Chapter 10
CHAPTER TEN
CERYS
N ick looked as if I’d slapped him. That raw, startled expression was so unlike his usual bravado that I nearly apologised on the spot. But I couldn’t take a single syllable back.
His mouth worked, but no sound came out.
He swallowed hard, guilt etched into the lines around his eyes. “I couldn’t come back. The band needed me.”
“And I didn’t?” My voice wobbled despite my best efforts. “Or do I not count, since I can’t pack a concert venue?”
He ran a hand over his hair, still damp from the shower we shouldn’t have shared but did. “I thought you didn’t—” He exhaled, a tremor catching in his throat. “I was sure you hated me.”
My grip on the table tightened. “Maybe I did. But not because of Gareth’s accident.”
His eyes flickered with uncertainty. “Then why?”
I glared at him, but what else was I meant to say? I wanted him — no, I needed him — to listen to me.
We couldn’t move on unless he did, and I really wanted to fucking move on.
I leaned forward, heart pounding. “You were supposed to be my friend too, not just Gareth’s. When I needed you most, you vanished .”
His eyes clouded with guilt. “I?—”
“Was I prickly with you?” I pressed on, cutting him off.
He shook his head.
“Did I scream at you or tell you never to call me again?”
“No.”
“Then where the fuck did you get the idea that I hated you, Nick?”
Nick dragged a chair back and sank onto it, the dull scrape echoing in the kitchen. “I’ve spent eight years blaming myself for Gareth’s death. If I’d been home that night, if I’d driven him—” His voice broke.
A shock tore through my system. All this time, he’d been shouldering that guilt? My throat tightened, but I refused to let sympathy crowd out my anger.
“I was sure you thought the same.” Nick’s breathing turned ragged. “I thought staying away would spare you more pain. I… told myself you didn’t want me screwing up your life any more than I already had.”
“So you decided for me that I’d never want to see you again? Brilliant. I was already grieving one person. You made me grieve two.” Unshed tears burned in my eyes, but I refused to cry in front of him again. “I hated you for running away. Not for Gareth’s accident.”
He flinched. “I didn’t know.”
“No,” I muttered, “you didn’t bother finding out. Not even when my dad died.” The old hurt rose up, raw and choking.
He opened his mouth, but no words came. His stare dropped to the tabletop as though it held answers. “When I did try, you told me to get lost.”
I grimaced, recalling that day — up to my elbows in uncooperative curds, exhausted and in no mood for his cameo appearance. “You popped in for all of ninety seconds. I was furious because you acted like you could waltz in, ask how I was, then dash off again.”
His breath hitched. “You told me to go back to my stage.”
“No. I told you to fuck off and stick your drumsticks up your ass.” My cheeks heated with shame.
A flash of sorrow crossed his face. “I drove home thinking that was it — that I’d do more harm than good if I tried again.”
My heart twisted. “Maybe I wouldn’t have been so harsh if you’d sent so much as a text before two years had passed.”
He nodded miserably. “I’m not arguing. I messed up every way possible. The band needed me and I leaned into it.”
A lump formed in my throat. A tear slipped down my cheek. I let it fall. “I needed you, and you were gone.”
His head snapped up, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. “I’ve hurt you so badly. I never wanted that.”
“Funny how intentions don’t match outcomes.” I pressed trembling fingers to my temple. “Why did you even come back?”
“I couldn’t stay away forever. Meinir deserved some time, and I—” He pressed his lips together, seeming to brace himself. “And I guess part of me hoped I’’d run into you. To see if you could ever forgive me.”
I considered him, every one of my old scars throbbing. My breath caught. “Do you have any idea how often I wished you’d walk through that door? I mean after...” I pinched the bridge of my nose, frustration pulsing through me.
Would it have been different if I’d put on a polite expression the day he’d dropped in? Probably. But it wouldn’t have changed the pain he’d caused me.
“Why didn’t you call?” My voice trembled with pain. “You still haven’t answered that properly. Were you scared you’d hear me cry? Scared I’d tear into you?”
Nick inhaled sharply. “Yes. At least I could control the script in my head. If I heard your voice, it’d confirm every awful thing I already believed.” He grimaced. “And then I dodged you whenever I came home. Too afraid I’d see your eyes and know exactly how badly I failed.”
I brushed the back of my hand across my cheek, collecting another errant tear. The overhead light flickered briefly. We both glanced up, but it held steady.
“You truly believed I’d hold you responsible for Gareth?”
“Why not? I blamed me.” His blue eyes glistened. “Every single day. Still do, if I’m honest. If I’d been there, if I’d driven, if I’d stopped him — maybe he’d still be alive. Maybe you wouldn’t look at me like I’m a traitor.”
The storm hissed against the window, reminding me how precarious our situation was — both physically and emotionally. My anger warred with the surge of pity that threatened to soften me. I fought it back.
“Stop saying things like that. It wasn’t your fault.”
“I know. But if I’d been there, he’d still be alive.”
He blew out a breath and shook his head. Tears clung to his lashes, making my heart twist in sympathy.
Thunder rattled the kitchen again. His eyes flickered with something I couldn’t read, like regret and longing twisted together. My heart hammered, half expecting him to spout some excuse about how he’d never meant to hurt me. But he only stared, chest heaving.
Nick swallowed hard, throat bobbing. “I know I can’t erase what I did, and I’m truly sorry for all the pain I caused you, but tell me how to fix this and I’ll do it. Anything.”
My mind flashed to the way he’d pinned me in the shower, the swirl of lust and guilt that followed. I swallowed, gripping the chair so tightly it hurt.
“We can’t just pop open some magic kit and rebuild the last eight years. We move forward, or we don’t.”
“Forward how? You said you hated me?—”
“Jesus, do you never listen?” Frustration coated my words. “I hated that you could chase your dream and leave me stuck in the same town, burying the dead. I hated missing you so much it hurt.”
“I missed you every day.” Nick stood, crossing the kitchen in two strides, stopping just short of touching me. “When I finished a show, I’d wish you were there. Then I’d remember what I’d done. And I’d drink a little too much or find another distraction.”
I stared up at him, my heart in my throat. “So you want to keep drowning your regrets?”
“No,” he whispered. “I want—” He hesitated, gaze drifting to my mouth, the tension between us crackling. He stared at me with a helpless expression.
“I want you,” I said, forcing down the buzz of fear that he’d reject me. “Not as a friend. Not as a guilt-ridden ghost trying to compete with Gareth’s memory. You , Nick. I want you to stay because you want me , too. And if you can’t admit that, you can walk out that door when it’s all clear.”
He inhaled sharply, gaze flicking to the windows where the rain beat a relentless tattoo. “Cerys…”
“Don’t ‘Cerys’ me and then shut down. You said you want to fix things — so do it. Stop fidgeting like you’re ready to bolt.”
His hand curled at his side, knuckles whitening. “It’s not that simple.”
“Make it simple.”
“You don’t—” He pinched the bridge of his nose and groaned. “If I agree to that do, it’ll feel like I’m betraying Gareth, like I’m?—”
“Stealing his girl?” My voice shook with anger. “He’s dead, Nick. We didn’t have a crystal ball. If he’d lived, maybe we’d have broken up. Maybe not. But you’re still here, and I’m still here, so who the hell decided you have no right to me?”
He winced. “He was my best friend.”
“I know.” The lump in my throat thickened. “But you’re trying to use a dead man’s memory to run my life. I’m done with it. I’m done letting your guilt dictate my choices. I’ve loved you — God, probably since I was a teenager.” A tear spilled down my cheek, but I ploughed on, refusing to let him slip away into another excuse. “You love your band. Good. I’m not asking you to quit. But if you’re going to flee the second a gig is scheduled, don’t tell me it’s because you’re ‘protecting’ me. Own it: you’re scared to love me because you think Gareth’s ghost will pummel you in your sleep.”
Nick’s cheeks flushed, shame and yearning flickering in his eyes. “I am scared,” he whispered. “I keep seeing his face whenever I think of you?—”
“Well, I see his face every time I look at you.” Tears burned my eyes, spilling over at last. “Doesn’t mean I’m not ready to live again. You think I never questioned my own feelings?” My voice cracked, but I straightened my shoulders. “I’m done questioning. I’m telling you now: I want to move on, with you, because I love you more than I can stand. If you can’t handle it, go. I won’t beg.”
He clenched his jaw, tears pooling in his eyes. His mouth opened, but words didn’t come. Instead, he stepped closer, close enough that all I had to do was sway and I’d brush against him.
“Cerys…” He reached a trembling hand up to cup my cheek. “I’ve been in love with you since we were kids. Since that stupid sack race where you tripped and made us lose, and I didn’t care because you smiled at me like I’d hang your whole world.”
He actually said it. Effervescent bubbles exploded in my stomach. “You loved me even then?”
He smiled, shaking a little with a strangled laugh.
“How could I not? I thought I was just being loyal to Gareth, giving him the first shot. But after he… it felt like the worst betrayal possible to want you. So I stayed away.”
I narrowed my eyes on him and covered his hand with mine. “That’s the problem: you decided for me. You never asked how I felt. Guess what? I’ve wanted you too, you colossal idiot.”
“God,” he breathed, voice a reverent hush. “You have no idea how often I’ve dreamt of hearing that.”
I curled my fingers into his shirt. “Then hear it again. I. Want . You. Not a once-off in the shower, not a pity fling. I want you in every messy, complicated way.” I swallowed a sob. “I can’t keep living in this half-life where I pretend I don’t care that you’re gone. I won’t.”
Lightning streaked across the sky, illuminating every conflicting emotion on his face.
“I can’t tell you the guilt will vanish overnight. It won’t. But Gareth…” I swallowed hard, my throat tightening. “Gareth loved you. You were his brother in every way that mattered. And if he could say anything right now, he’d tell you to stop torturing yourself. He’d tell you it’s okay to be happy. To be with me if that’s what makes us happy.”
Nick exhaled, his breath trembling against my palms. “I can’t just flick a switch and stop feeling like I failed him.”
“I know.” My voice cracked. “But you didn’t fail him by loving me.”
He blinked hard. “Cerys?—”
“Don’t,” I whispered. “Don’t say my name like that and then back away again. If you truly believe Gareth would hate you for loving me, you’re wrong. And if you’re just afraid, admit it and let’s fight that fear together. But don’t pretend this is about loyalty to him. It’s about you thinking you don’t deserve happiness.”
He closed his eyes. “I can’t walk away from you. Not anymore.”
A shiver tore through me. “Prove it. Don’t blame the band, or me, or Gareth. Own that you want me and that you’ll stay.”
He dragged in a shaky breath, his hand hovering near mine. “I’ve wanted you for so long, I don’t remember not wanting you.”
My heart lurched, tears prickling again. “Then be brave enough to say yes.”
Nick’s hands fell to my waist and he pulled me flush against him. “Yes.”
I grabbed his collar, yanking him into a kiss that was raw, desperate — laden with every moment we’d lost. The world vanished, replaced by the slide of his lips and the thunder of my pulse. We clung to each other, each groan and gasp pulling us deeper. The warmth of his chest, and the faint scent of my shampoo on his skin all collided in a dizzying rush. I pressed myself closer, fisting the fabric of Gareth’s old T-shirt at his shoulders, the irony not lost on me. But Nick’s warmth and the trembling press of his lips wiped every thought clean except for him.