Secrets of Mine (Of Mine #2)

23. River

23

RIVER

I should have seen it coming. I’ve been a profiler long enough to predict Freya would pull something like this but once again, I let my emotions cloud my judgement when it comes to her.

I work my jaw and tug the knot of my tie loose.

Eli slips inside the garden room I escaped into. I ignore him, staring out the French doors at the moonlight shimmering on the pool.

“Freya’s gone upstairs. Oz and Jude are with her,” Eli says.

I cross my arms, trying to contain the rage. Only Freya makes me lose control like this and, right now, a small part of me resents her for it.

“You were right, we can’t trust her,” I say.

Eli sighs. “As much as I like to hear you tell me I’m right, even I can admit when I’m not. Come on.” He turns around and goes back into the kitchen.

For once in my life, I have no idea what to do now, so I follow him.

Eli leans back against the pantry cupboard, his bottom lip caught between his teeth as he stares up at the ceiling.

“I should have listened to you,” I say.

He shakes his head without lifting it away from the cupboard. “You should never listen to me, and you know it.”

I part my lips, taken aback that for once Eli doesn’t seem to be mad at Freya.

“You were right though,” I press. “She’s just proved we still can’t trust her.”

Eli pushes away from the cupboard and points a finger at me. “No. You can’t trust her. That doesn’t mean she’s not trustworthy.”

My jaw tightens. I have every right to be mad at her right now. She broke the rules. If we’d have known Maxwell was contacting her, or somehow in contact with Angelica, then we might have been able to track him. We might not have lost two more women and escorted a third to the hospital.

I run a hand over my face and turn around again, bracing myself against the island.

“What if this isn’t going to work?” I ask Eli. “What if she’s too much of a distraction? Oz should be tracing those messages right now, instead, he’s up there with Freya.”

Eli grabs some fancy soda from the fridge and joins me at the island. The bottle hisses as he unscrews the cap. “What happened to ‘I love her’, River? What happened to ‘we need her’? I get you’re pissed, but Oz is with Freya because she’s upset. Because you fucked up. Rule number one of dating, Riv, you don’t walk out on your girl. Especially one with abandonment issues.”

Pain pinches my chest. The look in Freya’s eyes before I left has nausea churning in my stomach. I breathe through my nose and suppress the feeling. I don’t want to consider the possibility that Eli might be right, so I work on blocking out my emotions. Something I used to be good at.

Jude paces into the kitchen from the hall.

I turn to face him. “Oh good, you’re back, Eli’s defending Freya and I was starting to think I’d entered the twilight zone.” I’m bitter and it’s not a good look but I thought at least Eli would be on my side.

Jude storms over to me and I stumble back as he shoves my chest. “You think this is funny?” he snaps.

I hold up my hands, seeing the fury burning across his face. “Jude, just take a breath and think for a minute. Freya lied to us.”

He recoils back and stares at me. “You think I don’t know that? You think I’m not pissed at her too?”

I grit my teeth. “Then what exactly is the problem?”

Jude shakes his head and lets out a harsh laugh. “I know personal relationships aren’t really your thing, but you don’t just throw one away the second something goes wrong. Did you really not see this coming?”

I don’t say anything, because I really didn’t. I told Freya once that when you have my trust, you have it for good, which is why it hurts so much knowing she’s still been keeping secrets.

I must look as lost as I feel because Jude takes pity on me and lowers his voice. “Freya has more trauma than the rest of us put together. She needs to know that she can screw up and we’ll still be here. You gave her boundaries and now she’s crossed them, you’re giving up? That’s not how this works. You know that better than me.”

Fuck. I do know that.

I sink back against the island and run my hands through my hair. The feelings I’ve been trying to ignore, the ones that tell me I’ve screwed up, rush to the surface.

Jude’s right. I’m not the only one with trust issues but while I deal with mine by being a dominating bastard, Freya copes by submitting. We may not be in the bedroom but to a certain extent the same principles apply. She’s going to mess up. She’s going to push boundaries, and she needs us to be there when she crosses them.

Submission isn’t just about giving over control, it’s about feeling safe and secure enough to do just that. It’s about trust.

And I just walked out on Freya when she needed me the most.

I steady myself against the island, gripping onto the cool worktop as a wave of dizziness hits me. I hate screwing up, I hate the feeling of the world unravelling, of my control slipping. I don’t feel like a leader right now, I feel like the little boy whose world fell apart from one second to the next.

I meet Jude’s disappointed gaze. “What do I do?”

Jude’s shoulders drop and his eyes flare. “You do what you said you’d do if she messed up again. You punish her.”

I let out a breath. Even as angry at her and mixed up as I am right now, I know Jude is right. Freya needs this. We both do. I pull myself together and nod.

Jude returns the gesture then looks over at Eli. “You’re coming too. I don’t know what’s going on with you at the moment but right now I don’t give a shit. Freya needs to know she has all of us.”

Eli’s fist tightens around his soda bottle and I half expect him to refuse but he just grits his teeth and puts the bottle down before striding past me towards the stairs.

Jude gives me one last warning look then follows Eli.

I walk around the island to where Freya was sitting and take off my jacket. I fold it over the back of her stool and pick up her phone off the island.

It’s time to remind Freya what it means to belong to us.