Twenty-Seven
I didn’t know why I kept doing my best to wind him up sometimes. I mean, I knew I was doing it, and I knew I was being unreasonable. I think the main reason was that I wasn’t afraid of Ryder , not really. Not of the man I’d come to know, since I’d been here.
But the original version of him, the one I’d had to drug to feel safe with? He was still in my mind too, like a different Ryder. A deadly one. One who could overpower me, just to have his way with me.
Why couldn’t I just see the one version of him? The real him. He kept trying to show me that he wouldn’t hurt me, or force himself on me, and all I could see was the animalistic version of him in my fantasy. In my mind.
He was quiet when he came back, edgy, just very not like his usual self. I tried apologising, but he just waved it off, and made lunch for us, like we hadn’t had a big fight. Later that night though, something so bizarre happened that I was frozen in shock. I never saw it coming .
Someone had knocked on the door, and he hadn’t let them in, instead talking through the door for a few moments, before he took something from them, and came back to me. He’d placed a bag in my hand, and walked away. What the hell? He’d also locked the bedroom door this time.
He sat at the small dining table, waiting for me to check the bag, and the contents had me up and storming over to him. I slammed the bag on the table, my heart thudding heavily in my chest.
“What the fuck is this?”
He lifted his gaze to mine, looking wary.
“ A gift .”
“A gift? GHB? How is that a fucking gift? Are you out of your mind?”
He sighed and pulled the bag open, lifting out the item I hadn’t noticed. A plastic bag with three small blue pills in it. Viagra . What the hell was going on?
He set them on the table, placing the small vial of clear liquid beside them.
“Call it date night, whatever. I’m offering you what you need to make you feel safe.”
I practically fell into the seat opposite his, my hands trembling, as I clasped them on the table in front of me.
“You’re… are you suggesting what I think you are?”
He shrugged, looking almost embarrassed by his gesture, now that we were discussing it.
“Ryder, tell me. I need to hear you say it to me.”
He groaned, resting his chin in his hand as he stared at me.
“I think it’s pretty fucking obvious, babe. I’m offering you what you need to feel safe and get off. My body for the night. On your terms .”
Jesus Christ. I got up and started pacing the room, feeling not only edgy, confused, and overwhelmed, but something else. Curious. No… not curious. Interested. More than that. Aroused . I stopped and stared at him again, but he hadn’t moved, just kept his eyes on me.
“You’re suggesting that I drug you, for sex… that’s what you’re saying…”
He raised his eyebrows at me.
“I don’t know what else I can do to show you that you’re safe with me, Tori. I’ll never hurt you. I want you, but not if it’s going to scare you. So… yeah … that’s what I’m offering. My body. You in control. You probably won’t even need the Viagra, I’m so fucking horny all the time, but there it is. You want to recreate our first date? I brought everything you could possibly need.”
I was speechless, and strangely, really really fucking keen to do this. Not because I’d be doing it to him, but because I wanted him too. I was just so afraid to be at the mercy of any man again. Even him.
“Say something, Tori. I’m losing my mind here,” he practically whispered.
“You’d do this for me? You’d go through that again? For me?”
He stood up and pointed at his erection, bulging against the front of his jeans.
“Apparently I’m up for this, but I also know, like this, I’m a threat to you. A risk. So dope me up, and have your way with me. I’ll still get rid of these fucking blue balls, so it’s not entirely selfless, babe.”
I grinned, and tried to hide it, because it was wrong. It was so fucking wrong .
“You’re willingly being drugged for sex… I mean, after everything, you’re willing to do this?”
He frowned. “Would you prefer me not to be? Is that part of the fantasy? Does it have to be against my will? I’m not sure I can do that. I’m so fucking desperate to be with you.”
I eyed the supplies on the table.
“That’s definitely not what I mean. I just mean that this stuff is strong, and you’ll have little to no memory after.”
He cursed under his breath. “Yeah, that part bugs me too, because I really want to remember. I want to be aware, and know that I’m with you, but who knows. Maybe if you feel comfortable doing this, you can try restraining me, and leaving me aware, some other time.” He frowned then, looking confused for a moment.
“I can’t believe I’m suggesting this. You have to understand, I’m not naturally the kind to give up control in anything. I’m willing to give that to you though.”
Somehow I was standing at the table again, my hand reaching for the GHB.
“I can try and give you a smaller dose than before, so you won’t be out for as long.”
He walked over to a cupboard and rummaged around, bringing something to me. Handcuffs, but not the normal kind. These had a longer chain between the cuffs. Not long, but probably a few times longer than usual.
“Don’t ask, but the key is there with them. You can loop them around the central bar of the headboard. If you need to tie my legs, I daresay I have some rope around here somewhere.”
“Ryder... I can’t believe you’re offering to do this.”
He stepped closer, tilting my chin up with the merest touch of his skin against mine.
“I told you I want you to be my old lady. You think that’s a quick or easy decision? I want to spend my life with you. If I can’t give you what you need to be safe, and happy, and fulfilled, then I’m not worthy of you.”
My mouth dropped open, and he grinned.
“Plus, like I said… blue balls from hell .”
He backed up fast, before I could slap at him.
“What if someone comes in?”
He glared at the door for a moment.
“It’s locked, and the prospect on the door knows better than to let anyone in, even if they can get in. The only person who knows we’re even considering this is Ice, because he got me the uh… supplies.”
“Ice?”
“Yeah, and he’s seriously pissed about it. He thinks it’s ‘unhealthy’ or some shit.”
It was. Incredibly so. But it was also going to happen.
Ryder
I was nervous as fuck, but I could see that she wanted this. Me. She just couldn’t risk anything other than her terms, her way, and as much as I’d never admit it to anyone else, I’d give her full control in the bedroom if it helped her heal.
I found the rope and handed it to her, then I pointed at the meds. “You wanna make that shit up, or whatever?”
She swallowed hard, grabbing a glass and half filling it with water, then she fiddled with the vial of GHB, before bringing me the glass, and one of the blue pills.
“It’ll be easier if you just wash the pill down with this.”
Jesus Christ. It was even more unnerving, knowing that I had to willingly take the damn stuff too. I’m not sure what I’d expected, but I didn’t envision her handing me a glass and a pill, and me having to choose to drink it.
I took a deep breath, staring at the glass for a moment, then I drained the contents, washing down the small pill, and she led me to the bed.
“It had no taste,” I muttered dumbly to her, “I thought it’d taste bitter or something.”
She shook her head. “That’s how people don’t know they’re being drugged. It’s odourless, tasteless, and colourless. Evil stuff, really.”
I was expecting to feel woozy, but so far I felt no different at all. Did she not give me enough of the stuff?
“What do we do now?” I asked Tori, and she frowned, gesturing to my clothes.
“Uh… it’d be easier for me if we can get you naked and tied up, before you’re out of it. You’re kinda big.”
I smirked at her, offering what I hoped was a sexy wink.
“You say all the nicest things, babe.”
She giggled, and then covered her mouth.
“You’re kinda cute sometimes, Ryder.”
I pretended to bow, and staggered a little when I lifted my head again.
“Oh… yes, it hit you fast last time too. Hurry, we need to get you naked.”
“No complaints here, babe.” I lifted off my t-shirt and dropped it on the floor, undid my jeans, and slipped them down, with my underwear, and then I sat heavily on the bed. I managed to get my jeans off over my bare feet, and my underwear, but then I was already starting to feel a little out of it.
“Jesus… I feel weird.”
I slumped back on the bed, and Tori groaned.
“Ryder, I need you up on the bed properly. Come on.” At her direction, I managed to move up onto the bed, with my head on the pillows, but by then, it was like my body wasn’t really listening to my commands anymore.
The last thing I saw, before my eyes drifted closed, was Tori leaning over me, her bottom lip caught between her teeth.