19. Samantha
19
SAMANTHA
Birds are chirping outside my window as I slide my hand over the sheets and when they fail to connect with Jake, I know I messed up. All I feel is cool fabric when I want to be running my hand over his six-pack abs.
I’m miffed. I have no one to be angry with but myself.
Last night was intense. I know I’ve damaged us. Why didn’t I stop myself before I hurt his feelings?
Jake has proven he’s not impervious to vulnerability and he mentioned he’d sleep in his room at the inn and I had to give him his space.
The irony is that he’s all too quick at retreating when he’s not happy with me. And I suppose he’s right that I’ve done this before. Did Rob leave me because I never let him partake in Ellie’s life? Did I micromanage him away too? I think back to my time with him and Jake may have a point. Maybe Rob wasn’t opposed to becoming a dad, he was just insulted because I excluded him.
I thought it was a male thing— ducking out. But now I find I might be guilty of doing the same thing. I’ll admit deflecting and blaming is often easier than admitting I’m wrong .
I wonder if Jake has plans this morning. More importantly, I’m wondering where we stand. Then I’m in a tizzy wondering if I drove him away.
Did we break up last night?
Dreadful feelings wash over me as I stare at his empty pillow.
Jake should be here. It was an argument, not the end of the world for Pete’s sake. I miss his warm body next to mine. I miss his snuggles and the way he nuzzles my neck.
My stomach twists.
Last night’s argument replays in my head, every heated word echoing back at me like a cruel reminder of us at odds. “You’re always going to find fault with anyone in Ellie’s life.” Or, “You’re going to kill all the joy in that little girl if you don’t loosen up.”
I squeeze my eyes shut against the memory, but it’s no use. It’s still there, burning. Doesn’t he understand that I have to be an adult? I have to make the tough decisions because I’m raising Ellie. Her happiness and safety fall on my shoulders. My dad travels, and my mother is getting older. I’m younger and this is the perfect location to give her a wholesome life with extended family due to our tight-knit community and our friends.
But how many friends do I have? Jake made a point about me finding fault with others. I wouldn’t say it’s others' faults that make me shy away from letting others in— as much as it is the fact that I choose to not let people in. Maggie is my trusted bestie, and aside from a handful of employees, I don’t allow many into our inner circle. I take it upon myself to do everything that needs to be done.
Isn’t that what good Moms do?
We make sacrifices and we criticize our shortcomings so we can raise a well-balanced child who will eventually be self-sufficient.
But the look in Jake’s eyes, well, he was furious. I was, too. But it wasn’t just anger in his voice last night—it was the frustration that was etched in his face that alarmed me. Rob might have had the same look when we argued for weeks before he left.
I must have been out of line for Jake to look so, well—hurt.
I made a mountain out of a molehill last night. I overreacted. I could have handled last night better. I should have slept on it.
Jake’s a go-with-the-flow type of man and I love that about him. Love. Yes, I’m in love with him. I love his smell, his smirk, and the way he teases me and makes me giggle. He makes me see things in a new light. The fact is, Jake makes me a better person.
And now he’s gone.
I rub my hands over my face, trying to push away the sick feeling creeping through me. He wouldn’t just leave, right? Would he leave us over one confrontation?
But isn’t that what people do when they get tired of repeating themselves?
I swallow hard, as I climb out of bed. The house is eerily quiet, the only sound is the faint hum of the fridge as I make my way to the kitchen. No Jake. I half hoped Jake got up before me and that I’d find him in the kitchen flipping pancakes. But no, the kitchen is lacking humans. There’s no warm coffee in the pot either. This isn’t good. We love our caffeinated mornings.
I’m greeted with … silence.
And I don’t like it. In fact, I hate it, especially today when I don’t know where Jake and I stand.
I don’t like the way my chest feels tight or the way I’m already missing him wondering if I blew this .
Why do I have to speak my mind? Why do I overreact? I’m sure it’s linked to the trauma of my sister’s accident. But that was two years ago and I have to let Jake be a part of Ellie’s life and make decisions for her if we’re to work. I get that—now.
Because he is right.
Not about everything. Not about me “killing the joy” in Ellie’s life, but about the way I guard her so fiercely, and how I scrutinize everyone who gets close. I’m fearful others won’t be good enough for her and with her. But I realize that we’re all different and Jake’s approach might be different than mine but it doesn’t make it wrong.
It’s not that I think no one’s good enough. It’s that I can’t trust others with someone so precious to me.
And the fact that I know how fast life can spin out of control. I know what devastation looks like and I never want Ellie to go through that again.
Jake is not the wrong person. I want him, I want us. I just don’t know if I can leap into the sunset with him.
But I’m smart enough to know that if I don’t find a way to meet him halfway, I could lose him. Not just him—but what we could have.
And that’s the scariest thought of all.
I hear Ellie’s footsteps behind me. They’re—light, and hesitant, It’s like she’s walking on eggshells. Her shoulders are slumped like she’s unsure of what she’ll encounter. No man has ever been here like Jake. And she’s invested in him. Last night was like watching her parents fight even if she didn’t hear us, she could feel the tension between us. And she knows I was upset.
When she rounds the corner and strolls into the kitchen, she’s still in her pajamas, her hair is messy from sleep, and her stuffed lion Jake won for her is tucked under her arm.
She only cuddles her stuffed animals if she’s feeling insecure.
“Hey, sweetie,” I say softly, kneeling to her level. “How are you?”
“Fine.”
I pour myself coffee. “What do you want for breakfast?”
“I don’t care,” she sulks. “Where’s Jake?”
Good question. Where is he indeed?
“He had plans this morning.” I lie, hoping he didn’t leave forever.
She gives me a side-eye and I realize she probably doesn’t believe me.
Hell. Do I even believe it myself? No.
“I’ll make waffles and bacon.”
Ellie sits at the counter and lays her head on it.
“You were up late last night,” I begin, alluding to the fact she skipped her normal bedtime.
“Yeah,” she mumbles, staring at the door, and then they fall to her hands.
I busy myself pulling together breakfast. The bacon is in the frying pan but I’m just going through the motions.
“When will Jake be home?” She lifts her head to peer at me.
“I’m not sure.”
I put waffles in the toaster and return to the bacon. The grease pops and splashes.
“Damn it.” I lick the hot spot on my hand that got burned. Dammit. Is the entire day going to be like this?
This is beginning to look like a Manic Monday and now I know exactly how Cindi Lauper felt when she wrote it. I feel like I’ve let Ellie down. I contemplate going back to bed to erase this terrible morning and tempt fate with a do-over.
I drop waffles on her plate, butter them, and drizzle syrup on top. I add a slice of reheated bacon and slide the plate to her .
She lacks her normal enthusiasm.
“Let me see your finger.”
She holds out her hand, and I carefully unwrap the Band-Aid from last night. The cut is small, but it’s still there—a tiny wound, just enough to make me ache with guilt.
Jake said it wasn’t a big deal. He handled it. And looking at it now, I know he was right. But all I can think about is how scared I was when I saw the first-aid kit on the table. I realize I snapped at him without stopping to breathe, or to give him a chance to explain before I went ballistic.
Ellie watches me with quiet eyes as I gently clean the cut and rebandage it. “Does it hurt?”
She shakes her head. “Not really.”
I force a smile. “Good. You need to eat before I take you to school.”
“I’m not hungry.” And as I observe her face, I see the same unease I feel in my gut.
I grab a cold waffle and nibble at it. I can’t blame Ellie for not eating. The waffle has the texture and taste of cardboard today. Or does it taste like shit because the man I want to be eating it with isn’t here?
Ellie manages to eat a few bites of food and eats her slice of bacon. I suppose it will do. We retreat to our rooms to dress for the day and meet in the foyer like normal but she’s not her talkative self.
The drive to school is quiet. Too quiet.
Usually, Ellie chatters the whole way—about what she’s going to do in art class, or what her friend Mia brought for lunch yesterday. But today?
Crickets.
She stares out the window, her little hands folded in her lap, her stuffed lion sitting in the seat beside her.
And suddenly, I hate feeling the way I do. I hate the tension. I hate the unknown. I hate being out of control but Jake isn’t a man to be controlled. He’s strong and opinionated. He’s smart and loyal. And he really likes us. Perhaps he loves us. And he has all the qualities that make him an incredible catch and a fantastic dad. He’s the whole package.
So it makes the weight of last night sour even more in my stomach. I feel guilty for beating him up over nothing. And by acting hastily, this has affected Ellie. I am mad that this has fallen onto her small shoulders. She shouldn’t feel like she’s in the middle.
But she shouldn’t have to wonder if Jake is coming back, either. That’s on Jake.
And for that, I’m pissed. Jake should have left a note or texted me that he’ll be back later. I grip the wheel tighter, pretending it’s his neck. How dare he act like this? How can he leave us?
“Ellie, are you okay?”
She nods, but I don’t believe her. Her finger is fine but emotionally, she’s not herself.
I want to say more—to fix it, somehow—but I can’t. I don’t know what to fix because Jake is MIA. I pull up to the school and stop in the drop-off lane.
“Have a good day,” I tell her as she unbuckles her seatbelt. “I love you.”
She hesitates for half a second and then I hear her mumble, “I love you, too.”
Then she’s gone, and I watch her disappear into the crowd.
I return home and slip into my routine, but the entire day is off.
Jake is gone.
I text him a good morning because it’s safe. But, there’s no reply.
The day drags by .
I text him again.
No response.
I drag ass at the restaurant. My heart is dragging on the tiles under my feet. It’s like I have a hangover when I didn’t drink enough to earn it. Fuck me.
Maggie gives me a look. The look that I can’t ignore. She nods to the office and I move like I’m sleepwalking. She walks behind me and closes the door discreetly.
“What the hell happened to you? We had a great time last night. What gives?” She’s got her life figured out. She’s dating a great guy and their journey has been relatively easy.
“If Jake and I have to work at our relationship does that mean we’re not right for each other?”
“Why would you say that?”
“Well, you and Matt are so—together. I don’t remember you guys having issues when you dated.”
“Well, there were probably a few small bumps, but it’s normal. You and Jake are getting to know each other. I think if you date and you don’t have any issues then you have to wonder if you’re being honest with each other. So what gives?”
“Ellie cut her finger last night. It’s nothing serious but I think I overreacted.”
Maggie chuckles. “You? Overreact? Naw.”
She’s making fun of me and I kind of deserve it but instead, I say, “It’s not funny.”
“It is. You’re a stickler for rules. You’re a perfectionist. You are serious most of the time.”
I sink into my chair, defeated. “Okay! Don’t give me so many compliments at one time my head might explode.” I take a breath. “I thought you’d be on my side!”
“I am. So how bad was it?” She leans against the wall.
“Bad.” I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them. “Like I was me, on steroids.”
“Oh boy,” she gushes. “Is Jake still breathing?”
“I hope so. I mean, I thought we were okay after the argument, but he wasn’t there this morning, and I haven’t heard from him all day. I’m worried we broke up. And Ellie knows something is going on.”
“Yeah, she’s observant. Kids are like that. They are sponges and it’s as if they absorb our moods. They’re very impressionable.”
“So, they do, so what do I do?”
“What can you do? He’s a manly man. He’s probably sorting things out and he needed space.”
I’m confused. Why do men need space? Maggie reads my mind and says, “When a man’s ego is hurt, or his heart, they tend to back off. He probably needs time to regroup. Maybe he’s contemplating the situation. I mean, he’s only been here for a few weeks. You both moved very fast. What do you think is going to happen?”
“This is more than a fling. We’ve become a family and I well, for one, I like it.”
Maggie gives me a reassuring smile. “I’m sure he’ll be back. Jake is a great guy, and he wouldn’t just leave you and Ellie without a word.”
“That’s what I thought but I don’t know. I’m a hot mess, Maggie.”
“You’re in love,” she chuckles at my expense. Yes, it’s quite the new revelation. But unlike Rob, I don’t want to lose Jake. When he left last night, it scared me.
“You’re learning to have an adult relationship while raising a kid. You’re a single mom. Millions of women have figured this out. You will too.”
“Then why do I feel like a failure?” It’s nice to know she gave me a vote of confidence to navigate the situation, I wish I felt it too .
“You expect too much out of everyone but mostly yourself. Lighten up. The way you broke those dinner plates like that, well, that was impressive. The staff was terrified and then happy. They were happy because you didn’t fly off the handle. And, truth be told, it showed them you are human. You need to stop judging yourself every minute of the day. You can be a mom and still be fun. Being human makes us stronger, not weaker.”
“I wish being fun and carefree came with training wheels.”
Maggie laughs at my oxymoron.
“I have faith you’ll figure it out. Now, can I get back to work?”
“Sure.” Her hand is on the door. “And Maggie?”
“Yes?”
“I hope you’re right.”
“Me too, Now, get off your ass, we have work to do!”
I’m in a better frame of mind hours later when I pick Ellie up at school. Her smiles always cheer me up.
“How was your day?” I try to sound chipper, glossing over the fact Jake isn’t here.
“Fine.”
We arrive home and Ellie stomps up the porch steps and goes to her room.
I enter the kitchen, and Ellie suddenly storms in behind me. Her little face is red and she’s furious.
I wait for the fireworks.
“This is your fault!” she shouts.
I freeze. “What?”
She whirls around, her hands balled into fists. “Jake’s gone! He’s not coming back, and it’s because of you!”
I feel the hit of those words like a punch to the gut. “Ellie— honey, no. That’s not?—”
“It is!” She’s crying now, hot, angry tears. “You yelled at him, and now he’s gone!”
My heart stops.
The room spins.
“Ellie…” My voice cracks, but she’s already stomping toward her bedroom.
I don’t try to stop her because I can’t move.
How is this my fault?
She’s wrong. Sure we had a heated discussion but it’s grown-up stuff. I’m sure Jake has lots of experience with dating and he’s older than me, surely he’s more experienced in relationships and it’s not like him to give up without a fight. He’s a football player. Their careers are based on adversity, playing in extreme weather, and teams that kick their ass. I’m one person. There’s no way I can derail him over one argument.
Or did I?
I don’t know where he is.
I don’t know if he’s coming back.
And suddenly, I’m terrified Ellie might be right.