SAINT BAPTISTE 2: the soul ties series

Chapter 7

I wokeup to the smell of bacon. Beef bacon. I could pinpoint the smell of it anywhere because it was my favorite. I hadn’t awakened to the smell of breakfast in years. Not since I was a child at my granny’s house.

Stretching, I ran my arms along the silk bedding and groaned. “Fuck.”

I was at Sienna’s house. Last night was somewhat of a blur. The only thing I could remember was yelling. Speeding, tears, and so much fucking yelling. From her...not me. I couldn’t remember shit she said but that anger was seared into my mind. She was so mad at me. I couldn’t remember Sienna ever being that mad at me. But in true Naoki and Sienna fashion, it didn’t stick. I wouldn’t have woken up to the smell of beef bacon at her house if it had.

Waking up to the smell of my favorite breakfast food should have put a smile on my face. My best friend was so fucking thoughtful. She went out and got me beef bacon because she wanted to make my day. Despite everything she had going on, SiSi woke up early to get beef bacon for me. She didn’t eat it, so she didn’t keep it in her house. So, I really, really should have been happy. But I wasn’t. I was terrified. Terrified because waking up to the smell of breakfast meant I wouldn’t be able to avoid the questions she had last night. I needed to leave.

I was a runner. Running for me meant picking up a last-minute nursing gig somewhere out of state or something. I ran to hide. But I couldn’t run. I was trapped. I hit another fucking brick wall. The first one was called Saint, this one called Sienna. And for some odd reason this wall felt bigger, taller, and scarier than the first.

I felt around the queen-sized bed, underneath the big pillows and the silk sheets, looking for my phone. When I didn’t find it in bed with me, I turned over on my side and found it on the nightstand beside a bottle of Vernors and a Stanback. A hangover kit. Thoughtful bitch. God, how lucky was I to have her?

Sitting on side of the bed, I cracked the seal to the Vernors and drank as much as I could before the acid forced me to burp. After sitting the bottle down, I took the Stanback and then finally picked the phone up. 10:15AM. And I had ten missed calls. Seven were from Sage, three from the hospital.

Hitting the lock button on the side of my phone, I scratched the back of my head with my freehand. Taking a deep breath, I massaged my temples, as foggy memories of last night flashed through my mind. God. I was broken. Not like that. I mean, of course I was broken in that way. But I was really broken. Couldn’t believe how close I’d come to asking Chase to fuck me. Desperation was gross.

With a sigh, I pushed up off the bed to use the connected bathroom. I sat on the toilet until my legs went numb. When it came time for me to wash my hands, I avoided the mirror. I couldn’t look at myself. But that didn’t last long. I had to look in the mirror to brush my teeth and wash my face. The emptiness in my eyes scared me most. I didn’t recognize myself anymore.

When I was finished, I stayed in the bathroom a little longer. Just pacing, trying to find a mask to put on. However, I came up empty.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I mumbled to myself, staring into the mirror with tears sitting behind my eyes.

I was defeated. I couldn’t shake back for shit! Who I was, was who I was. I couldn’t hide. You have any idea how uncomfortable that shit was for someone like me? She would ask me if I was okay and know I wasn’t because there was nothing for me to hide behind anymore. The shit made my skin crawl. I wanted to jump outside of my body. Needed to run. Honestly. Hated this. Hated everything about everything. She was mocking me, too. The bitch in mind. Taunting me, almost. Whispering at me about how there was nowhere to hide. About how Sienna would have to see me. About how she’d judge me and see that I wasn’t okay. She wouldn’t like the new me. Sienna, like everybody else, preferred Fun girl Kiki. She’d throw me away. She’d dispose of me, and I’d have nothing. I’d be alone. I’d be...

Nope.

Mm, mm.

I shook my thoughts away and turned to leave the bathroom.

I was slipping and I could not slip here. There was no mask for me to hide behind. I had to catch myself. Couldn’t just let that happen. Couldn’t lose time here. Had to ignore her, despite how hard that was to do without my mask, so far from the surface.

On my way back to the room, the sound of soft cooing coming from Baby Jah’s nursery stopped me. Slowly pushing the door open, I walked inside and smiled at him moving around his crib, trying to muster up a cry. I did a little jog over to the crib to pick him up before he could alarm his momma over the monitor.

“Hey boo-boo,” I whispered, as I rubbed my nose against his before putting my face against the crook in his neck to inhale that scent. The one that babies have that gives off serious baby fever. Not to me though. I was immune. Baby fever never worked on me. I would forever be the fine ass, fun, bougie, God Mommy. Not because I didn’t think I was ‘worthy’ of that white picket fence and the happily ever after. But because being anything other than that just wasn’t in the cards for me.

And that... it was okay.

Right before I could sit in the rocking chair, the bedroom door opened, and his clingy ass momma walked in. I looked down at him and ran my nose across his again. “I knew she was coming, Baby Jah. I don’t even know how she heard you. It’s like her ass got spidey senses or something.”

Sienna laughed. “Mmhmm. Spidey senses in my nipples. It’s time for him to eat.”

She stood right in front of me, but I couldn’t look up at her. I mean, Baby Jah was just that precious but that wasn’t why I couldn’t look at her. Didn’t want to see that look on her face. You know... the one stained with pity. She would try to hide it but because I knew her, I’d see it. She and I were good in the sense of wearing masks. I just happened to be better at keeping mine in place than she was. Probably because I’d been wearing them longer than she had. Sienna didn’t know how I looked without mine. That wasn’t her fault. Didn’t make her a shitty friend. Made me one.

SiSi reached for Baby Jah, and I handed him over. Her fingers brushed up against mine and I flinched a little. What the fuck was wrong with me? I felt like that ten-year-old girl who went from looking forward to Saturday’s to hating Saturday’s, sundresses, Val, and that small two-bedroom house.

I needed to leave.

I sucked in a deep breath and quickly turned my attention to the window. The sun was out. Playing peek-a-boo through the sheer, swaying curtain. Felt like she was calling me again.

“Naoki.”

“Hm?” I quickly answered, shifting my attention from the sun, to her, as she sat down in the rocking chair.

Damn. I wasn’t supposed to look at her, was I? She could see me. I wondered what she thought about me now. Wondered what she really thought. Did she still want me around? Did she still love me? Or did she think I was as pitiful as her eyes told me she thought I was?

I crossed my arms over my chest and looked away. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“How am I looking at you? Girl?—

“Stop looking at me like that, Sienna. For real.”

I didn’t like for people to look at me for too long. Not if they weren’t looking at me with fuck me eyes. She scrutinized me. She thought I was crazy. She didn’t have to say it, I could practically read her mind. I mean hell, I looked every bit of it. Everything about the last couple of months said I was losing it. I hadn’t been very ‘Naokiesque’. The shit at the Ladies’ Night, NeNe telling her my business, not answering her calls, pulling up at my house to find me climbing out of Chase’s car looking the way I was looking. I would never go out with a man like that. With my hair in a got damn bun? In gym shoes? Barefaced? I was crazy. She thought I was crazy. And since the bitch was in therapy she was trying to psychoanalyze me. Treating me like some?—

“Naoki... Please,” She nonchalantly replied, disregarding my attitude. “Anyway, I made breakfast. You need to eat I?—”

“I know. I smelled it when I woke up,” I quickly replied, with my arms crossed over my chest. “I was going to grab something on my way out but?—”

“You’re not leaving. You might as well get comfortable because bitch you owe me a conversation,” she cut in.

I glanced over at her, and she was popping her titty in Baby Jah’s mouth. There was nothing new about that. She always breastfed in front of me. However, there was something in her tone that was very different. She was such a fucking mother now. The authority was so... final. Like it was her way and no other way. I didn’t like it. But what was I supposed to do? Ruin the only friendship I had left?

My mind began to race. I had to find a way out. A way out that wouldn’t risk us. I couldn’t lose her. Every escape I came up with, would end us. Sienna was… she meant so much to me. Everything to me. I could say that without feeling weird about it. She was all I had. I couldn’t lose the only person I had. I…I had no way out. I had to be honest. But… if I was honest, if I showed her who I really was, she would probably leave me anyway. There was no winning. There was no?—

“I’ve been very patient with you, Ki. But I’m done,” she said with a condescending laugh. “I’ve been patient enough. Yo know how I feel about boundaries but there’re boundaries and then there’s this. You’re... I don’t know. You’ve been really fucking off lately and?—”

“Why do you want to talk so bad? So you can have something to tell your fucking sister? Hmm? I heard you on the phone earlier. It was NeNe right? You tell her about last night? I know you did.” I laughed. “Man! Why won’t she just mind her muthafucking business? Look ain’t shit to talk about. I don’t have anything for you to feed that bitch. Nothing for y’all to gossip about. Mmkay? Probably been talking shit about me since Ladies’ Night.”

I was pacing. I flew off the handle. I was pissed. Pissed because I didn’t have anywhere to run. Pissed because I didn’t have a mask and she... she was cornering me in. I was like a child, having a tantrum. I just wanted to be left alone. Just wanted Sienna to stop asking me what was wrong. Just... I didn’t want to fucking talk about it.

Sienna didn’t say anything. I didn’t even feel her eyes on me. I didn’t want her eyes on me. But not having them on me made me feel like she was done. Like, she didn’t care. And for some reason, the way she didn’t care... it made me sink further. I was so far from the surface that I didn’t know if there even was a way out. Had I already lost her? Shit… fuck it. Sienna was at her breaking point. I felt it. I could see it. It was written all over her face. And last night it was loud. Not because she was yelling. The yelling… it meant nothing. Arguing and yelling wasn’t anything new to us. It was the undertone. It was the pain behind the yelling. And today? Today she was calm. She gave me silence. That meant she was tired of me. Cool. That was done. We were done.

I laughed. Huffed a little. But really, it was just to hide the pain. I was hurt. Severely. To my core. I hadn’t felt pain like that in years. It sent me walking straight toward the door. I wanted to at least kiss Baby Jah goodbye but... I needed to cry, and I couldn’t cry in front of her.

Before I could walk out of the room, she said, “You know I love you, right, Ki?”

My bottom lip trembled and the tears I didn’t want to cry in front of her built. They grew with every passing second. I tried to hold them back but there was this uncomfortable pain in my neck. All I had to do was release and the pain would subside. All I needed to do was cry. But... she was behind me. Our backs were to one another but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t hear the tears in my voice.

“Um,” I paused and shifted around a bit. Tried to swallow that pain, but the longer I resisted, the more it hurt.

Finally, I released them. Let them flow. And my God, I crumbled. I couldn’t control myself. It was as if everything I’d been holding onto for the last decade erupted from the deepest depths of my soul. It was explosive. Like snipping the red wire on a detonated bomb, when you should’ve snipped blue.

When I fell to the floor, I heard Sienna get up from the rocking chair. She laid Baby Jah down and then, instead of telling me to get up, joined me. She wrapped her arms tight around my body and with as much strength as she could muster up, pulled us both against the closed door. I was deadweight but she didn’t let go of me. Didn’t complain. Instead, she just held me and let me cry. Resting against her, I continued to cry that uncontrollable, body quivering, gut wrenching cry I prayed I’d forget about tomorrow.

“Please Ki. Talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong,” she softly pled once I calmed down.

Talk to her.

Tell her what’s wrong.

What was I supposed to say?

Where was I supposed to start? Age ten? Or… was I supposed start at eight? I couldn’t talk to her. I couldn’t tell her what was wrong. Not everything at least. Not yet.

“I can’t,” I whispered with a shaky breath.

“I’m worried about you, sis.”

“Don’t be,” I mumbled. “Don’t worry about me. You can’t worry about me.”

She lifted her head, leaned over and looked me in the face. “How can’t I worry about you? And you don’t talk to me?”

We locked eyes and I lightly shrugged. “We do talk.”

She shook her head. “No, we don’t. Not like we used to. Not about,” she paused and motioned toward me. “This. Something is wrong. I haven’t seen you cry since we were kids.”

Something was wrong.

There was a lot wrong.

The ‘ugly shit’ was still on the surface. I couldn’t put it back. Not even sex with Saint had been enough to rebury it. That was how I knew something was horribly wrong. I was afraid there was no burying it. I was afraid I couldn’t hide from it anymore. Seeing her... seeing him. Them. It had brought it all to the surface. Not in the way that Sage had brought it to surface. This time, it was here to stay. There was no mask to hide behind. No dirt to cover it.

“You know what we haven’t done in a long ass time?” she whispered, after I didn’t answer her.

“What?” I breathed out.

“Sit by the water, get high, talk, laugh... shit, just be,” She said with a smile I felt against my cheek. “When is the last time we did that?”

We were going to talk. There was no more avoiding. No more running. Just... time for me to face the music. Time for me to tell her the truth. As much of it as I could anyway.

I giggled and wiped my face with the back of my hand. “That day I put flats in three of tires on Denim’s Yukon and candy bars in his gas tank.”

She laughed. “Bitch we got the fuck out of the hood so fast.”

“Mmhmm. In his Caprice,” we both laughed. “He had the whole hood out looking for me. Talkin’ about he would have called the police on me but he ain’t no snitch.” I paused and sniffled. “That nigga was mad for days.”

“We stayed out there until the sun came up,” she reminisced.

Life was simpler back then. Hell, and chaotic, but simpler. I was nineteen and free. I thought I was, at least. Physically, I was free. Mentally? I wasn’t. I was suffering. I pretended I was okay. Pretending back then was easier. Everyone was having too much fun to notice or give a fuck. I was too much fun to have anything wrong with me! Not Naoki! The hood chick with the bubbly, wild, carefree personality.

I hated for people to see the real me. Who I was underneath the pretty face, deep dimpled smiles, raunchy jokes, charisma, and promiscuous ways. I needed people to see me at my best. I had to be, although... really, I was really fucking broken.

They didn’t know though.

No one did.

“Mmhmm,” I agreed. With a light chuckle I added. “Your daddy was mad.”

“As hell,” she paused and exhaled. “We need one of those nights.”

Instead of responding, I sat up. With my head low, I sat on the floor with my knees pulled up to my chest, eyes to the floor, shoulders heavy. Felt like the weight of everything sat on them. Her pitiful eyes on me, that ugly shit, defeat, heartbreak… just… everything. I hated it. It was too much for me to carry. Part of the reason I chose to lay in bed all day every day was because of that weight.

“Tonight?” She softly asked. “Well, tomorrow... whenever?—”

“Tonight.”

If we waited for tomorrow, I’d run. And if I ran, I would risk losing the only person that truly cared about me. I almost lost her. Almost let the past ruin us. I never let it get in the way of our friendship before, I couldn’t let it get in the way now. Sienna had given a lot to the friendship—it would only be fair for me to do the same.

“Okay.”

I took in a deep breath, shook my head, and turned to lie back down but she stopped me.

“We can sit here for five more minutes. After that, you’re going to eat breakfast. Then, you’ll shower while I find you something to wear, okay?” She told me.

I didn’t say anything, just sat there, trying to mentally brace myself for what I knew would come. There she was again, mothering me. Bitch had turned into such a mother since having children. It was cute. It was that authority that constantly got me. I appreciated having someone that really cared about me though.

“I need you to say okay, Kiki,” Sienna pressed.

“Okay,” I whispered.

Today time was on crack.One minute I was having a meltdown, the next I was laughing over cartoons with Dream, eating beef bacon. That was how emotionally erratic I was. How emotionally erratic I had to be. If I truly succumbed to all of the pain I was in, I would lie down and literally wilt away. But I couldn’t let that happen. Breakfast over cartoons with Dream, while Baby Jah cooed in his bouncer, and Sienna ran around tidying up, wouldn’t let me. I had people. I had a reason not to be defeated.

We were at the water. Downtown at the riverwalk. Standing at the fence overlooking the water, talking. Well, SiSi was talking about the kids. Creating small talk. I listened and offered a giggle and a hell naw here and there. It wasn’t that I didn’t care, my mind was just on the reason the small talk was created in the first place. Plus, we were high. Had just popped edibles. Sativa. It was perfect for a night like tonight. I needed something to relax me and that’s exactly what it did.

Against my skin, though not too warm, the sun felt amazing. She was setting. And since she was leaving, the sun kiss was a little different. Tender and subtle. But I appreciated it just the same. I closed my eyes as a cool breeze of wind swept across my face. The weather was changing. It was a little over forty but since we were by the water, it felt a lot colder. We had on coats. Mine was borrowed from her closet. Everything I had on was SiSi’s. Dressing this morning, in clothes that were hers, reminded me of our younger years, and the short period of time I stayed with her and her peoples. I didn’t have shit, but they kept food in my stomach and clothes on my back with no questions asked.

That’s why I was alright with the conversation.

If there was anybody in the world that deserved the true me, it was her. I never thought she didn’t. It wasn’t about that. I was just... afraid. I could barely face myself without my mask, of course it was hard to face anyone else. Who I was... when no one was around... when it was just me... she was on the surface. She was here to stay. And sometimes, she just wasn’t as pretty as the other versions of me. Who I was without my mask, was my biggest insecurity.

Was it so wrong to want to hide that from her?

“What do you think? Jahad is against it but?—”

“I haven’t been okay for a while, Si,” I interrupted.

She was on topic number five. Getting Baby Jah’s ears pierced. She didn’t want to talk about that. She knew I was with whatever she was with, right or wrong sadly.

Sienna took a deep breath. “Saint?”

I lightly laughed and hung my head before looking back over at her. “Saint is just... he’s just... the tipping point. Saint, compared to everything else is a damn mustard seed. But since we’re on that. I guess I could start there. He’s light. That’s... that’s light.”

I rarely thought about Saint. Saint wasn’t the problem. My problems were bigger than him. What happened at Pandora’s happened because I led us there. I was responsible for that shit. No one else. Was led there by the same problems that were bigger than him. Problems that started before I met him. Before I knew he existed. I could’ve taken the easy way out and lied by blaming him. Would’ve been a lot easier to talk about than the ugly shit. The ugly shit that made us complicated. The ugly shit that made me build walls with barriers. The ugly shit that made me shy away every time he ‘stayed’ for too long.

But I couldn’t lie because I owed Sienna more than that.

“You were right,” I said through a sigh. “I fell in love, bitch. Fell hard too. But I shouldn’t have. You know just as well as I know that love doesn’t fit in an equation that has the two of us in it. It’s been chaotic. But really, Si... it’s been beautiful too. If we didn’t have those moments, I wouldn’t have fallen in love. Shit, I wish it was just sex. That man,” I paused and shook my head. “The way he makes me feel Si. My God… I just… when I’m in it. I mean, deep in it. I get delusional and that shit… it’s not good for me. He’s not good for me.”

“Why do you think that though, Ki?”

I laughed and shook my head. “Did you just hear me say he made me delusional?”

“Love makes you delusional, Naoki,” she replied with a frown as to say ‘duh’. “Delusion is a big part of it. Really if you ask me that’s what love is. You know how delusional a person has to be to fall in love? I mean really? To trust someone else with their heart?—”

“It’s not that,” I interrupted. “It’s not that simple, Sienna.” I tossed my head back and put my eyes on the sky. Mainly to keep my tears at bay. But as usual, God and his artistry wowed me. The sky was absolutely beautiful, painted in hues of orange and purple. Colors created by my favorite part about the sky—the sun. Tell me... was there ever a point in time that she wasn’t a bad bitch? I mean, damn!

Sighing, I closed my eyes and the tears I held back, rolled down the sides of my face. “The type of delusion I’m talking about is...” I swallowed.

Was I really going to be honest? Would I really share the things I only shared here, inside, with her? I wasn’t afraid that she would judge me. Wasn’t afraid that she’d run and tell Mahogany. Earlier, that was my failed attempt at running. Our friendship had only lasted this long because of loyalty. Love too, but love was nothing without loyalty. It was that fear of being seen, gnawing at me, stopping me... preventing me from being my truest, authentic self.

“I don’t get the fairytale love story, Sienna. Women like me. we don’t... we don’t get happily ever after. We—no... I—I get what I’ve gotten. The bare minimum. But that’s okay because... because that’s what I asked for. That’s what I wanted?—”

“But you want more,” she added, interlocking her arm with mine.

“Mmhmm,” I mumbled, through pursed lips. “Wanted more and?—”

“You want more. And that’s okay, boo. You deserve more. To want more isn’t delusional.”

She still didn’t get it. She didn’t understand me. I didn’t want to have to blurt it out. Didn’t want to tell her more. Just... Just wanted to tell enough. Just hoped that she would be able to find and put the missing pieces to the story together.

“Si... No, this isn’t about what ‘I deserve’,” I paused, finally lowered my head and shifted my focus to the water. It was beautiful. The reflection of the sky against it was almost as if I hadn’t shifted my focus at all. “Sienna... You’ve had a beautiful life alright?”

She didn’t say anything because she couldn’t. Sienna came from a two-parent household. She knew what real love looked like. Had a picture-perfect view of it right in front of her every day. The men in her life—the ones closest to her at least—treated her right. Her father loved her dearly.

Growing up, I didn’t have that. Growing up, most of the men that walked in and out of my life wanted something from me. Their love was conditional. The conditions it came with poisoned me. Mind, body, and spirit. The earliest memory I had of ‘conditional love’ was at age eight. That’s when it began. That was when I found my first ‘mask’. After a man I was supposed to call Uncle Johnny told me to sit on his lap.

Eight was the first stage. Like cancer. The kind of cancer that had a high survival rate if caught early enough. Minor, really. But if left untreated, could turn terminal. That’s what happened. The cancer... it was left untreated. It moved through me at a slow pace. At ten the cancer... it progressed. My God, it progressed. And it just... kept getting worst.

That was when the digging started. The hole just got bigger, and deeper as time went on. And I just kept piling things down there. Kept burying it. That was the treatment plan. It worked. It worked until it didn’t. Until the cancer came back. Burying was like chemo. It didn’t really get rid of the cancer, just... shrunk it. It needed to be removed. Needed to be... taken out but... I was afraid of what that meant. Afraid of what going through that would feel like. I just wanted to forget it was there.

But Sage.

Sage was like... she was like that doctor? That doctor that wouldn’t leave a bitch alone! She just... she brought it up. Made me remember that the cancer was still there and that?—

I was drowning.

Sinking.

“Naoki,” Sienna called out, placing her hand on my shoulder. “We don’t have to do this right now.”

Needed to talk to her. Not here. But… talking here. Man, it was easier. I didn’t have to hide here. Didn’t have to pretend I was okay here. There was no judgment. No one to confess to. No risk. Just… freedom to speak. But shit, even here I had to find a metaphor. Ain’t that crazy? The shit we hide from ourselves, when really, the one person we can’t hide from is self?

“Yes we do,” I somberly answered her with a deep sigh. “You had a beautiful life growing up. Part of the reason I couldn’t understand why you dealt with that shit from Amiri for so long was because of that. You didn’t have to settle because unlike me you weren’t stained. You haven’t been tainted and?—”

“Stained?—

“Let me finish, Sienna. Because,” I laughed. “Now is the only time you’re going to get this shit out of me. So, please… let me talk. So, that delusion. It makes me forget I don’t get the story like yours. There is no Prince Charming for me. Delusion for someone like me, with someone like him is… catastrophic. I don’t get love because,” I laughed. Did that sometimes to stop from crying. “I don’t get love. That’s not how my story ends. Love isn’t for women like me. The white picket fence. The kids. The… floating as you call it. The true love. Girls like me are only good for one thing. That’s what he said. What he told me?—“

“Who told you that bullshit? Saint? If Saint said that shit to?—”

“No. Not Saint, SiSi.” I flatly responded. “Remember your momma found that—never mind. Anyway,” I shook my head and caught myself. I could only share so much. Couldn’t share too much. Wasn’t ready to go that deep. I could only scrape from the surface. My shit was piled in layers and… yeah. Sienna could only get the top layer. She was smart. Very smart. She didn’t need all of them to figure it out! She was there for all of it. Every stage except for the first. Except for the first sight of the ‘cancer’. She could… she’d figure it out.

“Anyway!” I breathed out. “I’m—I’m going somewhere. You following me, SiSi? Hmm?”

Sienna nodded. “Yep. I’m—I’m following you, Ki.”

“Good,” I mumbled.

I then went on to tell her as much as I could without telling her the whole story. Just… left enough gaps. She could fill them in. SiSi was good like that. Told her why I couldn’t lose myself in delusion. Getting attached to that ridiculous possibility of a ‘happily ever after’ that wasn’t constructed for girls like me. The girls who learned very early on that those pathetic ass fairytales weren’t written with us in mind. Since learning it, I carried that with me every single fucking day.

Girls like me are only good for one thing.

He said that.

He told me that.

At eleven years old... he told me I was only good for... for that and it stuck with me. and every day since, I lived my life with that belief embedded in me. But... he told me a lot of things. I buried to forget. But since I couldn’t bury anymore, the things he said... they were on the surface. Cycled through my head on repeat as if he’d said it just yesterday.

“You been walkin’ around all day in this lil’ ass skirt waiting for me to come in here and fuck ya’ haven’t you?”

“You want to take it for her too? Good. You get double.”

“I found the letter you wrote ya mama. Who you think she gon’ believe? Your fast ass or me?”

“I’ma tell ya mama we havin another sleepover tonight. I’ma stay allll night. And you better be a good girl for daddy.”

“Come here and give daddy a kiss. I love you. I’m the only man that’s gon’ love you.”

“Gon’ and run your mouth to the neighborhood if you want to, Naoki. Put that out there. You gon’ always be known as the fast ass little bitch that fucked her momma husband.”

“Ain’t no man gon’ ever want you for nothin’ other than that nice lil’ pussy you got between your legs.”

I wrapped my arms around my body and closed my eyes.

“One time,” I lightly giggled. “I was watching um...”

I shook my head and took a deep breath and sank, just a little bit. Not too much. Just enough to tell her just enough. So she could get it. So she would understand why I said what I said about love and delusion. Just so she could understand me a little more. Because.... she didn’t. She thought I turned into that girl because I wanted to. Thought I did that because one day I just what? Woke up and decided to become a ho. What? Decided because Denim cheated on me that all of a sudden I wanted to be a slut? Wanted to sleep around? How? He had power, but not that much power.

Not as much power as Mr. Bill.

“I was watching... Cinderella. The one with Brandy... he walked over and whispered in my ear. Valerie was right in the kitchen. You remember how our house was set up?”

“Mmhmm.”

I didn’t need to see her or hear her speak to know she was crying. Could recognize Sienna’s tears in any way. Even in something as simple as an mmhmm.

“He told me girls like me didn’t get a happily ever after.”

And I didn’t.

Didn’t get it with Denim. Thought I would. Thought I would have all five of the baby’s he wanted. But... he cheated. And I found I was pregnant on the bathroom floor at Shopper’s World, in the middle of a miscarriage I suffered through alone. After that, I remembered. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Why. The reason.

I didn’t get happy endings. I was only good for one thing. I was a slut. I was worthless. The only man who could ever love me was him. And he used it as a weapon. Was only nice to me if I did a good job. Only showed me love and showered me with praise if I did a good job. if I behaved. If when he told me to ‘give daddy a kiss’ I did it without complaining. If I didn’t cry when he came to see me at night, he was nice. He treated me like a queen. But if I cried... if I told him to stop... he hurt me.

I realized Denim was the same way. Only good to me if I was good to him. As I laid in that hospital bed, in pain, both physically and spiritually, I vowed to never let another person hurt me like that again. I told myself I would set the rules. I would, before they could even try to use me, I would create this box. The box was my way of protecting myself from disappointment. From heartache. I wouldn’t fall in love because the box... it protected me. Kept everyone out. I was safe there. What he said I wouldn’t get didn’t matter because guess what? I convinced myself that I didn’t want it. Made myself believe it. It worked. For a very, very long time. Until it didn’t. Until I met him, and he broke those barriers down and... I fucked up. Slipped into delusion. I forgot. Forgot about what I couldn’t have. Forgot about what he told me and guess what happened?

I was reminded. Sage reminded me by mentioning sacrifice as if I didn’t get double because of her! But... you know what... I ignored her. I said, fuck her and pushed that ugly shit right back where I needed it. Got another ‘cancer treatment’. Another round of ‘chemo’. Buried it. Just for it to come right back. It was... terminal now. On the fucking surface. Spreading like California wildfires. Sage and that word... it wasn’t enough.

The reminder had to be loud and bold because I kept fucking forgetting. Kept slipping. When I walked into that hospital room and saw him lying there, I knew. I understood. I... I wouldn’t slip again. I—I couldn’t. Somehow, I had to figure out a way to build another wall. Had to find another box. Had to... get back to who I used to be.

But I couldn’t.

I honestly, couldn’t. and that scared me because what was I supposed to do now? Now? Just... die alone? Just accept the fact that I would die wanting that beautiful love story that I wouldn’t get because he said so?

Sienna grabbed my shoulders and turned me to face her. “Naoki, look at me.”

I couldn’t.

Kept my eyes closed. Refused to look at her. If I opened my eyes, she would see it. She would see me dying... inside. I hated to admit it. I hated how bad I wanted that with him. Hated how much I wanted something I would never get. Hated how wanting it so bad had forced me into this conversation. I fucked up.

I shouldn’t have?—

“Please, Ki. Please look at me, boo,” Sienna begged.

I listened. Opened my eyes and wished I hadn’t. her face was soaked with tears. I didn’t... I didn’t like that. I didn’t want to make her sad. Didn’t want my shit to become her shit because that’s what Sienna did. That’s what she always did. She had enough shit.

“I’m sorry Si. I didn’t want you to worry about me. I?—”

“You deserve it,” She interrupted, before brushing a tear from my face. “The things he said about you aren’t true. What he said about fairytales and girls like you... not true. And because you deserve it, you’re going to get it. And baby,” she shook her head, “Whew! When you get it... it’s going to be so beautiful Ki. Unbelievably beautiful. That man is going to sweep you off your feet. He’s going to make you soar. With him, you’re going to float. You will lose time. People will fade. The world around you.. everything in it. He will make you feel in unimaginable ways. And when that love finds you... when the time is right... you’ll be ready.”

I laughed and tried to pull away, but she stopped me. She placed her hands on the sides of my face and held me there. “I’m so sorry he did this to you. I’m sorry he made you close.”

“He made me what?”

“Close your heart,” she softly told me before swiping another tear away. “One day, you’ll open again. And when you do... that’s when it’ll happen. That’s when you will float. That’s when you will give and receive love without limits. That’s when it’ll happen.” She smiled, with tears rolling down her face. ”That is when you’ll fall freely, without that fear of gravity because... when you fall... gravity won’t exist.” She paused, pulled me into her arms and held me tighter than she ever had before. “I can’t wait to see it. Can’t wait to see who you become once you open.”