Chapter 17
“Do not try me,” Celeste said. “Do not trifle me! I know what you are up to, and you are playing a risky game!”
Celeste waited until we were far from Rick to start. She was in a serious mood. I wanted so badly for Rick to kiss me and hoped he might come and rescue me. Still, there was no hope. He had no idea how angry she could be. She’d work on starving me for the next week or send me to my room without reprieve. It was always the same. I was biding my time before I could be free. Even if I didn”t submit, I knew fighting did little good.
“Do you know what happens to women who go to bed with men? Do you know what happens?”
“Grand-Mama, I was not doing anything. He was teaching me to dance, which I need to know how to do! I must be able to dance at my wedding.”
“We’ll see if we even get that far. You hope he has your best interest in mind!”
I sighed, frustrated.
“He will get you pregnant, leave you, and take your virtue. It will destroy our family. His will remain just fine because he’s a man. You don’t understand it. He has you under some spell. Wait until the wedding night. No more kissing him!”
“Grand-Mama, if I am to marry him, should we not be close? So what if he kisses me? Won’t he have to do much more on the wedding night?”
“We will talk about that when the time comes!”
“Grandmother, I know what sex is!”
She looked angry.
“Listen to me, Alexandra. You are a little minx as your mother was, aren’t you? She and your father never struggled in that area. He always chose her because she had him wrapped around her little finger. That’s good for you. You have beguiled Rikard. However, you are playing with fire running around with him unchaperoned.”
“I will do as I please! If you don’t believe me, put me on the pill. I would gladly take it!”
A look of pure hatred spread across Celeste”s face. The pill was a badge of honour. By taking it, I”d buck all religious conventions and suggest to Celeste I refused to fall pregnant right away. It was me asserting my independence. She wanted none of that. That I had even genuinely solicited Rick’s attention surprised both of us. Celeste found it offensive, but it thrilled me.
She wound up, ready to strike me when a voice spoke from the void.
“If you hit her, she’ll have a bruise, and you won’t be able to cover it,” it said. “Bad for the pictures, yes?”
It was Astrid. She, Odette, and Ingrid stood there, pyjama-clad with crossed arms. They were all here to back me up. Celeste found herself outnumbered.
“And if his family finds out she’s damaged goods, it will cause suspicion.”
Celeste remained enraged but let this one go. She dropped her hand, thinking better of it.
“Be dressed early tomorrow. We need to measure you and your finger, and we need to prepare. There is no time to dawdle. If I catch you alone with him again, it will be your head. I won’t allow you to marry him.”
I teared up, suddenly feeling vulnerable and even more tortured. I wanted to spend time with him. This was a crush, but I was on the cusp of making it more than that. I fought my tears until she was out of view when I turned to Astrid. She carried me back into my room. I sobbed into her shoulder while all four of us sat on my bed. No one spoke. The little girls were confused.
“What did you do?” Ingrid asked. “You were alone… with Rick?”
“Don’t ask stupid questions!” Astrid told her.
“He invited me to the ballroom. It was all innocent. He’s teaching me to dance. I need to learn. He was very sweet.”
“Can he teach me?” Odette asked. “In exchange, I could play on the piano. I would so love that!”
“Let’s not all overwhelm Rick with requests for dance lessons,” Astrid said. “We’ll scare him off.”
“Well, I will need chaperones now,” I groaned. “All we were doing was dancing.”
“We knew she’d go ape after you made out with him at the polo.”
“You did what?” Odette asked.
“You made out with him?” Ingrid chimed. “What was it like? Did he kiss you?”
“Was it like totally amazing?” Odette asked.
“We didn’t make out. We had one kiss.” I blushed. “It was nice. He is a good kisser.”
“Would you do it again?” Ingrid asked.
All the blood rushed to my face.
“She would!” Odette laughed.
I giggled. “Okay, yes, I would. I would do it again in a heartbeat—and would have if she didn’t show up and start screaming.”
Astrid slapped my knee. “I told you that you’d regret not going.”
“He’s so handsome. I hate it. And he’s so good at dancing. I don’t deserve someone who can dance.”
“You do, too!” Odette said. “Oh, darling sister, this is what we all need.”
“I do not need a man!” Ingrid protested.
“I would not throw a man like that out of my bed,” Astrid said. “I wouldn’t marry him. I’m not interested in anything like that, but I am not you.”
“Well, you aren’t about to marry him, are you?” Odette asked.
Astrid shrugged. It was like she was telling me to move forward and just do the thing.
“I… we have… fallen for one another,” I said.
Astrid and I had not told the little girls what was going on. They wouldn’t understand and while they couldn’t gab to anyone of importance about it, we knew it would confuse them. So, even to them, I kept up the ruse. It hurt me in the pit of my stomach. It was a white lie but a lie all the same. Saying all of it also made it feel real.
“So, given that I’m Queen and life is complicated, we’ve decided to marry,” I said.
“How did he propose?” Odette brimmed.
I froze.
“He didn’t,” Astrid said. “Funny story. She proposed to him after the polo. Sort of off-the-cuff. He accepted. He’s cool like that. Secure in his masculinity. It’s the twenty-first century!”
Well, that would be interesting to tell him. I was unsure that would fly with Rick. He did not strike me as the type of man who would tolerate a woman proposing. However, I loved Astrid’s original assertion. This was a fairytale I could get behind.
“So cool!” Ingrid brimmed.
“That’s so… not what I expected. Where is the ring?” Odette asked.
“They are fitting it,” I said. “I will have Mamma’s ring. It was willed to me.”
They stared at me, tears in their eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I said. I felt even more guilty for using the ring for this sham marriage we had agreed to.
“No, no, it’s beautiful,” Astrid said. “You should have it and keep it in the family. She wanted you to have it. Papa would be happy, too.”
I teared up again. “I wish she were here. I wish he was, too. I miss her every day, of course, but I need her here for this.”
“You have us,” Astrid said. “Always and forever. Okay? We will make it through. We will get out of the regency and help you get on with your life. A real life.”
“Yes, a life with a wedding and a husband and babies,” Odette said.
“Maybe in a bit on the babies,” Astrid winced.
I nodded in agreement.
“Will he sleep in here with you?” Ingrid asked in a sweet baby voice. “Does that mean we cannot come in here anymore?”
“Oh, sweetheart,” I said. “He will be here sometimes in the future, but you are always my sisters. He won’t come between us. He likes you three. We will have a different rhythm someday, but we’re always sisters, okay?”
They nodded.
“Now, it’s bedtime. We have a full day tomorrow of preparations… whatever that means. So, off to bed!”
The little girls scurried off. Astrid remained.
“Stay with me,” I asked. “I don’t want to be alone.”
“Okay,” she agreed.
Astrid pulled the sheer curtains of my canopy bed closed so we were in a dark tent. When we were little and Mamma was sick, we’d do this. And when she passed, we did this, saying it warded off evil spirits. Namely, we lied to ourselves and said it kept Celeste away. Cuddled together in the dark, we tried to fall asleep.
“You fancy him, don’t you? Admit it!”
“I do. I thought she would wring my neck. I wanted her to leave. I wanted him to kiss me again. This time, it would have meant something. Astrid, the way he was holding me… it made me feel faint. It made things… tingle. But if he’d even so much as asked me about sex, I would freeze up. I know nothing. I don’t even know how to learn?”
“Books,” Astrid said. “I will give you some of my favourites and you can learn everything.”
I was doubtful that her books would teach me anything. However, they couldn’t hurt as I was a rank amateur, and must figure it out in a few months. I’d soon be lying in bed with a man who knew far more than I did.