Risky Replay (Country Stars Forever #1)

Chapter 29

Twenty-Nine

EMILY

Where is he? Every person I’ve greeted has asked me the same question. If I had the answer, I’d share.

“He’ll be here.” Mark bumps my elbow with his as I stand at the edge of the tables where they open to the dance floor, watching James twirl next to my brother, Santiago. I love having him back. Maddox dances next to James, shifting his hips and arms in opposite directions.

“We’ve stalled long enough. I’m sorry.” I don’t know what else to say to Mark. What will I say to James?

“The event sold out because of him. That’s a win.” He squeezes my shoulder. “If I haven’t told you, you look hot, amiga. But you know,” his eyes flick to my brother.

“Don’t. That’s my brother. It’s weird.” I stop him. It’s not that its Mark, it’s that it’s weird to hear people call my brother, hot. Anyone. Really. He’s my little brother.

I truly am a mama bear.

He laughs. “I like riling you up. Besides, there’s only room for one straight man in my fantasies.”

“Still married.” I turn toward him making a show of scanning him. “By the way, thank you. You’re quite dashing yourself. ”

He grins, all arrogance, knowing how handsome he is. “I wasn’t fishing for a compliment, but I’ll take it.”

I laugh. “I’m not the only one.” Mark draws much of the attention in his tight tux accentuating his muscles and ass.

“Shall we?” He offers me his elbow and leads me to the table at the front. He sits next to me, and I appreciate him not letting me sit alone. James, Maddox, and my brother join us.

“Mom, did you see me dance?” James twirls again.

“I did.” I want to tell him he’ll be the highlight of the evening, but a seed of doubt takes hold.

“This place is packed,” Santiago says as he sits across from us.

“Is he here yet?” James looks around at the crowd.

“He’ll make it.” I smooth James’ hair back, and he gently ducks my second attempt. I lift my palms in the air. “I won’t touch. I promise.”

“Everything is perfect. I’m going to be famous.” He grins at Maddox who laughs.

I keep my laughter to myself. If he only knew he is already famous and how much he sounds like his father.

“I’m proud of you, honey. Getting up on the stage with your dad and being who you are.”

James tilts his head to one side. “He’s not my dad.”

“When? What?” What the hell did I say?

“You said getting up on stage with my dad.”

Maddox nods. “You did.”

Mark and Santiago stare at me with wide eyes.

Do I go with it and open the door to the idea? If I deny it, I’ll be lying and he’ll remember when he finally learns the truth. I glance around as if Derek would appear and help me. Where is he? All my texts are unanswered. This isn’t the place or the time for this conversation, but I can’t leave James waiting for an explanation.

“We’ll be spending a lot of time with Derek. He’s been taking care of us,” I’m fumbling and stalling, and confusing him. “It’s only natural he’ll slip into the role. ”

James’ brows cinch together. “Everyone here keeps calling me Derek’s boy. He’s not Dad.”

“He’d like to be some day.”

“Why?”

“He loves us. He loves your sister, me, and you very much. Don’t you feel anything for him?” The words are ready to tumble out of my mouth. This isn’t the time or place. I promised Derek we’d do this together and when James is old enough to understand.

His expectant eyes never leave me.

“I like dancing when he plays guitar.” My sweet, sweet boy. I wrap him in my arms, and ask him to sit on my lap. I don’t care how expensive this gown is, I’m having my moment with my son. The reason we’re here. I would do anything to keep him safe, and let him know he’s loved no matter what. “I miss Dad.”

I look up to keep the moisture from destroying the hours of makeup. “I do too, honey, but Derek makes it a little less lonely, doesn’t he? He makes us feel complete. He belongs with us. What do you say? Give him a chance?”

“He’s tall,” Maddox adds like it’s enough of a reason to like Derek.

James chews on his bottom lip, and his expression pinches in concentration. I wish Derek could see this. How serious he’s taking opening up his heart to the new adult in his life. “Do you think he’ll do other shows with me?”

“It’s what’s important to you. I bet he will.”

My phone buzzes from inside my glittery clutch. I sigh with relief. “Derek. Thank goodness. Where are you?”

The familiar noise of rotor blades cutting the air and a high-pitched machine buzz comes through over his voice. “Em…it’s…” His voice is in and out, and I catch something sounding like Tyler, car, and check.

The crowd hushes, and the host stands at the podium. “Derek, where are you?” I whisper yell, and I catch Mark and my brother looking at me along with people from the table next to us shushing me.

Amplified voices cut through the speakers. I cover my ear, but it’s pointless. I can’t hear him. What the hell is he doing near a helicopter? “I’ll text you,” I say.

I fire off a text, but it never notifies me it was delivered.

I stare at the stage, unable to focus on the welcome speech. Maddox squirms in his seat, pulling at the collar of his shirt. James is too excited to sit in his chair. He hovers near me with a hand on the table sending me expectant looks. I shake my head every now and then telling him not yet. The auction is the last part of the program. Doesn’t matter. We’re out of time. Derek isn’t here. His guitar, in its case, sits backstage next to an empty bar stool. There won’t be a song and dance for the audience. We won’t raise the extra thousands of dollars for LGBTQ+ youth. The only memory will be how the big shot artist snubbed them by not showing up.

I glance over at Mark who leans over. “It’s okay.”

He has to say so. Derek is his employer.

“Mom?” James points at the stage.

“I’m sorry, honey.” What do I tell him? He’s so young to learn this type of disappointment. “I don’t think he’ll make it.”

“But he promised,” James says, tearing me to shreds, and I hear my own warbled voice saying the same thing to my grandmother.

The auction comes to a close. My son is in tears as I hold him in my lap. People pass by with pity in their eyes. Some are bold enough to ask what’s wrong. Santiago offers to drive Maddox home. I try to soothe James by rubbing his back. I search for wise words to teach him how to deal with disappointment. I have none.

“I’ll take you home,” Mark says and it takes time to coax James to agree.

“I want to go home,” James says quietly as I lie in the dark next to his curled up little body on his bed. We haven’t heard from Derek since the poor connection .

“We’ll go home,” I say easily. Too easily. The truth settles in me. Something I haven’t felt since Ryan left. Like the answers to the questions about our future have floated within reach, but now I can capture them, and they anchor me to a decision I should have taken months ago. “We’ll go home soon, okay?”

My fingers sift through his hair, finding something soothing about the action until he falls asleep. I sneak away to my bedroom and find my phone. It rings and rings, until voicemail answers. I don’t leave a message. What would I say? Sleep is light. In and out. I sit up at the sound of cars driving by, but none stop long enough to allow anyone to get out, and there’s no eventual knock on the door.

The knock comes when I’m pouring a bowl of Cheerios for Victoria. Lack of sleep fogs my brain and slows my movements. James sits quietly at the table picking at his toast, his eyes rimmed red to match his nose.

Derek’s hair is a mess as if he’s been running his fingers through it for hours. His cotton tee shirt is caked with mud, and there’s a bright red scratch across his arm. He glances down at his appearance.

“Sorry,” he says. “No time to clean up.”

“What happened?” I can’t decide if I’m asking about his appearance or the story of whatever kept him from fulfilling his promise to his son.

“I’ll tell you later.” He moves toward James and squats in front of his chair. “I’m so sorry.” He moves a lock of hair off James’ forehead. James drops to the floor and runs to his room. Derek’s eyes widen like he’s lost to what happened. He starts after James.

“I’ll do it,” I tell him, giving him a good once over. Besides being dirty and scratched, he looks plenty fine to me to have been where he was supposed to last night.

“James, you don’t run off when someone is offering an apology,” I say when I spot his feet sticking out from under the blankets .

“I wanna go home,” he screams as if I hadn’t heard him ever before.

“Hey.” I turn on my stern mom voice. “Don’t yell, and I’m working on getting us home.” I’d found a decent enough one-way flight for us in a few days. “Let’s go out there and hear Derek out.”

“Why?” This is not the James I’m used to.

“Because I say so, and it’s the polite thing to do.”

“I want to call Uncle Mike.”

I should say no. I should tell him he should talk to Derek. He taps his feet together, letting the anxiety run through him.

“You can talk to Mike after you hear Derek out.”

“Why doesn’t he leave? Why is he here? I didn’t want to come here. I didn’t want to leave home.”

I can tell him to walk out there and let Derek apologize or give in to what he wants. “After you go out there and let Derek explain.”

“Mom, please?” It’s the helplessness in his voice tears through my soul. What can I do?

“James, please talk to me about your feelings.”

“I want to go home.”

The pain in his voice is the knife that severs the already frayed rope connecting me to his father. This isn’t where we belong. I’ll never deny Derek time with his son, but I’m not letting James feel this hurt again.

I remind myself I was doing the best I could with the situation.

But there is no place like home. And home is thousands of miles away.

James is unhappy. I brought him here. I put him in this position. I did this to him. I didn’t keep him safe. I broke my promise to them.

I leave for my bedroom in search of my phone. If I stay, James will feel untethered, like I do. Instead of giving James time to get used to Derek, I let him barge into our lives like a storm. And here we are, dealing with the cleanup.

“I’ll be home on Tuesday,” I inform Mike, keeping my voice low. “James is so unhappy. I don’t know what to do.”

“Coming home is a start.” There’s no snark in his voice. “Get the little guy over here, where he knows he has a family.”

Holly’s kids, Tanner and Thomas, are close in age. And Ryan’s team and their families gather every week. I miss them.

“Time to come home,” Mike says. “Derek’s life isn’t his own, he doesn’t own a house. He doesn’t have his feet planted, Emily. I’m sorry, but as much as he may be James’ father, parenting is a full-time job. Not when it’s convenient.”

Derek is invested in our happiness. He won’t be with us every day, but neither was Ryan. Going home is going back to the family we know. The family that will be there for us whenever we need them, like they have been since Ryan left us. If Derek can visit, we can work on his relationship with James. A band tightens around my throat, and my eyes sting. It’s been a whirlwind summer, and now it’s time to settle down. Do what’s best for my children.

I carry the phone to James’ room and put Mike on speaker for him. I let them talk and leave the door ajar.

“A walk?” I ask Derek when I find him sitting next to Victoria as she finishes a bowl of Cheerios.

My grandmother comes over as soon as I text her, and we walk outside.

“I’m sorry,” he says again when we start down the sidewalk.

“It doesn’t matter. He’s upset. I don’t know if he will get over it soon.”

“It does matter. It wasn’t some thoughtless choice I made. Tyler needed us. He’d been there for me during my worst. I couldn’t leave him.”

I lift my hand up, my blood heating at the memory of tears streaming down James’ made-up face last night. He’d given his all to look like a star on stage. I left such a delicate moment up to Derek. I could have protected him. I could have been the one to come up with some other option. I fell for Derek’s charm. I fell for his bone-melting kisses. I fell for his fucking French toast.

My job is to protect James and Victoria and I failed. I failed them. I failed myself. And I put Derek in this position. It was everything I didn’t want. It was everything I justified to keep James a secret. I can’t go back in time, but I can make better choices in the future.

“We’re heading back on Tuesday,” I announce and Derek stops walking. I do too. “He’ll be more comfortable there. He’ll have the familiarity of his home. The door will always be open for you. He’s yours to build a relationship with, but it’s me who will help him manage expectations. I rushed into this with you. It wasn’t fair to you or to him.”

“One time and you’re ending this?”

It’s like the pain has eaten away at my heart. “I want a family, Derek. A real one. I want my kids to have a solid foundation, a good start to life. Everything I never had. My grandparents were always struggling, and every day was unpredictable. They weren’t supposed to be raising two little ones. They were supposed to be retired, not doing a second round.”

“Emily,” Derek starts.

“No.” I don’t let him talk. “I know you have money. I know you can give us everything, but it’s not the money. It’s a home. A place they can be themselves and count on me being there for them. A constant that will never change. All I have is the house in Maryland. And that’s what I’ll protect. For them.”

I can’t watch either of my kids hurt. They need a solid foundation. They need stability. This isn’t the life that I imagined for them.

My vision blurs, and I exhale through the burn in my sinuses. “I’m ending us. I didn’t want any of this.”