15. Jamie
Chapter 15
Jamie
F our days until I got my hands on Chaz—fucking finally.
I stood in the shower, my body amped on adrenaline even though I’d about killed myself alongside the kids on the practice field after school. My dick stood at attention, but I ignored my hard-on, determined to save it for Sunday. Edging always paid off though, so I lingered, enjoying soaping up my junk.
Felt so fucking good. His mouth or hole would be a hell of a lot better though, and I had plans to choke him with one load then fill his ass with another. I would gladly return the favor too.
Groaning, I tipped my head toward the ceiling and stroked until my balls tightened.
My cell rang, making it easier to release my hold on my dick and finish rinsing, telling myself yet again that withholding for now would be worth it. If he took a turn bottoming for me, I planned to watch my seed leak out of his hole before using my tongue to lick him clean.
But if he only wanted to top?
I wouldn’t complain. I would love on Chaz however I could have him.
My insides lit with butterflies over the countless possibilities and ways we could get each other off while wrapping a towel around my waist.
Jesus, I couldn’t fucking wait .
I picked up my cell off the bathroom counter while checking myself out in the fogged mirror and using my fingers to brush my wet hair from my forehead.
Dad had called, then texted, telling me to get back to him as soon as possible.
My brow furrowed. Pulse kicking up a notch, I tapped on his number.
He answered on the first ring.
“What’s up?” I demanded, hating how my guts twisted.
“Shelly was in a bad car accident, and Chaz is headed to the hospital.”
I blinked. “Huh?”
“Shelly was in a car accident?—”
“Oh shit,” I cut Dad off, hurrying out of the bathroom for my bedroom. “She okay? What happened?” I yanked open a drawer, grabbing jeans and a T-shirt as Dad filled me in on what little he knew. Every word caused the blood to drain from my face and my chest to tighten.
She’d been T-boned by some dude who’d run a red light. He’d hit the driver’s side, and she’d been rushed to the hospital in critical condition.
My heart pounded as I struggled to get the clothes on over my damp skin. “You let Chaz drive to Berlin on his own?” I snipped my words, unable to regulate my emotions over the sudden news that chilled my spine.
“He refused the cruiser.”
“I’m gonna head down there.”
“Figured you would. Be safe, and let me know what’s going on when you get there.”
“Will do.” I hung up, tossed my cell onto my bed and quickly shoved my feet into some sneakers.
“Jesus, fuck!”
I couldn’t begin to imagine what Chaz was feeling. The worry. Anxiety. Fucking gut-wrenching stress that brought about an instantaneous headache. I experienced all three, and she wasn’t even someone I considered a friend anymore.
I ordered Siri to get in touch with Chaz while rushing out the door, keys in my trembling hand.
The call went straight to voicemail.
“Shit—Chaz. Dad just told me about Shelly. I’m on my way—be there as soon as I can.” I bit my tongue when the words I love you almost slipped free, hitting end instead and tossing my cell onto the passenger seat.
Both hands gripping the wheel, I raced through town, ignoring the speed limit signs. Route 16 opened up ahead of me, and I roared southward on the highway, lips pressed tight, my eyes stinging yet dry as fuck at the same time.
Bile burned the back of my throat as I considered the secret wish I’d had floating around in my head ever since I’d come home.
That Shelly would be gone. Dead.
My head moved in a slow back and forth shake of denial.
She—not like this. Please .
I choked on a sob, tears suddenly rolling down my face. It’d been years since I even considered believing in a god, but I started whispering prayers to every single one I knew the name of, begging for Chaz’s wife to be okay.
“No way this is happening,” I cried out, smashing my elbow into the driver side window and only hurting myself.
No whisper of assurance from any god soothed my anger. The turmoil continued to roil in my chest, making breathing difficult.
I swiped at the wetness on my cheeks, telling myself over and over, “I’ve got this.” All three of us would get through whatever awaited, and I would change my thoughts toward Shelly. Be a better friend. Be there for them both and offer support in whatever capacity I could.
I had my emotions somewhat under control when I rushed into the nearly empty ER and saw Chaz sitting in the small waiting room, elbows on knees, gaze on the floor. His shoulders slumped, defeat written in his posture.
My heart seized up, skipping a beat.
Oh fucking hell.
Swallowing hard and tears once more threatening, I hurried toward him, the stench of chemicals burning my nose. “Chaz!”
He lifted red-rimmed eyes but didn’t stand or burst into sobs. Chaz simply watched me approach, his face void of emotion while I swallowed convulsively to remain stoic.
Was he in shock?
I’d expected him to be an absolute mess like I was inside.
I knelt in front of him, grabbing hold of his hands and searching for a hint of what he was thinking, where his mind was—how his wife fared.
“Shelly?” I whispered, my throat closing off.
“In surgery,” he muttered, his tone just as unmoved as his face. “Massive internal injuries. Doesn’t look good.” He pressed his lips tight and glanced toward the doorway, eyes still dry as a bone.
“Fuck. Jesus, Chaz.” I threw my arms around him and squeezed, but he stayed passive in my arms, a limp fish who’d been out of water for too long. There was no point in lingering. Chaz was past accepting comfort of any sort. Releasing him, I slid onto the chair beside my best friend, grasping his hand in mine, refusing to break contact if only for my own sanity.
He squeezed—proof of life—but didn’t speak. Thankfully, he didn’t pull away.
“I’m here, Chaz,” I rasped. “Whatever you need, okay?”
“Thanks, brother.”
We sat in silence, my mind stewing and continuing with those goddamn prayers on repeat as the minutes ticked past. More than anything, I wanted to wrap my pinkie around his but didn’t feel the freedom to do so. Wasn’t sure he’d allow it anyway.
The occasional sound of the automatic doors swishing open around the corner to admit people into the hospital reached us. At least we had the small waiting room to ourselves and didn’t have to attempt conversation with strangers.
A code broke the stillness from the overhead speakers, taking me back to the hospital in Texas. A blown knee wasn’t shit compared to this kind of trauma.
That purpose I’d been searching for hit me like a goddamned Mac truck. I’d been too blinded by my woe-is-me attitude to see the truth.
My sole reason for breathing was to stand by my loved ones. Help them on the journey they’d chosen for themselves even if it didn’t include me being by their side. A job just afforded me the ability to exist on earth. It didn’t matter what occupation I ended up with or even where.
I would support and edify those I cared about no matter the situation. Whether they returned my love or not.
My ass grew numb, as a sense of peace settled into my heart. The newfound revelation didn’t rid my mind of worry though. If anything truly happened to Shelly, I would never forgive myself. Couldn’t even begin to imagine?—
A guy in scrubs appeared in the room’s entryway. Same as my best friend, the doc showed zero emotion.
Chaz at least straightened, seeming to ready himself for the worst. He dropped my hand and clasped his knees, knuckles turning white as he stared unblinking at the man.
“Mr. Henderson?” the doctor asked.
“Yeah,” Chaz rasped.
“I’m sorry, but your wife passed while on the operating table.”
Static hit my ears, and I only caught bits and pieces of his explanation.
Internal injuries beyond repair.
Crushed spine.
Wouldn’t have lived a full life even if she’d survived.
Chaz didn’t twitch or blink, unlike me who couldn’t sit still due to the clenching of my guts. I cringed forward as though stabbed in the stomach.
“Her pregnancy wasn’t far enough along to tell the sex of the baby, either,” the doctor continued. “You have my deepest condolences, Mr. Henderson.”
Pregnancy …
Chaz continued to stare as though frozen.
Oh fucking Christ—Jesus!
My chest caved inward, wetness rushing to coat my eyes at the horrid news dropped in Chaz’s lap. After all this time, years of trying…his determination to fulfill Shelly’s dreams…
Chaz returned his gaze to the floor while my mind continued to stall out on partial thoughts.
The doctor left us once more in silence, and I bit my tongue to keep from losing my shit.
This wasn’t possible.
Couldn’t be.
I—fuck!
My body shuddered, my heart thumping heavily in my chest. My palms sweated, and the dinner I’d wolfed down threatened to make an appearance.
Was this God’s way of punishing me for my selfishness?
Needing…I wasn’t sure what, I reached for Chaz’s shoulder and clasped on tight in a show of support even though I seemed more desperate for it than he did. Warmth radiated from beneath his mechanic coveralls, and I closed my eyes, wishing our souls could connect so I could understand what he was going through. How he felt. The thoughts in his head.
How could I be there for him if he didn’t speak?
Unsure of how to comfort him, I simply stayed put, fighting off emotions while he sat unmoved and somber. Restlessness attacked my legs during the long moments of shameful reflection and not knowing what to do. My agitation grew with every quiet tick of the clock, the hopelessness causing me to open my mouth.
“Chaz?”
“I-I need a minute.”
“Want me to contact your parents? Tell the nursing home staff in case Shelly’s mom is having a lucid day?” I had to move, keep me from spiraling further into the shame rotting my soul.
He huffed what sounded like a snort. “Dementia never sounded so good.” Chaz heaved a heavy exhale and nodded. “Yeah—I would appreciate that,” he whispered. “Thanks.”
I squeezed his shoulder and stood, anxious for space while wanting to stick close. “Be back in a few.”
I breathed deeply, trying to get myself under control. Maybe I would call Dad and have him reach out to Chaz’s parents so I could sit in privacy for a few minutes and lose my shit without anyone seeing.
The automatic doors opened as I approached, a guy a decade or so older than me running past, sobbing out of control.
That was what I had expected from Chaz, even though he and Shelly had been on shaky ground. Hell, any sort of emotion would have been nice, giving me some sort of hint into how Chaz was handling the situation so I could figure out how to help him.
He fared better than me, that was for damned sure.
I exited the building and turned left, breathing in the cool evening air, closing my eyes against the parking lot lights and the flashing ones of an ambulance. “Siri, call Dad,” I croaked into my cell.
“Jamie?”
“She’s gone, Dad,” I gasped out the words, my heart breaking along with the floodgate holding back tears. “C-Can you tell the Hendersons?”
“Jesus—I’m so sorry. How’s Chaz holding up?”
Like a goddamned oak while I crumpled beneath the crippling weight of guilt.
“Still in shock, I think,” I managed to answer in between sobs.
“Don’t worry about making calls—I’ll get in touch with his parents and the nursing home. You just go hug that boy of yours tight. He’ll need you now more than ever.”
I nodded even though Dad couldn’t see me. If he knew that I was responsible for her death?—
No.
I wasn’t so stupid to believe I’d been behind the wheel of the car who’d smashed into her, but goddamnit, how many times had I wished her gone?
Hanging up, I slumped to the cement sidewalk, leaning against a wall, head in my hands. In my current state, I wouldn’t be any help to Chaz. I ran my hands through my hair, biting my tongue until I tasted blood.
Chaz would hate my guts if he ever learned I’d wanted his wife out of the picture so I could have him all to myself. He could never know the truth. It would wreck us for sure.
How the hell did we move on from this?
Could we?