24. Now
24
NOW
Brooke’s vision filled with the slope of Jack’s cheekbones , the curve of his jaw, the soft fan of his eyelashes against his cheeks while he slept. Still tucked into her sleeping bag, warm and pressed close, she felt her heart call for him. She wanted to curl into his embrace with an intensity she tensed her muscles against. She could wake him with kisses, run her fingers through his hair, tell him everything was forgiven and forgotten, watch his eyes darken with want.
She breathed out against the yearning curled in her chest. She might be able to forgive him one day, but she didn’t know how to forget.
It was scary imagining a future with Jack now that she knew what it was like to lose him. It’d been effortless to love him openly and freely the first time—without any perspective, without knowing what heartbreak and betrayal felt like.
But now he made her feel vulnerable and unsettled. He was old and new at the same time and she couldn’t reconcile the two.
Brooke extricated herself from the sleeping bag as quietly as she could and slipped on her sandals, grabbing her pack and heading for the bathrooms. The day was dawning clear and bright like it always did after a big storm. Like the world was refreshed and had purged all the dark feelings. She wished it was that easy.
She took another shower just because she could. The campsite showers were janky, running hot and cold and hot again, but it was worth it to stall, to put some space between her and Jack just for a few more minutes.
After Brooke was dressed and brushing her wet hair, Catalina walked in. “Brooke! Hi!”
A powerful relief swept through Brooke. She hadn’t pushed Cat and Nat to hike with them since they’d had a hostel reservation in Flodigarry, but she sure as hell would today. “Hi! I wasn’t sure if we’d see you again.”
Cat wrapped her up in a hug and Brooke melted into it like she would with Chels, her feelings too close to the surface this morning, willing to take whatever comfort she could find.
“We barely made it into Portree last night. The weather was such shit.”
“Yeah, it was.” A chill ran across Brooke’s arms. “Are you heading back out today?”
“As soon as I get a shower. I let Natalia sleep.”
“Do you want to walk together when she’s up?” Brooke needed a buffer from Jack this morning while she sorted out what to do with the way he’d touched her last night, the way she’d responded, and how she could hold herself back from the incessant tug she’d always felt toward him.
“Definitely. What campsite are you in? I can meet you when I’m packed up.”
“Perfect. We’re in fourteen.”
Catalina headed for the showers and Brooke finished drying her hair as best she could with the hand dryer. She made it back to the campsite to find Jack awake and boiling water for breakfast. Brooke wasn’t quite brave enough to meet his gaze.
“I ran into Catalina and invited them to hike with us this morning.”
Jack ran his tongue over his bottom lip. “Alright,” he said, his searching gaze roaming over her features. She turned away from his scrutiny, from that flare of disappointment in his eyes at the distance she’d created. But it’d always been all or nothing with them.
She didn’t know how to be his friend.
After a quiet breakfast, they met up with Catalina and Natalia. The trail today was mostly along the paved road out of Portree. Still scenic with croft houses and tall grasses, but nothing like the views they’d grown accustomed to.
The lack of varied terrain on the paved road made it hard on joints, stepping the exact same way every time. Her knees were holding up okay but she worried about Jack. She checked his face for signs of wincing but couldn’t make out his expression behind his black sunglasses.
Cat and Nat told stories about hitchhiking the Ring Road in Iceland. Brooke envied the places they’d been, the people they’d met, the things they’d experienced. She wanted to see geysers and volcanoes and backpack through Prague. Cat and Nat linked hands, walked in lockstep, and their easiness made Brooke straight-up jealous as her gaze drifted to Jack for the thousandth time.
By the time the midday sun was glaring down, Jack’s jaw was clenched and he leaned forward onto his hiking poles more than normal. A brook trickled into a jungle of ferns along the side of the road. “Let’s see if we can refill water here,” she suggested.
“The wee burn may lead us straight to the sea.” Jack’s accent sent a tingle up her spine. She wanted to feel it against her skin.
Cat followed her into the foliage. “Oh, good thought. We almost ran out on the Quiraing and now I’m terrified.”
“We were never in any danger,” Nat said.
Brooke pushed through the thin branches until the foliage cleared and opened onto a rocky beach. The place was secluded, boulders bracketing the stream as it made its way to the ocean. The water was calm here, the bay probably shallow.
Jack dropped his pack and sank onto a neighboring boulder with a wince and a heavy sigh.
“Let’s take a break here, this is lovely,” Brooke said.
Jack glanced up, gave her a suspicious tilt of the head with a small smile playing on his lips, like he realized she might’ve suggested the diversion for him. That heartwarming grin only made her restless. She wasn’t sure she could leave the past behind. She’d been stuck there for so long.
“Lovely,” Catalina repeated, her boots already off and her feet in the shallow water meandering past.
Brooke found another rock to settle on and tipped her face up to the wispy clouds drifting lazily overhead, the sun warm against her cheeks. Hello, old friend . She should really get away from her desk more often; sunshine was good.
Jack pulled off his boots and socks and rolled up his pants before sinking his feet into the water. He took his camera out of his pack and turned it toward his face. “Hi, Auntie. We’re leaving Portree today, heading to Sligachan. The tarmac is killer on my knees.” His eyes trailed to Brooke’s, an acknowledgment, but maybe a bit of a challenge, like she couldn’t pretend she didn’t care about him when she so clearly did. “You couldn’t find any paths through here to help a nephew out?” he said with a teasing grin.
“Oh, I want to say hi, too!” Catalina called. Jack handed over the camera. “Hi, Aunt Mhairi! I’m Catalina! We’re a little off your trail here, but you’d love it. Look at this beach.” She tilted Jack’s camera to the side. “Hashtag goals, right?”
Cat and Jack told Mhairi stories as Natalia walked gingerly to Brooke, her red toenail polish bright against the gray stones. “Are you finding inspiration for your book?”
“Mhairi’s book,” Brooke said. Because it wasn’t hers, even if her name would be on the cover. “But, yes, this has been incredible to see firsthand.”
“You doing alright?”
Brooke looked up into warm brown eyes. She stretched her neck to one side and then the other. “I feel a bit lost out here.”
“Not everyone who goes into the woods finds themselves,” Nat said with a wry smile.
“False advertising.” Instead of butterflies and sunshine, there’d been bugs, blisters, and freeze-dried food. A tingle of fear curled in Brooke’s heart that there might not be any clarity at the end for her.
Natalia laughed and pulled at tall wisps of grass. “Catalina is fearless. She decided to conquer the world, so she will. I’m not like that.”
It was one thing to be fearless, but another to move forward when you weren’t. “And yet, here you are. Don’t diminish what you’ve already accomplished.”
Natalia wove the thick grass into a small circlet before her kind eyes lifted to Brooke’s. “Likewise.”
While Brooke dug out a granola bar from her pack, Natalia made her way carefully over the rocks toward Catalina, standing behind her and dropping her chin to Cat’s shoulder to fit in the frame. “Hi, Mhairi!” She waved. “We’ve been on trails all over the world and yours is our favorite. I can see why you wanted to write about it.”
Brooke smiled. Mhairi would love that.
Her words from all those years ago came back to Brooke on the breeze, her hair gently dancing against her cheek: Live a life worth writing about.
Cat and Nat were doing that, running toward adventure, but Brooke had been standing still.
Jack had moved on from the commandeered vlog to his regular camera, bare feet tenderly stepping over rocks, crouching down to snap a picture of a leaf caught in the gentle flow of the stream, bobbing to the surface and under again. Brooke wanted more of that in her life. Noticing the details. Not diminishing the little wins as foregone conclusions. Trying something new.
She was here, on the adventure of a lifetime, looking out into a sea few people visited, a sky that was always changing, and she still felt stuck. Was there a shelf life on that old dream, passing her by while she’d thrown herself into other people’s stories?
It wasn’t now or never, but if it wasn’t now, would she ever?