Secrets and Stardust

Chapter 36

Zane

The second night at the inn was painfully awkward. For the first night, Zane was extremely vulnerable, and Talon was there to comfort him. During their talks with the rest of the group, they’d sat with their legs pressed together. That area of contact remained hot for hours afterward, and Zane could almost still feel Tal’s gentle, calming hand on his thigh. It was nice to be touched so casually, without fear of repercussions. But the second night there was still only one bed. Zane didn’t know what to do. Should he offer to sleep on the floor or in the chair? Talon had plopped on the bed first while Zane stood frozen in the middle of the room, trying to figure out the nuances of this relationship. Not relationship. Friendship. Friends who slept in the same bed together, occasionally. In only their undershorts. With absolutely no unnecessary touching or kissing. Definitely no kissing.

Talon lifted his head from the bed, his red waves flowing onto the sheets. Zane wanted to run his fingers through—

“What are you doing? Come on.”

Zane lamely gestured at the floor. “I can sleep down here if you’d be more comfortable.”

“Don’t be silly. Get in here.” Tal patted the space next to him.

The prince of Athusa slipped into bed, laying on his back as stiff as possible, keeping his hands at his sides. He stared at the ceiling thinking, this is so stupid, you’ve been groomed your entire life to run an empire and you can’t lay down like a normal person. Talon raised a brow, and, propping his head up on his hand, he looked down at Zane.

“Something on your mind, Your Highness?”

“Please don’t call me that,” Zane grumbled, but his body still refused to relax.

“What should I call you then? Crown Prince, Your Excellency, O Magnificent Broody One?”

The side of Zane’s lip turned up. “Just Zane.”

“Well then, Just Zane, why are you doing your best impression of a wooden plank?”

Now Zane did laugh, and his muscles loosened as well. He finally turned his head to peer at Talon, their faces only inches apart. “I’m not exactly used to sharing a bed with someone.”

Tal gasped dramatically. “Not Prince ‘lock up your daughters’ Zane. What do you do with all those women I see you take to your room, then? Read poetry? Play backgammon? Discuss the merits of celibacy until marriage?”

“That would be less complicated,” Zane said, picking at a piece of invisible lint on the bed. Talon stilled his fidgeting with a warm hand.

“You can talk to me, Zane.” His blue eyes were earnest, open, and honest. “Nothing you say will leave this room. You have my word.”

“I know,” he said, sighing, suddenly eager to prove to Talon that he trusted him. “I’ve lived the last twenty years of my life not knowing who to trust, so I didn’t trust anyone.” Talon nodded his understanding. “The women are a show to keep my father off my back because it’s something he expects from me, but they always want more than I can give them. They think I’ll woo them in public, or extend a marriage proposal. I’m sure some of them hope they’ll accidentally fall pregnant so I’ll be forced to keep them in the court, possibly making them empress. But none of that is what I want. None of it has felt right.”

“Do you not like women, then?”

“No, I like them. I can still enjoy their company for a short time before I kick them out of my room.” Zane smiled sadly as he met Talon’s gaze. “I just also like men, and in my father’s opinion, that is unacceptable. So I haven’t been with a man since I was seventeen.”

“It’s hard when your parents aren’t accepting.” Talon began playing gently with Zane’s hair. The sensation lulled him into a stupor, but this was the best, most vulnerable and honest conversation he’d had in years, and he didn’t want it to end. He shook off the fatigue.

“I want to think my mother would be accepting, but I’ll never have the chance to ask her. Are your parents…” Zane wasn’t sure how to finish asking the question. He realized he didn’t even know if Tal’s parents were still alive.

Talon grinned widely. “My parents are great. I didn’t fully realize I found men attractive until Emmeric moved in when we were fifteen. After finding one living in my bedroom and all that entails.” He laughed. Envy created a twisting sensation in Zane’s stomach.

“Were you two…?”

“Oh, gods, no. I might have had a little crush at first, but I got over it quickly when I realized he didn’t care for me or any guys that way. But I told him before I told my parents, and he stood with me, ready to fight my dad if things didn’t go well. My parents didn’t care, though. They said they loved me no matter what and looked forward to the day I’d bring someone I loved home.” Talon skimmed a finger across Zane’s cheek. “I’m sure your mother would have been the same. I never had the honor of meeting her, but I’ve only ever heard positive things about Empress Selena.”

A burning started in Zane’s sinuses, tears threatening. So he steered from sadness and longing into another emotion—jealousy. “Did your parents ever meet someone?”

“No,” Talon said, matter-of-factly. “I’ve dated, of course, but as you said before—none of it felt right.”

Tal’s normally jovial face suddenly became serious, a line forming between his eyebrows. Zane wanted to smooth the line away and shoulder all his burdens. Talon’s gaze dropped to Zane’s lips, and he momentarily lost the ability to breathe.

“But this feels right,” Tal said. Then he closed the short distance between them and placed his lips on Zane’s. Lightly, like he was asking a question. It took less than a second for Zane to kiss him back. Talon moaned and gripped the back of his head, dragging him closer. It did feel right. Although he’d only recently started talking to this soldier who had worked for him for multiple years, there was an undeniable connection there.

Panic, electric and fierce, jolted him backwards and away from Talon, his chest constricting. He saw hurt flash through Tal’s eyes, but he immediately schooled his expression. Zane hid behind his hands, unable to face the first man he’d kissed in ten years. The first man he’d wanted to kiss in ten years.

“I’m sorry,” he said, muffled, guilt eating at him. Zane hated dumping his trauma on others, instead dealing with it all internally until he felt close to breaking.

Talon gently pried his hands away. “No, I’m sorry. You just told me all that shit about your father, and I shouldn’t rush you.”

Zane exhaled a shaky breath.

“Look, this can be a one-off. It doesn’t need to mean anything if you don’t want it to.”

“And if I want it to mean something?” Zane asked meekly. His heart squeezed with warring emotions. One side desperately wanted to kiss Talon again, but the other side was where the fear of his father resided. He was broken, his spirit shattered. Uther had done his job successfully, ensuring Zane was terrified of him, even at a great distance. Talon smiled reassuringly, brushing back a dark curl which had fallen on Zane’s face.

“You’re in charge here, Zane. However fast or slow you want to take things is fine with me. If you want nothing to do with me ever again, I’ll do what’s best for you.” He paused, seeming to weigh his words. “I’ve been wanting to kiss you since Huton. There was a different side to you on the road, more carefree. You laughed. I can tell there’s a reason this scares you, and I’m here to listen if you ever want to tell me.”

“Thank you,” Zane whispered.

“I’ll sleep in the chair tonight,” Talon said.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I do,” he said, already climbing out of the bed. “Because I don’t know if I can keep my hands to myself.” Zane’s heart wanted to beat out of his chest. He laid in bed, watching Talon observe him from the chair. They didn’t speak, and instead enjoyed each other’s silent companionship.

The next morning, the small company prepared to leave. Zane asked Geoff and Gordon to remain in the small village, staying on the lookout for any others who might be hunting for Iyana. If some came through, they were to either dispatch them discreetly or ride hard to warn their group. The twins were all too happy to stay at the warm inn, with a bed, instead of becoming progressively colder as they rode towards the library. Not that anyone had told Zane it was their destination, but it was the only logical conclusion. He honestly did not blame Iyana for not trusting him. Were their situations reversed, he wouldn’t be trusting either.

Unfortunately for Iyana, Ryunn missed his brother and encroached on Pryn’s space as often as possible, which brought Zane toe to toe with Altair and Iyana. She’d glare daggers at him any time they wandered too close, and he would shrug and gesture towards the horse. He would try to gently urge Ryunn away, directing him towards Talon and Emmeric instead, but the horse inevitably drifted back to his brother’s side. Altair seemed nonplussed by Zane’s presence and appeared to be trying to sway Iyana into acceptance. It was not working.

“Go away,” she snapped later in the afternoon.

“Astalle,” Altair chided. Zane had heard the name a few times throughout the day and asked Talon about it. He’d said it was Iyana’s surname, but Altair used it as a pet name for her. Something niggled at the back of Zane’s brain, and he wondered if there was more to this pet name than what everyone took at face value.

“What? I’ve begrudgingly allowed him to come along. It doesn’t mean I need to like him.” Iyana’s voice snapped him back to the present, and he had to pry Ryunn away again.

“Look,” Zane said, “dislike me all you want; I honestly deserve it. I did want to take this time, though, to apologize for raiding your village. While I was doing so under orders, you’re right that my voice carries more weight and I should have learned to be louder by now. It’s something I’m going to work on.”

He saw Altair subtly poke Iyana’s side. “Thanks for the apology,” she grumbled, with all the grace of a five-year-old child.

“I would appreciate it if I could ask my questions…”

“No.”

Zane’s face fell. “I know we’re going to the library.”

Iyana whipped her head over to him. “Who told you?” Her tone promised retribution for whoever had opened their mouth.

“Nobody.” She narrowed her eyes. “Promise. It’s the only logical conclusion. Seeing as there’s little else in this part of the continent.”

Iyana made a hmfph noise, and crossed her arms so quickly it forced Altair to hold her tighter to keep her from falling off the horse.

“You may ask me your questions, prince,” Altair said. Iyana’s jaw dropped in shock.

“Traitor,” she muttered under her breath. Interesting. Maybe the Aztiawasn’t the one in charge after all.

“Think, my star. He may have valuable information for us as well.”

“Thank you.” Zane nodded his head in respect. “I already know Emmeric is the Kanaliza, and Talon is his best friend, which explains their involvement, and from what I can gather, Kaz simply happened upon your group and decided to stick around. But I can’t work out how you figure into this, Altair.” He was still confused about what this was, other than running from his father, but there was some sort of plan unfolding.

“I’m the star your father is searching for.”

What? Zane’s hands jerked on the reins, causing Ryunn to shake his head in annoyance.

His brain raced to comprehend what Altair had said. Zane had been working under the assumption that the star was a rock of some sort, not a person. Then he recalled Uther questioning Iyana in the throne room.

A star fell here in Arinem. You will tell me where they are.

They.

He remembered thinking it was an odd choice of words at the time, but it meant his father knew the star would appear in the form of a human. How could he possibly know that? Zane was an avid reader, and not only of fiction. He had always studied history with a vigor, confusing even his tutors, but he never revealed it was because he did not want to repeat his ancestor’s mistakes when he became emperor. It was clear his father was only interested in the wealthy, or people who would benefit him in some way, and not the entirety of the Athusan populace. But in all of his studies, he had never come across anything to suggest stars were anything other than what they appeared to be. That being said, there weren’t a lot of books written on stars other than constellation maps for navigation.

Now that he knew Altair was a star, Zane realized the signs were there all along—he just didn’t know to be searching for them. The chiseled features, the golden-colored irises, and there was an otherworldly glow about him. Had he always glowed, and Zane was blind? Or had he been dimming himself somehow?

“I can hear you thinking, prince,” Altair said.

Zane startled. “You can do that?”

“He can,” Iyana said. “It’s incredibly annoying.” She glared at Altair over her shoulder.

The star chuckled. “Come, astalle, you love it when I’m inside you.” Iyana blushed, flicking a glance at Zane.

“Please, don’t stop flirting on my account,” Zane said, smiling—which only made Iyana blush harder.

They spent the rest of the day bouncing questions back and forth. Zane asked about the stars, the Aztia, and the Kanaliza, and Altair asked about Uther—what were his goals, how large was his army, did he own any artifacts he probably shouldn’t. Zane answered as best he could, admitting his father did not tell him most of his plans and Zane tried to avoid court as much as possible. Altair gave him a plethora of information Zane had never learned—the creation of humans and magic, the old gods deciding to sleep (except for Yrza, apparently, according to Kaz, which she refused to elaborate on), and he fleshed out the history of the Aztia and Kanaliza more.

Altair’s attitude and willingness to answer questions changed when Zane brought up the scroll he had found deep in the castle’s library.

“Do you have it with you?” Altair asked.

“No, I left it hidden in my room. It seemed too delicate to travel.” Was it Zane’s imagination or did Altair breathe a little sigh of relief? “But I memorized it.” Altair stiffened.

“What did it say?” Iyana asked. She’d been slowly warming up to him during their conversation, actually answering some questions. During their conversation, Iyana had revealed that she and Emmeric had only recently been thrust into this and had limited knowledge based only on what Altair and her grandmother had told her.

“The Aztia and Kanaliza were hand-picked by the goddess Zaya, who was awoken from her deep slumber by the strife she had detected in the gods’ most favorite of creations—the humans. The Aztia was a woman already endowed with strong magic, and the Kanaliza a human man with no magic. Zaya gave them the ability to rescue humanity from their plight. The Aztia and Kanaliza ended the conflict in Arinem and retired peacefully, never to be heard from again. We owe them our lives. Their names shall go down in history forevermore. In every generation, a new Aztia and Kanaliza are born to maintain order between humans and—

“Then most of the rest was too damaged to read. The only things I could see in that section were powerful, beware, with large gaps between everything, then Aztia has the ability to, another large gap, and finally save humanity.”

“Oh, good,” Iyana said. “No pressure, just need to save all of humanity.”

“What conflict are they referencing?” Zane asked Altair.

“I think we should stop to make camp for the night,” he said, dodging the question.

“But the sun is still up,” Iyana said.

“Sunset comes on fast in this part of the continent,” Altair replied. Which was true, but Zane wondered why Altair didn’t want to answer that particular question after being fairly open all afternoon. He filed the information away but knew the star couldn’t be fully trusted.

Emmeric and Talon agreed it would be a good idea to stop for the night. Kaz and Iyana brushed down the horses and gave them their allotment of oats and apples while the men spread a tarpaulin out on the icy ground. It hopefully would keep most of the chill away while they were sleeping. Altair started a fire, which was Zane’s first glimpse of actual magic. Fascination tinged with a hint of envy filled him at the casual display of power.

During a meager dinner, Iyana finally confirmed their plan to travel to the library. Uther was on a quest to conquer all of Arinem, and they were out to stop him. Unfortunately, his father’s plans weren’t surprising, given all the outposts he’d been setting up recently. Zane had never even thought to question his father’s orders and instead followed them blindly. Altair mentioned the stars had been tracking his movements, but occasionally darkness would surround Uther, obscuring his scheming from their view. Zane told them what he’d overheard in the dungeons about a ritual, and how he suspected that Uther was planning on murdering him. Altair withdrew, contemplating this information. He said he had an idea of what Uther might be planning, but he wouldn’t be able to confirm it until they were at the library.

After the heavy conversation, everyone spread their bedrolls out surrounding the fire, except for Kaz, who shifted into her leopard form and curled into a circle. Having a fur pelt sounded amazing; she appeared exceptionally warm. If Zane was a shifter, he’d probably stay in his animal form constantly. Talon sat next to where Zane was lying awake staring up at the stars, wondering if they were all people. There had to be millions of them.

“Can I interest you in cuddling for warmth, Your Highness?” Tal’s blue eyes glinted with mischief in the firelight. Zane’s vision darted to the others in their party to see if they had heard, but found them all asleep.

“You know they wouldn’t care,” Talon said, softly, an edge of hurt in his voice. Zane felt terrible. The last thing he wanted was for Talon to think he was ashamed to be seen with him. His own personal demons shouldn’t affect others.

“Talon, I’m sorry,” Zane said, pulling himself into a sitting position. He sat next to Tal, hugging his knees to his chest, but his side pressed into the other man’s warm body. His insides lurched at what he was going to say next. He couldn’t look Talon in the eye, but it needed to be said. “I like you. I do. A lot. Last night…I want it to mean something, but my father—”

“Zane,” Talon said, laying a gentle hand on his face, guiding his head to face him. “I pledged ten years ago to protect you, to give my life for yours, and my vow still holds. If anything, I will protect you more fiercely than before, and that includes against your father. No matter the repercussions.”

“I would never ask you to put your life on the line for me.”

“You wouldn’t ever have to ask. I’d do it, regardless. I’ve always hated bullies.” He paused, then smiled wistfully. “Emmeric has always been more reserved. When we were ten, a brute of a kid at school honed in on Em and wouldn’t stop messing with him—stealing his food, pushing him down. Even took some of his money once. It was terrible watching my best friend go through this without standing up for himself. He didn’t think he could.”

“So, what did you do?”

“The next time he shoved Em I walked up and punched him right in the nose. He never bothered Emmeric again, and he did my homework for the rest of the year. I didn’t even ask him to—he offered. Suffice to say, I don’t care if it’s the emperor who is tearing you down. I’ll fight against them all.”

Zane placed his hand over Talon’s, leaning his cheek into the touch, and took a deep breath.

“I’ve never told anyone this before,” he admitted, voice shaking with nerves. Talon tucked him into his side. Zane laid his head on Tal’s comforting shoulder. Talon rubbed his arm encouragingly.

“You can tell me anything,” he whispered. Zane took a deep breath.

“When I was sixteen, I met a man—Jax.” Zane smiled to himself at the memory. “We hit it off instantly. He was eighteen and had started that year as one of the castle guards. During a ball my father threw for the elite, I was trying to escape the tediousness those types of celebration bring. I had gone out to the balcony, and he was stationed there for the evening. It was only us two, nobody else daring to brave the cold night, and I didn’t have many friends, so when he struck up a conversation—which many were too scared to do—I ended up staying out there until well after the party had finished.

“I started finding reasons to bump into him throughout the castle and ask him to accompany me on some inane errand. At this point, I hadn’t quite admitted to myself that I found men attractive. But I knew I liked this man, and I wanted him around. After a couple of weeks he kissed me, and I was his. Completely. My father had already been pushing girls and threatening betrothals, but Jax was separate from that world. He was mine. My escape from the terror my father heaped upon me each day. There was a secret passage into my room, in case of a castle breech, and he would sneak in almost every night. We spent our nights in each other’s arms, talking, planning our future. I was ready to run away with him. Abdicate my position as heir and follow him to some small town where we could spend the rest of our lives together. I loved him.”

“What happened?” Talon prompted gently when Zane had been silent for a few moments. Zane took another deep breath to steady his nerves.

“After Jax and I had been together for a year, we had everything planned for our escape. But somehow we were sloppy. Not quiet enough, or not hiding our affection in public well. Because my father discovered our relationship. He burst into my quarters one night while we were sleeping, curled together in my bed. Uther dragged Jax out of bed and before I knew it, he was kneeling on the ground with a knife at his throat. I begged. I pleaded with my father to let him go. I promised I would do anything he asked of me if he let Jax live. I promised I would never see him again—fire him, exile him. Anything other than killing him. While it would have broken my heart, at least Jax would be alive. I could have continued with the escape plan on my own, meeting him somewhere.” Zane’s chest constricted.

“But Uther said I was an abomination, and what Jax and I had was ‘unnatural.’ I remember—” Tears flowed down his face freely now. He cleared his throat in an effort to continue. “I remember Jax staring at me, love written on his face. No fear at all. Telling me it was okay, I would be okay. My father told me if he let Jax live, I wouldn’t learn my lesson. And he slit his throat, right there in front of me. Then he left and locked me in my room, forcing me to spend the rest of the night with my lover dead on the floor. Which is why I have women in my room so often…for Uther to know I’m not with another man.” Zane’s breath hitched, and he sobbed silently into Talon’s shoulder. Tal held him close, letting him cry.

“I killed him,” Zane whispered.

“No, Zane, no you didn’t. You can’t think like that.”

“He died because of me. If I hadn’t sought him out, or didn’t start a relationship with him…if we had run sooner, he’d still be alive. I didn’t even do anything. I stood there, frozen, and didn’t even take a step forward to try to stop my father. What does that make me?”

“You were seventeen, Zane. You were still a kid. There was nothing you could have done.”

“He was only nineteen. He didn’t deserve to die.”

“No, he didn’t. I’m so sorry.” Zane continued to cry, and Talon continued to hold him. He hadn’t realized how much trauma was still lingering from ten years before. Saying it all aloud for the first time was a cathartic release. Zane clutched Talon’s shirt.

“Please don’t leave me.”

Talon held him tighter, placing a lingering kiss on the top of his head. “I won’t ever leave you. I’m yours, Zane.” Tal’s fingers tangled in Zane’s hair, pulling his head back so he could see the truth in his eyes. “I’m yours. Forever, if you’ll have me. I won’t leave you.”

Zane closed the distance between them, kissing Talon with an earnestness he hadn’t possessed in a decade. He put his own promise into the kiss. I’m yours. I’m yours. I’m yours.