Chapter 9
Chapter Nine
Xavier
“ H ow was your vacation to France?” Abby asks as we all sit around the dining table at her house.
“It was awesome, Auntie Abby,” Aubree pipes up, her dark curls bouncing up and down as she moves around in her seat. Our daughter has the attention span of a gnat and more energy than a squirrel monkey and a jumping kangaroo combined. Wouldn’t change the little rascal for the world. “They had five pools and six slides and a zipwire, and we went horse riding and had a picnic in the woods, and we even went to an adventure park!” Her pretty little face glows as she beams at my best friend.
“Wow, that sounds incredible. What about you, Cuan? Did you have an awesome time too?”
Our eldest shrugs. “I enjoyed it, but I mostly played golf. They had an eighteen-hole golf course, pitch and putt, and a driving range.”
“He was up and out before all of us every day,” my husband says.
“He’s a budding little golfer in the making for sure.” My chest swells with pride.
“Pops.” Cuan drills me with a look that sends chills down my spine because it’s a carbon copy of the look Sawyer gives me when he’s warning me to back down. Genetics are amazing.
“Just speaking the truth. You’re already a scratch golfer, and you’re only thirteen. That’s pretty remarkable.”
“Tiger Woods, Rory McIlroy, and Jason Day were all scratch golfers at thirteen,” Hunt reminds him.
“I’m aware.” Cuan turns that analyzing lens on my other half.
Anderson chuckles, talking quietly so only I can hear. “He’s a chip off the old block for sure.”
“Tell me about it. He’s so serious sometimes. I bet I’m the only parent trying to coax their kid into having fun with their friends.”
“Oh, you’re not alone there, my friend.” He raises his wineglass to his lips, subtly nudging his head in Talia’s direction. “Meet his twin.”
“I’ve told all my friends at school you’re going to be a famous golfer,” Amelia says, batting her eyelashes at our son. “You need to believe in yourself, Cuan, and manifest it.”
Abby grins at her youngest child, and I note how Cuan’s cheeks flush red.
Sawyer catches my eye, confirming he’s noticed what I’ve noticed, but he quickly looks away, and I wonder if the remnants of our earlier argument are tormenting him as much as they’re tormenting me.
I hate we’re still at loggerheads over this, and I don’t know how to resolve it when we both want different things.
“I believe in myself,” Cuan replies, quickly regaining his usual cool composure. “I just don’t want to come across as cocky. Arrogance leads to ego, and an unhealthy ego is a dream slayer. I refuse to lose my focus, diminish my control, or become a statistic.”
Kai’s mouth hangs open as he stares at our thirteen-year-old, and I get it. Some of the things he comes out with blow my mind. He’s incredibly intelligent, and he soaks information up like a sponge. We’re so proud of him, but we worry about him too. You don’t get to be a kid for long, and we want him to remain as carefree as possible for as long as possible. But we also support his dreams, and striking the right balance is the challenge.
“You’re so articulate, Cuan. It’s no wonder your school team kills it at every debate.” Abby beams at her godson.
“Dad lets me use his Audible account, and I’ve been listening to lots of self-help books and reading about the psychology of sports.” He taps his temple. “Sports is as much about the mental game as the physical, especially with golf.”
“Well, I think you’re well ahead of the game, and I look forward to bragging about my talented godson in the near future,” Kai says.
“Who wants dessert?” Abby asks, and the chorus of enthusiastic replies almost bursts my eardrums.
After we finish eating, I head to the game room with the kids to play some Xbox. Abby finds me there thirty minutes later. “Kai and Sawyer are heading to the sports bar to watch the baseball game if you want to join them?”
“And ditch my partner in crime?” I slap a hand over my chest and feign shock. “You wound me.”
She rolls her eyes. “Always with the dramatics.” She grins wide before lifting one shoulder. “Come on then. I have a fabulous pinot noir with your name on it.”
“You had me at fabulous.” I hand my controller to Ori to take over as he was sitting this game out. “Use the force, and don’t let the side down.”
My godson smirks. “Wondered how long it would take you to mention Star Wars . Thirty-four minutes has got to be some kind of record for you, Uncle Xavi.”
I’m chuckling as I stand and ruffle his hair. “You’re probably right.”
“Auntie Abby,” Aubree calls out, maintaining eye contact on the game as she battles to win the soccer ball from her brother. “Can you paint my nails before I go to bed?”
“Of course, I can, sweetie. Just come find me when you’re ready.”
I follow Abby out of the room and down the hallway to the main living space where Anderson and my husband are waiting.
“I’ll stay with Abby and the kids,” I tell Hunt, rubbing at the pain in my chest.
“I thought as much,” he says in a clipped tone.
Kai and Abby share a look.
“Don’t rush back on my account,” I add, making a beeline for the kitchen counter where Abby has opened the French wine and is letting it breathe. “Abby and I have plenty of gossip to catch up on.”
“I’m sure, and I wasn’t planning on it.” He levels me with a warning look, but he can fuck off if he thinks I’m not talking this out with my best friend. He asked me not to tell her, but that was before. I think I’ll go insane if I don’t talk to someone about it.
“Enjoy your night.” I force a smile on my face, trying to pretend like I’m not heartsick when Kai kisses Abby.
“I will.” He offers me a tight smile before walking out of the room with Anderson trailing behind him.
“You get the wine,” Abby says, “and I’ll grab the glasses and the cookies. Let’s talk outside.”
I push through the doors outside with a pain in my heart. I hate fighting with Hunt, and it’s all we’ve been doing for months. I flop down on the couch, placing the wine on the coffee table. Abby joins me a few minutes later, carrying a tray with glasses and a plate piled high with her infamous peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. She knows they’re my favorite, and she always makes them any time we’re visiting.
“They’re fresh,” she confirms, carefully depositing the tray on the table. “I made them this morning. I baked double my usual batch, so you can take some home with you tomorrow.”
“You’re the best.” I lean in and hug her, clinging to her a little tighter than usual.
“I know you said you didn’t want to talk about it, but I’m pulling the best-friend card out. You’re hurting, Sawyer is hurting, and the tension between you is obvious. Kids have a sixth sense for this stuff, and if Kai and I have noticed, you can bet Cuan and Aubree have too. Talk to me, Xavier. Please tell me what’s wrong. Maybe I can help.”
“I’m not sure anyone can,” I quietly admit as I watch Abby pour generous measures into both wineglasses.
“Let me be the judge of that.”
“You’ve got enough on your plate with Oli. I don’t want to burden you.”
“Don’t talk crap. We’re friends. Friends put aside their own shit to help their besties when it’s clear they’re upset. The best distraction is someone else’s problem, and trust me when I say I need that distraction. So, come on. Tell me what’s going on.”
I swallow a large mouthful of wine before I fess up. “Sawyer wants another kid. I don’t, and we’ve been arguing for months about it.”
Her eyes pop wide. “I so wasn’t expecting that. I thought you’d both agreed on two. One biological child each. What changed?”
I shrug. “I’m not really sure. I thought we were on the same page until he broached the subject in January. He wants another baby, but I think things are perfect, and why complicate it? We have demanding jobs and two kids with extracurricular activities to keep us busy. Life is good.” I sigh before reaching for a cookie. “Or it was before this difference of opinion.” I bite half the cookie in one go, chewing slowly as Abby clutches my free hand and gives it a comforting squeeze.
“We agreed to a truce for the vacation, and we had a great time without the stress of all this hanging over our heads.” I eat the rest of the cookie as Abby patiently waits for me to finish. “But it only served to highlight the gap that is growing between us, and I hate it.”
My heart heaves, and anxiety twists my stomach into knots. Tears stab the backs of my eyes as I stare at my best friend. “This is tearing us apart, and I’m so scared, Abs. I can’t lose Hunt, and I’m afraid if I don’t agree that I might.”
“Oh, Xavier.” She flings her arms around me, hugging me tight.
I cling to her with a desperation I haven’t felt in years. “What if he doesn’t want me anymore? What if I’m no longer enough? I mustn’t be if he doesn’t feel content with the way things are.”
“I’m sure it’s not that. Hunt loves you.” She leans back but keeps her arms around me. “Hunt fought for your love, and I know he wouldn’t give up on you. He just wouldn’t.”
I shrug, letting defeat roll over me like a tidal wave. “Every time we talk about it, we end up arguing and barely talking for days. It’s agony when we work and live together.”
“You’re both so freaking stubborn, and I’m saying that knowing Kai and I are equally stubborn too. But that’s really not healthy, Xavier. Our arguments can get very heated, but we always, always patch things up before bed. I know it’s cliché to say it, but we never go to sleep fighting, and you two would do well to try that approach.”
“That’s a moot point if I lose him.” My shoulders deflate. “My entire world revolves around that man, and I won’t survive it if he walks away.”
“Hey.” She cups my cheek. “It won’t come to that. Have you considered going for couples counseling? Maybe it would help you to talk it all out and reach a compromise.”
“I’m not sure how one compromises over something like this.”
“Either one of you could change your mind,” she suggests, lifting the plate and offering me another cookie.
“You just highlighted our stubbornness,” I grumble.
“Marriage is about compromise, and you’ve been together too long to let something like this destroy you. Every couple goes through ups and downs. This is just a stumbling block. A challenge to overcome and find a way to move forward. But you can’t give up, Xavier. That’s so not like you.”
I sip my wine, holding the cookie in my hand. “I haven’t been sleeping great lately. Work pressures play on my mind at night. We’re stretched so thin, and I don’t think I can handle the stress of finding a new surrogate, arguing over which one of us will donate sperm this time, or the sleepless nights and constant attention a newborn needs. It wouldn’t be fair to our existing family or the new child.”
“Hmm.” Abby swirls the lush red wine in her glass as she stares off into space. “Are you totally opposed to another baby because I remember someone wanting a whole football field full of kids.”
“That was the dream, but reality kicked it to the curb pretty fast. Don’t get me wrong, I love our kids, but I don’t want to stretch us too thin and not have enough time to devote to their needs.”
“I get why you wouldn’t want this right now, but if those obstacles weren’t an issue, would you want another baby?”
“Maybe.” I shrug. “I don’t know.” I drag my hand through the messy waves of my blue-black hair. “It’s hard to think clearly when those things are a part of my current reality.”
“The way I see it, none of those things are insurmountable. Get a prescription for sleeping pills or visit a naturopath, kinesiologist, or an acupuncturist to get help naturally for stress and sleep disturbance. Hire extra staff at work and delegate better, and you could always hire a nanny to help with the baby?”
“We didn’t use nannies with Cuan or Aubree, and I wouldn’t want any other kid to feel deprived of us during the formative years.”
“I get that. I always want my children to feel like they are equally loved and supported.” She drags her lower lip between her teeth. “What about parking the issue for a couple years? Would Sawyer be prepared to wait to reopen the subject until things are less hectic?”
“I don’t know. We haven’t discussed that.” The thought didn’t even occur to me, and if it occurred to Hunt, he didn’t mention it.
“You’re feeling overwhelmed right now, and it’s understandable you don’t want to add more to your plate. But you might feel differently in the future once things are less stressful.”
Hope butterflies inside me. My husband is a logical man, and this should appeal to that side of his brain. I know it’s still an emotional topic, but surely my silver fox would be open to at least discussing this as a temporary compromise? We certainly couldn’t wait more than a year or two. We’re both in our forties, and we don’t want to be too old if we add to our family. We need to be young enough to be around to watch them grow up and to have the energy to devote to their needs.
“You’re a genius, Abby. I should have ignored Hunt when he told me to keep this private. If I’d spoken to you months ago, we might have already found a resolution.”
“It’s easier to see a solution when it’s someone else’s problem.” Hurt splays in her eyes. “And hopefully Sawyer will be amenable to waiting.”
“I’ll talk to him when he gets back.” I take a large chunk out of my cookie, dropping crumbs on my lap. “Now,” I say in between bites. “Tell me the latest with Oli.”