Chapter Ten
Sometimes, it feltlike he was back on the ferry, except the rocking felt different. The scent of sea wasn’t there, either, only vegetation, Vargr, Cubi, humans, Sleipnir, horses, and something undefinable. And something plastic that was hot.
Steffen’s body shivered. His muscles hurt. He had a headache and felt thirsty. Worry that something was wrong stirred in him. A hand landed on his shoulder, and the soothing sensation of his mate’s presence spread. Concern spread through their mate bond, and Steffen fought to open his eyes, but what he saw made no sense. Something green, wood, and bright sunlight filtered through in a blurry mess. He could make out Tristan walking next to him. Steffen was lying down...
Then he walked on a gravel road in a flat and desolate landscape, but he wasn’t alone. He walked in his Vargr form, and to his left walked his wolf side, while his human form walked to the right. It made no sense, but he knew one thing. He hated this road. It was long and tedious. It looked endless, and no mountain waited in the distance. What was it with that mountain? Marisol had said it was a specific mountain.
Why was he on a road to nowhere? He fought to remember, but his brain seemed sluggish.
The human side looked at Steffen. “Because we met Draugr.”
Memories rushed through Steffen’s head, and it all ended with the absolute embarrassment of being tested by Freki. “Shit!” He stopped and covered his face. Why had he said and done such pathetic things? Telling an Alpha he could go get his own fucking blanket? Ignoring one needing help to easily situate a log to sit on around a fire? Steffen had walked right past him and sped up so it looked like he had somewhere more important to be, just to avoid helping. He’d snapped at Tristan and called him self-righteous. Why?
“Because it’s true,” the human side mumbled, tossing a stone down the road.
Steffen looked at him. “What? No, it’s not.”
The human side looked at Steffen, who was taken aback by the look in his eyes. And that the white in his eyes was no longer white. A light glow of pale blue surrounded the blue iris. Like a Cubi Master, except it also looked way different.
Steffen stepped closer to have a proper look, but the human stepped back, looking at him, skeptically.
Now it made sense. The human side was cursed by Draugr, which was why Steffen had split into his three forms, but where was he? In his mind? He’d been told to stay in wolf form, which currently sat next to them, watching with intensity.
What was the road? Was it a representation of the road the three forms had to walk together in life? But why was everything so baren? No woods? No mountain? What was the mountain a representation of?
“Just forget it!” The human side began walking again, slowly and shuffling his feet. He grunted as his bare feet found a sharp stone, and he lifted his foot to check it.
Steffen turned and looked behind them. In the distance, he spotted a pale blue shimmering wall. He couldn’t see what was behind it, but was that the wall of Draugr? The one he’d seen Rigr run into? Shit. Were they still there? No, no, they’d gotten out. He thought he had a sense of time after they’d escaped the valley, and that sense of time ended at the humiliation of being confronted by Freki and toppled by Sk?ll.
Should they go back to see if they could pass the veil? Or was Draugr behind that veil?
No, no going back. When going through Hell, keep going.
Steffen turned to continue down the long and straight road. Something had changed, but it took a while for him to notice what. The human side was still naked, but now he wore sneakers.
In the pit of Steffen’s chest, his ember felt upset. Not enough to urge action. His wolf side, however, walked funny. Hunched as if in pain. He went to it and crouched, putting a hand on its shoulders. The feral eyes he met were full of pain.
He felt split from himself, which would make sense if he experienced himself in three forms. That wasn’t right. He had to merge himself again. But how?
Just forget it. Why would he say that? About his mountain?
“We’ve seen the mountains. They were nice.”
Steffen gaped. The three forms were still one thought, but Steffen couldn’t recognize the mentality seeming so...ready to give up.
“Oh, I get it.” The human side faced Steffen. “Alpha drive and all that,” he spat. “And now you think I don’t have any because I’m the human side? You sound like V?lsung. Elitist. Speciesist, even!”
“No! I’m...wondering why Draugr’s curse latches onto the human side.”
“Maybe you agree with Thorleif. That humans are just weak.” The human side snorted and walked away. “You really think Sk?ll, with a Warlord’s instincts, won’t just subjugate humanity if he can’t persuade them to give the territory back?” he called out.
Steffen ran to catch up, and the wolf followed. “No, he won’t because I won’t let him sink to that!”
The human snorted angrily again. “Like a Pack Alpha can influence a wolf like that. You’re delusional, and you know it.”
“I can influence him! He’s not just V?lsung. Not with that ember, not with that vision. And I’ve earned his respect.”
“Keep telling yourself that.”
“Why else would he tell people he wishes to be as good a Pack Alpha as I am?”
The human eyed him. “If you were that good, would Freki then punch you?”
“That was the curse!” But Steffen hated the thought of putting blame for his actions on anyone or anything else. He’d have to fight it and make it better. He had to, or he’d be of no damn used to Sk?ll, and... “I promised Rolf!”
“Which was a pointless promise!” The human turned to face off again. Now he wore underpants, too. “It’s Sk?ll! An Alpha of all. You’re just a disgruntled Beta with a powerful mate.”
“Sk?ll will play again,” Steffen growled.
“He’s V?lsung! They don’t play. With anything but their food and their enemies. Which is the same fucking thing.”
“So what? What’s the alternative? Just go home to Rolf and tell him what?”
“How about the truth? It was his own fucking fault he fell to Omega!”
Steffen’s rage hit a boiling point in a split second, and he punched his human side. “I had the power to lower him, and I didn’t make sure I knew everything before I did!”
The human side staggered to regain his footing and glared at Steffen with a dribble of bloody spit in the corner of his mouth. “It was a vote, so at least five Alphas were as ignorant as you because Rolf didn’t trust you enough to tell you the truth.”
“That’s my failure as Pack Alpha then. That’s what I’m changing by earning Rolf’s trust by keeping my fucking word.” And Steffen couldn’t keep that word if he was trapped in his head and arguing with himself. He cried out in frustration, and the heat in him rose.
“Yes, you’re a Pack Alpha, thinking you have any business by the side of an Alpha of all. And a Warlord to boot. Delusions of grandeur! Just accept this isn’t your fight.”
“It is my fight!”
“Why?”
“Because it’s best for my pack that I keep trying.”
The human rolled his eyes. “And in the meantime, you leave everything on Tanja. All alone.”
“She’s strong enough to tend to our pack while I do my part in securing us.” Steffen sneered, angry that Tanja’s abilities to be a good Pack Mother would even be questioned.
“What are you securing the pack? Huh? A Warlord’s chance to rise in Vargr ranks? They won’t share in the end. Go home and at least make the best of the time left before he’s gathered all of them.”
“How can you distrust Matt like that?”
“Not Matt. Warlord Sk?ll.”
No ember to be felt by a human. Steffen put a hand on his chest because he felt the anger and burning inside, but not as burningly and painful as he’d expected to. Looking at the wolf, though? It bristled and hunched in pain as it stood with its side to them, facing down the long road.
Steffen was the intermediate form between the two, and the human spewed all the insecurities he felt with absolutely no filter, exaggerating them, while the Vargr desperately clung onto the guiding heat of the ember, burning the feral form. Did he agree with some of it? He didn’t want to, but the human was right when stating that at least some of the responsibility for Rolf’s fate was on Rolf’s shoulders.
No! Steffen had failed to earn the pup’s trust. He’d failed in being there for Rolf when Pernille had died. If he’d tried harder—
“You’re human!”
“No, you are. I am Alpha with an ember!” Finally, it burned hotter in Steffen’s chest—enough for him to believe in what he was trying to convince himself of.
The ember sputtered and dimmed. Dammit! That was something the cursed human side would say. It wasn’t about trying to convince himself of what he was capable of. It was about knowing it. Believing in it.
Had the human said that in his head? Or did Steffen suddenly remember wrong when he thought he’d heard his human voice when uttering that negative self-talk?
Steffen shook his head to get a clear mind.
“It’s a nice cause and all, but seriously. You’re not good enough.”
Steffen looked up. The human wore pants now. Why was he getting dressed? And how? What did it signify? That the human side split more and more from the wolf? Was he losing himself? “Seriously, what?”
“Why? Why run? Why do this when you know there are stronger and more capable wolves running with them? This is V?lsung’s job. They were bred for it.”
“Because I can! And I promised I would.”
“Can you? Even Freki questions that.”
Steffen stepped up. “He questioned you.”
“I’m not the one running after a fucking pipedream! I’m not the one charging around to be everybody’s little waiter and tending to all their problems like they were kids who can’t figure out their own lives! The humans feel that way in the pack, you know.”
“No, they don’t.”
“Yes, they do. You don’t even know what to use your power for, which is why you failed Rolf. You’re just a Beta playing at being Alpha, trying to make people like you, and that’s why you fail.”
“Oh yeah? And you have the solution?”
“Yes! Let someone else take over. It was never for us to do this. You took down Ulrik, great, and what did it cost us?”
The pain of missing Tristan tore through Steffen. But he caught the wording. Us. What did it cost us. The human wasn’t mated because embers mated wolves. But all of Steffen loved Tristan. And he felt that powerful and fair ember rise to help lower the turmoil in the ember. He felt them clash, and the sense of bliss at having someone so powerful love him coursed through his body as his heart stuttered and synced with Tristan’s.
Determination flared to life in the ember that he could finally feel grow stronger in his chest. But the selfish need to never be separated from Tristan again made it sputter as if doused. That was when he noticed that he didn’t fully feel the ember anymore. As the human got dressed, Steffen felt the so familiar pain and heat inside less.
“We deserve some happiness, too,” the human said.
Steffen looked at the sad expression. He was right. The already distant fire in Steffen grew dimmer, and the pale blue glow in the human’s eyes grew stronger.
This was Draugr magic battling the power of an ember?
“No, no, no, not like that!” Steffen stumbled back, feeling colder. “Tristan loves us for being fair!”
“He’ll love us anyway.”
“Maybe, but he won’t respect me! I won’t respect me!”
The human snorted. “Again with the delusions of grandeur! Alpha. You’re only Alpha because you connect to his ember. He knows you’re Beta! Always has! It’s time for you to have a good and hard look at yourself and admit, at least to yourself, what you are. A Beta!”
Steffen shook his head and turned away. Why did he struggle so much? Where was his usual trust in himself and his abilities? The warmth inside him, his guiding star, his true north...where was it? He felt cold.
The wolf lay curled up on the ground behind him, shivering in pain. It uttered a barely audible whimper.
He looked down the endless road toward...nothing.
Where was his mountain?
Steffen crouched and felt his feral wolf side. It panted, and its ears were warm. His nose was, too, and dry, so the scent organs had shut down. Steffen tried to smell the air, but there was nothing but the baren sand and gravel. And something...weird yet vaguely familiar.
On the side of the road, Steffen noticed pale blue vegetation, and he went closer to look at the foreign thing. It looked like a loofa. He poked it with a finger, and little blue particles burst from it and sailed around in the air.
The human knelt next to Steffen, looking at it. Now he wore jeans, too. “It would all be so much better and easier if you’d just understand that we deserve to be happy, too.” The blue particles drifted into the human’s eyes, and he wiped at them. “Life doesn’t have to be so difficult anymore if you just accept you’re Beta.”
Because that would mean the law of Pack Alphas not allowed to be mated no longer mattered. Did Steffen want to just be with Tristan? Yes. He sometimes longed for the day someone could take over the pack so that that stupid rule would no longer keep Steffen and Tristan apart.
“Sk?ll and Hati are both stronger than you. They can run the pack now.”
“Stronger, yes, but they’re not ready. They’re not mentally mature enough.” Steffen stepped back from the blue loofa, and he noticed more had popped up around them.
“Neither were you when you rose, but you still think you did a good enough job, right? They at least have each other. And Tanja would stay. It’s only fair you leave it to them and stay with Tristan now.”
Steffen wanted that!
But he’d never shirk his responsibility to his pack.
Looking around, there were now more of those blue loofas, and the tiny blue particles drifted through the air. He tried to focus on one, and it went near his human side’s face. That side rubbed its eyes again.
Plant spores? The fever was caused by hay fever?
Burn the Thralls!
The fever was caused by a plant infection. That’s why the Thrall was said to be infected. It...split the ember from the...
“Holy shit, the spore infects and splits the ember from the strongest Rigr who took it and put it in their chest.”
“So?”
Fever. The wolf had a fever to battle the spores.
“Warm the body,” Steffen told his human side, who was clearly infected but not running a fever. That body had to burn it. He looked at the human now sitting on the road in a t-shirt Steffen remembered losing to a fight with Klaes.
“Tristan can warm us. He’s big and warm.”
“Why do you give up so easily?”
“I’m not! I’m just saying it could be easier. We don’t deserve this. We deserve that Tristan takes care of us if we’re sick.”
“Stop shirking responsibility and get up and run!”
“Run? No!” The human threw out his arms. “Where to? There’s nothing but the same down that road, so what’s the point?”
The feral side jumped up and staggered around, ready.
The sight made Steffen smile. He grabbed his human side’s shirt and started dragging him down the dirt road. Good thing he was wearing clothes, or that would have hurt. “You’re infected by a plant spore, and you are the diseased one. You will not win and smother the ember! I will make sure of it! Now, get the fuck up and run.”
“No! And you can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do.” The human kept struggling. “Especially since there’s definitely someone better suited!”
Steffen stopped when he remembered the fight that had cost him that nice shirt. He’d not wanted to do something that needed to be done, and he’d even tried to wipe that off on someone else. Klaes had punched him hard enough to lose a tooth, and he’d reminded Steffen that it was stepping up that made him Alpha and not merely a disgruntled Beta with a burning trauma ember.
The ember was made to take action. It was made for action. It...needed action!
“Oh really?” Steffen crouched by the human and stared at him. “I can’t make you?”
“No!”
“Okay, so you have the choice to sit there. And I’ll keep you company and sing a song...” Steffen sat and made himself comfortable in front of the human, grinning. They were one mind. The feral was the body. Steffen needed to merge this passiveness and want for comfort and an easy life, free of the ember burning for purpose and...
And a mountain to climb.
Steffen looked up, and there it was. In the distance, the gravel road disappeared into a green landscape, and from it rose a mountain. Steffen smiled and looked back at his human side. “It goes like this. Now, tell me if you’ve heard this before, and know I won’t stop singing until you run. That way!” Steffen pointed toward his mountain. “I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song that’ll drive you insane.”
“No, no, no!” The human tried to topple Steffen, who kept singing.
“You know I can even run and sing at the same time! Get going! I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song that’ll drive you insane!”
“Argh!” The human got to his feet, and Steffen and the feral pranced around him, while Steffen kept singing the most annoying and monotone song he’d ever heard, and back then, he’d felt the exact same way as his human side did now.
That was how his mom had gotten through to him when he’d, at age...early teen, had been a petulant pup and not wanted to do something.
“I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song that’ll drive you insane.”
The human chased him around, swatting and kicking at him to stop singing, while Steffen and the wolf ran in oblong circles to drive him closer to the mountain.
The human stopped, heaving for breath and leaning over to support himself on his knees. “Stop! It’s too difficult.”
So was running and singing at the same time for so long, but Steffen had to succeed! He had to take the responsibility for their health. “So’s this! And if you’re hot, take off some clothes! I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song that’ll drive you insane!”
“Again,” the human screamed in frustration at the most annoying fucking song and sound in the world, ditched the shirt, and chased Steffen around, lashing at him with the shirt.
Steffen heaved for breath to sing, and his lungs burned from the difficult task. He was getting exhausted. Tristan would have been a lot better at this.
No. No more shirking responsibility like he’d done until the ember burned him so hard his body had shifted involuntarily to face off against Ulrik.
But that was what was still missing in Steffen. The Alpha drive. The warmth of the ember in the feral side that had at least gotten to its feet to run around with them. He needed the human to push himself out of this passiveness and comfort zone.
“Sprint toward that mountain, and I’ll stop singing when we reach the foot. If not, I’ll sing it forever! And teach it to Tristan, too!”
“It’s too far!”
“I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song that’ll drive you insane!”
Again, the human chased him. “It’s too warm!”
“Ditch the clothes! I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song that’ll drive you insane.”
The human did, once again tossing things at Steffen. A shoe hit him on the side of the face. Once again roaring in frustration, the human set off after Steffen, who continued in the oblong circles, evading and slowly driving the human toward the mountain, still singing.
In the end, what had called Steffen’s Alpha to life was reaching a point where there were no more comforts to hide behind to shirk the responsibility of meeting his Pack Alpha head-on. Until then, the ember had burned him to take action, yet Steffen had kept his head down and avoided the massive amount of pain he knew waited for him if he took the needed action. Until the ember was more painful than he imagined the fight against Ulrik would be, he hadn’t taken action, and it was still something he regretted not having done way earlier.
Now his lungs were burning, and his face hurt from having been hit by a shoe, but he’d drive his human side to that mountain! And earn back his ember. He’d need it to climb that mountain. To get to the diamond.
Wait, was that a mental representation of the stone that the strongest Rigr put into their chests? That would make Alphas Rigr of the Vargr.
The clothes were a representation of the human side being split from the wolf. And Steffen? He was the one making the choice to sit down and let others take over so that he could get what he wanted, or he could be the determination to fucking keep going and take responsibility!
Humble, humble, pick up power.
The ember whisper in his inner ear almost choked him up, but he continued to force the words of the song past the lump in his throat as he chased down his human side to provoke him to follow toward the mountain.
Action was needed to get even the biggest obstacle into motion, and once it was, it was easier to move. Force had to be applied more in the beginning, and then it was all about keeping momentum. He had to keep going, so he kept singing when the human fell due to exhaustion of the run.
“I’m human! I’m not meant to run.”
“Then merge with me again. I can. I will. I was made to run.”
“You’re tired, too!”
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean I’ll stop.”
“Why?”
Without the ember, keeping that big ball rolling was difficult, and Steffen’s mind scrambled to find reasons. Luckily, they lined up easily from years of having worked hard on and...having used the power he picked up to see his pack prospering.
To the top of the ranking!
Humble, humble, pick up power. See them smile.
A montage of happy moments he’d made possible ran through his head as a long line of successes that proved to him that he could do it. The image stopped at one. Where Rolf and Rebecca got married, while Matt stood with the basket with his baby sisters. Matt turned his head and smiled at Steffen with peace in his human eyes.
No one was to blame for the past. It was useless to spend time there. Steffen had righted the past.
“Run, or...I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song—”
“Why?” the human side demanded again.
Steffen looked at his human on all fours, heaving for air on the gravel road, once again naked.
“Because I can. And so can you. I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song that’ll drive you insane.”
“Argh!” The human stumbled to his feet and turned to run straight for the mountain.
Steffen hobbled after, feeling like he was running through molasses. Like when running with the Alphas of all. But when he ran with that bond, he had Tristan’s ember to help make him stronger.
He needed that. Wanted it.
The wolf ran ahead, goal-orientated.
Steffen would have to chase his feral side like the human had to chase discomfort. The mountain. So Steffen set off after the wolf, still singing that annoying fucking song as best he could.
He caught up to the wolf and glanced at it, pushing himself harder to stay by its side.
The ember ignited in his chest so hot that the pain of the weight of the tasks ahead made him scream and stumble. To lessen that burn, responsibility had to be taken and action applied, or it would never stop burning.
Steffen kept singing and running, feeling stronger when the ember in him clashed with Tristan’s. “I feel our mate! He waits for us. I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song that’ll drive you insane, I know a song that’ll drive you insane.”
“I need him, too!” the human shouted with pain in his tone—almost a disheartened whimper.
“Then run with me! Run to him. Merge with me to feel him and so that we can run.”
Steffen and the feral side had found a tempo to run side by side. The human side caught up to them, and they found a pace.
The thumping of their synced running pace made the ember pulsate in sync, and the mountain moved closer and closer as the heat in Steffen rose to a beautiful and pure heat.
The run became easier, and Steffen stopped singing. There was no longer a reason for it as the human side ran with a straight back and determination to reach their goal.
“I want to run,” the human said. He sped up.
Steffen grinned victoriously and followed suit with the wolf by his side.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the loofas. They were no longer blue. They looked burned. Scorched. And then they reached the border to the green landscape and left the pale blue pollen of the strange loofa flower behind.
––––––––
“I WANT TO RUN, I WANTto run, I want to run,” Steffen whispered.
Why was he whispering? He was running. Home to his mountain and his mate.
“Stop!” Tristan called out.
“Run with me, mate, run with me. Run with us.”
The swaying stopped, and Steffen felt something press against his side.
Opening his eyes, the landscape had changed. The scent of a forest tickled his nose, and only the absence of humans, the Sleipnir, Cubi, and Vargr in that dry and desolate place made their presence assault his nose now. But then the overwhelming scent of his mate took over, and big beefy arms lifted Steffen up to be cradled against a huge and warm chest. Such joy and relief spread in him from his ember.
Steffen looked up into Tristan’s worried yet happy eyes.
“Stef? Baby? Are you...” Tristan put a hand on Steffen’s forehead, then his cheek. “Your fever broke.”
“I want to run.”
Tristan stood, taking Steffen with him, then set him down on the mossy ground. It felt soft under the soles of his human feet. “Then let’s run.” Tristan let go, and Steffen staggered off, feeling too dizzy and beside himself.
No, now he knew what being beside himself felt like. He was just dizzy, but that was not going to stop him. Steffen staggered off, and his ember immediately clashed with Tristans.
Pack. He felt pack. Rasmus and Torben joined their stumbling run, and Steffen’s ember warmed with joy and purpose to see them happy and prosperous.
“Good to see you well again, Pack Alpha,” Rasmus said.
“Good thing, too, so Rasmus doesn’t have to punch more Alphas.”
Steffen needed that story at some point. But first, he needed to run with his mate and bask in the sensation of finally being connected to his ember again.
In the distance, the pull of the Alphas of All thumped hard. Steffen wanted to respond to that call, but he recognized that he had to pace himself or he’d be of no damn use to Sk?ll. Like he’d promised Rolf he would be. What he wanted and what he needed to do was the balance he’d had to deal with since his ember grew angry to let him understand that.
And he had to remember to tell them that the Draugr curse was a plant spore infecting them. That was the traitor. An infected Vargr, who lost the battle and corrupted its own ember. No, an infected Rigr.