Chapter 44 Before #5 - Thea
The sounds of forks hitting plates is all I hear as we eat dinner. No one talks. Mateo and James try to get me and Sophie to eat more every now and then but that’s about it. Max is only here sometimes, though we’ll hear him in the home gym working through this the only way he knows.
It’s been two weeks; it feels like two years. Connor’s gone. He was so worried about losing me, I never considered I’d lose him. They say he lost control of the car; I don’t believe that. Connor didn’t speed to a dangerous degree that he’d lose control. How does that even happen?
His parents insisted I stay with them after that first night.
It felt like my own personal hell being in our apartment knowing he’d never be back there.
That his scent would eventually fade. His scent that felt like home.
My only home that mattered these last eight years.
It’s gone with him. That apartment isn’t home, not without him.
We would’ve been on our trip this week, finally bonded.
I’ll never experience that with him. Or anyone, he was it for me, all I wanted.
I feel like a burden to his parents. They’re grieving too, they shouldn’t have to deal with me on top of that. I was useless when they planned the funeral. Honestly those days I felt like I was on another planet. I’d have to be right, in order for there to be a world without him in it.
I need to go back to the apartment to change out my clothes. Also I’m hoping his clothes left there still have his scent, even just a little bit.
After dinner, not that we ate much, I head out. But not before James notices. “Where are you going?”
“I need to go to the apartment for more of my things.” My voice is void of emotion. Is this my new default state? Better than before when I was crying constantly.
“Do you want one of us to go with you?” he asks softly. I shake my head no and head out without another word.
Everything is just as we left it. Except for the pile of mail I just brought in.
It smells like us, but not. There’s a staleness to the air.
Heading straight for his side of our closet, I bury my face in his clothes.
Relief floods me that his scent is still here.
Tears immediately start to fall from my eyes.
I hate it. I’m sick of crying. Just let me enjoy the only piece of him I have left.
I can’t even bring myself to go in my nest. It’s supposed to be an omega’s safe space.
The barrage of memories I fear will flood me if I even look at it.
It will break me even more than I already am.
I put one of his hoodies on, huffing his scent like it’s my own personal drug.
Walking mindlessly through the apartment, I stop at the pile of mail.
I don’t know what makes me look through it but I do.
Immediate regret comes when I see the letter from him. With shaking hands, I open it.
Bile rises in my throat as I read the letter. Then without warning I run into the kitchen knowing I won’t make the bathroom, throwing up into the sink.
I’m so sorry for causing you this pain. It’s for the best so we can start fresh together. Build a new life, a new pack, together, just the two of us.
He…he killed Connor. I’m throwing up until there’s nothing left and even then, I keep going.
That can’t be what happened. Risking a glance back at the letter clutched in my hand, I read over his words.
This time I don’t throw up, not that there’s anything to, my knees buckle and I’m collapsing to the floor.
This happened because of me. He did this to get at me.
He’ll do anything to get me that’s been made clear based on his deranged letters.
I don’t have anyone left for him to take.
No, wait, that’s not true. Connor’s parents.
They wouldn’t be a threat to him, right?
My mind is whirling. I can’t take that chance.
He’ll come for me and I can’t let them be in the crossfire.
I can’t have anyone else’s death on my conscience.
I don’t even know I’ll survive having Connor’s there.
Rising up on shaky legs with my decision made, I rush through the apartment and prep some bags for the trip.
Mainly my clothes and some toiletries. I decide last minute to pack up Connor’s clothes into large freezer bags, packing one with my clothes.
The others I’ll bring with me to his parents’ house.
They should have something with his scent. Especially when I’m gone.
I make arrangements, moving money into an easier account to access, one that hopefully can’t be traced.
I don’t want to take any chances. Knowing he watches me based on his letters, I’ll go back to Connor’s parents’ house tonight as if everything is as normal as it can be right now.
Then leave late tonight. I doubt he’s watching me at two or three in the morning.
Connor’s parents. I can’t just disappear on them. That on top of losing Connor would destroy them. But it’s better they’re alive, right? I need to explain why I’m leaving. Pulling out a pad of paper, I begin writing. The irony of me leaving them a letter is not lost on me.
On my way back I stop at an ATM to get as much cash out as I can of what’s left and fill up my car with gas. When I get back to the house it’s quiet. James is the only one I see in the living room as I try to head upstairs unnoticed. Which of course fails when he says, “Get everything you needed?”
I turn to look at him. Gods he’s trying so hard to help keep everyone together.
I hate myself even more for what I’m about to do.
“Yeah, enough for a while longer,” I say as I begin to head upstairs.
I stop suddenly to add, “James, thank you for everything. Not just these past couple weeks but everything you guys have done for me.” Don’t cry Thea, do not cry.
“Of course, honey. You’re family, we’ll always be there for you,” he says sincerely.
Nodding quickly, I go up the stairs, the first tear falling once I’m in my room with the door closed. I don’t deserve them. Especially not when I’m the reason their son was killed.
I just need to disappear. Keep them safe and disappear from this life. The idea of starting over somewhere, especially without Connor, makes my stomach turn again. I have to do this.
We can’t let him win.
I won’t Connor, I won’t let him win, not in the end.