Chapter Twenty
Men are afraid of feelings. Never admit to havingany.
M ellie watched as Trevor’s eyes widened in surprise. She heard his breath catch, and then the pleasure hit him. The biologist in her was fascinated by the ripple of his flat belly, the thrust of his hips, and his powerful ejaculation. The woman in her wondered at his panicked expression when she’d told him she loved him. Was he horrified by the thought? Or was she misreading an expression that might be a simple grimace brought on by his release?
She started to pull away, but he gripped her wrist, holding her close. His body was still quivering. His eyes locked on hers, but he clearly didn’t have the breath to speak. So she waited, and she watched, mentally cataloging every minute movement of his body. She told herself it was for her scientific studies. After all, she’d never seen a man ejaculate before. This was an important piece of her education. But a tiny part of her realized that she was running away from the shock of her impetuous revelation. She’d only just now realized her feelings. She hadn’t intended to tell him about them tonight. Perhaps not ever. And yet somehow, the words had tumbled out.
And now… Now he was catching his breath and drawing her hand up to his mouth to press a long kiss to her knuckles. It was nice, surely, but what did it mean? She wanted to ask, but her mouth was frozen shut.
“Mellie,” he breathed. “God, you’re amazing.”
Well, that was good, she supposed. But he didn’t say more. Instead, he rooted one-handed into his undone pants and pulled out a handkerchief. He cleaned himself up with quick, efficient strokes all while keeping a tight grip on her with his other hand. She tried to judge his expression, but his eyes were on his task, and his face gave nothing away.
Then he was done. He pushed up to a seated position and tucked himself away. She made to get off the bed, but he still wouldn’t release her. And the longer it took for him to speak, the more her emotions seemed to wither inside her. They became tinier and colder until she thought her entire chest would freeze.
“Mellie, have you ever experienced orgasm with anyone else? Alone even?”
“You know I haven’t,” she said, her voice tight. How could he ask that when she’d just told him she loved him?
He nodded as if she’d confirmed exactly what he’d suspected. “Biology carries emotions with it. And an orgasm brings intense emotions. When I was a teen, I fell in love with a whore my father had given me for my seventeenth birthday.”
She blinked. “Your father gave you a whore?”
“I suppose she was more like a mistress. I had her for a month, and she taught me everything, even things I’m not sure I wanted to know. She pleased me in every way possible. Not just in the bedroom, but we talked about everything. She really listened to me, and that was such a rare thing in my life.” He shrugged. “She even pretended to a fascination with beetles.”
“So you loved her.”
“I was seventeen. Of course I loved her. With every fiber of my soul. I was going to marry her. Even bought a ring.”
She glanced down at the cricket ring on her finger and tried not to think about a teenaged Trevor giving something that special to a whore. “What happened?” she asked, dreading to hear the answer.
“My month was over. I went to the house where she lived and found my father there instead. He was furious with me.”
“You told him your intentions?”
“Didn’t have to. She’d told him. Said that she’d run off with me if he didn’t pay her to leave me alone.”
Oh dear.
“Five thousand pounds.”
A fortune.
“She left for the Continent that very day.”
Mellie realized that Trevor would never have let her go. Not sent away by his father without a word to him. He was too determined and methodical in his passions. It was part of what made him a good scientist. “You must have followed her.”
He nodded, and she now saw how his lips were tight, and his gaze had canted away from her. Was he ashamed? He’d been a boy. She used her free hand and gently touched his face. Eventually, he looked back at her. “What happened when you found her?”
He swallowed. “She was with her true love. A footman in my father’s household. They were taking my father’s money and starting a new life somewhere else. And with five thousand pounds, they could live quite nicely. For a time.”
She heard the bitterness in his tone. She didn’t truly understand finances. Not like her uncle did. She knew that five thousand pounds was a good beginning, but not enough for a lifetime. Not without proper management. Which meant that eventually the money would have run out.
“Oh Trevor, did she come back?”
He squeezed her hand, and she was startled to see how severe his expression had become.
“You don’t have to tell me,” she began, but he shook his head.
“I haven’t thought about this in years. It shouldn’t pain me at all.”
But it did. How could it not? “She was your first love. Of course, it still pains you.”
He looked up, his expression rueful. “First love? Goodness, no. Well, yes in that it was so intense, and I had been so sure. But Mellie, I’m a man who falls in and out of love relatively easily. By the time I’d met Francesca, I’d already loved half a dozen girls. Village girls, maids, even a housekeeper.”
“Did you propose to them?”
“I certainly thought about it.”
So he made a habit of this, then. Proposing to girls and not carrying through. In and out of love, and none of it real. Her hand went slack in his, but he continued to grip her as he finished his sad tale.
“Frannie came back a year later. She begged forgiveness, spouting a sad tale of woe.”
“You didn’t believe her.” It wasn’t a question. She could see in his face that he knew the woman had been lying.
“Honestly, I’m not sure. She certainly regretted life with a footman who couldn’t support her. Certainly not as well as life as a courtesan. But it didn’t matter.”
“Because you didn’t love her?”
He looked her dead in the eye. “Because my affections had moved on. Because I’d learned by then that my heart is a fickle, uncertain thing. And by the time she came back, I couldn’t understand what I’d seen in her in the first place.”
She narrowed her eyes, watching the tiny shifts in his body. A month ago, she wouldn’t have seen it. Truthfully, she wasn’t entirely certain now. But the tightness of his shoulders, the studied casualness of his gestures—all of it indicated a lie. When Trevor was in the depths of science, his body was focused and economical. He moved exactly as he needed to and no more. When he was with her in dalliance or even dancing, there was a simplicity to his body. His gestures were fluid, but still with a coordinated purpose. It was only when he lied that his body seemed to disconnect. His torso tightened, but his hands fidgeted. His mouth and jaw moved when he spoke, but his head was statue still.
“You still love her,” she guessed.
His eyes widened in horror. “God no!”
Well, that was emphatic. “But something about her appeals to you. Something makes her betrayal still hurt.” She touched him. Their fingers were still entwined, but this time she touched his chin and forced her to look directly at him. “Don’t lie to me, Trevor. I couldn’t bear it.”
His eyes softened, and she saw a flash of regret even though his words were painfully clear. “The truth is that there is a strong correlation between the body and the emotions. Surely you, as a scientist, understand that.”
“That’s not love,” she said, though in her heart she wondered. And damn him, he knew how to make her uncertain.
“Are you sure? I was sure when I was seventeen. And before that when I was sixteen. And before that—”
“I’m not a child.”
“But you are young in this.”
He was right. She knew he was, but inside, everything felt like it was calcifying to chalk. She felt white and hollow and so very brittle. “You loved her,” she whispered, though now she wondered. And she might as easily have said, I loved you, but now, I’m not so sure.
“I remember her,” he said clearly. And then his voice roughened as he released her and reached for his shirt. “As you will remember me.”
Her gaze shot to his, but she only caught the side of his face as he began to dress. He wasn’t leaving her now? He wasn’t abandoning her—
“We have a plan, Mellie,” he continued. “We shouldn’t abandon it because of…of…”
Love? Biology? What?
He turned to look at her. “Of feelings that will pass.”
She shook her head trying to deny everything that he said, but she couldn’t. It was too well reasoned. “What if they don’t pass?”
“They will.” He took a deep breath. “You need to touch yourself, Mellie. You need to feel these things when I am not around. You’ll see that it’s just as intense when it has nothing to do with me.”
His eyes were steady when he spoke, but his hands were jerky and disconnected as he buttoned his shirt. He stood awkwardly beside the bed even as his words came out with scientific precision.
“Will you do that, Mellie? Will you…explore by yourself?”
The very idea repulsed her. Do these things without him? She couldn’t. And yet she still found herself nodding. If he wanted it, then she would try. She had to find out if it was true. Would she feel the same things when alone?
“We need to get you home, Mellie. Soon. But if you want to…” His voice broke, and he had to clear his throat before he continued. “If you want to explore on your own, I can step into the other room and wait—”
“No!” she gasped when she realized his meaning. Did he truly want her to do it now ? With him on the other side of the wall?
“It’s a simple biological process, Mellie.”
So he kept saying. But if she were to do it, she would do it somewhere else. In secret. Sometime when she didn’t feel so utterly wretched. So she reached for her corset. She thought her chemise or gown might be destroyed. There had to be some outward reflection of the way she felt. But everything appeared fine. Crushed, perhaps, but nothing that couldn’t easily be set to rights.
“I’ll be a moment,” she whispered.
He sketched a quick bow. “I’ll find us a hackney. There’s a lady’s cloak in the hallway that you should use.”
“Whose is it?”
His cheeks flushed slightly, and he shrugged. “This is a bachelor household, Mellie. It’s there for general use.”
For ladies who wanted to leave anonymously. Of course.
Meanwhile, he pulled on his coat. “I won’t be long.”
And then he was gone.
*
Trevor was shaking as he hailed a hackney. The depth of his perfidy was overwhelming him. To suggest, even by implication, that what he shared with Mellie was nothing more than biology was like calling the Bodleian Library nothing more than a place where some scholars kept a few books. The scale was completely wrong, and the feeling was totally absent.
Every moment with Mellie blazed in his mind as nearly reverent. What they had shared tonight was as holy to him as the library was to the Oxford dons who maintained it. And he had just pretended that she was no more than a fuck with a good whore.
He was sick from his own lies. But what made it so much worse was knowing that he hadn’t lied to her. He had spent a decade learning the joys of physical release. He knew how special Mellie was. But she had been an innocent before their time together. Of course, she would whisper that she loved him. Such was the nature of first times.
But he couldn’t lie and say her love was real. What she felt was her first sexual experience. And that was so easily confused with love.
So he had done the honorable thing. He had explained as clearly as possible what was happening, and he had left her alone rather than ravish her, as he desperately wanted to do. And now, he would take her home.
He found a hackney quickly enough. It was the time of night for sordid liaisons to end and lightskirts to go home. That anyone might class Mellie that way made him ill. That he was the one who’d done this to her made it even worse.
He was grim-faced when he went back upstairs. He said nothing as he settled the cloak about her head and shoulders. And he was as courtly as possible as he helped her into the carriage and slipped into the dark beside her.
She said nothing and he couldn’t find a way to break the silence. Every conversational gambit he thought of sounded stupid or insulting. So he remained silent. He didn’t even touch her, though God knew he wanted to. He didn’t want to offer her more of an insult, so he stayed away. And in his head, he flayed himself alive for being a bastard.
Twenty minutes later, he discovered that he needn’t have castigated himself so hard since Eleanor was more than happy to do it for him.
She’d been waiting up, even sending Seelye to bed so that she could open the door herself when he and Mellie knocked. She pulled open the door, gestured them inside, and quietly shut it behind them. Then she turned on him like a distempered rabbit.
“Did you violate her? Don’t you dare lie to me, Trevor. Did you touch her? How could you do this? Damn it, everything played out exactly as it ought. A little faster than we planned, but perhaps, that’s for the best. It all falls wrong if you touched her. All of it destroyed, Trevor, and I will never forgive you for it.”
He had no answer, no way to mitigate the righteous fury in her eyes. So he stood there mute in his misery. It was Mellie—generous, sweet, innocent Mellie—who came to his rescue.
“Nothing has happened, Eleanor. Trevor was simply upset, and we walked. I’m used to living in the country, you know. It’s the easiest way to talk—on a long, quiet walk.”
“A walk in the city?” Eleanor huffed, though her tone was a great deal softer than before. “Don’t be daft, Melinda. There are dangerous footpads everywhere.”
“But we came across none of them. I am fine.” Then she made a mistake. She shrugged off her cloak, revealing her badly pinned hair, her dress without feathers, and the lumps caused by her badly tied corset. To anyone with eyes—especially someone as smart as Eleanor—she was exposed as a woman who had been ravaged.
“You fool!” hissed Eleanor, rounding on Trevor. “You damned—”
“She can still marry,” he said, though even to him his words sounded like a weak excuse. The kind of thing said by immoral men who used women without conscience.
“My God, Trevor!” Eleanor cried, but again Mellie interrupted.
“I am still a virgin, Eleanor. Calm yourself.”
Mellie didn’t know it, but no one ever told Eleanor to calm herself. The woman was made of ice, her aristocratic heritage demanded total nonchalance. To tell her to calm herself was akin to a slap across the face, and Eleanor reacted according to her training: with any icy fury that could destroy all of Mellie’s chances.
She pulled up to her full height, she drew in her breath, and she…did nothing. Trevor was about to leap into the breach, to take all the blame onto himself—which is where it rightly belonged—but Eleanor simply stared, long and quiet. Then she spoke two words in an eerie kind of tonelessness.
“What happened?”
“We went for a walk—” Mellie began, but Trevor took over. It was best if Eleanor’s rage was directed at him.
“I broke with my grandfather.”
Eleanor sighed. “I know that, Trevor. Everyone knows that.”
“We did go for a walk, and then…” He shook his head. He would not report like a boy confessing to his nanny. “Eleanor, she is still a virgin. She can marry whomever she wants. She is still totally and completely herself.”
Eleanor spent a moment staring hard at him. Inside, he squirmed with guilt, but he kept his expression impassive. And then she turned her icy glare onto Mellie who looked equally impassive.
“He has not lied, Eleanor.”
The woman snorted. “You will learn, Melinda, that there is the truth, and then there is a gentleman’s truth. Something momentous has occurred, and I should like to stand as your friend. Rest assured, whatever has happened, I will still sponsor you as I promised. I lay all ill things at his feet.”
It took a moment for Trevor to understand what she’d said. First, he realized that she was taking Mellie’s part and would not abandon her. That was wonderful news, but the rest was painful to hear. What she said, in fact, was that she would take Mellie’s part against Trevor, and as much as he deserved every word, it was still hard to hear. So when his words came out, they were more tart than he intended.
“So you won’t abandon her now ? What about this evening when she was all alone?”
Eleanor rounded on him, her eyes narrowed. “Whatever does that mean? She was never alone. Good God, do you know how many people were about her every moment—”
“You left her alone to Mr. Rausch and his friends. When I found her, she was dancing with him.”
“What is wrong with Mr. Rausch?” asked Mellie.
Eleanor nodded complete agreement. “Of course I left her to dance with him. Apart from being Prussian, he is the perfect man for her. I hope they will make a match!”
“A match? Have you lost your mind?”
“He is not the sort for me, but they are of the same class. He has made his fortune and found a way into society. They are perfect together. And now that she must cry off from you, I am sure he will come courting.”
“Cry off?” breathed Trevor, shocked to his core.
To the side, he saw Mellie’s eyes widen in surprise as well.
“Yes, cry off. That was the plan from the beginning. I had hoped to have more time, but you had that argument with your grandfather. And now everyone knows that he paid you to find a bride.”
Trevor’s gaze was on Mellie. She paled at those words, but the information wasn’t anything surprising. Or even news.
“I told him that I intended to marry Mellie, and there was nothing he could do to stop me.”
“You did a great deal more,” Eleanor said, and he realized that the gossips had worked especially hard tonight. There had been a scant few hours since his disagreement with the duke, but clearly, some version of the story was already winging about London.
Meanwhile, Mellie spoke, her voice a cool bite of reason. “Exactly what is being said?”
“That the duke forced him to take a bride, so he selected you out of spite.” Then she touched Mellie on the arm. “But don’t worry. I have already let it about that you have been horribly used by Trevor. That you are an innocent in all this, and that I will continue to sponsor you.”
Damn, Mellie had gone whiter than a sheet. She was withdrawing, and if they were alone, he would wrap her in his arms and kiss her until she stopped hiding inside herself. But they weren’t alone, so he stood apart and tried to soften the blow.
“No one will turn from you, Mellie. Not with Eleanor’s continued support.”
“Exactly. Which is why you must now cry off. I have already hinted as much with Trevor’s mother. We will make it public before her tea—”
Damnation! He’d completely forgotten the tea.
“But there is no reason to panic,” continued Eleanor.
“I’m not panicking,” Mellie said, her voice tight with irritation.
Eleanor continued, speaking over Mellie. “I shall tell you exactly how it will go. First, you will cry off tomorrow. I will cut Trevor and call him the most terrible cad, coming out firmly in your corner.”
“Good,” he said, though inside he was reeling. He wasn’t ready for the engagement to end. His approval was because Mellie could have no better advocate than Eleanor.
“Lady Hurst will throw her tea to show that there are no hard feelings. She has already begun, you know, decrying the manipulations of men. This whole thing truly is their fault anyway. Imagine paying your heir to court a woman and then disowning him because he’d gone and done what you instructed. It’s madness.”
Trevor heartily approved of anything that put the blame squarely on his grandfather, but neither woman appeared to care.
“We will go to the tea to show that we are fast friends, and you are a perfectly eligible young woman. I believe I can convince Lady Hurst to invite some scientific young men. And then, between her and me, you will be launched most spectacularly.”
Mellie frowned. “But what of Trevor?”
“Hmm? Oh, don’t worry. Eventually, I will invite him to a ball or something, publicly forgiving him for being a man. That’s what balls are for, you know. To show society that whatever their idiocies, we women will forgive them and still marry them. The men attend because it is the only way back into our good graces. And then we throw girls at them so they can marry and give birth to the next generation.”
Good God, was that truly what happened? Was that…? It was ludicrous, and yet there was a twisted logic in it. He shuddered, then refocused on the subject at hand. “I told my grandfather that I will not give her up.”
Eleanor rolled her eyes. “Of course you did. That’s the gentleman’s way. But as soon as poor Melinda heard that you only courted her to thwart your grandfather, her tender heart was crushed. So she throws you over and declares to marry only for true love.”
“What?” Mellie asked.
“Well, that’s what we shall say. Society adores a love story. Privately, you and I shall weigh the merits of each of your suitors closely, but once you have selected, the two of you shall fall madly in love. The wedding will be soon afterward because it must. People grow bored quickly, and so we must keep them talking with a wedding. And then about a month after you return from your wedding trip, you shall visit me, begging me to forgive Trevor. Everything will have worked out for the best, and then I will throw my ball, and everyone will see that he is back in my good graces.”
She slapped her hands together to show how easy it would be. And truth be told, it would be that easy. She was a master at this type of manipulation. Add his mother to the mix, and everything would happen just as Eleanor said. Mellie’s suitors and eventual marriage, the forgiveness ball, and mostly probably, his engagement to some woman of her and his mother’s choosing. In their minds, it was all a fait accompli .
He shook his head, feeling the pound of a headache beginning.
“What is it now?” Eleanor said with an annoyed clip to her words. “This is exactly what you wanted. You told me so at the beginning.”
Had he? Well, yes. And yet, now that he was here, everything felt very wrong. “I told my grandfather I would not give her up.”
“Well, of course you said that—”
“I meant it.” He looked directly at Mellie. “I will not give you up.”
Mellie looked at him, her gaze steady, her body composed.
“Why?”
Why? Damnation, he wasn’t exactly sure why. His thoughts were muddled, so he said the easiest words to leap to his lips. “It’s what I told my grandfather. A gentleman doesn’t go back on his word.”
“I see,” she said as she nodded. He thought for a moment that she understood. They needed more time together to sort things out with clarity. But she exhaled with determination. “That is why I will cry off.”
“No!”
“Yes. That was the plan. It is exactly what you said from the beginning. Eleanor, how do I do this?”
Eleanor clapped her hands together, her expression both happy and relieved. “Well, as to that, there are a number of options. But we needn’t have him here to discuss them. Good night, Trevor. Do understand that when I give you the cut direct tomorrow, I shall eventually forgive you.”
“What?” He reached for Mellie, but she had already moved toward the stairs. He accidentally grabbed Eleanor’s elbow instead. “This is not what I want.”
“Yes,” Eleanor said firmly, “it is.” Then she handed him his hat, the damned cloak, and pushed him toward the door. She actually shoved him out, and he was too much of a gentleman to fight her. Especially as Mellie started climbing the stairs offering him a halfhearted wave as she turned her back.
“Good-bye, Trevor. Thank you for everything.”
He waited a moment, blocking the open door as he tried to think. But damn it, she kept walking away. And Eleanor repeated what Mellie had said.
“This was the plan, Trevor. This is what you both want.”
Well, it was clearly what Mellie wanted. So he had to agree. He put his hat on his head and stepped into the darkness. It was what she wanted. And he had abused her too much to take her choice away.