26. Lucas
Chapter 26
Lucas
“ W ell, that went about as well as I expected it to,” Logan sighed as we rode the elevator down to the lobby with a box each. They contained everything we’d accumulated at our job over the past few years and mine was surprisingly light. “Now I guess we just have to break out leases and get out of here.”
I couldn’t help but scoff. “With what money?”
“I know…” he sighed. “I have a little saved up, but it probably won’t be enough. I spent a lot of it getting down to Sagebrush.”
“Mine’s gone too from that trip.” I turned away from Logan, not wanting to show the emotions threatening to overwhelm me. “I lost a lot down there.”
Logan was quiet, knowing exactly how torn up I was about the entire affair. Leaving my perfect cowboy behind was hard enough, but breaking his heart with my lies was almost most than I could bear.
The elevator dinged, and we stepped out into the lobby. The late afternoon sun streamed through the glass doors, casting long shadows across the polished floor. I felt Logan's hand on my shoulder, a comforting weight.
“Hey,” he said softly, “we'll figure something out. We always do.”
I nodded, not trusting my voice. We pushed through the revolving doors into the musky New York air, the scent of exhaust and sweat filling my nostrils. As we walked towards the subway, I couldn't help but think of the wide-open spaces of Sagebrush, the rolling hills and endless sky. The memory of strong arms around me, the scent of leather and hay, made my chest ache. Being there made me feel like I could breathe. But here, the place I used to love and call home, I felt like I was in a cage made of skyscrapers.
“You know,” Logan started, his voice hesitant, “we could always go back to Sagebrush. My folks would put us up for a while. I know they wouldn’t mind.”
“I can’t believe they forgave you so easily,” I muttered. “You’d think they didn’t care about the family secrets to begin with.”
“I can’t believe they did either,” he sighed. “Although I’m sure I’ll never hear the end of it, especially if we go back.”
“You know I can’t go back there, Logan. Not with… with him.”
Logan fell silent, his eyes filled with sympathy. We walked a few more steps before he spoke again, his voice low and gentle.
“Lucas, I know it's hard. But maybe... maybe it's time to face him again. You can't run forever.”
I stopped in my tracks, causing a businessman behind us to curse as he swerved to avoid collision. “I'm not running,” I snapped, even as the lie tasted bitter on my tongue.
Logan raised an eyebrow, unconvinced. “Really? Because it seems to me like you've been running since the moment we left Sagebrush.”
I opened my mouth to argue, but the words died in my throat. He was right, of course. I'd been running - from my feelings, from the truth, from the man I'd left behind.
“Look,” Logan continued, his voice softening. “I know I’m in no position to be giving you advice. I made the same mistake you did except the falling for a cowboy part.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Anyway, what I’m trying to say that is I know how special that was for you. How much you cared for him. God knows why, because I sure as hell don’t, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that he’s your person.” Logan reached out, laying a hand on my shoulder. “You can’t just let that go.”
Tears pooled at the corners of my eyes. “I have to, Logan,” I said, my voice cracking. “He told me to leave. That he doesn’t want to see me again.”
“Maybe he’s changed his mind.”
“No. He hasn’t,” I said, shaking my head. “I ruined it forever. My one shot at a perfect romance is dead.”
Logan's eyes softened with understanding. “Perfect romance? Lucas, there's no such thing. Every relationship has its bumps and bruises. What matters is how you handle them.”
I wiped my eyes, frustrated by my own weakness. “How can I handle anything when he won't even talk to me?”
“You show up,” Logan said simply. “You go back to Sagebrush, and you face him. You tell him the truth - all of it this time.”
The thought made my stomach churn. “And what if he still doesn't want me?”
Logan shrugged. “Then at least you'll know. You can move on without always wondering 'what if'.”
We started walking again, the crowd of New Yorkers parting around us like a river around stones. The familiar sights and sounds of the city felt hollow now, devoid of the excitement they once held for me.
“When the hell did you become such an expert on relationships?” I asked Logan after a minute or two.
“Well, when nobody wants anything to do with you, it leaves a lot of time for watching sappy shows.”
“Are you telling me you just fed me some shitty Hallmark line?”
“Lifetime, actually.”
“Fuck you,” I laughed, punching him softly in the shoulder. “But do you really believe all that? I mean… that I have a chance? ”
“I don’t know, buddy,” he shrugged. “But if you don’t try, you’ll beat yourself up for the rest of your life for not giving it a shot.”
I nodded. “Yeah. I guess so.”
“But first, we need to pack. And I need to call my mom and let her know you’ll need to use the guest room.”
“Logan… I can’t?—”
“Yes, you can, and you will,” he said, cutting me off. “I’m not gonna let my best friend be homeless. We’re in this together and even if you don’t want to stay in Sagebrush, at least it’ll give you a chance to get back on your feet until you’re ready to move on.” He glanced over at me. “I have no fucking idea where we’re gonna get jobs though.”
“Remote work?” I offered.
“Right. There’s a bunch of those floating around.”
“We could always work on a pig farm or something.”
“Rattlesnake wrestlers?” he grinned.
“Pygmy goat herders for sure.”
It felt good to laugh a little after the past few days as we made our way down onto the train. It was a twenty-minute ride to our apartment building in Sunnyside.
As we emerged from the subway station, the familiar sight of our apartment building loomed before us. It was an old-fashioned skyscraper, built in the seventies on the cheap, nothing like the sleek high-rises of Manhattan, but it had been home for the past few years. Now, it felt like just another place we were leaving behind.
We took the rickety elevator to our floor several stories up, the weight of our boxes seeming to increase with each floor we passed. Logan fumbled with his keys, finally managing to unlock his door right next to mine. He gave me a little wave before disappearing inside. Meanwhile I unlocked my own door and stepped inside.
The apartment was exactly as I'd left it that morning - dishes in the sink, takeout containers on the coffee table, clothes strewn about. It was amazing how quickly a place could go from feeling like home to feeling like a temporary stop .
“I guess I should start packing,” I said to myself, setting my box down on the counter. “Good thing there’s not much to pack.”
It was true. After all the time I’d spent in New York at my ‘big deal’ job, I had hardly anything to show for it. I still had the same covers on my bed from college, the same coffee table that leaned to one side, and all my casual clothes were getting ratty and threadbare from use. The only thing that was new was my work clothes, and those never got me into anything other than more debt. For a brief moment I entertained the idea of opening the fire escape and chucking my suits into the wide-open sky. But, like always, I packed them away carefully. Crawling out from under this newest mistake was probably going to require a suit or two and they were the only nice things I owned.
As I folded my suits into a suitcase, my mind wandered back to Sagebrush. The memory of Beau was so vivid - his strong hands, the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, the warmth of his body against mine. I could almost smell the leather of his boots, the hay in his hair. I would’ve done anything to be back in his bed, his strong arms wrapped around me, making me feel like the most perfect boy in the entire world.
A sharp knock at the door startled me out of my reverie.
“It's open,” I called out, knowing it was Logan.
He poked his head in, a lopsided grin on his face. “Hey, how's the packing going?”
I gestured to the half-filled suitcase on my bed. “Slowly but surely. You?”
“About the same,” he sighed, stepping fully into the room. “Listen, I just got off the phone with my mom. She's excited to have us, but...”
I raised an eyebrow, waiting for Logan to finish. “But what?”
Logan ran a hand through his hair, a nervous habit I'd noticed over the years. “But she said we’d have to help her around the farm until we get work. I guess our newest ranch hand just quit, and they need help with the fall cattle drive. ”
“Cattle drive?” I asked. “What the hell does that mean?”
“Uh… it’s a lot of horseback riding basically for like days and days on end.”
I slumped onto my bed. “I really don’t like horses that much,” I sighed. “But I’ll do it. Anything for a roof over my head I guess.”
“I hope you like camping too.”
“Nope.”
Logan let out a small laugh. “Sorry, buddy.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad I’ll have someplace to live.” I looked up at him. “Tell her thank you for me.”
“No problem,” he smiled. “Alright. Get back to packing. We’ll take a plane out tomorrow morning. That way we can break the lease over the phone. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to face our landlord in person.”
“Me either. That lady is scary as fuck.”
Logan just laughed, pulling my door closed. I turned back to my suitcase, my mind racing. A cattle drive. Days on horseback. Camping under the stars. It was so far removed from my life in New York, it might as well have been on another planet. But then again, that’s the sort of thing I was craving. I wanted that wide open Texas sky again. I just hoped it would still retain its lure without my cowboy at my side.
I resumed packing, this time with more purpose. Each item I folded and tucked away felt like another step towards... something. I wasn't sure what yet, but it felt like my only choice.
However, I’d barely finished my first suitcase when I heard another knock at the door, this one softer than the last. I pushed myself up with a sigh, shaking my head.
“What now, Logan?” I called. “Do we have to castrate pigs or something while we’re there too?” I grabbed the handle and pulled the door open. “What’s…”
My words trailed away and my heart nearly stopped beating.