Chapter 20
P sychopaths don’t need sleep.
I remember hearing that while I was watching a true crime documentary with Willow. She had fluffy socks on her feet and they were resting on my lap. and she was s. I didn’t realize back then how precious those moments were. I took them for granted.
I sit outside Lettie Wilkins' house where I’ve been all night with no sleep, and wonder if maybe I’m a psychopath too.
I’ve learnt a lot of things since I discovered Willow was dead. I’ve learnt that hell can be right here on earth. I’ve figured that loving someone is the most dangerous thing a man can allow himself to do. and I found out that Jessie’s old lady ain’t the only person who can find people.
Lettie Wilkins wasn’t hard to locate, especially since her daddy purchased this house using money from one of the Reapers' legit business. There’s always a paper trail somewhere, and there's always some bright spark who knows how to follow one. I found that bright spark through Connor Monkhouse, the club’s new lawyer. Sold him some story about how I wanted to find a cousin who left my tribe a few years before I patched, and he put me in touch with his boy genius.
Ronnie’s daughter being located here only proves that he’s closing in on us, his plans to form a charter near Long Beach may have failed once before, but he’s building again. He’s taken on leases for a garage, a smokehouse, and a strip joint, right here in San Diego, less than two hours away from our clubhouse and a long way from Sacramento.
I don’t know if Raze is aware of that, I left the club and my brothers behind as soon as I found out my girl was never coming home. I couldn’t sit back and wait for Raze and the others to decide how the Reapers got punished. And now here I am in the car I hired using the fake ID that I also got from boy genius, with my own plan.
Hate, spite, and rage is what drove me to come here. I know that I should have ridden straight back to Colorado. Returned to the reservation and tried to cleanse myself of the dark, retched thoughts that are inside me. I could have tried to forget. But I don’t wanna forget. I don’t want to be free of her. I want Willow with me always, even if I have to carry in grief.
Another thing that I want is justice. I want Ronnie Wilkins to feel pain, and on the inside… where it really hurts. I want him to think of all the things he should have done differently, to blame himself. To have thoughts in his head that eat away at him, and there's only one way I can do that.
I’ve never killed a woman before, it goes against my moral codes, and the clubs. It would have been an unthinkable task, but I feel nothing but pain anymore, there's no room for conscience.
Ronnie Wilkins took Willow from me, and I will take his daughter from him. If he wanted to protect her, he should have hidden her better.
I lean over the seat and snort another line, fueling me with a little more energy before I take the gun from the console.
This girl may have to die, but I don’t want her to suffer. She won’t have asked for this life, she was born into it, just like Willow was. She won’t have to endure the torture Willow did because I’m not a monster.
The weapon feels heavy in my hand, and it shakes as I check that it’s loaded for the tenth time.
I look up in my rear view mirror waiting for someone to come and stop me, but there's no-one around. I close my eyes and see the look of shock and disappointment on Shaniya's and Troj’s face. I think about Abby and Willow, watching me, feeling helpless because there's nothing they can do. I’m too far gone to save. The hate in me is too strong, evil has finally taken my soul, and Lettie Wilkins is about to pay the price.
I stare at her door for another hour and a half before it opens and quickly sit up straight in my seat, as I lower the window of the car.
My hands are still shaking as I lift the gun, ready to end her life, then when I see what she has in her arms I automatically drop it.
“Shit.” Boy genius never told me the girl had a kid. I watch her struggle with the baby seat as she carries it down her path toward her car and suddenly reality hits me like a truck load of shit.
I’ve lost my fuckin’ mind. I was gonna kill this girl. I was gonna kill an innocent young mother just because of who her father is.
I am a monster.
I quickly reach into the footwell where I dropped the gun. There's only one person here who deserves to die today and that's me. I’ve hit rock bottom, and the only person who can save me isn’t here anymore.
My hands shake worse than before when I find the handle and raise the gun to my temple. Closing my eyes, I look to see Willow's face. I want that to be the last thing I see, maybe somehow if I do, it’ll help me get to her.
“Wait…” I hear a voice, but it’s not Willow’s.
“Please… Don’t do that.” I open my eyes and when I turn to the voice I see Lettie fuckin’ Wilkins crouched outside my window.
“Listen…” She looks back toward her car in a panic. “I have my son in the car and he’s just a baby, but I want to help you. We can talk.” She looks so scared, and it makes me wonder if all this is in my head and I’m holding the gun at her.
“Why don’t you tell me your name? I’m Lettie.” She smiles at me, looking all hopeful.
“Tawk. My name’s Tawk,” I answer, trying to make sense of all of this.
“That’s unusual and real cool… It’s good to meet ya, Tawk. I wish we were meeting under better circumstances but?—”
A squawking noise comes from her car and she looks back over her shoulder again.
“Mama’s coming, Rory,” she calls out.
“Tawk, I’ve never been in a situation like this one before so I don’t really know what to say to you. Is there someone I can call? I have my cell phone in my diaper bag, but I need you to take that gun away from your head before I leave you to get it.”
“There’s no one you can call,” I tell her, closing my eyes and willing for her to go away.
How is the person I was considering killing just minutes ago, here trying to save my life?
“I know that can’t be true. Think… Think real hard about all the people it would affect if you pulled that trigger. I’m one of them. I don’t wanna start my day by seeing someone’s brain get blown out.” I turn my head and look at her, I guess she wasn’t lying when she said she didn’t know what to say.
“There, eye contact, that’s good. Keep your eyes on me.” She breathes like she’s relieved as I do as she says, and I realize how kind her eyes are. Big kind eyes just like Willow’s.
“We’re in this together now, Tawk, I’m involved.”
“Your baby, he’s crying,” I tell her, shaking my head and wondering how I could have even thought about taking her life.
“I know, I can hear him, and it won't hurt. They say it’s good to let babies cry from time to time. Stops them from getting spoiled.” She laughs.
“I’m sorry.” I break down in tears, dropping the gun from my hand and letting my head fall onto the wheel. “I’m so fucking sorry.” I grip both sides of it and sob.
“That's it, let it all out, You're not alone.” Lettie strokes my back and stays with me, whispering sweet words that I don’t deserve.
She made me empty my gun of bullets before she let me leave. She also gave me her number and told me I had a person now.
What happened today wasn’t just a wake-up call, it was a reckoning, and on my way back to the motel I've been staying in, I picked up some scissors so I could mark it.
Standing in front of the mirror, I take a long, hard look at myself. I’m a man who's loved, and who’s lost. I may not have always fought fair, but until today I’d always seen myself as a good man.
I lost that good in me. I’m not who I’m supposed to be. My tribe wouldn't recognize the man in this mirror, neither would my brothers in Colorado. It would be easy to return to them, to remind myself of who I was, and hope to get him back. But I need to get justice for Willow…The right way. She was born in Long Beach. She was raised there. She’ll remain here and so will I. I’ll feel her in wind. I can touch her in the sand and I will let her spirit guide me on the right path.
A new path.
I take the scissors from the bag and grip hold of my hair, cutting it loose and letting it drop into the basin.
Today the kindness of a stranger saved my life. Willow wouldn't want me to waste the time I have on this earth. Our spirits are destined for each other, and when we find each other again, I want her to be proud of the man who stands in front of her.
I leave my hair in the basin, and the hire car in the parking lot. Then, getting on my bike, I head back to Long Beach to grovel for forgiveness.