Chapter 41
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
JESSIE
I t’s been four days since I walked into the ER and was told my mom hadn’t made it.
My agent has advised that, this time, I don’t try to bury the news, that I show the public the real Jessie Callaghan.
Except I thought I was starting to like him, and now I feel like I’m right back to nothing.
If there’s nothing I like about myself, then how will the world find any redeeming feature?
All her death took was a slip at the top of the stairs on the wobbly legs I’d watched her climb so many times.
All she needed was to get medical attention sooner.
All her safety would have taken was for me to step up and get her to Seattle.
Life today could’ve looked so different.
But it doesn’t.
The picture of me as a baby, sitting on her lap while we watched TV together, was taken by Papa, and it now sits on my nightstand. Courtesy of Mia and her quick thinking before we left the house.
When I roll over onto my back, the morning light streams through the blinds. The ceiling is still just as white today as it was the day before.
“It happened again,” Mia whispers, turning over and resting her head on my chest, her dark hair fanning across my skin.
“I know,” I reply, motionless.
She trails her red fingernails across my stomach, and the feeling of her touch is the only comfort to me. “Did you get any sleep?”
Shaking my head, I already know that tonight will be the same. “Every time I start to drift off, it happens. Like someone’s choking me.”
Waking up, gasping for air, is nothing new to me; it’s been happening for as long as I’ve been battling my mental health. Since we got back to Seattle, it’s gotten way worse. Last night, just as I was falling asleep, I bolted up in bed, gagging and retching.
She yawns against my warm skin and then looks up at me, her chin resting on my sternum. “I wish I could do something to help.”
I want to keep her awake at night for all the right reasons. Not this.
But, fuck me, is she so naturally beautiful.
I reach across and curl my hands under her bare ass, lifting her onto me. We’re both naked, and her gorgeous breasts and pink nipples harden in the morning air. The white bedsheets are a perfect contrast to her dark hair as it falls in front of her face and shoulders.
Threading each hand through hers, I intertwine our fingers and rest our joined hands on each of her thighs. “What are your dreams, Mia?”
She pinches her brows together, confused at the random question.
Except it’s not random at all.
“Dreams … you mean, like, my ideal career?”
She shifts forward slightly, the warmth of her pussy wrapping around my hardening cock. Despite my state of mind, my body still responds to her like the tide going out each day. Without question and like it’s the most natural thing in the world.
I squeeze her hands in mine. “No, Sweetheart. You’ve already got all that down. What are your dreams?”
“You mean, like, personally?”
I nod and wait for the answer I’m already sure she’s going to give.
Her face instantly morphs from consideration to delight. “Oh. Well, that’s simple—you, me, and a great big Saint Bernard.”
I blow out a laugh. “What? You’ve never even mentioned a dog, let alone a huge one before.”
She shrugs and briefly lets go of my hand, pushing her hair back over her right shoulder. It’s then I notice the red fingerprints that still mark the side of her throat.
My heart plummets at the sight, landing in the lobby three floors down with a thud.
He’s still out there, having made bail.
Reclasping our hands, she leans forward, her peaked nipples rubbing across my chest.
When she places her mouth over mine and kisses me, my pulse goes from barely registering to beating uncontrollably.
I release her hands and flip Mia onto her back, spreading her legs and settling between them.
When I pull the white sheets up and over our heads, I find her neck and will the physical memories away with my mouth.
The truth is, the marks will fade, but she hasn’t spoken to me about the effect the attack has had on her. She told the police she was fine and made her statement to press charges against my dad.
I get the feeling my girlfriend is just as skilled at hiding her scars as I am, and the thought chips away at my armor just a little more.
“What about you, Jessie? What are your dreams?” she asks, tilting her head to give my lips better access to her neck.
I pause against her skin, realizing this isn’t a question I can answer easily.
Feeling the way she stiffens in response to my hesitancy, chips at another piece.
“What do you want, Jessie?” she repeats, her voice less relaxed than before.
My lips ascend the side of her neck, and I close my eyes. “You,” I whisper, feeling the way her muscles relax.
Squeezing my eyes a little tighter, I know I owe her all the honesty I’ve always promised. “For as long as I’m here, on this earth, while blood is running through my veins, my existence will always revolve around you. Even if one day, your dreams don’t involve me, mine will always be of you, Mia.”
She pulls back and twists her head to face me. I can’t make out if it’s hurt or confusion in her green eyes. “You think there will be a point when I don’t want you anymore?”
I go to kiss her, words failing to express what I mean when she pulls back again.
“No, wait. You don’t get to kiss me right after you just said that.”
“Mia—”
She holds up a hand, her eyes glassy. “No.”
“That’s not what I meant. I wasn’t questioning your love for me; I was …” My frustration ramps up to the point where I want to tear my hair out at the roots.
How is it possible that I’m fucking everything up right now with the one person I have left?
With a palm to the side of her face, I wipe a stray tear away with my thumb. “Every image I have of the future belongs to you. Not to hockey, not to anyone else. They’re all of you. There just aren’t that many of them. I can’t see beyond today or even how I’m going to get out of this bed. My mind is at sea, and I’m drowning. You’re my life raft, holding me up, but I know I’m getting heavy. What happens if my weight is too much? What if I stay here, trying to tread water, but slowly, I’m sinking us both? What if I never stop blaming myself for my mom? What if the temptation to head three blocks down to the nearest liquor store gets to be too much? What then, Mia? Would I be your dream then?”
She presses her lips into a thin line, and I watch as her throat works, the marks still just as prominent.
“What you just described is the very definition of conditional love.”
“I described a situation where I’d never blame you for walking away. I’ve always told you if I’m going down, you aren’t coming with me.”
“Except my love for you isn’t like anything you’ve ever had, Jessie. You don’t get to have a say in that either. You are my priority, and you always will be. I love you unconditionally.”
I close my eyes and let the sincerity in her words sink in, willing them to override my years of fucked-up love.
When she reaches down and brushes her soft palm over my cock, it stirs to life, and I focus back on her.
“Make love to me, Jessie. Because I need you. I need us.”
We haven’t had sex since before I left for Dallas—by far the longest time we’ve gone. Even when I’ve been away with the team, we’ve gotten each other off over the phone.
Every cell in my body wants the woman lying in front of me, asking me to bury myself inside her.
“Me too, Sweetheart.”
She’s already wet when I swipe a hand along her entrance.
My girlfriend whimpers quietly, pulling my face down to hers. “If your mind won’t listen, then maybe your body will.”
“All I want is to be the man you absolutely deserve, Mia.”
“Then show me.”
As I hover over her, I kiss my way down her neck, stopping at the red marks. “No one is ever going to hurt you again, and that includes me. You’re so fucking precious to me.”
She knows my tongue is making its way to its favorite place when I circle it around her navel and lift one of her legs into the crook of my arm, spreading her wide open.
Sliding all the way to the bottom of my bed, I tease her clit with the tip of my finger, and she squirms, the tiniest giggle rippling out of her.
With my finger now pressing just inside, I pause and look up at her as she pins her bottom lip between her teeth, gazing down at me. “Want to talk me through the best way to finger you?”
She smirks. “Are you testing if I’ve been listening in class?”
A smile pulls at my lips, and I’m confident she’s the only one who can—and will ever—make me feel this way. “You bet I am.”
When I push deeper and let a second finger join, her mouth falls open, and she presses her head further into her pillow. “Deeper. Go deeper.”
I do as she says and reward her by sucking her clit into my mouth and teasing it with my tongue.
“What now?” I ask, releasing her with a pop. “I’m at your beck and call, but I need more instructions.”
“When you get as deep as you can go, you need to curl them forward and find that wall.”
“Like this?”
“Yesss … right—there,” she cries as the first release washes over my fingers.
“You’ve done so well, Mia. Want me to take over?”
She nods quickly, and I can’t help but let my smile grow wider. The look of pure pleasure painting her face somehow finds its way to me, inflating my chest.
When I withdraw my fingers, she whimpers at the loss. Her eyes quickly fall to my mouth, and she watches me lick my favorite flavor from them.
“Don’t worry, Sweetheart. My cock can fill you up good too. This time, I want you to ride me, but go slow. I want to watch the way I satisfy you.”
When I fall to my back beside her, she climbs over me, straddling my hips and lifting up onto her knees.
She takes my cock into her hand and pumps it once, lifting her eyes to mine. “This reminds me of the time I straddled you in your car at the theater. I wanted to sink down onto you then too.”
As she lowers herself, she has zero hesitation, taking me all the way inside her until I bottom out.
Mia throws her head back and rocks her hips over me once, twice, and on the third time, she moans into the silence of the room. “Oh my god, you feel so good, Jessie.”
I bring my hands to her hips and steady her, wanting her to take from me what she needs, happy to let my body show her how special she is.
“You gonna come for me?”
Her hands come to my shoulders as she continues to ride my dick, slow and deep. I know I’m not far away from coming inside her.
“I’m so close. I can feel it building,” she gasps.
When she loses rhythm, the overload of an orgasm crashing toward her, I take control and sit up slightly, drawing up my knees and spreading them apart. “I got you, baby. Let go for me, Mia. Come all over me.”
On a cry that I’m sure everyone in downtown Seattle can hear, she comes hard, and I feel the way she drowns my dick, tipping me right over the edge with her.
“I’m coming too.”
Continuing to rock over me, she makes sure I’m fully finished as I shudder beneath her, digging my fingertips into her soft flesh.
Pieces of her hair stick to her slick forehead as I roll us over and hover above her, my cock still deep inside.
With a gentle kiss to her forehead, I rest mine against hers, our erratic breaths mingling. “I love you.”
“I know you do,” she says, running a hand through my messy hair.
Tipping my chin up with her finger, she asks me for the eye contact she knows I’m struggling to give right now, as my mind is racing with confusing emotions. “Always.”
The eighteen-year-old Mia, sitting on the hood of my car and asking for the same thing, flashes in front of me. Except this time, it’s not a question.
With every goddamn ounce of me, I want to say it back. I want to promise her my always. I want to promise her I can hold it together.
I swallow thickly as she watches me fight a battle with myself.
“It’s okay, Jessie. I’m not asking this time. I’m telling you. You came back to me, you fell in love with me, and I fell right after you. It’s okay to trust me when I say it’s forever.”