24. Samantha
24
SAMANTHA
We watch Jake walk to my bedroom to collect his things, and then we watch him walk away. I’m relieved he’s spending his last night in my inn. If he drove to the airport now I don’t know what I’d do. I’m not ready for him but I’m not ready for what he wants.
Ellie is so still I’m worried. It’s as if my worst nightmare is unfolding and I can’t do anything to make her feel better.
We stumble through dinner without Jake. She’s not her talkative self and I can’t blame her. And this is why I’ve not been in a relationship with a man since I became Ellie’s guardian. There are no words to comfort her but I try.
“Jake loves you, Ellie. He wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye. I’m sure he’ll stay in touch.”
“It’s not the same.” She picks at the spaghetti noodles on her plate. She’s a maven at strewing it around her to make it look like she ate.
“Eat a few bites. We’ll watch a show before bedtime.”
She takes a few bites and leaves the table. I hope in time we can return to our life before Jake. It won’t be easy. Now, I have another reason to avoid clam bakes on the beach. Why did our time together have to be so perfect? Why did I take him to the strawberry patch? It’s as if every inch of this town is a reminder that he was here and that we had fun.
But life isn’t comprised of just fun. I have to make decisions about what’s best for Ellie and me.
After I get Ellie to sleep I turn in for the night. I watch an old movie and fall into a fitful sleep. What would be so difficult about moving to Maine? Am I making the right decision?
The morning starts with a tightness in my chest that I can’t shake.
I wake up early—before the alarm, and before the sun is fully up. I check on Ellie and she stirs in her bed.
The day has just begun and already my mind is racing. I tell myself everything will be fine. I’ll just get an early start today. I’ll keep my mind and body busy.
Because busy means I don’t have to think or feel–no problem, I can do this. I’ve survived on this methodology for years.
So why am I finding it so difficult? I can’t get Jake out of my mind.
I get Ellie up and I go through the motion of breakfast. But it’s not the same. I make pancakes as I know she expected Jake to make them today but he’s not going to be here. The pancakes are flat as my mood. Ellie’s somber face reflects her disposition.
She probably blames me—again, and perhaps she’s right.
I console myself with the fact that we’ll find our rhythm without Jake, it will just take some time to readjust. The sooner we get used to the way we were, the easier it will be.
“Will Jake be here after school?” she asks.
“I don’t know.”
Her sad eyes aren’t saying what she feels. I’m sad too.
I drop Ellie off at school and by the time I get to the restaurant, I’ve already convinced myself I can fix this .
But the moment I stepped inside the dining room, I knew someone didn’t do their job last night.
The tables aren’t wiped down properly. There’s a smudge on the glass pastry case. The restaurant is fine—anyone else would walk in and see a cozy, welcoming space—but all I see are mistakes.
I see all the things that aren’t perfect.
I pull my hair into a tight ponytail, my fingers trembling slightly.
I am in a mood when I reach the kitchen.
“Good morning to you too,” Maggie calls dryly from the espresso machine.
I ignore her and grab a rag. “Who closed last night?”
“Ryan.”
“Figures.” I exhale sharply, wiping down the counters myself, even though they don’t really need it. “He never remembers the details.”
“Neither do half the teenagers you hire.” Maggie arches a brow, handing a latte to a customer. “Cut them some slack.”
I shake my head. “If I don’t stay on top of this place, things start slipping.”
Maggie leans against the counter, watching me with narrowed eyes. “You mean you start slipping.”
I stiffen. She knows me too well. She has always had the uncanny ability to see me.
“I don’t have time for this,” I mutter, moving to the back to check inventory, even though I know the order list is already up to date.
But Maggie doesn’t let me escape.
She follows me into the backroom, arms crossed. “Okay, what’s going on? ”
“Nothing.”
“Bullshit.”
I glare at her, but she doesn’t flinch. She digs in.
Maggie has been my best friend since high school, and she’s never been afraid to call me out. It’s one of the things I love about her.
And right now, it’s one of the things I hate about her.
I sigh, rubbing my temples. “I just need to focus, okay?”
She tilts her head. “You mean you need to control everything or you’re running away. Those are your defenses.”
I swallow hard.
I hate how right she is.
“Let me guess,” she continues. “This sudden perfectionist streak has nothing to do with Jake?”
I close my eyes. “Maggie.”
She lets out a knowing hum. “So, what happened?”
I press my lips together. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Sam.”
I breathe out harshly. “He asked us to go with him.”
Maggie blinks. “Wait. To Maine?”
I nod.
“And you said no?” The credulous unbelievability that resonates in her voice should have been a tipoff to my mistake—the mistake of rejecting Jake’s offer.
“I didn’t say no,” I mutter, trying to defend myself. Technically, I didn’t say no. I’m staring at the shelves stacked with pasta and spices willing the inventory list to be wrong so I have something—anything—to fix. “I just… didn’t say yes,” I added sheepishly.
Maggie lets out a frustrated groan. “Oh my God, Sam.”
I tense at her tone. “It’s not that simple.”
“Yes, it is.”
I whirl on her. “No, it’s not!”
She blinks at me, startled by the outburst.
But now that I’ve started, I can’t stop .
“It’s not just me,” I snap. “It’s Ellie. It’s her life, her stability, her routine. I can’t just uproot her for something that might not last.”
Maggie’s gaze softens. “But you want to.”
The words feel like a gut punch.
I press my lips together, my throat tightening.
She steps closer. “Sam… you love him. He loves you. The three of you were destined to be. Why can’t you accept something good in your life?”
I exhale shakily.
“I don’t know.”
“Well, you better figure it out because men like Jake come along once in a lifetime.”
I let out a broken laugh, shaking my head. “Because what if something happens to him? What if he gets hurt again? What if he realizes that I am not perfect?” My voice wobbles. “What if I get used to having him, and then he’s gone?”
Maggie watches me for a long moment, then says, “So it’s easier to push him away first?”
I look down. She’s not wrong.
She sighs. “Sam, listen to me.” She grips my shoulders gently, forcing me to meet her eyes. “A compromise doesn’t mean you lost.”
I gulp air.
She shakes her head. “It means you’re an adult with a level head who’s willing to make sacrifices for the greater good.” She pauses. “And the greater good? That means having a future with him.”
I stare at her.
She presses on. “He’s not going to play football forever. He’s got maybe ten years left. That’s ten years to figure out the next chapter. To build something together. To add to your family.”
I blink rapidly, my chest tight.
She gives me a small, sad smile. “But if you let your fear decide for you, you’re going to lose him before you ever give yourself a chance to have him.”
Something cracks inside me. I know she’s right. I wrap my arms around myself, exhaling slowly.
Maggie leans in. “What do you want?”
I close my eyes.
I see Jake. I see Ellie laughing with him. I see us in Maine, on the porch of that ridiculous house, drinking coffee while Ellie plays in the yard. I see holidays and lazy Sundays and a life I never thought I could have.
I see love.
And for the first time in a long time, I open my eyes and I let myself in the future. It’s a world where I’m not just existing in a void but thinking about what my life could be. But it means I have to be vulnerable. And I don’t know if I’m capable of that.
By the time I get home that evening, my stomach is in knots.
Jake watched Ellie and I avoided going home until he left.
Ellie is on the couch, watching cartoons with her stuffed lion tucked under her arm. She looks up when I walk in, her little face hesitant, like she’s still unsure if everything is okay.
My heart aches.
I walk over and kneel in front of her. “Hey, Peanut.”
She blinks at me. “Hey.”
I reach out, tucking a loose curl behind her ear. “Did you have a good time with Jake?”
“Of course. He’s leaving soon. He said he’ll Facetime, and I can come to one of his games.”
She frowns.
I take a breath. “Do you think you’d like to visit Maine? ”
Her eyes widen. “I don’t know. Isn’t that where Jake lives?”
I nod. “We’ll visit one day.”
“Can we go tomorrow?”
It’s so like a child to have no concept of time.
“No. We’ll plan a visit. Maybe we can see him the next time we visit Grandma and Grandpa.”
“We don’t see them much,” she replies as she turns her focus back to the TV.