Sanctuary (the Affliction Trilogy #2)

Chapter 4

Four

I n a state of semi-consciousness, I struggle to force my eyes open. My brain is wide awake, but my body is having a hard time coming out of its exhausted state. I don't want to finish the recurring dream I'm witnessing behind closed eyes. I already know how it ends...with me pulling the trigger. I try to reason with myself that it's not real, and I need to wake up.

It takes a couple of false starts. The kind of dreams where you think you’ve woken up only to find yourself in another nightmare before my body complies. I glance around at my unfamiliar surroundings. We found shelter last night in a two-bedroom cabin. Logs make up the interior walls, and the bedroom is decorated with the necessities—a twin bed, dresser, and nightstand. A single-pane window on the far wall frames the slight orange hue of a pre-dawn sky. It’s more than cozy with six of us inside, but it was a safe place to get some rest.

I roll to my side and come face to face with Ryland. He’s fast asleep. The worry line that typically creases between his eyes has vanished, and his lips are pink and pursed. There's a childlike quality to him when he's not carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. I reach out and wrap a rogue wave around my finger and marvel at how silky-soft it is. I'm always fascinated with him, from his absolute loyalty for those he loves to the way each of his features complements each other. He's the most beautiful person I've ever seen and being near him is sometimes overwhelming.

I roll onto my back, running my hands over my eyes to remove the remnants of sleep. My skin is rough, and my hair is crusty. Unlike the rest of our group, I didn't go to the stream running behind the house to clean up last night. The second I laid eyes on the bed, I knew I didn't have the energy to remove my dirty clothes before I collapsed. It's beyond me how Ryland could even stand to crawl in beside. I'm still a total mess from yesterday's battle against the horde.

Removing his hand from my hip, I slide out of the bed. I pick up my soiled clothes from the ground, put them on, and grab my backpack of supplies. I spare a look at the door to the room across the hall that River and Noah claimed as theirs for the night as I continue to the front of the house. It’s nothing spectacular. The living room and kitchen combine into one open space with simple worn furnishings throughout. Sprawled out on the couch asleep is Wes. A blanket lays across him haphazardly, and he's clothed in nothing but a pair of jean shorts. He looks as if he has been sound asleep for hours.

I open the front door and slide out onto the small wooden porch wrapping around the cabin. Aiden sits on a rocking chair with a gun in his hand, and his blond locks standing on end. He greets me with a hushed “Good morning.”

“Good morning. I see you got the crap shift last night,” I say, feeling a twinge of guilt knowing nobody woke me to work guard duty.

He shrugs. “I figured it was the least I could do since Ry was adamant about pulling a double. He didn't want to wake you.”

I sit in the chair next to him and stare at the stream off in the distance. The faint sound of running water lulls me into thoughts about yesterday and how I zoned in on Ryland just in time. Thankfully, I came to his rescue, and yet, I blame myself for that as well. If it weren't for me, he and his friends would've been home right now. I know it was their choice to stay, but it doesn’t change that they stayed because of me.

“What do you think Ryland would be doing if he hadn't come after me?” I wonder out loud.

Aiden rocks back and forth in his chair, and without hesitation says, “He'd be gutted if he left you behind.”

“How do you know?”

“Has he ever told you how we met?” I shake my head, and he continues, “My family moved from the western region of Giran to the central region when I was ten. I was devastated. I didn't know a single soul, and all I wanted was to go home. For the first few weeks, I was alone, and then I ran into this strange kid sitting by himself on the playground. His parents had just divorced, and he was a mess. I don't know what drew me to him, or why I kept hanging out with him. He wasn't even that fun when we first met. It took him a while to come out of his dark place, but when he did, he took me out of mine too. He's been my best friend for as long as I can remember. I've been by his side through good and bad, and I've never seen anyone bring out what you do in him. Ry knew what he was doing when he ran after you. We all did. I don't know why, but this is where all of us belong for now.”

I shake my head. “You belong with your families at home.”

“We all belong with our families; we're leaving together.” He reaches over and ruffles the top of my hair. “You're deserving of the sacrifices he makes and of his love, Quinn,” he states with a soft resolve.

I don't know if I fully believe it's true. Ryland gave up so much for me, and still, he sacrifices the littlest comforts to ensure my own. Sometimes I can't help but feel like I'll never be able to repay him for his kindness and love.

Aiden hooks his finger under my chin and forces me to meet his crystal blue gaze. “You know what bothers you?” He doesn't wait for me to answer, “You're not sure if you'd have done the same for him. If the roles were reversed, and it was Ry who had to stay, and you had the chance to leave, you're not sure if you'd have returned for him.”

My voice raises as I say, “I've risked my life for him several times. You know I love him. I'd die for him.”

“I don't doubt that, but would you have sacrificed your family for him in that moment? Would you have given up reuniting River with your parents?”

I scrunch my face, curling my lip. I want to play it off as if he's being ridiculous, but deep down, I don't have the answers he seeks. It scares the hell out of me that he might be right. It's easy to say I'd have done the same for Ryland, but if I'm honest with myself, I'm not so sure. For so long, I'd been focused on returning to my family, I don't know if I could've walked away from the opportunity.

I push to my feet, livid with myself because the only truthful answer I can give him is I don't know . There's a possibility I would've walked away from Ryland and never looked back, and I despise myself for it. I yank my backpack off the deck and sling it over my shoulder.

Aiden reaches for my arm as I walk away. “Quinn.”

I pull away and sidestep him. “I need to get cleaned up,” I say, leaving the porch and heading toward the stream.

The sun sits low, brightening the sky with orange, pink, and lavender. It supplies all the light I need to make my way to the flowing water. I travel back a bit, finding a little alcove of trees and a place where the water pools deep enough to swim. My skin tingles at the mere thought of sinking in and submerging myself until all the grime coating my skin and hair washes away.

I take my gun out of my backpack, placing it on the stream’s bank. My clothes cling to my body, and I'm eager to peel them away until I'm naked. I test the water with the tip of my toe, shivering at how chilly it is. With a deep breath, I forge ahead and move to the middle of the pool where the water darkens. I dunk my head under and run my hands over my body, scrubbing away the dirt. As the grime and Z blood flow away from my body, I feel five pounds lighter. But my soul is still heavy.

Aiden's voice echoes in my mind, and I try to find an honest answer to his question, but it's not that easy. With one simple inquiry, everything I thought to be true about myself has been flipped upside down.

For months now, I've reasoned that risking my life for Ryland put us on even ground. My sacrifices are just as limitless as his. But this one burning question brings up many more. Would I have walked away without looking back? For two years, my life's mission has been to return to my family with River. It was all that mattered to me until Ryland and the boys entered our lives. But could I have given up my family for him? I hate that I can't say without a doubt I would have.

Again, I dip my head under the freshwater and try to clear away my ambiguities, but it doesn't work. As I reach the surface, I use my palms to brush away the water and pull my hair back from my face. When I open my eyes, the reason for my uncertainty sits at the edge of the stream. A folded towel lies in Ryland's lap, and his arms rest on his bent knees. A lopsided grin plays at his lips as he watches me.

“How long have you been there?” I ask, sinking deeper into the water.

His eyes sparkle as he says, “Not long, but it's been entertaining all the same.”

My cheeks heat, and my stomach does a cartwheel.

“I brought you a towel, but you don't have to use it if you'd rather air dry.” He holds up the white terrycloth and cocks an eyebrow. I love when he lets his guard down, and I get a glimpse of his carefree side.

“Tempting, but I think I'll stick with the towel.”

He stands and holds the plush fabric open for me.

“You have to turn away,” I say, paddling to the bank. I have my bold moments with him, but today I feel anything but.

He smiles and shakes his head. “Of course, I wouldn't dream of looking.”

“You promise?”

He crosses his fingers over his heart. “Promise.”

With his head turned away, I wade through the water toward him. He keeps his word and even closes his eyes for good measure. When I reach him, he wraps the towel around my soaking body and looks down at me. “See, I can behave myself.”

He's so damn captivating, I can't help but return his smile. “You have your moments, Shaw.”

“I like to think I have quite a few moments.” His fingers grasp a wet strand of hair hanging over my shoulder before he brushes his knuckles over my collarbone and along the side of my neck. His other hand slides around my waist, pulling me against him as I clutch the towel.

The gentle brush of his mouth has my heart beating at light speed. There might be times where I question things between us, but my body's reaction to him is indisputable. I stand on my tiptoes and press into him, deepening the kiss. It’s been days since the last time this happened, and I miss everything from the way he holds me to the taste of his skin.

He cradles my face in both hands, rubbing his thumbs over my cheeks as he pulls away. “I know something is bothering you. Why won't you tell me what's going on?”

“Yesterday was a lot to take in,” I answer.

“I understand that, and I'm sorry you had to see what became of that family. But is that all?”

I refuse to lie to him; he deserves better. I’m just not sure I can say the words.

I turn away and Ryland follows me over into the grassy clearing. He stops me before I bend down and unzip my backpack. “Don't do that. Don't shut down and push me out, thinking you're protecting me. You're freaking me out by not talking to me, Quinn.”

I swallow the lump in my throat and take a seat in the tall green grass. I pull the towel around me and bring my knees to my chest. Ryland doesn't wait for an invitation, sitting next to me. I pluck a white daisy from the ground, twirling it between my fingers as I work through what I want to say. I don't know a perfect place to begin, so I just let go.

“Lately, I feel so unworthy of your love.”

His head jerks up and his brows furrow. He bites his lips and reaches for the pendant hanging from his neck, fidgeting with it as he stares straight ahead.

I continue saying, “Instead of going home, you stayed with me. I don't know if I were in your place in that moment, and you were in mine, if I would've gone after you. If I had a chance to get River home, I might have walked away and left you here.” My chest aches, scared I've broken his heart.

He looks at the ground and shakes his head. “I would've wanted you to go if you had the chance.”

“I hate knowing that I might not have sacrificed for you the way you've done for me. The thought is eating at me,” I say, trying to make him understand without causing him more pain. It seems like an impossible feat.

“This isn't a competition, Quinn. It's not about repayment, and no one is keeping score. This is about giving and taking, love. There's no minimum or limit to either side. So, what if you would've gone without me? Would you have missed me? Would you have worried about me? Would you still love me?”

“Of course,” I whisper.

“Look at me.”

I raise my eyes to his.

“I love you, Quinnten Ellery. My love for you isn't perfect. It has room to grow and strengthen. I expect you to meet me where you are right now . No more and no less. I believe with everything I am that if roles were reversed and you were given that chance now, you wouldn’t leave me. And if you did, I wouldn’t love you any less for taking the opportunity to get back to your family. It’s no different from how you would feel about me if I left, is it?”

I shake my head and quietly say, “No. I wanted you to go because I care about you so much, but a selfish part of me is happy you stayed.”

“I’m happy I stayed too. I have no regrets when it comes to you. I promise that you and I will return to a conversation like this one day. When we do, the sacrifices we'll have made for each other will be endless. I'm not in any rush with you.”

Using the edge of the towel, I wipe the tears from my eyes. He’s right; I can’t imagine leaving him now. And I’d never regret staying behind with him. Never.

“Do you love me, Quinn?” he asks.

“Yes, I love you more than anything,” I reply.

“Then it's more than I could ask for.” He pulls me to his side and kisses the top of my head. “We're still fairly new at this. It's going to take some time to discover who we are together. We're young and stupid, and most definitely don't have this all figured out, but we'll overcome all of it. Together.”

“What would I do without you?”

He rests his cheek in my hair. “Your life would be lacking in wit and charm.”

I playfully shove his shoulder and get to my feet. “I'm going to get changed, and then I'll meet you back at the house.”

“I promise not to look.” He smirks.

“I was lucky the first time. I'm not taking that chance again.”

He stands and folds my hand in his before leaning in and kissing me. “Don't be too long.”

“I won't.”

He heads back to the house, leaving me to finish dressing. Once I'm covered, I fall back into the grass, wanting a minute to take in everything before I return to the harsh realities of my life. I let Ryland's words soak in and soothe my doubts about my love for him. He wants to accept me where I am, it's so easy. He loves me so much that he doesn't hold my flaws against me. I’m coming to understand that many of my fears come from never being in a mature relationship before. My frame of mind still lingers with adolescent notions of how things should be between us. I have a lot to learn, and he's proven again that he'll work through it with me. He loves every single bit of me, and I love all of him.

I watch the fluffy white clouds roll across the blue sky as I soak in everything he said. The early morning light warms my face and my eyelids grow heavy. I give into the moment of peace and let myself drift off.

Someone pulls me to my feet. A hand clamps over my mouth and nose, making it hard to breathe. I reach for my gun at the small of my back and find it missing; it's still sitting at the edge of the stream. Without a second thought, I swing my arms and stomp on the foot of the person behind me. When it doesn't make them release their hold, I bite down on the fleshy palm obstructing my screams.

“God dammit,” says an unfamiliar gruff voice as his arm around my waist crushes me like a vice.

“Looks like we found ourselves a feisty one,” declares another man.

“We’ll get a good reward for her.”

It’s the last thing I hear before a skull-splitting blow cracks against my head, and my world goes dark.