Chapter 8
“ T his is the room I was staying in, up until I moved into the house boat,” Eden tells me as she opens the window to let in some fresh air. “Ignore what Anita was saying back in the bar room, you're safe here. Raze has men on the gate twenty-four hours, front and back, and Sasquatch has moved into a room on this floor for the foreseeable,” she assures me.
“I feel safe.” I take a look around me and think about the last time I was in one of these rooms. I was staring at Ruckus, watching him sleep. Allowing myself to imagine how good we could be if things were different. Not that any of it matters now. He made it quite clear this morning that nothing’s ever gonna happen. I was just another hook up back then, and now I’m Wrath’s poor, abused little sister.
I know I have to accept that, but it’s hard when I keep thinking about the way he kissed me.
“You can fix it up, make it more homely.” Eden tries to sound encouraging as her eyes move around the sparse room.
“I don’t plan on staying very long. I just need to find my feet and figure where I’m heading.” I match her enthusiasm and start to unpack the gym bag full of someone else's clothes. It’s been a while since I saw Eden and she’s changed a lot. She’s just as pretty as I remember, and as kind… which makes me feel even more guilt.
“You know, Aaron is really glad to have you here,” she tells me, looking a little awkward. “You should give this place a chance before you write it off.”
“This place isn’t an option,” I assure her. I need to make that as clear as possible. I don’t have a plan yet, but with some time and a little breathing space I’m sure to come up with one.
“Freya, you can tell me to mind my business, but I think it should be. We all have bad memories of this place, but are you really prepared to sacrifice the good ones you could make because of them? Aaron is your brother, he loves you, and Ruc?—”
“What the hell has Ruckus got to do with any of this?” I snap at her.
“He was the one who came to get you because he knows you belong here too. He knows Aaron needs you.”
“Well, Aaron wasn’t around when I needed him. He left and he didn’t look back. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t do the same?” I question her, fully aware of what a bitch I’m being, but I can’t allow myself to get close to these people, it’s not safe for me to stay, even if I wanted to.
“Leaving here is your brother's biggest ever regret, and he’s doing everything he can to fix things. This is a fresh start for him, and for me… We’d both like you to be part of it.”
“You're good for him,” I tell her. “I’m glad you found each other again.”
“Me too, and I really hope we can be friends while you're here. We never really hung out before and I’d like to get to know my sister in law better.” Her smile is so warm and genuine, I can see why my brother is so in love with her.
“I’d really like that too,” I tell her weakly.
Eden gives me a long, tight hug before she heads for the door, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
Being back here makes it hard for me to forget all the wrongs I did, wrongs that I will never be able to undo. I lie back on the bed and close my eyes, trying to find some clarity, but there's nothing but guilt and regret. So many people have been affected by the actions of my past, how am I supposed to ignore that and act normal? When thinking becomes too painful, I get up and head to the balcony to get some air. One of the girls I met in the clubhouse earlier is sitting alone on the bottom of the stairs, Alicia, I think her name is, and I decide that since misery loves company I should join her.
“You okay?” I take a seat on the step beside her.
“I’m fine.” She smiles, looking at the sonogram picture in her hand with tears in her eyes.
“Congratulations.” I tilt my head to look at it from a different angle
“Thanks.” She puts it back in her purse and closes it up.
“So I’m assuming the father is one of them.” I lean back against the rails, hoping that this girl is open to talk. I’m done with thinking about my own problems today, and it’s not even lunchtime yet.
“He was, Griller died right after this little one was conceived.” Her hand slides over her tummy.
“Jeez, I’m sorry.” I study the girl a little harder, wondering how the hell Griller managed to hook himself up with someone so… nice.
“I don’t need sympathy. Saul’s gonna take care of us.” She wipes her tears and tries to give me a convincing smile.
“Saul’s your brother, right?” I have to check because I’ve met a lot of people in a very short space of time.
“Yeah, and he’s been great.”
“But…” I let her know I ain’t buying it.
“There are no buts. Everyone around here's been awesome. We’re both really lucky.” Now, I’m not sure if it’s me she’s trying to convince or herself.
“But you don’t want any of those people, you want him, right?” If she’s not gonna come out and say it, I’ll have to do it for her.
“Oh, hell no! Me and Griller weren’t—it was just a one-time thing. A moment of madness.” She laughs to herself
“That figures.” It all starts to make better sense.
“Oh… and I’m not a—” She glances around us before lowering her voice. “I’m not like the other girls that hang out here. Griller was my first?—”
“You really don’t have to explain yourself to me.” I take her hand. “I was actually wondering how Griller managed to convince a girl like you to sleep with him.” I laugh, and I’m relieved when she does too. I really should think before I speak.
“I guess none of that matters now. I’m having his baby, and I have to do the right thing. I just have no idea how to do it.” She closes her eyes and sighs.
“Okay, back up. Explain what all this is about.” I’m sure she’d be better off speaking to Eden or the prez’s old lady about this. I was never very good at reading between the lines and I certainly never had many girl friends growing up. Everyone was too scared to hang out with me because of who my daddy was.
“I had an appointment earlier today, that's where I got the picture,” she starts to explain.
“And is everything okay?” I check, realizing that this isn’t just a distraction anymore. I’m invested.
“Everything’s great. I’m having a perfect, healthy little baby.” She smiles and shrugs at the same time.
“So what's the problem?” I laugh.
“The problem is, I haven’t told any of Griller’s family about that perfect little baby yet, and I’m not sure I want to.” She looks at me for a reaction. “You can say what you're thinking, it’s selfish of me.”
“That’s not what I’m thinking at all. You're that baby's momma, it’s your body, your baby. You have every right to feel protective. It’s your job.” I never really thought much about having kids myself. It would have never been an option while I was with Drew.
“You're right, but they deserve to know. A woman lost her son. Greaser lost his brother, and me, keeping this baby secret from them, seems so cruel. I’m just scared. I’m scared of everything these days,” she admits with a half attempt of a laugh.
“Hey.” We both look up and see Vike walking toward us from the clubhouse.
“You left without showing me the mugshot.” He pulls his keys out of his cut when he stops in front of us.
“I didn’t know if you’d be interested.” Alicia smiles as she takes the sonogram picture out of her purse and hands it over to him.
“Would ya look at that? He’s got his daddy's bald head.” He chuckles to himself before handing it back.
“I don’t know if it’s a boy for sure yet,” Alicia informs me. “And most babies are born with hair, right?” She bites down on her bottom lip.
“I’m sure your baby will be beautiful.” Vike winks at her before disappearing through the arch and starting up his bike. He’s another of the members who hasn’t changed much since I’ve been gone. He’s still handsome in that rugged, Norse god kind of way, and I’m figuring by the way Alicia watches him so dreamily that she’s noticed too.
“You okay there?” I laugh at her when she makes a long, dramatic sigh.
“Me? I’m fine, I was just… It’s the hormones.” She blushes pink.
“I’m sure it is, and I’m sure you’re going to find a solution to your problem, you just need a little longer to think about it. Give yourself that time.” I stand up and dust the back of someone else's jeans off. “Now who do I talk to about borrowing a set of wheels?” I look around the yard expecting to see more members.
“I can drive you somewhere, where do you need to go?” Alicia stands up herself, then pulls her car keys from her purse.
“I have to go back to the showground,” I tell her confidently, even though I’m not feeling very confident at all.
“You wanna go back?” Her voice lifts a few decimals.
“I need to get my stuff and I want to say goodbye to some people,” I explain. I’m not going to spend my time here wearing other women's clothes when I have a wardrobe full of my own.
“I get that, but we can’t go there alone. What if… Didn’t your boyfriend do that to you?” She points to my face as if I need reminding.
“He did, but I don’t have any reason to be scared of him anymore. I don’t belong to him or that show.” I keep my head held high.
“You're right about that, but your brother would skin me alive if I took you there without backup. I don’t know what the rules used to be but?—”
“Alright, you make a valid point. We’ll get some back up… Yo, Vike…” I call out his name, interrupting the conversation he’s having with Rocco. I’ll give the kid his dues, persistence must have paid off in the end. He’s a prospect now, and I can’t help wondering how Finn and Davy would feel about that. Vike looks back up at me and frowns. I’m surprised at how easy it was to just slip back into princess mode. When my dad was president, I was used to having these bad assed men jump through hoops on my demand. But my dad ain’t president anymore… he’s a traitor.
“How would you like to help out two damsels in distress?” I grab Alicia's hand and drag her into the parking lot. She’s resistant at first but being closer to Vike soon has her all gooey again.
“What’s the problem?” He looks intrigued as he drags his hand through his impressive sandy colored beard.
“I need to pick up some things from the trailer I was living in back at the showground and Alicia, here, thinks it’s best we take a strong, reliable man like yourself for protection.” I blow some smoke to ensure I get what I want
“I didn’t specify that it had to be you,” Alicia leans forward to add, while looking at me like she wants to kill me.
“And you cleared this with Wrath?” he checks, looking reluctant to believe me.
“Of course, I did.” I speak up before Alicia can rat me out. I don’t want any more fighting. I just want to grab my stuff, say goodbye to Magna and Josh, and come back. Drew should be in the hospital after the beating Ruckus gave him. There’s no way he would dare lay a finger on me now. Even after such a short time away from him, I feel so stupid for giving him my fear. I’ve known the man for five years and I’ve never seen him beat on anyone except for me and his brother. Being back here around these men makes me realize what a pussy Drew really is.
“Keys.” Vike holds his hand out to Alicia.
“Oh, you're driving?” She bats her lashes as she drops them into his palm.
“Of course I’m driving, and Rocco, if you happen to see those damsels in distress, tell ‘em I got sidetracked… Damsels .” He shakes his head and laughs as he makes his way over to Alicia's car and adjusts the driver's seat so he can get in.
“You have to think of a kick ass one liner to say as you leave.” Alicia looks back at me from the passenger seat she’s in. This must be the perfect distraction from her troubles because the excitement is all over her face as Vike pulls up outside the entrance. “And make sure you strut as you leave.”
“I’m not gonna see him. He was in pretty bad shape when I left and I’m gonna ask his brother to get my stuff out the trailer for me.”
“You know me and the guys could have done this for ya,” Vike points out.
“I know, but I made some good friends here. I allowed Drew to control so much of me, I won’t let him stop me saying goodbye.”
“Well we’ll make sure word gets back to him.” Alicia goes to open her door and Vike immediately leans across her and slams it back shut.
“Where do ya think you're going?” He frowns.
“To help Freya get her stuff.” She stares back at him.
“I don’t think so, the atmosphere beyond those gates is gonna be cold and I ain’t having you in that kinda situation, not in your condition,” he tells her.
“Really?” That dreamy look is right back on Alicia’s face again.
“Hell no. Your brother would kill me.” He crushes that dream with one sentence and when she looks back at me, she subtly rolls her eyes.
“You stay here with the doors locked and you call if anyone approaches you,” Vike instructs before looking back toward me. “And me and you are in and out, we get your stuff. We leave.” He gets out of the car and opens the back door for me, then leans down and peers at Alicia through the window until she presses the automatic lock and gives him a sarcastic smile.
“So this show… it’s all stunt acts, right?” he checks as we step closer to the turnstiles.
“Pretty much.” I nod, feeling a lot less brave. What if I do come face to face with Drew? What if I imagined what Ruckus did to him was worse than it really was…? Suddenly all this seems like a bad idea.
“So there ain’t no clowns?” Vike clears his throat and looks around nervously.
“No clowns,” I assure him, smiling to myself when I realize that everyone, no matter how big and tough they are, fears something.
It’s how we deal with that fear that shapes who we are.