Chapter 44
CHAPTER 44
ATOM
I t’s been two days since I issued Clara an ultimatum. I haven’t slept. I’m off my food and antsy as hell. The other angels have kept away as much as possible because when I’m in this mood, it only ends badly for everyone around me.
I asked her to marry me and then told her it was her ticket out of here. I meant it. I can’t operate knowing she is under my roof. Sleeping in the same building. Showering. Laughing. Existing.
I’ve tried to fuck the willing women who line up at the bar every night.
I don’t want them.
There is only one woman who had power over me and it appears that knowing she is in the same building has castrated my libido.
Nobody compares to her. They never have.
The trouble is, I haven’t got a fucking clue where we go from here.
Lust turned to betrayal in the blink of an eye. Love turned to hate followed by indifference. Now all three are coating the blade on my knife along with the blood from my heart as I struggle knowing that when Clara chose Michael over me, he saw it as a written invitation to abuse her.
I am struggling with that. Images of her frightened face cowering under his boot keep me up at night. The gym’s punching bag has taken a beating from my fists, leaving my knuckles cracked as I pictured him.
His smug face stares back at me from the bottom of the beer bottle that ends up being smashed on the floor, joining the broken shards of my soul.
Knowledge is a powerful weapon and also the deadliest. It would have been better not to know the hell Clara has been living in for ten fucking long years.
I am damaged beyond repair, like the broken edges of the bottles I’ve smashed, and like them, it’s doubtful I will ever be whole again.
“Atom.” A soft whisper reaches me as I glare into the glass of whiskey that promises a harder kind of numbing.
My skin prickles as the familiar tones wash like a balm across my patchy soul.
“Um, well, do you have a minute?”
My breathing is ragged as I spin and stare at the woman who has sought me out at my worst.
The bar emptied hours ago. It’s three am, and this barstool has replaced my bed for a few nights now.
Clara is nervous. Just one look into her pale face and pain-filled eyes tells me that. She is wearing an oversized sweatshirt and track bottoms and her feet are hidden inside fur-lined boots. Her dark curly hair frames her gorgeous face and those soft brown eyes are liquid pools of velvet.
She is the original dark angel and always will be and from somewhere deep inside me a spark attempts to scratch against the rusty touch paper that is almost spent.
“You told me to find you when I made my decision.”
I say nothing because even staring into her eyes resembles a knife driving deep into what’s left of my heart.
She wraps her arms around her body in a defensive move and I wonder if that’s a sign her answer won’t be to my satisfaction.
“I, um, came to tell you–” Her voice shakes and she shivers slightly and it strikes me how fucking cold it is in here right now.
Call me a fool, but I shrug out of my jacket and wrap it around her shivering shoulders, my fingers brushing against the bare skin on her neck, an action that may as well have electrified her skin.
Her eyes brighten and a grateful smile lights her lips and she whispers, “You always were the gentleman, despite everything.”
I can’t argue with that because where it concerns her, I have always played the gentleman. She brings out the side of me nobody else sees, and it’s one of the things I hate most about my reaction to her. I am not myself when she’s around and I curse Jet for putting me in this situation in the first place.
“I will.”
Her words hover against the icy air, and I raise my eyes. “Will what, darlin’.’’
My speech is slurred, courtesy of the bottle of bourbon set by my side, and she looks down.
“I’m sorry, this isn’t the right time. It’s just, well, I couldn’t sleep and thought it was safe to venture down here and get something to, well, help me.”
I hand her the glass I’ve been drinking from for hours. “Is this what you came here for?”
She hesitates before her fingers brush against mine as she accepts the glass with a shy smile.
“It is.”
I watch like a lovesick kid as she wraps those tantalizing lips around the glass and as she takes a swig, her eyes roll back in her head and she coughs. “Fuck, Atom. Is this gasoline?”
“Not fancy enough for you?”
I grasp the bottle and chuck some of the contents down my throat.
“Perhaps coffee would work better.”
She moves behind the bar and flicks on the coffee machine.
I watch her with a keen interest because seeing Clara in my jacket, the insignia emblazoned across her back, causes a lump to form in my throat.
She is exactly where I pictured her, even before she knew I had started the painting.
It was always her. The image of perfection in my mind and I drag a ragged breath as years of longing reach boiling point.
She turns and her sweet smile falters when she registers the storm in my eyes. Her mouth drops slightly, and she bites her lower lip as she whispers, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come.”
As I ease off the stool, she visibly gasps and I round the bar and back her against the counter, imprisoning her against my chest, my arms caging her in as she stares at me with a deep longing in her eyes.
I reach out and stroke her beautiful face as if she’s a ghost. Not really here, just a beautiful apparition of when I had her heart.
She says nothing and, if anything, leans a little closer, her soft breath dusting my rough jawline.
It’s as if perfection is one short breath away and then she whispers, “I’m sorry.”
I say nothing and she whispers, “I should have trusted you to keep me safe the first time.”
“Then why didn’t you?”
Our gazes collide and her lip trembles against her confession.
“They told me he would ruin you.”
“They?” I want her to tell me. Say the words that caused the ultimate betrayal.
“My parents. Michael and his father had something on my father that would ruin him and unless I agreed to marry Michael, he would use it to bring my family down.”
I say nothing, her words feeding the constant storm that rages in my soul.
“Then there was you.”
She draws in a deep breath. “Michael was the one who bought your home. If I didn’t agree, he would also buy The Darkside from under you with an offer the previous owner wouldn’t be able to refuse. Then he would murder Tanya and when he had taken everything you loved, he would kill you.”
Tears trickle from her eyes that I brush gently away as the truth bleeds a river from its cage.
“I had no choice, Atom. I would always save you, put you first and I will not apologize for that. You told me that in saving me, I would lose you. Well, that’s old news because I did it first and let me tell you, I would do it again rather than lose you forever.”
My heart pounds as a wistful expression passes across her pale face. “I watched you. Every chance I got. I hoped you were happy. That my sacrifice was worth the pain I have lived with every day since that fateful one. I dreamed big against my reality, needing them to pull me through the darkest time in my life. Then the girls came into my life and gave me something to live for. They were the reason fate delivered me into his path. Two beautiful angels who are my world. They saved me. Finally, I was loved unconditionally, and it’s a power I never realized existed. They are my main focus and my reward for saving you, and if I walk out of that door, it’s in the knowledge my past has been set free.”
She reaches up and this time strokes my face and says softly, “I came to tell you that I will marry you, Atom, but not because I want saving. I will marry you because I always wanted to. It was only ever you and despite what you believe, that was the choice I made ten years ago. To love you and only you.”