Eighteen
Nate
“Oh, come on, just close your eyes for a few minutes,” my boyfriend Glen says, taking my hand.
“But what if I accidentally walk off the deck and straight into the lake?”
He laughs, kissing my ear. “I won’t let you.”
“But—”
“Just do this for me, please.”
I blow out a long sigh, slumping my arms in defeat. “Fine. I just don’t understand what you have to show me out here that I haven’t already seen.”
“You’ll see soon enough,” he says, smiling.
“Not if you’re making me close my eyes,” I grind out, and that earns me another laugh from him.
I take one more look around us before shutting my eyes and letting Glen slowly pull me forward, my shoes occasionally clipping onto the wood with uncertainty.
“Are you keeping them closed?”
“Yes,” I say, sounding impatient and annoyed.
“No peeking, you hear?”
“Alright, alright.” I let out a soft grunt and he doesn’t say anything for a long time, my chest fluttering in anticipation. Why are we out here on such a cold day? What could he possibly show me out here that I haven’t seen before, and why is he so damn quiet suddenly?
The boards wobble under my feet and I wipe my sweaty palm on my pants, feeling him tug at my other hand slightly as something hits the deck with a soft thud.
Oh no. Please tell me this isn’t what I think it is? It can’t be. I have to be getting it wrong. My heart rate picks up, breaths shallowing as he clears his throat.
No. No. No. It’s happening. It’s actually happening. It was only a matter of time, right? I’ve been with the guy for three years, what did I expect? For him to want to play unserious boyfriend forever?
He’s known where my heart lies this whole time—I’ve made sure of it. He says he doesn’t care when I know he does, but I think he’s holding on to hope like I still am, only we’re doing it with different people in mind.
I thought if I dated others, making it look like I’ve moved on, Jace would finally come back, and my mom wouldn’t hesitate so much whenever she tried to invite him over for the holidays. But neither has happened. Jace is still there and I’m still here, wishing the man in front of me was someone else.
A knot forms in my throat when a kiss is pressed to my knuckles. “You can open your eyes now,” Glen says, sounding more nervous than I feel.
When my lids slowly peel back, Glen is on one knee, holding a black velvet box in his hands. All the air leaves my lungs. I hold on to the railing to remain steady on my feet, my heart racing a million miles a minute against my pressing hand. I already know the answer to his question before he asks it. No doubt in my mind it’s the right one either. On the other hand, when I so much as entertain the idea of saying yes, all dread seeps in tenfold.
“Nate. I never thought I could fall so quickly for someone until I met you. I can’t imagine going on without you forever at my side.” He takes a breath, his smile shaking. “Will you make me the happiest man alive and be my husband?” I place my hand on top of the box, shutting it as he attempts to pop it open.
“I . . .” I rub a hand roughly over my face, closing my mouth before opening it again. “I could never love you the way you want me to.”
“You don’t know that.” His eyes are begging and I feel like shit for putting him in this position. This started as a fling. Something to pass the time and fill a temporary void—nothing serious. I told him over and over. Still, he broke the rules and fell for me anyway. He isn’t the only one who fell for the wrong person. I recognize the desperation and heartache in his eyes. Seven years ago I saw the same emotion pouring from my reflection in a bathroom mirror. I hated myself that day, and I hate myself now too.
I cup his face, leaning down. “Yes I do. My heart belongs to another and always will, whether he’s with me or not. I’ll never fully be yours or anyone else’s.”
“You’ll see with time, anything is possible. He’s gone and I’m here. Please let me stay.” His words shake. He doesn’t know who “he” is, only about there being someone before him.
I swallow back the emotion in my throat and shake my head. When I try to pull away, he holds onto me, keeping me in place. “At least think about it.”
“It won’t do either of us any good. If I say yes to you, I’ll only hurt you in the end. He could walk through that door after we make promises to each other and I’ll probably still run into his arms. Is that what you want? You shouldn’t settle for anything less than you deserve.”
“And neither should you.” He squeezes my fingers, his intense gaze holding mine, but not for the reason he wants it to.
“He’s been gone for how long now? What makes you think he’s coming back? When was the last time you heard from him?”
“Seven years,” I whisper. But I swear he left a little bit of him behind everywhere I go. It’s what my heart wants to believe.
“How about instead of waiting for something that might never happen, you take a chance with me and let me give you what you need now.”
“And what’s that?”
“Love. Devotion. To be here every time you need someone to lean on. He can’t give you that and I can. Let me. We’ll worry about the what-ifs later.”
“You don’t know what you’re asking.”
“I’m asking for you. I just want you. Exactly as you are.”
My chest aches with each inhale and exhale. I think over his words before saying, “Okay. But what I said before is all still true. I’ll marry you as long as you can live with the fact that someone else will always be my first choice.”
He gets to his feet, letting go of my hand only long enough to open the box and slip the ring on my finger. “We’ll see about that.”
I want to say I hope he’s right, but even if losing feelings and forgetting about Nate would make my life easier, I don’t want to ever feel less for him than I do now. It wouldn’t feel right to. He was meant to be mine and I was meant to be his. I just need him to find his way back to me.
I don’t stop him from opening the box again, and hold out my hand so he can slip the gorgeous simple silver band with a small diamond heart in the center on my finger. I’m not a materialistic person, or huge on wearing jewelry, but I am very sentimental. I love having proof of special moments, and Glen really wants to make sure I hang on to all the ones he feels we share.
His eyes light up and he kisses my hand again, getting back up to his feet to press his lips to mine. I smile against his mouth and it’s not forced. I do feel a little happiness, because he is a good guy, and even though I don’t feel like I deserve so much understanding from him, he gives it to me anyway. He might be right and Jace may never come back. If I really had to spend the rest of my life with someone else, Glen would be the best choice.
I do care for him, and though the love I feel may not be the same as what I have for Jace, it’s still there. And who knows, maybe over time I can really be what he needs me to be. Maybe Jace can really feel like nothing but a brother to me someday, and Glen can be my new everything. Just maybe.
Glen kisses me again and whistles loudly, signaling for others to join us from a distance. My eyes widen when my parents rush forward to congratulate us. I stand frozen at the loud squeals from our close friends and other family. How close were they when I shared my uncertainty with him? Nothing about their expressions gives away that they heard anything I said, and he did have to make a noise to alert them to come out. He had it all planned out this way. He knew I’d have my doubts and worries.
But I don’t know if he did this for me or him? Who did he try to save from embarrassment? I’d never have to question any of this with Jace. He was always thinking about others before himself.
“Oh, honey. I’m so happy for you both.” My mom embraces me in a hug while my dad taps me on the shoulder. My bio mom of course is nowhere to be seen, but I’m used to her being absent by now. She had an excuse for not showing up to my high-school and college graduation, so I’m sure she’d come up with some other blatant lie this time too. I don’t need her here anyway. I don’t need her at all. The person I truly want to see isn’t here, and I can’t expect him to be either.
“I tried to invite your brother but he’s a hard guy to reach,” Glen whispers in my ear, resting a hand at the hilt of my back.
I swallow the dryness in my throat, stomach tightening. Does that mean he never answered? He knows my brother and I are estranged, but he also knows he’s an important person in my life. I guess he didn’t want to leave him out even if he knew there was no chance of him coming.
“Yeah, he’s not a huge fan of phones.”
“Yeah, I’ve noticed. Email definitely worked better. Your mom gave me his address when I asked, and he said he’d try to make it.” He stares at me with a proud look in his eyes.
All I can do is stand here tongue tied, losing all ability to speak and think. Right when I feel I’m ready to move again, a tall, slender figure stands between all the smiling faces, his face neutral and eyes distant. My heart rattles in my chest, breaths sticking to the back of my throat. He’s here. He actually came. Why now?
His hair is longer, the bottom half of his face covered in dark facial hair, but he still looks like the Jace I remember. Only older and more serious. He’s wearing dark jeans and his old hoodie, and he gives me a short nod.
“Is that him?” Glen’s mouth brushes over my ear, eyes locked on the man I’m still expecting to disappear at any given moment.
“Yes,” I answer, fully unsure of who he means. The answer applies either way, but he doesn’t know that.
“Jace,” my mom shouts. “Is that really you?”
“Well look who finally emerged from the farm,” my dad says, voice sounding humorous, and Glen relaxes beside me, kissing my cheek.
“Hey, Dad. I see you decided to grow that mustache out after all. Looks like you belong where I live more than I do now.
Mom lets out a short laugh, her face unreadable. After all this time she should be happy he’s here. He’s her son after all. I wonder if she thinks he came here to mess this up for me. It seemed to be her thinking all those years ago.
“I don’t think he means to do it,” she said to me. “I think his mind just operates differently than ours. After what he’s been through.”
I bite the inside of my cheeks, the taste of copper hitting my tongue. Her words stung my ears, leaving behind a poisonous taste in my mouth.
“It’s good to see you, son,” Dad says, wrapping Jace in a tight hug. I stay where I am, still in disbelief. I’m scared that if I get too close he’ll vanish the way he does when I wake up from my dreams.
“Hey, little brother,” he says, flicking his eyes down to me. My height hasn’t caught up to his yet. He towers over me more now than he did then.
“Hey,” I say, not recognizing my own voice.
“Congratulations. This must be the lucky fella.” His eyes bounce between mine and Glen’s.
“Yeah. This is Glen. Glen this is—”
“The infamous Jace. I know. Nice to finally meet you. This one talks about you all the time and all the adventures you’ve been on together.”
Jace cocks his head. “Does he now? Hopefully he hasn’t told you anything too embarrassing.” He presses his lips into a wavering smile.
“Nah, not at all. Well, maybe a little. But what brother doesn’t.” Glen laughs, stepping forward. “I hope you’ll be joining us for dinner and the celebratory drinks afterward.”
Jace presses his lips together, eyes back on me. “Sounds like a fun time.”
“You can ride with us, hun,” Mom says, smiling between us.
“Or he can come with us. We have plenty of room. I’m sure Nate would like to spend more time with his brother.”
My mom’s brows lift, forehead wrinkling. “Well, it’s completely up to you.” She lays a hand on Jace’s arm, her eyes passing a message only the two of them can understand.
He nods. “Yeah, sure. It’ll give me time to size you up a little, make sure you’re right for my Nate. You know, like big brothers should do.”
“Great. So it’s been decided then.”
I open my mouth to argue, closing it when Glen guides Jace to his SUV. I follow them, waving everyone else off, and my stomach folds in on itself when Jace sits up front with Glen. Feeling uneasy about this whole situation, I hop in the back, listening carefully as they talk about what Jace has been up to on the farm. How many animals he has and if he plans on coming back home to Texas anytime soon.
“No plans as of yet.” He looks back at me and then at Glen. “My uncle isn’t doing too well health wise and has mentioned wanting me to take over the farm. He thinks I’m the perfect man for the job and I really don’t feel like there’s anything else out there for me.” Uncle Judd had a heart attack after being hit in the chest by one of his horses a year ago and hasn’t been the same since, so I can understand my aunt wanting him to retire sooner than planned. He’s also sixteen years older than my dad and has never cared much for managing his diabetes.
“Really?” I say, not realizing the words actually came out until Jace is watching me again.
“Yeah . . . I like the quiet, simple life out there, and it’s a free feeling working out in the open. You know how much I’ve always enjoyed the outdoors.”
“Yeah, I do.” I remember well how full of life he looked whenever he was standing under the bright sunlight or breathing in the fall air, spinning around in flying leaves. “It was hard to get your ass inside some days.”
He scoffed. “Right. As if you cared to be indoors yourself. You loved the water parks, drive-ins, and festivals.”
“You’re right, I did. None of that feels the same anymore.” Not without you.
“Yeah. Things do seem different here.” He shifts in his seat, looking ahead.
“I wouldn’t know,” Glen adds, reminding us both of his presence. “I didn’t grow up here like you two. College brought me here and well, Nate kept me here.” He shoots me a quick smile before turning onto the road the restaurant’s on.
Jace asks the questions next, wanting to know how we met and how long we’ve been together. Guilt settles in my gut when Glen is way too excited to answer, smiling as he talks about the party he first saw me at and how he couldn’t take his eyes off me.
I look at Jace, wishing I could see his face and know what he’s thinking. Is he truly happy for me or is he as jealous as I would be if our roles were reversed? I was more relieved than I should be when he showed up here alone. Not like it matters. Not like he wants me like that anymore.
Doesn’t mean I can’t want him to anyway. I tried to move on. I’m still trying. I’m sitting in the back seat of my new fiancé’s car, twisting my engagement ring on my finger, wishing I could stop wanting to be alone with the wrong person. Wishing I could stop wanting him to look at me the way he used to and beg me not to go for it.