7. Jamie
Chapter 7
Jamie
N either of us slept worth a shit.
We didn’t talk after toeing the line of friendship versus fucking. Not one goddamn word passed our lips the rest of the night. Chaz shut down, but I could sense his pain radiating outward like searing rays from the summer sun, burning my skin. Warning me to take cover. Protect myself.
Couldn’t fucking do it. My insides bled, but I couldn’t push for more truth between us when he struggled enough. What sort of friend would I be if I couldn’t allow him space emotionally and mentally to get his shit figured out?
If Shelly wasn’t in the picture, the night would have ended with one or both of us balls deep in each other. A flip fuck of the century. Years’ worth of pent up lust and longing coming together in an explosive eruption of love. And cum. Fuck, a shit ton of cum if my throbbing nuts were any indication of how much I would fill his ass up.
My yearning intensified, and tense silence settled over the tent. The hours slipped past before exhaustion from playing out in the sun all day took me under.
I woke to find Chaz gone from his sleeping bag, a text waiting on my cell letting me know he’d gone out to fish in the canoe before sun up. The second text required another read.
Chaz: Regardless of everything I told you, I made a vow and need to honor it. Please tell me you understand.
Unfortunately, I did.
Like me, Chaz was a fighter and didn’t quit unless he had no choice.
And I wasn’t a selfish asshole who was ruled by his dick. I just wanted the man happy. Hopefully, he would manage to find that again with Shelly, even though that meant he would never be mine in the way I found out he and I had both secretly desired for all these years.
Blowing out a miserable exhale, I stared at the top of the tent I had to myself.
Yesterday, I’d woken up to Chaz sprawled over me, heavy breaths suggesting he still slept. His cock had been hard and brushing against my thigh. In that moment, I had been a selfish prick, playing dead asleep and simply soaking in the warmth and scent of him since he wasn’t aware what he’d done. Morning wood was very real, and I’d told myself he’d simply rolled toward his bed partner like he probably did in his bed every night. Unconsciously, he’d hugged my body, thinking I was Shelly.
I should have slipped away before he’d woken up embarrassed, but I hadn’t been able to do the right thing and put distance between us. Soaking in his unintended affection had filled me clear to bursting with a rightness I’d never experienced before. Hadn’t wanted that moment to end, so I hadn’t done jack shit but pretended I slept too and was his pillow for a good ten minutes of heaven.
The second Chaz had woken, he’d gone still, tensed up and not breathing for a few seconds before his inhales suddenly came quicker. Could have been from fear of how I might react to what he’d done while passed out, but he’d hesitated just long enough from moving away that hope thrummed through me, and I swore he’d intentionally ground his dick against my thigh.
For the space of a few rapid heartbeats, I’d imagined him snaking a hand down my torso beneath my shorts. I fantasized about starting out the day by devouring his mouth while we jerked each other off.
Would have been fucking perfection.
But he’d rolled and almost tripped in his haste to leave the tent.
I’d stayed put until my hard-on relented, but I’d crowded against him while he cooked our breakfast to see how he would react.
Even though his entire body had shivered from my touch, he’d been cold and standoffish, settling my mind on the fact his morning wood didn’t have anything to do with who he’d clung to in his sleep. He most definitely had not sought out friction when pressing his hard cock against me.
Still, I’d felt the need to speak up, share the truth of my sexuality in case he’d realized I was awake and thought I might be all weird about what he’d done. Sure, it was a shitty conversation to explore, making Chaz possibly question his marriage, but so much had been taken away from me. I was desperate for some good in my life, something that would ease the ache in my chest.
Had I ruined the friendship we’d only begun to explore again?
The smart thing would be to pack my bags and head back to Boston, find work that wasn’t anywhere near or included the man I couldn’t have. Landing a job wouldn’t be too difficult. Making connections was a possibility thanks to the couple of friends I had down there, but finding love again was off the table. No one would compare to Chaz. Didn’t want anyone but him.
That idea of leaving him behind made my stomach roil, but I also wasn’t about to walk out on those high school players I’d signed a contract to coach either. My assistant coach had a full-time job and was unable to take the lead, so I was stuck for the season with no chance of moving until at least late November.
With no answers other than to put one foot in front of the other in taking care of the responsibilities I’d accepted, I forced my ass out of the tent. Determination to keep my hands to myself and honor Chaz’s vow to Shelly lay heavily on my mind.
Chaz sat on the canoe at the end of the cove, facing away from me, shoulders rounded as he slumped over his fishing rod. Did he feel like shit even though nothing had happened between us? Was he bummed as fuck about the choices we’d made that had led us to the path we currently walked?
I got the coffeepot going, dead set on getting back the carefree sense from the day before where nothing mattered and no responsibilities dragged us down. If I hadn’t already fucked up too bad. We had a handful of hours before we had to pack and head into town. Well, Chaz needed to. He had work in the morning while I had nowhere to go until later in the week.
I heated up some sausage in a pan over the electric stovetop with plans to stir up some pancake mix as Chaz paddled toward shore. Maybe a hot breakfast would entice him to stay a little while longer.
Once he stood on land and pulled the canoe out of the water, I piled a plate high with food and set it on the table.
“Come eat,” I ordered, keeping my tone light as though nothing too much or deep had taken place last night.
“Thanks,” he said, tucking himself into the picnic table and allowing me to breathe a little easier.
“Any bites?” I asked, sitting across from him.
“No.” He shoved pancakes into his mouth and wouldn’t look at me.
I guessed we were leaving our conversation alone, but I was fine with that as long as we could move forward. “Hey, you still put those model cars together?”
A huff of laughter jolted Chaz on his bench. “God, no.”
“Why not?” I asked, smiling at the upturn of his lips and the quick glance he’d gifted me.
“I don’t even have time to shit, shower, and shave in peace let alone spare a second for useless hobbies,” he said, shaking his head.
My heart ached even more for him, but I was determined to remain upbeat. “You know what they say about all work and no play…”
Chaz lifted an eyebrow in question while stuffing a whole sausage into his mouth.
Shit.
I tore my focus off the grease lining his lower lip as he chewed and swallowed.
“Something about having bills to pay? They’re content at the end of the day?” he asked, joking. “We slay? Gotta jump into the fray? Might make us gay?”
My gaze jerked back to his at that last one.
“Shit. Was just tossing rhymes out. Didn’t mean anything by it. And like I said last night, I’m pan—gay is good in my book.”
I rubbed a hand over my scruffy face. “No worries.”
“I was, uh, thinking I need to get back to town earlier than planned.”
My chest caved in, but I wasn’t surprised considering his mood. “Oh yeah?”
“Mmm.” Chaz drank the last of the coffee I’d given him, and he stood, taking his plate with him. “Got a voicemail last night from a client. Car broke down, and I have to fit them in ASAP.”
Unlike me, Chaz knew how to lie and didn’t mind doing it.
But I would give him a pass, same as I always had. “Okay. Do you have to pack up now?” I asked.
“Yeah. I’ve got a shit ton of work backed up and would like to get a few hours in before Shelly comes home tonight.”
Disappointment hit hard, leaving an ache radiating through my entire body.
“I’ll clean up the breakfast stuff if you want to pack up the tent,” I suggested, fighting to keep my true feelings from my voice.
He nodded and turned away.
It was a quiet hour between us before he dropped me off at home with a quick, “See ya later.”
I didn’t even get a chance to respond before he drove off, my camping gear at my feet.