Saving the Halfback

1. Bailey

1

Bailey

Monday

I glanced in the mirror, seeing only a ghost of the girl I’d once been. Her pale skin and dull eyes were something I could barely stand. I glimpsed her and was reminded of who I had become, someone not true to myself.

It’s amazing—as we grow, parts of us change and re-form, while other parts are heavily influenced by those around us. I didn’t want to be influenced anymore. I wanted to be seen as Bailey. The girl I could’ve been. If I tilted my head a certain way, I could see the amber color in my eyes, instead of faded brown. Amber was a prettier color. Amber was sunlight, gold; amber was healing.

If I ran the brush through my hair, my amber eyes could now spot the individual strands of brown, instead of how it always fell into place, always uniform. I couldn’t allow myself to fall into place any longer. Now was my chance.

The longer I stared at the mirror, though, the more the truth fought to bubble to the surface. I saw that ghost of a person I had been the last couple of years reappear. The mirror reminded me of the 3D pictures I’d loved as a kid. Tilt them one way to see an image, but tilt them another way, and there was something completely different. Someone different.

My stomach clenched with unease, and I bit my lip to prevent it from trembling. I couldn’t—wouldn’t—allow myself to do this. Why was it, whenever I tried to give myself an inch, I could feel him pulling me back?

“You look beautiful, princess.” I looked up past my reflection and at him sitting on the window seat in my room. He seemed out of place in his blue jeans, cowboy boots, and cowboy hat as he sat among my stuffies I’d had since I was a child. He shook his head, his dark eyes leaving me, disappointment coloring his face.

I closed my eyes, willing him to disappear, telling myself he wasn’t real. When I opened them again, he was gone.

It was the first day of the last year of high school, and I was determined to end it the way I wish I had started it. No more baggy clothes hiding every inch of my body. I, I was my strength. I was on my way back to who I wanted to be. No more ghost girl. No more skirting along the halls of the school, keeping to the back and excluding myself. That wasn’t who I used to be, and it wasn’t who I wanted to be. For once, he wouldn’t be around to tell me otherwise.

This year…this year was for me. If the inherited owner of my family’s farm was all I’d ever be, let me have this year . Let me have normal teenage experiences. Let me right some wrongs.

Returning my gaze to the mirror, I studied my outfit. The form-fitting black shirt was soft and comfortable, but the way it hugged my curves had my stomach flipping. The jean shorts were likely too small for his liking, but these were the clothes I’d seen in the store, the ones I’d fallen in love with and had wanted so desperately to try on. The ones my mother had encouraged me to buy. They were simple, but they made me happy.

The makeup I applied was nothing risky, nothing bold or daring. Just simple. That's all I’d ever wanted over the years, to simply be me. This was it. This was the year. Ed was gone— “because of you.” I shook my head to get rid of his voice. No, not gone. Ed wasn’t gone. He…he’d given me permission.

A scoff sounded behind me, and I spun around, my eyes searching the room. The fact that it was empty did nothing to ease my pounding heart.

I grabbed my old ball cap, a horned bull skull adorning the front. It was black but had turned almost grey with how often I’d worn it years ago. I was surprised by how perfectly it still fit. This would be my lifeline today. As exposed as I felt, at least I could use it to cover up.

Running down the stairs and into the kitchen, I smiled at my mom. “Hey, Mom.”

I was the spitting image of my mother. My dad told me that every day, and it always made me smile. I didn’t think I was as beautiful as her, but if I could have half the beauty and grace she did, I would be set. We both shared the same long hair and amber eyes, though hers seemed greener at times, perhaps hazel.

“Breakfast is on the table.” Spinning around, she perused me slowly, and the smile I received was something I hadn’t seen in a while. “Bailey, you look…good.”

I grinned at her and sat down, sliding a few pancakes onto my plate and pouring on the maple syrup. “Thanks, I feel… I don’t know, almost like my old self.”

It had been hard not telling my mother the truth—why I hadn’t been hanging out with the same people I used to, and why there was a change in what I liked. I knew she thought I was depressed, since I had caught her and Dad talking about it on more than one occasion. I wasn’t, but it did end up creating a disconnect between us. How could I tell her what I was really feeling?

Mom sat down with me while I ate, sipping on her coffee. I knew she and Dad had already eaten. “I had fun shopping. Maybe we should go again. What do you think about getting your hair cut?'' she asked.

I drank my orange juice, pushing the food down. I tried not to think of Ed telling me women should have long hair. All morning, I’d tried to make choices for myself, but I answered my mother with the same programmed response that had been drilled into me over the years. “I like my long hair.” I took a deep breath and added, “But I’ll think about it. Is Dad in the barn?” My stomach flipped, and I could feel my hands shake. Out of habit, I tried to shove them into my hoodie pocket, but I wasn’t wearing one today. So much . There was so much I wanted to tell her, but I wasn’t sure how.

Mom nodded. Of course, Dad was in the barn. As if there was anywhere else he would be. I finished off my pancakes and grabbed my bag. Before I could run out the door, Mom grabbed my hand and pulled me back. She kissed my cheek and smiled up at me. “You have a good day, Boo.”

I smiled back at her. “You too.”

Slipping into the mudroom, I put on my runners and walked out onto the porch. McCormick Farm had been handed down from my great grandfather to my grandfather to my father, and my father already talked about handing it down to me one day. I wasn't an angsty teen, forced into taking the family business; on the contrary, it was something I looked forward to, eventually. This farm meant everything to my father, and therefore, it meant everything to me.

I walked off the porch, the very spot where I took my first steps as a baby, and to my truck. I threw my backpack into the passenger side before turning down the lane and walking to the barn. Dad was right where I expected him to be—in the corral with Raven, a beautiful black Arabian horse. There were two farmhands, Hank and Tommy, on horses with him, and I knew they were likely going to ride out to check the cattle in the far pastures.

Tommy pointed at me, and Dad turned Raven around. It wasn’t long before he was trotting up. I pulled myself on the fence of the corral, so I could be at Dad’s height.

“Coming for a ride?” he asked me.

Years ago, I would have said my dad was my best friend. We used to do everything together. His love for the farm became my love for the farm. He didn’t care that I wasn't a son, treating me the same. Teaching me how to run the equipment to harvest the crops and how to care for the animals. As I grew older, though, we’d drifted apart, much like me and Mom. At times, I felt guilty about it. I knew it was my fault, but I wasn’t sure how to fix it.

“I have to get to school,” I told him. “I just wanted to let you know I finished the chores this morning.”

He nodded, though I could see the disappointment in his eyes. Guilt crept in. He would let me skip school, if it meant I went out riding with him. I was good at that, disappointing people. Maybe it was something I could work on.

“You guys checking on the cows?” I asked, trying to give him a few minutes of my attention.

“Yeah, several are due to give birth any day now. Going to rotate a couple herds.” He stopped and his eyes met mine. “You look good today, Bailey.”

“Thanks, Dad.” I smiled at him. “When I get home, I’ll clean out the stalls and feed everyone. Is that Titan I see Tommy on?” I asked, looking out to the red gelding.

“Yes. Someone has to ride him. Can’t have him going rusty on us.” It had been two years since I’d ridden, but I couldn’t find the passion in me anymore. Titan had been my horse, a working barrel-racing horse.

I nodded. “All right. I better go. Love you, Dad.”

He smiled and nodded. “Love you too, sweetheart.”

I enjoyed driving to school. My parents had splurged and gotten me a used Dodge Ram 1500. The truck was needed for hauling trailers and getting orders from the feed store but also made it so I could finish morning chores, instead of rushing out to catch the school bus. Dad had talked about how I could fit all my friends in it because of the extended cab. The moment he’d said that, my grin and excitement from getting the truck had faded.

My small town didn’t have a high school, so all the small-town kids were bused into the city forty minutes away. There were a handful of us who had transferred together, some of whom I used to call friends. I’d seen them every day for years, and yet, not once had we uttered a word to one another. One of the wrongs I hoped to make right this year.

I turned the music down low as I drove, needing to think. This semester was going to be easy. I was most excited for gym class. I had always been athletic and competitive, but I had never actually chosen gym. I had put off selecting my electives for so long, though, that gym and art were my only options. At least I’d lucked out by getting one thing I enjoyed. I thought it would be fun. A bit of a break from the books. Art, on the other hand…well, I hoped the teacher didn’t mind stick figures.

I had stepped out of my comfort zone with the classes, or rather, I stepped beyond the line that was drawn for me. I smiled, congratulating myself. See, I could totally do this. Maybe, this year, I would even sit in the cafeteria, instead of my usual spot at the top of the stairs in the far wing of the school; it was always quiet there. And maybe…maybe I would make friends, some girlfriends. My phone had a total of five contacts. My parents, two farmhands, and our neighbor. All emergency contacts. Maybe this would be the year I’d add more…fill it up. Stay up all night, texting friends and going to parties.

My smile turned to a grin. Yes, yes, and yes. I wanted to do it all. I didn’t want to feel dead inside all the time. Maybe feeling dead inside was the wrong way to put it. I was quiet inside. No excitement, no ambition, just empty and lost. I didn’t want to feel lost. It wasn’t who I was; it was who I’d become. Ed had been right—it was my choice, and I’d turned into that all on my own. But now it was up to me to turn back. It was up to me to take the step forward. After all, he’d let me go so I could move on, right?

“Stop lying to yourself.”

I shook my head in an attempt to get rid of his voice, but then he appeared, sitting next to me. I kept my eyes on the road. Maybe if I ignored him…

“ I gave you excitement, remember, princess?” I could feel his eyes boring into me, demanding I look at him, but I kept my eyes focused forward. “As long as I was around, you weren’t lost. Kids your age, they just don’t get you like I did.”

“Kids…” I whispered. I didn’t feel like a child. I could hardly remember the last time I’d felt like a child. With that thought, his voice and body vanished from the truck.

The parking lot was almost full when I got to school. I was sure everyone in my small town could fit into the gymnasium alone, but despite its size, overcrowding was still an issue. Buses were lined up, letting kids off, and the school mascot, a black panther, was out jumping around and hyping kids up for the first day. It was the same greeting we got every year.

Parking at the back of the lot, I allowed myself a few moments to breathe. I could do this. I would do this. I am Bailey. I used to be adventurous, carefree, and an extreme extrovert. I can totally do this again.

Getting out of the truck, I pulled on my backpack, pressing the lock button twice before making my way to the school. There was nothing in there to steal, but it gave me something to fiddle with, expelling some of my nerves. Kids met in groups and screamed one another’s names, as if they hadn’t seen each other in years. They ran, hugging or just jumping together. The vibes added fuel to my flame, the courage within me growing. I can do this.

Then…I saw Chase. Chase was one of the town guys who’d transferred to the city school with us. Only, his family didn’t own a farm; they owned an estate. They were wealthy. I knew this because there was a time, which felt like so long ago, when Chase had been a friend. A best friend. However, we went from summer campouts and schoolyard games to near complete silence.

He had changed so much over the years that I wasn’t sure how to even talk to him. His small arms and narrow chest had grown to thick coils of muscle and broad-set shoulders. He, along with the rest of our used-to-be friend group, was on the football team. When we were younger, I remembered being able to see over his head and my dad reassuring him that his growth spurt would come in time. Well, it had definitely hit. Chase had nearly a foot and a half on me now, and I wasn’t a small girl.

He stood next to his red sports car, Hadley, his girlfriend of two years, tucked under his arm. I held my head high and reminded myself that this year would be the year for change. Never mind what Ed had said. I could do this without him.

So, when those stormy grey eyes of his glanced my way, capturing my attention, I refused to look away this time. I refused to be timid and shy away. Instead, I gave him a smile, praying it didn’t come across as creepy and unnatural. Shit…maybe I should have practiced this.

“Hey, Chase.” I slowed my walking to a stop in front of them. Time froze. Chase froze. His lips parted ever so slightly, and his eyes widened briefly. “How was your summer?” I asked, trying to break the awkward staring moment, even as Hadley gave me a death glare.

All too quickly, he snapped his mouth shut and narrowed his eyes at me. “Who the fuck are you again?” He turned his head away dismissively and continued talking to the crowd in front of him.

Hadley laughed. Not a full laugh. It was like a mocking, short laugh that had my heart sinking. Others in the group glanced at me briefly before effectively ignoring me, and my shoulders deflated. I tucked tail and walked to the school, trying hard not to run and give away my embarrassment. Trying hard not to allow the tears that burned my eyes to fall.

There was no way he had forgotten me. We’d spent every day together since kindergarten. Did three years really make someone forget another person entirely? Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe.

I could feel eyes on my back as I walked away, but I didn’t dare look. I wasn’t sure I could handle seeing that indifferent dismissal from Chase again. Of all the things I’d worried about today, rejection from old friends wasn’t one of them. I hadn’t been expecting animosity between us. It wasn’t that we had left on good or bad terms; we’d left on no terms. We’d just stopped. Stopped being there, stopped talking to one another, stopped everything. Was this how it would go with the others? Part of me didn’t want to find out. Could I even handle it?

I rushed into the closest bathroom and locked myself in a stall, hoping no one was in there. Panic rose in my chest and curled around my heart, and in that moment, I realized why I wore baggy clothes so often. It felt good to have something surround you, to hold you and weigh you down while you felt as though you were floating away.

“They don’t really care about you.” Ed’s voice echoed in the bathroom. I peeked between the gap in the stall door. He stared back at me as he leaned against the sink. I wiped the tears away, afraid to let him see. “They use you, Bailey.” He shook his head. “I’ve told you this time and time again—if you have nothing for them, they want nothing to do with you. Why do you think I took care of you all those years?”

I closed my eyes. “No,” I whispered. “It’s not real, you’re not here. It’s not real, you’re not here.” I tried to think of something else, anything else, to get rid of the apparition before me, but all I could see was the hatred behind Chase’s eyes, and it felt so wrong. Never in my life had he looked at me that way. I’d kept my distance these last few years, but whenever I’d seen him in the halls and in class, he’d never looked at me with such animosity.

I squeezed my eyelids as tightly as possible, forgetting everything else around me, and I tried to remember the last time we had been together.

“Twenty-four hours.” Those grey eyes looked at me with laughter in them.

I rolled my eyes. “Fine. Eat every flavor of ice cream in an ice cream shop,” I answered. “What would you do…if you had twenty-four hours before the world ended?”

“Dude, the only obvious thing. I would bunk up at the nearest warehouse. Cement walls. And I would have everything. Food, ammo, guns, all of it,” Chase said with a boyish grin.

I thought about it. “Meh, I still want ice cream.”

“Fine, I’ll get some ice cream for you too. The warehouse would be big enough for freezers."

“If the world was ending, there would be no power for the freezers, and the ice cream would melt,” I pointed out.

“We could have solar panels. Plus, the ice cream would melt in the ice cream shop, anyway.”

“Exactly.” I grinned. “That’s why we have to eat as much as we can as fast as we can.”

Chase laughed, then released a heavy sigh, as if it was such a burden to put up with my antics.

“Every time we play this game, I’m running around skydiving and white-water rafting, and you’re just running around, trying to lock us up,” I pointed out.

“You have no sense of self-preservation. Go ahead and jump in the river, Bails. I’m just going to drag you, Lach, and Eth back and save you from the impending zombie apocalypse.”

“Who says the world is going to end in a zombie apocalypse?”

“It’s always a zombie apocalypse…or aliens.”

Things had been so much simpler when we were thirteen. My muscles slowly relaxed, and I found myself opening my eyes. Life had been simpler when we were thirteen. I couldn’t hold it against Chase for not waiting.

I took a deep, steadying breath before gathering the courage to keep going. When I walked out of the stall, there was no sign of Ed.