Chapter Three
L ia gurgles happily and reaches up to bat at her toy octopus.
Tony bought it for her when Ma took Gianna to the hospital after her water broke. He realized suddenly that though he’d taken Gianna to Planned Parenthood when she first found out she was pregnant, to doctor’s appointments all along the way, and to Lobell to figure out how she could pick up her studies again when the baby was there, he hadn’t thought about what it would be like when the baby was born.
So, Tony took a detour to the toy shop on his way to the maternity ward, where he searched painstakingly through all the stuffed animals trying to find something cute, not weirdly gendered, and without huge, hard plastic eyes.
The octopus was his best bet.
Apparently, it’s a winner because Lia loves it. Sometimes so much she cries when Gianna takes it away at bedtime. There’s something about all the arms, Tony thinks, that make it a comforting toy to hang on to. He lowers it a bit so she can reach it, and she squirms with delight as she grabs on.
Tony hasn’t been around babies much, at least not since Gianna was one. Given he was only five when she was born, his experience is limited. It’s all been a surprise—from those first weeks when Lia could see so little of the world and barely understood what was around her, through her (mercifully brief) bout of colic in the summer when she couldn’t stop crying, up to now when she wants constant interaction and reassurance but also a rigid schedule of twice-daily naps and walks.
The most shocking thing, to Tony, has been how much personality he thinks he can glimpse in Lia at only seven months. Her eyes sparkle with love when she spots Gianna, and her chubby little cheeks dimple right up. And she never makes as much of a mess with pea mash as she does with spinach. Tony knows she’ll be a laugh riot when she’s old enough to crack a joke.
With her arms full of octopus, he’s free to tickle her belly.
She shrieks with laughter.
It segues quickly into the other kind of shrieking, and he picks her up and holds her against his chest, rocking gently.
“I got you, baby girl,” Tony tells the top of her head as Lia starts to settle against him.
Tony loves being an uncle and getting these quiet moments with her. He’ll get to watch her grow up from one step removed, from the room right next door, or sometimes from across the river.
He takes a deep breath of the sweet milky scent from the top of her head Ma calls “new baby smell.” He could be in Rhinebeck. He’s there often now, it’s true, but he could be there more. He could come here for babysitting sometimes, but he could have a different key ring and maybe a better car. Then Gianna would have more space here, and Lia could have her own room when she gets older. Maybe someday, things will twist around and Gianna will cross the river to visit Tony’s kids.
The thought must make something tense up in Tony, either with fear or desire, and the baby starts to fuss again.
She’s finally quieted down properly for her nap when the key scrapes in the lock. Tony winces as he looks toward it, but it’s just Ma coming in with the groceries. She spots them instantly and tiptoes through to the kitchen. Tony follows with the baby on his left arm and helps her put away the groceries one-handed. Trying not to wake Lia, he moves so slowly his help is practically counter-productive.
“How’d you end up on babysitting duty?” Ma whispers, taking a packet of spinach off of him and putting it in the crisper. Good thing Lia’s asleep. She might bring the house down if she saw the spinach.
“I offered. It’s my half day, and Gigi could do with a few baby-free classes.”
Ma reaches up to cup his cheek. “Uncle of the year.”
They get the groceries put away between them, and by then Lia’s settled enough he can try to put her down in her crib in the living room. With the baby monitor on, they retreat to the kitchen for a cup of coffee.
“How are you doing?” Ma asks. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in weeks.”
Heat creeps up the back of Tony’s neck. “I haven’t been gone that much.” He’s not sure it’s true. He slept here last night, at least. And Tuesday last week. And the Thursday two weeks ago when Daniel had a dinner thing with the faculty council.
She shakes her head. “You’ve been so busy at the shop, it happens. I’m glad you’re making time for your niece and your sister.”
“Always. They’re my best girls.”
“I always knew I’d be replaced by the younger generation.” She sighs dramatically into her coffee cup.
“Aw, Ma.” Tony comes around the kitchen table and wraps her up in a hug from behind. “You know I love you.”
“Doesn’t hurt to hear now and again.” She pats at his arms. “I love you too, Anthony. And I know we’re all pulling together to make this work, but I miss having us together as a family sometimes, you know?”
“I know. I know.”
He thinks guiltily of his half-empty dresser upstairs. Earlier, he went looking for clean clothes after he gave Lia the bottle Gianna left in the fridge, and she spit up half of it all over him. He discovered his favorites are in Rhinebeck. Now, he’s wearing a pair of basketball shorts he hasn’t used in at least five years and a Little Shop of Horrors T-shirt, a leftover from when he halfheartedly helped out in the high school scene shop because Lisa decided to try acting, and he wanted to be supportive.
He ought to sort through his things and—
And.
“Ma… You know we probably won’t all be living here forever?”
She rolls her eyes. “Of course I know. It’s convenient now though. Until Gianna has a job that can support her and Lia, at least, she ought to stay here where there’s plenty of help.”
“Of course,” Tony agrees hurriedly.
“Anyway, I didn’t think I’d be having my grandkids living so close. Let me enjoy it.”
Tony kisses the top of her head. None of them counted on Lia, but she’s still perfect. There will be plenty of time to talk about Rhinebeck and all the T-shirts Tony left there some other time. He should probably cool it, anyway. Who knows if Daniel’s on the same page? Maybe he’s sick of Tony’s stuff ending up in his laundry.
“Do you mind if I head over to the shop for a while?” Ma asks when they’ve finished their coffees. “Kyle’s wife has a doctor’s appointment, and he wants to leave a little early.”
“Go for it. Lia and I are doing fine on our own.”
One cool thing about dating a professor is Daniel’s massive collection of books, both in his office and at home. It’s ridiculous, and if he ever wants to move house, it’ll be a pain in the neck, not to mention the one bookshelf in the living room Tony’s been eyeing for weeks, fully expecting the shelves to crack under the weight any day. Still, Tony likes to browse Daniel’s shelves and choose readings at random. He started something by Faulkner the other day, and it’s been pretty interesting so far. Tony hasn’t read many books that change who’s telling the story partway through.
He settles in to read on the comfy chair in the living room while Lia naps, but only a few minutes later, the door slams shut. His head jerks up on instinct, and the baby starts crying.
Tony curses under his breath and then curses himself for cursing in front of Lia as he goes to pick her up and shush her.
“You woke up your daughter,” he hisses to Gianna when she comes in.
“Sorry.”
“I thought your class went till four?”
“I thought so too.” Gianna frowns. She re-dyed her hair recently, and it’s completely black. In conjunction with her expression, it makes her look very bleak. “Apparently, Professor Lawrence is in the hospital.”
Tony blinks. “Wait, what?”
“Yeah. We all turned up for class at two, and no one showed up, and then Lily went to check her office and didn’t come back. Next thing I knew, the police and an ambulance pulled up outside.”
“Holy shit.”
Lia loudly protests Tony’s sudden pause in bouncing her, and he rocks her up and down again.
“Yeah.” Gianna drops her bag in the corner and holds out her arms for Lia.
Tony hands her over reluctantly, and she quiets instantly. Of course.
It drove Gianna nuts at the start how Lia was attached to her at all times and rarely calmed down for anyone else. “I thought I was getting my body back,” she complained once, six weeks in at four in the morning when nothing would soothe Lia but cuddles from mom. At the same time, Tony can tell she takes a little pride in being needed. She gets impatient when Lia starts to cry in someone else’s arms and takes over immediately. And she always smiles just a little when Lia quiets for her.
Tony stuffs his hands in his pockets. “Are you okay?”
Gianna shrugs. “I’m not the one in an ambulance.”
“I mean with…um…” He’s not entirely sure how to broach that the last time she saw the police, she was taken in for questioning about the murder of Lia’s dad.
“I’m fine. I gotta call Lily though.”
Gianna hoists Lia over her shoulder and pulls her phone out of her pocket.
As she heads for the stairs, scrolling for Lily’s number, Gianna says over her shoulder, “You can go now if you want. I got her.”
Tony blinks at her retreating back. “I live here.”
Already on the phone, she doesn’t hear him. Or doesn’t want to.
With his babysitting duties over more than an hour before he thought they would be, Tony’s free afternoon is at loose ends. He could sit in the living room and read some more, but he’s not calm enough anymore.
Instead, he does the mature thing and follows Gianna up the stairs, ignoring her previous brush-off. He wants to ask about the professor who was hurt and whether Gianna finds out anything on her phone call, whether Lily is all right. He wants to ask again whether Gianna is all right, and again and again until she tells him the truth.
Except he can hear her voice on the phone, and the cadence does not sound like she’ll keep this short.
“Are you okay?” she asks, and then says, “Mm-hm, yeah,” as Lily answers.
Tony’s uncomfortably aware he’s standing on the landing, listening in on his little sister’s phone call, but he can’t quite make himself leave. The dismissive look she gave him—as if he was waiting for her to let him leave the house when he’s the one who offered to babysit—gnaws at him.
Behind the door, he hears the telltale sound of Lia fussing.
“Hey, hang on a sec. I need to put you on speaker,” Gianna says. After a beep comes the clatter of the phone being set down, and then Lily’s tinny voice fills the air, interspersed with Lia’s cries.
“It was nuts, G. There was so much…so much blood. I don’t even…”
“Shh, baby girl, shh,” Gianna says to Lia, and then to Lily, “That sounds really scary.”
Lia cries out again, swallowing half of Lily’s answer.
“…you think she’ll be okay?”
“I don’t know. Will you?”
Lily sighs heavily, a crackle in the phone’s speaker. “Sean’s coming over. He says he can help.”
The hubris of a man in his early twenties to think his presence (or his dick) can solve this particular problem. Apparently, Gianna agrees.
“You sure that’s what you need right now?”
“Yeah.” Lily’s voice sounds more even, sure. “Yeah, it’ll get me out of my head. Are you okay?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Come on, Gianna. A professor getting attacked? It’s…”
“It’s not the same. Last year…he wasn’t on campus, and he was shot, not stabbed. It’s awful, but at least it’s nothing to do with me.”
Tony’s breath catches in his throat. He never thought about it in that way, but Gianna’s not wrong. Stacy did what she did out of some misguided desire to avenge Gianna. He never considered Gianna might feel guilty.
She shouldn’t, of course, but he can hardly break down the door and tell her so.
It’s a moment before Lily responds. “I’m having a hard time remembering it’s nothing to do with me.”
“Shit, yeah. Well, you found her. But it’s not the same. You didn’t have a relationship with her.”
“I went to her office hours.”
“But not like with…”
“No, nothing like with him.”
Gianna nears the door, and Tony freezes at the sound of her footsteps. She walks away again. She must be rocking Lia to keep her quiet. “I’m sorry this happened to you.”
“Me too. And seriously, if you need someone to talk…”
Daniel is right about Lily. She’s a sweetheart.
“You, too, okay? I know you have Sean, but he’s…”
“Yeah, he’s not much of a talker. About this stuff anyway.” Lily laughs. “But hey, you’ve got your family, too, right?”
Tony doesn’t need to break down the door to know Gianna’s rolling her eyes. “Yeah, yeah. They’re all here. They don’t get it, but they’re here.”
They don’t get it. Of course they don’t. When has Gianna ever given them the chance to? She’s said more to Lily about Mario in the last two minutes than she’s said to him all year. Tony turns and sneaks down the stairs. For a moment, he considers waiting around for her to get off the phone and then trying to talk to her again, but apparently, he doesn’t get it , so why would she? Before he knows he’s going to do it, Tony pulls on his sneakers and heads for his car.
“Guess I’m proving her right,” he mutters to himself, but it doesn’t stop him throwing the car into reverse and pulling out of the drive. He barely notices the funky moment when the wheel doesn’t turn quite right because he’s so lost in thought.
Tony pulls up at Daniel’s building in Rhinebeck before he realizes that is where he intended to head. It’s three thirty. Daniel won’t be home for at least an hour yet, and Tony didn’t tell him he was coming over. For a second, he debates shooting Daniel a text or driving over to Lobell to see how he’s doing. Maybe he can find something out, or maybe Daniel will have already talked to Lily since he’s advising her, and maybe—
Maybe Tony will be more in the way at Lobell than he was at home.
Maybe Daniel won’t want him around when he’s in the middle of work. Tony can’t help. What does he know about how to react to a violent attack on a colleague? The closest he ever got was when Mrs. Cooper’s wiener dog hid in the back seat and tried to bite Pa.
The thought of his own uselessness makes him itchy and restless, and given he’s basically dressed in workout clothes anyway, there’s only one thing to do. Tony drops his phone and wallet in the glove compartment, gets out of the car, locks up, and starts to run.
He’s gone on runs this side of the river a couple of times, so he knows the way in theory. Usually, he has his phone with him to help him navigate. Usually, he has his earphones and his well-worn running playlist.
The silence is a comfort today.
It takes a mile or so before he starts feeling guilty for leaving Gianna and Lia alone. He should have stayed and kept babysitting, even though Gigi did send him away. She could probably use the help, and she’ll need to process eventually. That’s when she’ll need him—when she’s sent him away a few times, and he hasn’t let it go.
It’s been a little more than a year since she told him about Lia.
Of course, Lia wasn’t Lia then. Lia was a collection of cells in Gianna’s uterus that she didn’t know what to do with. Tony knew something was up for a while by then, Gianna had been withdrawn and secretive for months. Then one week in mid-July, Gianna stayed in her room for days, feigning a stomach flu. By Thursday, Tony was sure something was wrong, more wrong than her frequent trips to the bathroom to throw up. Usually, when she was sick, Gianna made it everyone else’s problem and moaned loudly about her misery; usually, when she was sick, she got better in a day or two.
The night she told him, it was too hot to sleep despite the rickety AC in his room. Tony lay awake, staring at the ceiling, listening to Gianna’s footsteps pacing around on the landing and wondering if he should go out and say something when she finally knocked on his door.
It’s September now, and the taste of the air has changed. The fresh air of early summer turns musty and unbearable by fall. The heat is still cloying despite it being two months later, though, the sweat creeping down Tony’s neck and chest and slicking his hair when he runs.
Those first days and weeks, the haze of summer made it hard to think clearly and make decisions. Maybe it was because the situation was so hard, but thinking back, Tony can’t find a good reason why it took them so long to tell their parents. He should have as soon as he knew, as soon as she told him anything, but he didn’t. He waited and waited for her to tell him what she wanted, and in the end, it took until September before their parents found out.
Tony remembers sitting in the boiling-hot car outside Gianna’s doctor’s office, waiting for her to get her vitamins and an ultrasound. Before Ma and Pa knew, he was on high alert the whole time, afraid one of their friends or neighbors would see them and rat Gianna out. Hanging out in parking lots, trying not to be seen, made him feel like he was there for a drug deal instead of for support.
He remembers listening while she talked about dropping out of college, about how she couldn’t go back when he was there.
The road twists to the left, and Tony follows the forest trail off of it, welcoming the shade.
He remembers his parents’ faces when they found out. Their disappointment was the worst of it. They’ve never been the kind of parents who yell about serious things. Tony got in trouble more than once for not cleaning up his room to Ma’s standards, and she yelled then. But when it was serious—when Tony got in trouble for punching another kid in school who called Blake G something he refused to repeat to them—they were calm, grave, and sad it had come to this.
The day Gianna told them she was taking a leave of absence from college, almost exactly a year ago, was a very quiet day. Gianna cried for an hour, afterward, big wracking sobs that made her whole body shake with the effort to keep them quiet. He sat next to her on the squeaky-springed twin bed she’d slept in for fifteen years, stroking her shoulders and unable to do anything to fix this. The next morning, Gianna pretended she was fine, and he pretended with her.
Tony’s certain she’s doing the same thing now, pretending, and he should go home and get her to talk it out, to let it out. In their relationship, his role is to be there for her until his presence is so obnoxious she tells him what’s wrong. He sees it as his sacred big brother duty.
He remembers lying on Daniel’s couch a few days ago, how empty and replete he felt once he got the chance to talk a few things out. It didn’t change or do much of anything, but it made him feel like a whole person instead of a collection of different faces for different situations. Gianna deserves to feel like that too.
Heck, Gianna’s studying psychology. She should know how important it is not to bury this stuff.
Maybe it’s not him she wants to talk to. He can learn to be okay with that. Maybe Lily’s the right person for her to talk to, although Tony gets the impression she’s not as stable as Daniel wishes she were. They went through something somewhat similar, after all. Tony can’t relate to how it feels to be in school with everyone knowing you were seeing a professor; he can’t relate to losing someone you love to a sudden and violent death.
He can, a nasty voice in the back of his head says, relate to dating a professor in general, and he nearly lost Daniel to a sudden and violent death last year. But Tony tries his best not to think about how close he came to losing Daniel, and anyway, Gianna’s never asked about his relationship. In fact, she does her best to ignore Daniel when she can. She talks to him when he’s around, and she knows where Tony spends his time, but she never mentions they’re dating. Gianna never mentions who he is to Tony, and she’s never asked why Tony chose this, chose Daniel, now of all times.
Tony doesn’t know if he wants her to.
His feet pound into the pavement harder as the road goes slightly uphill.
It’s not that he’s angry at Gianna, he reasons. He just always thought it would be a bigger deal when he finally came out. Not that he came out in so many words. He’s never called Daniel his boyfriend in front of her. But she knows. She must have wondered over the last years why he stayed at home, why he never talked about dates or girlfriends. Maybe she suspected, but she never asked, and he never told.
With the way things panned out, no one had to ask, and Tony never had to tell anyone. It’s a relief except in all the ways it isn’t. He doesn’t want a big fuss or a heart-to-heart with Ma. He has the latter all the time, and the idea of the former makes his skin crawl. Tony doesn’t need to hear Ma say she doesn’t mind he’s gay. She shows him in the way she treats Daniel and how she insisted on meeting his parents when they were in town this summer. She shows him in the way she still treats Tony—like nothing at all has changed.
At the top of the hill, Tony comes to a stop, panting. He hasn’t run this far before, not in Rhinebeck. Looking around, he doesn’t recognize any of the houses or roads. He’ll have to return the way he came.
The way back is harder. He quickly gets a stitch in his side and has to pace himself.
Tony has all sorts of reasons why he didn’t come out earlier. Daniel asked—of course he did. Still living with his parents at age twenty-eight strikes people as odd; never bothering to tell them he isn’t straight strikes Tony himself as weird. Daniel seemed satisfied with the answers he gave, but Tony’s not sure he’s satisfied anymore. Tony told him he didn’t want to rock the boat, that he was worried about Pa’s regulars and Ma’s church friends, and he didn’t want them to lose their community because of him. He said he always thought he’d wait until there was something worth telling. Something like Daniel.
Only, Daniel’s here now, and Tony still hasn’t told them anything.
Only, they know now, and there’s nothing to talk about.
Only, now it’s all said and done with nothing having been said or done, and Tony doesn’t feel relieved.
Instead, he still has all sorts of things weighing on his chest, and he doesn’t know what he’d have to say to get them off. The one time he felt anywhere close was in Daniel’s car the other day, and even then, Tony’s not sure he managed to scratch the surface.
It takes him much longer to wind his way into town in this direction. He takes a wrong turn once, and he has to pause to walk once or twice when the stitch gets to him. He could use some water. And a hat. The sun makes his head feel swollen and warm, or maybe it’s the exertion.
Daniel’s car is in the lot when he gets there.
Tony takes the stairs up two at a time with the last of his energy.
He has a key, technically. When Daniel and Colette had to go to a conference in Atlanta in April, Tony fed Worf and watered Colette’s plants, and Daniel told him to keep the key for next time. Tony still feels weird about using it when Daniel’s home. He presses the buzzer instead.
“Hey,” Daniel says when he opens the door. He looks tired, the top buttons on his shirt undone and the little worry lines he’s starting to get on his forehead more pronounced. “When did you get here?”
“An hour or so ago.” Tony doesn’t know how long he was running for. “Gianna told me something happened at the college?”
Daniel steps aside wordlessly and lets Tony in. While Tony’s busy untying his laces and getting some water from the kitchen, Daniel collapses onto the couch, slumped over.
Worf trots over immediately as if he can sense Daniel’s mood. He probably can, tiny gremlin. He jumps up onto the couch with one of his weird squawks and squats next to Daniel, purring like an unoiled hinge.
“Bad day?” Tony asks, padding over to Daniel once he’s drained two glasses of water.
“Amelia Lawrence was stabbed in her office. We don’t know by whom. The police shut the whole college down for the next who knows how long.”
“Holy shit.”
“Yeah.” Daniel scrubs his hands over his face. “I don’t know what to do… I mean, it’s not safe on campus. Students only got here last week, and we’re sending them home already.”
Tony doesn’t want to sit on the couch in his sweated-through clothes, but he also doesn’t want to leave Daniel alone and head for the shower. He hovers awkwardly instead, trying to find the words. “That’s awful.” Those are definitely not the words. “Is she, um…I mean… Gianna said there was an ambulance?”
Daniel shrugs. “We don’t know yet. We’re supposed to hang tight and stay available.”
“Fuck.”
“Fuck is right. God, Gianna saw?”
“Oh shit,” Tony says, realizing. “You probably didn’t— Lily Peterson is the one who found her. Gigi was on the phone with her before. I know you were worried about her.”
“Jesus fucking Christ on a tricycle.” Daniel forces himself upright, much to Worf’s displeasure, and reaches for his phone. “I’d better call her. Sorry.”
“Go ahead. I’m gonna shower.”
When he gets out of the water, freshly washed and slightly headachy from running before the heat let up, Daniel’s still on the phone. Tony pulls on clothes while Daniel talks—he has six different shirts stored in Daniel’s dresser, it turns out, and he should offer to help with the laundry sometime. He does try not to listen in on another of Lily’s private conversations. In a small apartment, Daniel’s voice carries, and Tony can’t not hear Daniel’s side.
“I’m sure no one thinks that,” he’s saying. “It was a coincidence. A terrible coincidence.”
Daniel smiles at Tony as he sprawls out on the couch and thumbs open one of the awkwardly sized coffee-table books Daniel got from another academic and actually put on the coffee table. Mostly, they use it to put drinks on in the absence of coasters. Daniel really needs more shelf space and maybe a trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond.
“Listen, Lily, I’ve watched a lot of crime shows, and I’m pretty sure the worst that can happen is the police asking you a few questions. And I’ve met the police who work around here. They’re not that scary.”
Tony blinks. That’s an odd twist.
“No, I’m sure— Listen, how about you stop by my office tomorrow or the day after, and we can talk about it? Yeah? Okay.”
Daniel hangs up and flings himself onto the couch next to Tony.
“She okay?” Tony asks in what he hopes is a light but not flippant tone.
Daniel laughs without humor. “No. She’s freaking out. Poor kid is retaking Lawrence’s stupid class, and when she tries to be nice and go looking for her, she finds a bloodbath.”
Lily attempted suicide last year, Tony remembers. She was in the hospital for a long time recovering. He doesn’t want to ask about Lily’s method. It seems like a gross question, but he hopes it wasn’t bloody.
“I thought she was trying to get her classes from last year counted?”
“Mm-hm. Lawrence said no, and there was no summer school equivalent. Now Lily thinks people will assume she did it because she found the—because she found Professor Lawrence.”
Tony winces. “I would say she has nothing to worry about, but…”
“But.” Neither of them mentions Colette’s arrest. They don’t need to.
“What a shitty first week back for her.” Tony wraps his arm around Daniel’s middle and pulls him in close. Daniel turns slightly to bury his face into Tony’s shoulder. He exhales heavily, hot against the fabric of Tony’s T-shirt, and his shoulders relax.
For a guilty moment, Tony remembers Gianna, alone in her room in Kingston, taking care of the baby by herself. She needs this too.
“It’s not even Lily’s first week back. She was trapped in summer school trying to make up classes for two months with all the burnouts and drug users who’re close to flunking.”
“At least she met her boyfriend there.” Tony thinks of the fond way Lily mentioned him to Gianna, as if his comfort is really worth something. With Daniel’s body pressed tight to his, Tony can understand how that makes a difference. “It’s good having someone to…having someone.”
“Yeah. I’m glad you’re here,” Daniel says into Tony’s shirt.
Tony lets his eyes close. “Me too.”