Ryder (Phoenix MC #1)

Twenty-Nine

I slept better than I have in weeks, months even, possibly years. I awoke feeling refreshed, safe, and deliciously sore inside, in the best possible way. In the way that meant I’d been with someone and enjoyed it, rather than it being against my will. That pain is so different.

I was still crushed against Ryder’s chest, and he was breathing steadily. Still asleep. I remembered how ill he’d been when he woke from the drug, and I felt another sick pit of guilt in my stomach. He’d apparently been that ill last time, and yet he still willingly let me do it again. Didn’t that tell me everything about him? That he was a decent man, or at least as decent as a man can be, in the lifestyle he’s a part of.

I tried to move without waking him, but he jolted awake the moment I moved, his arm tightening around me.

“Ugh…” He groaned, rubbing at his face, his eyes squeezing shut.

“You okay?” I pushed away to sit up and look at him.

“Yeah… I’m okay.”

“Are you feeling ill again?”

He gave me the old side-eye, and grimaced, closing both eyes again.

“Let me get you some more water.”

I got up from the bed, and reached for his glass.

“Oh… unless you’d rather I didn’t?”

He groaned. “I trust you. I’m sorry I over-reacted before.”

I rinsed the glass, and refilled it, grabbing some paracetamol, and bringing them back with me.

He took one look at them and sighed.

“I really wish I could.”

I set them on the bedside cabinet.

“I’m sure you can safely take them. Unless you think you won’t keep them down?”

He groaned. “The nausea is back, so I really don’t know.”

I reached for his phone, and his hand shot out, stopping me.

“What?”

“What are you doing?”

I withdrew my hand. “I was going to find out if it’s safe.”

“Don’t! You can’t ask anyone. You can’t let on what we did.”

I frowned, sitting up taller. “What do you mean? I can’t google it?”

His own frown cleared a little.

“Oh. Maybe. I don’t know. If anyone’s still monitoring my phone, it’ll be Ice, and he already knows.”

“Ryder, why would anyone be monitoring your phone?”

He barked out a laugh and then grabbed his stomach, letting out a sharp breath.

“Oh. No reason… just that some woman kept contacting me, and we were trying to track her down.”

I opened my mouth to answer, before I realised he meant me. So because of what I’d done, he’d also lost any chance of privacy. Could I really complain about my having to live here, and not having a door on the bathroom, when I’d messed up literally every aspect of his life?

“Jesus, don’t look like that. It’s not like it’s a big deal. They’ve probably stopped now anyway.”

I cast my eyes down. “I just didn’t realise how much damage I’d done to you, apart from the obvious, I mean. Has it damaged your reputation with your brothers?”

His eyes widened. “You don’t need to be worrying about that. But… and this is important … nobody other than Ice can know what we did last night, especially if we do it more than once.”

I felt a ripple of excitement at his words.

“You’d do it again?”

He swallowed hard, sipping more water.

“I’ll be more open to that when I don’t feel like I’ve been on a three day bender, but yeah, probably.”

“They won’t like it?” It was a dumb question, I know.

Ryder set the water aside, and leaned back against his pillows, which I’d helped pile against the headboard.

“The thing about life in a club like this… I mean, it’s nothing like the TV shows, or those porn books you read. It’s real. It’s gritty, and dangerous. We do dangerous things. Not all of it is legal, although maybe more of it than you’d think. The important thing is that we can all trust each other. To have each other’s backs. To fight for each other. To be willing to die for each other.”

“My god.”

He shrugged. “Club versus club can get a bit violent, darlin’. Not anything you’ll have to worry about, but if word gets out that I’m letting you do this to me... willingly … they’re all gonna start doubting if I’m man enough to still be a member here. And if it gets out beyond this club, I’ll be seen as a weak man, or they could judge the whole club as too weak to be a threat to them.”

I stared at him, my body tense, and worried.

“Then why would you let me do that? Why risk yourself, and your club in that way?”

He rolled his head in my direction again, wincing as it pressed against the metal headboard.

“ Because I’m in love with you, Tori . Turns out that means I’ll do pretty much anything for you.”

I swallowed hard, my hand reaching for his. I squeezed it.

“Ryder… what you did for me was reckless, foolish, dangerous, demeaning, and insane.” He opened his mouth to argue, and I pressed a finger against those soft lips.

“And I love you for it. Thank you.”

He started to smile, and then he swallowed hard.

“Please, please don’t take this as a response to what you just said.” And then he lurched out of bed, and barely made it to the bathroom before he threw up. Dammit .

Ryder

J esus. I thought I’d purged that shit from my system last night, but here I am again. Early hours of the fucking morning, and I’m throwing up again. Tori hovered behind me somewhere, and handed me a glass of water, when I finally sat back on my feet. I took a large mouthful, swilled, and spat it into the toilet, and then sipped some more.

“I’m sorry, darlin’. This isn’t how I planned for this to go, you know. I thought you’d have fun, and we’d laugh about it later.”

She moved onto her knees beside me.

“I’m so sorry it made you so ill.”

“That’ll teach me not to just take regular drugs like all the big boys. I’d handle it better then.”

Tori surprised me then, by leaning forward and kissing my temple.

“I like that you don’t. Do you feel well enough to move yet?”

I shrugged. I didn’t feel sick anymore, but whether that was because it had passed, or because there was fuck all left in my body now, I had no idea.

“We need to get you eating something, really.”

Okay, there’s the nausea again. Fucker. I shook my head, as she started trying to haul me to my feet.

“What are you doing, baby?”

She frowned deeply, tugging on my arms again.

“I’m helping you up.”

I grinned at her, enjoying the look on her face, which wasn’t embarrassment, or frustration, but something in between.

“Oh… that’s what you’re doing? Wow… you’re good at this.”

She slapped my shoulder, and then covered her mouth.

“I’m sorry. Why am I trying to beat you up, while you’re ill?”

I opened my mouth to make some comment that I suddenly realised would be hugely insulting, and should never be voiced, because this wasn’t the same as what she’d done to me before.

“Ryder?”

I groaned, and helped her help me up and back to the bed, but I didn’t plan to stay there. She was right that I needed food, and I knew I had some tins of soup and stuff there. Something light would be good.

She was in the kitchen, while I grabbed a t-shirt to drag over my head.

“I thought I’d make you some soup. You can eat it slowly, and we still have some of those crackers you got for me,” Tori said, stopping me in my tracks as I stood up.

“I was just gonna do that.”

“Sit down. Please, this is the least I can do.”

I grabbed my phone and checked the time.

“It’s not even four in the morning, babe. That’s a weird ass time to eat soup. Maybe I should try and wait a few hours.”

“Like hell.” She was already heating up soup in a pan, so I shrugged, and grabbed another tall glass of water.

“Go and sit. I’ll bring this over.”

“You’re eating too, yeah?”

She frowned at me. “It’s barely four in the morning, Ryder. That’s a crazy time to eat.”

“Touché.”

She served a small bowl for herself too though, and it struck me just how amazing it was, to just be looked after like this. The thing I’d realised by having her here with me, was that I’d spent way too long having to do everything alone. If I ate with anyone, it was down in the clubhouse, or out at a bar or somewhere. I’d never just eaten in with someone, but it was something I could see us doing often.

After we both ate, we went back to the bed for a while, and snuggled together to try and sleep. I couldn’t sleep. I felt oddly wired, but I heard Tori’s breathing slow down and become regular and even, as she fell asleep in my arms. Who knew that one replay of our first meeting would have her feeling safer around me? Safe enough to snuggle with me in the damn bed?

I wished I could remember what had gone on while I’d been drugged. It was the most bizarre experience to wake up tied to my own bed, and not remember why I was there, or what had happened in the time I’d been out of it.

Strangely though… for the peace she seemed to feel now, I already knew I’d do it again. And again. So maybe this really is love. Either that, or I’m a really fucked up motherfucker, suffering from some bizarre kink I didn’t even know I was into. And so it was a shock when we were interrupted later that morning, by an unexpected visitor.

A fist thumping against my door was our first warning. I felt Tori flinch at the sound, and kissed her forehead, before I slithered out of the bed, and walked to the door. I’d dressed in lounge pants and a t-shirt when we ate our crazy early breakfast, so I wasn’t too worried about flashing anyone, but before I unlocked the door, I checked to make sure Tori was well hidden by the bedding. I didn’t want to have to tear anyone’s eyes out right now.

“Yeah?” I stuck my head through the gap in the door, and faced a tired looking Reacher. There was bruising around his nose, and I almost asked him what had happened, before I remembered being the one who’d gifted it to him. We hadn’t really spoken since, but only because I’d been locked in with Tori.

“Brother, we’re gonna have to disturb both of you from your cave today.”

I glanced around for a prospect, finding none lingering outside.

“I sent him to bed. We’re taking the detail off your door. Look, you both need to get dressed and come downstairs. We have visitors, and not the kind you keep waiting .”