idea, but I know they just wanted control over the situation. The Sterlings have been nothing short of incredible. “I’m glad too. So unbelievably glad.”
He wraps his arm tighter around me, pulling me closer to his side. “You don’t need any help, Viv. You’re a badass, but I am here.”
“What if you find someone?”
I feel his body shake with laughter. “Find someone?”
“Yeah, what if you start dating someone. We aren’t your responsibility, Asher. If you want to date, you can. You should . But then, what if you fall in love and leave?” I would be trying to do everything on my own, and I’m terrified I’ll fail.
He laughs again and shakes his head. “Not gonna happen.”
I look over at him, giving our bodies some distance. “It happens all the time, Asher. It could happen. One moment, you’re randomly hooking up and the next, you’re in love.”
He’s still laughing and looking at me like I’m crazy. “I’ve seen love destroy, and I mean fucking demolish, lives. Trust me on this one, Viv, I’m not catching feelings for anyone.” I don’t relent, and he scoffs, “ If for some crazy ass reason I lose my mind and fall for someone and move out, you would be 100 percent fine, and I would still be here for you and Baz.”
I believe him, which is terrifying. “I don’t like relying on anyone.”
“Yeah, after meeting your parents, I get why, but you can rely on me.” His eyes bore into mine, sending the message loud and clear.
“Thank you.”
“Just remember to breathe.” He nods down to my chest. “And now maybe you can get a suit that’s made for a hot twenty-one–year-old instead of a fucking nun.”
I roll my eyes at that. “This is not a nun suit.”
“It is. Get a fucking bikini and rock that bod you work so hard for.”
I laugh as Baz runs in and jumps on Asher’s lap, making him release me and wrap his arms around Baz, lifting him into the air, swollen lip and all.
“I hate your honesty,” I say as I look down at the plain black one-piece.
Asher laughs, tickling Baz and bringing him back down to his lap. “No, you don’t.”
No. I don’t.