Chapter 33
Ronan
There are moments in life where time stands still.
I once believed this was a lie… a dramatic flourish used by poets and songwriters. Something that sounds so beautiful but lacks real substance.
A convenient falsehood.
But as I track that single tear that paints a watery trail down Cameron’s cheek, the world around us freezes, and time no longer exists.
My mind races as panic claws at my chest, and I’m desperately searching for flaws in Cameron’s argument, frantic for any reason he might be wrong.
I can’t be the one responsible for the destruction of his home.
I can’t.
But even as I search for excuses, my heart knows it’s true.
“I was out hunting the day the attack happened,” he whispers, swiping at the tear, and another contrite laugh blows from his lips. “Gods, I was a terrible hunter. Couldn’t track for shit… probably couldn’t tell if someone was following me, either.” He takes a few deep breaths, calming himself before meeting my eyes, and I can’t read what’s written inside them. “You said your platoon tracked a hunter back? That’s how you found the village?”
The world fast-forwards as realization hits me, time ticking away once again as I shake my head. “Cameron, no. Whatever self-blaming bullshit you’re about to unleash? Don’t say it. Don’t even fucking think it.”
He lets out a harsh snort, a leer playing on his lips while his gaze stays locked on the houses. “Just answer the question. Was it a hunter that led your troops to the village? Was it a hunter that allowed them to be slaughtered?”
“Yes,” I whisper, and he nods, mouth pulling tight and eyes squeezing closed. “But it wasn’t you.”
“Oh, come on!” He jumps to his feet, and I scramble to follow. “Do not patronize me. You’ve never bothered trying to spare my feelings before, so don’t fucking start now.”
“That’s not what I’m doing. Cameron, I understand this is a lot to take in, but listen to me when I say it wasn’t your fault.”
“How can you know that?!” he bellows, shoving at my shoulders, and I let him push me back a step.
“Because it wasn’t ! The hunter they followed back was killed.” He’s reaching for me again when the words hit him, so instead of pushing me, he stumbles and falls against my chest. I wrap my arms around him and hold him there, forcing him to listen. “The trackers trailed a bald man with a long gray beard, and he was at the village, still cleaning his kills, when we invaded. It wasn’t you. ”
His quiet sob is muffled against my chest as the fight disappears from his body, and he sags against me. “It wasn’t my fault?”
“No, mo’sziv, it wasn’t your fault.” Stuttering, gasping breaths shake his shoulders as the dampness of his tears soaks into my shirt. I hold him there, refusing to let go.
Terrified that once I do, he’ll never come back.
He cries, and my hands never stop moving as I memorize every dip and curve of his body. Salt coats my lips as I kiss each tear away, barely fighting my own as he releases the guilt that’s been gripping him for six long years.
Slowly, his sobs become hiccups, then fade into random shuttered inhales, and dread twists my stomach as I wait for the reality of our situation to register in his mind. “Cameron?”
“Yeah?” He sniffles again, burrowing his face into my chest.
My mouth moves but can’t form the words as my hand drags up his spine, soaking in the weight of him against me. He looks up, his chin digging into my sternum as his tear-reddened eyes land on mine.
They’re so fucking blue.
I never knew I had a favorite color until I saw them. Always thought the blood orange sunset of the other side was as perfect as the sky could get, but now I know better.
I’ll never look towards the heavens again without seeing him.
Loving him.
“Ro?”
I can’t meet his gaze.
Can’t risk what I might find there .
Can’t stand watching the azure skies of his eyes turn stormy and gray.
The sanctuary we’ve sought for so long may now be a curse, and I stare out at the silent village. “Do you hate me?” I finally ask, voice quiet.
“Hate you?” Breath shaky, I nod as I pull him tighter against me. My muscles strain with the force of it, and I’m probably hurting him, but I need to know that he’s here.
That he’s mine , for however long I’m allowed to have him.
“How many people did you kill that day?”
The question takes me by surprise as I glance down at him. “None.”
“Were you the one who alerted the military? Did you bring those soldiers out here to search?”
“No, but—”
“Did you give the orders?” he asks, voice stern despite the sniffs that punctuate his words.
A frustrated sigh pushes from my lips. “No, but—”
“What would have happened to you if you had refused? If you’d fought back against your commander?”
“I would’ve been killed,” I answer without hesitation, and Cameron buries his face in my chest again.
“You would be dead, and I’d never have found you. You never would’ve been mine, and I would’ve died in that prison cell. These questions that I’ve carried, wondering what happened to my village, to my mother, would remain unanswered, and that guilt that’s weighed on me for years would’ve eaten at me until I took my last breath. ”
Throat tight, I swallow, then do it again before I can force the words. “So, you don’t hate me?”
Glasses askew, he nuzzles into me, a bittersweet smile tugging on his lips. “I mean, I really enjoy getting you riled up and pissy. Fighting with you is probably my favorite pastime, but hate you?” He lifts on his toes and presses a kiss to my lips, the scent of his skin and the familiar weight of his body as much a piece of me as my own heart. My chest rises in the first full breath I’ve taken since I saw him fall to his knees. “No, I love you too much to ever hate you.”
“Gods, Cam,” I whisper, overwhelmed with a flood of emotions, and I squeeze him until his breath explodes from his lungs in a whoosh of air. “I thought you were going to despise me… that you’d leave me, and I’d have to spend the rest of my life—”
“Missing me?” he offers, still a little sniffly.
“Well, no, stalking you, but it would’ve been rough.” We both choke out a strangled laugh, and as I take several slow breaths, the tension in my chest eases. “How do you feel about staying here?”
“That’s the plan, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, but a hell of a lot has changed in the past ten minutes.”
He’s quiet as he says, “You worked so hard to get us here.”
“And if there are too many memories here for you to call it home again, I’ll work just as hard to find somewhere else where we’ll be safe. You are my home, Cam, not a place. Not some building… not four walls and a roof. It’s you . If you tell me you want to live out the rest of our days in a grass-covered hut in the middle of the forest…” I trail off, humming thoughtfully. “You know, that sounds like a very safe idea, actually.”
Cameron laughs and swats at my chest before turning to look into the cluster of houses once more. “There are no bad memories here for me, Ronan. This is what we’ve been searching for, and it feels right. Everything about this feels right.”
“We need to make sure there’s no one here.” My eyes move over the rows of dilapidated buildings, realizing they will take a lot of work before they’re comfortable again. It doesn’t look like anyone has been here in years, likely since the day the military marched away and left it empty.
But this world has taught me one undeniable truth—nothing is ever truly as it seems.
We must be sure.
Cameron glances over his shoulder in the direction we came. “We should tell Nyx where we’ll be, because it’ll take a while to clear the camp.”
“Alright,” I say as he untangles himself from my arms, reaching to weave his fingers through mine, and together, we head back to the van.
Evening light reaches through the trees in rays, dust floating in the orange glow that paints over the ground. It took several hours to search the buildings, but we’re confident that no one is here .
Some homes are in better shape than others, and every one of them needs repair from the years of neglect. The forest expanded its reach, leaves and vines climbing walls and pushing through windows, while water and wind have also done their parts. The solar panels and the well are both in a state of disrepair, but Cameron is confident he can get them running.
Nyx waits inside the van, and he only acknowledges us with a glance when we climb back into our seats. “We checked every building in the village, and there’s no one here. It’s safe,” I tell him as I crank the engine, maneuvering us through the woods until we drive into the clearing. He sits up taller, peeking out the window at the row of buildings with a mix of intrigue and fear as we roll to a stop.
Boomerang bounds from the van, sniffing and searching everywhere as her tail zips back and forth in a blur. Nyx pulls his knees up to his chest, his wide eyes darting around in an anxious flurry of movement.
I squat in front of the open door, and he meets my gaze as I gesture towards Cameron’s old home. “Cameron and I will live there. If you’re more comfortable being close to us while you get used to being here, that’s fine.” He glances at the house, then back at me, and I’m gentle as I speak again. “You’re free here, Nyx, to do whatever you want. If you’d rather stay with us, you can. If being alone sounds better, find a place that you like and it’s yours. Turn it into a home.”
His gaze falls to Boomerang, then returns to mine, asking the question with his eyes. “Boomerang normally sleeps inside with us, but I’m sure we can figure something out if she makes you feel safer.” He gives another of those abrupt nods as his fingers grip the outside of the van, limbs shaking as he inches forward. I busy myself looking around to avoid staring as he plants his feet on the ground and stands.
Wide-eyed, he studies every building in the dim sunlight of the late evening. Suddenly, his face lights up and a hint of a smile crosses his mouth, giving me a glimpse of the man he used to be before this life broke him. He clutches my sleeve and tugs, then rips his hand away and cowers, hands over his head.
My heart breaks a little more.
“Hey, hey, it’s alright,” I soothe, and he peeks at me before his eyes fall back to the ground, tiny body trembling. “We’re your friends, Nyx, and you don’t have to fear us. We won’t hurt you.”
“What’s wrong?” Cameron whispers, approaching from my side.
“He’s afraid because he touched me.”
“We’re your friends,” Cameron echoes in English, and Nyx’s eyes bounce between us a few times.
“Fr-frand?” he asks, the word sounding so fragile it might shatter.
Cameron’s face lights up as a massive smile spreads across his mouth, full of teeth. “Yes. Friends.” Nyx swallows, his giant eyes glassy as he blinks rapidly, dropping his gaze down once more.
“You were about to show me something?” It takes a few breaths before he lifts his head and nods. One of his long, deep green fingers points towards the end of the street to the smallest cottage, completely overrun with vines.
“You like that one?” I ask, and he nods again. A small smile twitches on my lips as I watch the budding excitement on his face. “You like the plants, don’t you?” His head bobs in another nod as I chuckle, and he’s alarmed by the sound for a moment, shoulders drawing tight. “Do you want to sleep there tonight?”
He glances at Boomerang, and I turn to Cameron. “He wants Boomerang to stay with him in the cottage at the end.”
“Of course!” Cameron nods and gives him a smile, and I see the relief in Nyx’s face. The three of us walk the pathway and push through the door of his chosen home.
Inside, the cottage is filthy and in need of repairs. Most of the furniture is in good shape, though, just needing to be cleaned.
Nyx doesn’t notice any of that.
He stares at the green hue of the sunlight as it shines through the leaves curtaining the windows, and for the first time, there’s peace in his eyes. We gather a blanket and some food for him, then leave him and Boomerang to settle in for the night.
Cameron collects a change of clothes and a couple of blankets for us as well. I grab snacks and a few water bottles to tide us over until tomorrow, and we head to our house.
Our home.
The hinges groan in protest as he pushes open the door. “It’s so weird being back here.” His gaze sweeps over the dusty furniture and cobwebs that drape in the corners of the silent, still room. In the kitchen, a pot sits on the stove with a stack of glass jars beside it.
“Canning, then,” he mumbles, with a small, sad curl of his lips.
My chest aches .
Has a monster ever died from a broken heart? The emotional whiplash of the day has me reeling, and I’m not sure mine can take much more.
“You’re okay staying here?”
“Yeah,” he says, turning to me with a smile. “It’s strange… after all this time, it’s familiar. It’s still home.” He leads me towards the hallway, giving me a tour even though we’ve already walked through the house.
It makes him happy, so I give him my full attention.
“Bathroom is here, which will be better once we get the well working. My bedroom was the smaller one, but we’ll take the bigger.” We step inside, the faint sunlight bright enough for him to stare at the large bed and wooden dresser with a fond smile.
Cameron slides open a drawer, letting his fingers run over the stack of clothing. “I bet some of my mom’s stuff will fit Nyx.” He closes the drawer and turns to the bed. “Come on, let’s get these dusty old sheets off and wash away the day.”