Chapter 5
CHAPTER 5
DALLAS
When I opened my door, to say I was surprised to see Austin standing there was an understatement. I had a feeling I’d run into him again, but only in passing and nothing more. He had to come to me before I could pursue him further. It had to be on his terms.
My stomach tingled in a good way, and my heart rate kicked up to a thousand notches, seeing him standing there, looking a little sweaty and a lot nervous.
I had no idea what had happened to him, but the same pain I’d seen in those soft brown eyes the last time was still there, lingering like a dark cloud that refused to move on. That he was here now was the most important. He came to me instead of running again. We were connected somehow, and I had every intention of proving that to him.
Once I’d poured us some wine, I sat down next to him on the sofa, my leg curled underneath me. Leaning my side into the back cushions, I watched him take a sip, facing the windows, refusing to look at me. His cheeks were flushed with a cute, rosy color.
He looked beautiful, even in his nervousness. He wore a thick, cable-knit navy blue sweater, and his jeans had strategic holes in them that looked expensive. His brown hair was lighter and straighter than mine. It was long in the front, but instead of swooping it back as most men did, he let it fall naturally. I itched to pluck the strands away to see his face better.
“I’m glad you’re here.”
He nodded and took another small sip of his wine.
“I’m… scared,” he finally said.
My brows rose to my hairline, not expecting him to be so forthcoming. But he needed my patience, and he clearly needed an ear. There was baggage there, and the only reason I was willing to take it on was because I genuinely felt an important connection between us despite being two passing ships in the night.
“What are you afraid of?”
“You… me… everything.”
“Can you elaborate more?”
He set his wine glass down on the coffee table and wiped his hands on his jeans.
“I haven’t had a kiss or a date or a relationship since that night. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”
My breath caught, but I tried not to show my surprise. Everything hinged on my reaction to him. Austin was a damn flight risk, and I didn’t want him going anywhere. Not only did I want to get to know him more, but I was damn curious about his story.
He looked at me with such pleading eyes that I reached out and placed my hand on his shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. “It’s okay,” I said.
He nodded. “So, I feel something there… with you. It’s the only reason I’m here right now, and to finally move forward with my life.”
“I’m so glad you did, Austin.”
“We’ll see. Look, I’m just going to come out with it because I don’t want to waste your time or mine if you don’t want to pursue this.”
“But I want to.”
“Just… Please let me finish.”
“Okay.”
“I have HIV.”
Well, that explained his resistance to dating. It was definitely a difficult subject to talk about with someone you hardly knew, so I understood his reaction and fears. It was also the best time to bring it up before things got too deep.
“I’m so sorry to hear that. How do you feel?”
His eyes went wide, and his mouth opened and closed, trying to find words. “Why do you act like I’m talking about the weather? You’re not freaking out?”
“I hurt for you, Austin. I know that this is a life-long illness, and you have to receive treatment for the rest of your life. You are receiving treatment, right?”
“Definitely. I’ve, ah, had a negative viral load for a while now.”
“That’s great news. Congratulations.”
“But…”
I raised a hand to stop him so he’d understand why this didn’t sway my interest in him. “My cousin has it. He was… careless in his youth. But he’s been under treatment for years, and he’s doing really well. I know a lot about HIV from him.”
I took a bold step and leaned forward, pressing my nose close to his neck, and took a deep breath. He smelled like the forest, so clean and fresh. “Did you think I’d run for the hills?”
His body shuddered, and he quickly nodded. “Yeah.”
“Look at me, Austin.”
When he did, his pale brown eyes shimmered with wetness. There was still fear in them but also some relief. “I’m interested in you. Now, I understand your fear and resistance to dating. God, my cousin struggled for a long time, too. He hid from family and friends as he came to grips with his life that had completely changed. Now, he has a partner that he’s lived with for the past six years. They’re doing great, and he’s very happy.”
Austin squirmed in his seat and coughed. “Good. I’m… glad for them.”
“So you see, there’s no need to be afraid around me.”
“Dallas?”
“Mhm?” My fingers traveled along his neck, brushing the surprisingly soft hair there. I couldn’t control myself. I wasn’t afraid to date him. While I hadn’t had sex in a while, I still needed to get tested and put myself on PrEP. It was no hardship and all in the name of living long lives.
“It’s… more than that.”
The air grew heavy again as he was about to unleash something else, something I hoped also to get past.
“First, thank you for not judging. I may not be showing it, but it means everything. That was my biggest fear and biggest hurdle, but I’ve got baggage. You don’t want all my baggage.”
“We all have baggage. Why don’t you let me judge that? But also, I’m a pretty good listener,” I chuckled. “Or so Ally says, but she could be biased.”
Austin gave me a brief smile, which lit up his face like fucking fireworks. I needed more of that. So did he.
He sighed and rubbed his hands on his thighs again. “I got HIV from my ex. We were together for five years, and he was the love of my life, or so I thought. He came home one day and told me he was leaving me for someone else. He… cheated.”
“Jesus. He not only left you and cheated on you, but he couldn’t be respectful enough to wrap it up?”
“No. The betrayal and anger I felt… Fuck. It’s still holding on to me so tightly, but I am getting professional help. Honestly, that’s pretty much the only reason I’m here. I don’t think I would’ve knocked on your door had I not been seeing a therapist.”
“I’m glad you’re getting help. It’s so important.”
Austin abruptly stood and tossed his hands in the air, a crackle of anger sizzling. “Don’t you get it? I’m a fucking mental wreck! You don’t want this. There are so many better men out there. Why are you so… understanding!”
“Should I not be?”
“I…”
“Look at us. We barely know each other, and we’re already being honest and open. That’s mostly you. But I’ve also been cheated on. I know what it’s like and how it makes you feel like a failure sometimes. But that was a long time ago.”
His eyes took on that pleading look again, maybe filled with a bit of hope. I stood and grasped his face. It was bold, but I didn’t give a shit. Everything was on the line, and I wanted another taste of him, dammit. I wasn’t going to back away from this, not when he serendipitously stumbled back into my world. Austin was on the right track, but he didn’t need to be alone anymore.
“You’re so damn brave. Before, I was attracted to you. I felt connected through that insane and much-to-short kiss. But now? I’m in awe of how you’ve breached your fears and come face-to-face with them with someone you hardly know. I’m honored to be that person.”
His hands rested on my wrists, but he didn’t pull my hands off, looking at me with red-rimmed eyes. “I’ve been so lonely.”
I inched my face closer to him, almost ghosting his lips. “That ends now.”